I'm basically the dictionary meaning for WTF, so you've been warned that this could get weird. This is pretty much the whole Twilight book but with a twist!
So here I am at forks. My mum like,forced me to come here after she kicked me out of the house, for getting in the way of her Phil's relationship. She's like SO touchy! Just because I took my clothes off and joined them in bed while they were doing it, doesn't mean I was interfering! I mean, its completely natural to gas your mother's husband then push him in a van, tie him up and tape his mouth then drag him to Vegas and get married to him by a guy dressed in an Elvis costume who may have had their drink spiked with rohypnol. I just wanted to get to know Phil better...
Aaanyway, I'm cooking this meat that I'm pretty sure is beef or whatever that Charlie gave to me. He had just come home from work and was dragging this lump with hair and clothes on it and stuff and he was, like carrying this sphere shaped thing in his hand by the stringy stuff. He hung up his gun belt and put his chainsaw up against the wall, handed me the head which I thought would make a fucking awesome roast which i put in the oven and then he just started looking at me like a fucking unicorn or something while I made dinner. He looked at me for a little longer then took the body and grabbed an axe from the cupboard and headed downstairs to the basement.
I looked at the roast that was in the oven and looked at the temperture.
"Oh fuck! CHARLIE! HOW DO YOU TURN THE FUCKING OVEN ON?"
"Fucking piece of shit." I mumbled as I kicked the oven so hard that my toe started bleeding and Charlie ran up from the basement and started sucking on it so the blood would stop running.
OH MY GOD! He's like the BEST dad ever! He's so kind and shit like that. Aaaawwwee! And look now he's swallowing my foot!
Suddenly I started feeling kinda faint and just fell over and hit my head on the sink and passed out. The last thing I felt was Charlie sucking my head...
xoxoxoxoxox
I woke up the next morning to this weird slurping sound and I looked down and saw Charlie sucking on my arm. OH MY GOD! He's so totally affectionate and shit! But I didn't have time for this so I pushed Charlie out the window and got ready for school.
I was ready for school so I went outside and got into this red hunk of metalic shit. As I pulled out of the driveway I waved good bye to Charlie who was up the tree and looking at me through his binoculars.
I soon arrived at school at and everyone turned to look at me. Wow this is so cool, everyone like totally loves me! I stopped the engine and got out. Straight away there was like ten guys coming up to me and grabbing and feeling and shit like that. OH MY GOD! This is so cool! Eveyone is like totally in love with me. But I had to get to class so I took out my blowtorch and burned them until they turned like all black and flaky and shit like that. OH MY GOD! I am so fucking awesome, aren't I!
I walked to the office to get my timetable and all that shit and saw this fat chick at this shitty little piece of wood typing on a box thing.
"Hi, are you like big momma or something? Because you're like totally massive!" I asked her. She punched me in the face then kicked my vagina. She then grabbed my face and bashed it into the desk. She took out a meat cleaver and started hitting my legs so that I fell over and started hitting my back. OH MY GOD! This school is so nice! I never knew the people here responded like this to others, it's so cool to experience this cultural experience shit experience.
The fat chick stopped expressing her love to me and I picked myself up then she punched me in the stomache again before answering me. I giggled, it tickled.
"No you dumb bitch! I'm the school secretary, you fucking slut! I work at the desk you little piece of shit, motherfucker! Do I look black to you?"
I looked at her closely for like twenty minutes, I cocked my head to the side to look at her closer.
"OH! Speaking of cocks, I wanna fuck someone, excuse me fat chick."
"What are you talking about maggot? We weren't talking of cocks, dumb ass." Then she took out her sword that started glowing and shit while these guys got on their knees and started worshipping her and shit, then she stabbed me in the gut. I yawned. I was getting bored so I took my clothes off and pranced outside like a elephant and just stood in the rain.
Immedietly after leaping outside, fifty guys tackled me and dragged me behind the bushes. OH MY GOD! This is so fun! I love playing with cocks! So after about two hours or something the guys got off me. I felt like there was something wet in my bellybuttom so I opened it up and immedietly this white goo started pouring out like a waterfall. I giggled, it tickled!
I put my clothes back on walked to the cafeteria. When I got there I realised that I didn't have any money, so I went in line and when it was my turn to order I pulled out my bazooka from my panties and blew the cafeteria staff's head. I grabbed my tray but before I left I scooped some red stuff from the table and sucked it off my finger.
"Mmmm. Not bad." I thought out loud and walked over to an empty table. As soon as I sat down all these guys sat with me as well. OH MY GOD! They're so welcoming! As I started eating the cafeteria doors opened and in came these pale ugly people. They sat down at a table. This big dude in the group took his clothes off and started humping this blonde chick's leg, she tried to shake him off, but soon gave up. There was this tall guy who was screaming curse words and shit and this skinny midget girl who was just staring at me. Oh, and there was also this lame emo guy.
I thought i should introduce myself so I went over there. When I got to the table I noticed the skinny midget was actually vibrating. WOW! How cool would that be in bed and shit! She was grinning at me so widely that her face split in half but she kept smiling. The blonde guy turned to me.
"WHAT NEVER SEEN A FUCKING GUY WITH FUCKING TOURETTES? FUCK, FUCK YOU BITCH, MOTHER FUCKER!" He was like all twitching and stuff, it was so cool (AN: Sorry if I offended anyone here, I have the utmost respect for people with Tourettes, so im sorry!)
The big dude kept on humping the blonde's leg, the blonde who was looking at me in a funny way, pounced on me the started ripping pieces of flesh off me. OH MY GOD! She's such a nice person! The emo guy pulled her off me and I got up. He came over to me so close and started staring at my collar bone, he started stroking it with his hand and then stuck his tongue out and licked it, his eyes grew wide and hungry then he just full on attacked me and started sucking away. I giggled,it tickled.
The midget chick got up on the table and hugged me so hard that I heard a crack. I giggled, it tickled. When I giggled she giggled, she started giggling so much that she bounced around, I giggled at how funny she was making her giggle even harder that she began to bounce off the walls, again i started laughing and so did she that her head exploded! I laughed so loud that my head exploded as well. I passed out and hit my collarbone on the big dudes penis, i hit it so hard that i heard and crack and shit. The last thing I heard was emo's cry.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
AN: Okay, so as I warned this story os totally fucked up. So I warn you, it may just get weirder. I have wrtitten other stories before and have never finished but I think that this one might be different because it's more in my area of experitse!Tell me what you think guys and I'll update sooner than you can what the fuck!