The phone rings.
Sometimes all I can do is lie in bed and cry.
It's your ring tone.
You're the reason I cry. Your long, blonde hair that I can't reach out and touch. Your eyes that only sparkle when you talk about him. Your perfect body, so pale, even though we live in one of the sunniest places.
You're silly.
You're crazy.
You're beautiful.
You're amazing.
You're Lilly.
And before I know it, I'm crying again and my pillow can't handle anymore tears and it sags under my horribly red eyes. The sobs always start out loud, always scary. Then they're words; strange, random words from sixth grade French, words that have come out of your mouth, words that aren't even words. And then they just turn into little gasps of breath that hurt my chest and don't stop, no matter how much I want them to.
I already know what you're going to tell me. You're going to tell me that you and him had sex, and how you loved it and how the first time hurts but then it feels amazing.
I suddenly wish I could remember my first time. But I don't. I can't count with my hands how many guys I've slept with, just to feel better that I don't have her. It feels fine while it's going on, but then it's over and there's some football player, some music freak, some stoner hovering over me, and I just want to get my clothes on, go home, and cry. I'm such a slut.
You could never love somebody like me. I love you so, so much. You love me like a friend, you love me enough to give me a friendly hug and that one kiss.
The memory falls into my head like a well-formed snowball, so hard, so cold.
"Hey, if I gave you guys ten dollars to kiss each other, would you?" he said, smirking at the two of us.
You smiled at him. "Sure we would!" You turned to me and started to lean in. I was sort of mad that I hadn't even been involved in this decision. But I didn't mind. Not at all. All I could think about was that you were about to kiss me, with those perfect pink lips.
You leaned away quickly and looked at him. "Show me the money first," you said.
I felt my body turn to ice as I remembered that this was all about money. But then he pulled out the ten dollar bill and you grabbed it and you leaned in and kissed me so quickly and then you pulled away and then I got up and went to the bathroom and I barely closed the door before dropping to the floor and crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Then I came out and you were kissing him and I was hitting the floor and that night I got wasted and fucked some guy, all the while thinking of you and all I do could that night was shove my ear buds in my ears and cry until I fell asleep.
The phone is still ringing.
I take a deep breath and answer it.
It's you. Of course it's you.
And soon as I hear your voice, I realize that I can't stand to hear this story right away and I slur some lie and I hang up before you can reply and I get up and lay on the floor, waiting for the tears.
But they don't come.
Because sometimes I get all cried out.
Because sometimes my body needs a break.
Because sometimes love doesn't happen.