Epiphany
Author's
note: I do not own any Law and Order Criminal Intent characters, nor
do I own any characters from Law and Order who might show up. Dick
Wolf, of course, owns them and has done quite well by them.
This is a one-shot story about a peripheral character. In fact Bobby and Alex only appear briefly and their only purpose is to move the story forward. It takes place during "Please Note We Are No Longer Accepting Letters of Recommendation From Henry Kissinger".
Kevin Harris' heartbeat quickened as he walked towards the juice bar of the Celestial gym where he was to meet "Bigfoot". This was, perhaps, the most exciting part of this game he played—the anticipation of meeting someone new. Of course, there was the occasional disappointment. Sometimes the man did not pass Kevin's "test", and occasionally he was simply not attracted to the other man. But the promise of an attractive and accomplished date made the occasional disappointments worth the risk.
The last hookup he had arranged had gone very well. His locker-room encounter with Skip had been adventurous and satisfying. He hoped his meeting with "Bigfoot" would go as well. Kevin's stomach had butterflies as he got closer.
He walked through the juice bar and spotted a large man with curly, salt-and-pepper hair sitting at a table, playing with a set of keys. Kevin's heart skipped a beat when he saw the man; the keys were the signal. This was the man he had arranged to meet. He was a large man, although sitting at the table it was difficult to tell how tall he was. He was older than Kevin and a bit overweight. But somehow the extra weight and the graying hair were very attractive on him. Kevin hoped that this was "Bigfoot" and that he passed the "test".
He approached the man and said, "You're Bigfoot? The guy who found my keys?" The man smiled and said, "You're Kevin." He tossed the keys to him.
"I'd like to give you a reward. My wallet's downstairs, wanna take a walk with me?"
The man smiled and moved as though to stand, but instead he slapped his left hand on the table. When he moved his hand, Kevin saw an NYPD badge. He realized he had been set up and he turned to leave. But when he turned around, there was a petite blond woman blocking his way. She also smiled, and held up another badge.
They took him to the police station and questioned him about his encounter with Skip. Kevin was shocked and nauseated when they told him that Skip had been shot after he left, and then they showed him autopsy pictures of Skip. He was frightened to realize that they considered him a suspect in the murder. Thankfully he had an alibi; after speaking with his boss, they let him go.
Kevin was shaken as he got in a cab back to his office. He sat in his private office and considered what had happened. It was incredible to think that a man he had been with twenty four hours ago was dead, murdered. Obviously the police didn't have any suspects yet. Was it possible that this double life that Skip had led, that Kevin led, was responsible for his murder?
Kevin had always told himself that he took precautions; that he would never be hurt, that his family would never be hurt. It occurred to him that if he had been arrested, there was no way he could have kept his wife from finding out about the other part of his life. It would devastate Susan if she ever found out. And what if he were the one who was shot? He didn't want to think what that would do to her.
He looked at the picture on his desk of Susan and the kids. He had taken the picture last month during a picnic in the park. Despite the long hours that Kevin worked, Susan made sure that they spent time together as a family. At the park that day she had been so pretty in her green shorts and top. She put ten month old Zoey in the baby seat of the swing while five year old Ethan climbed up on the "big boy" swing next to it. All three of them had laughed with a carefree joy that Kevin envied. The picture that he captured showed the three of them laughing. It was his favorite picture.
When had this started? He had always been attracted to men as well as to women, and in college he'd had several relationships with men. But he always kept it secret and dated women as well. He met Susan two years after college and was immediately drawn to her. She was vivacious, petite, had dark hair and dancing brown eyes. He thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever met. She was an up and coming lawyer, passionately defending criminals in the Public Defender's office. Guilty or innocent, every client got the very best and most vigorous defense she could give.
He couldn't believe that she wanted to date him, a boring number-cruncher. But date him she did, and three years later they were married. With the birth of first Ethan and then Zoey, life seemed complete. Susan continued working, but cut back on her hours in order to spend as much time as possible with the kids. They had found an excellent nanny and the children loved her.
So, if life was so good, why was he meeting men at the gym? He didn't really have an answer. After becoming involved with Susan, Kevin had stopped seeing anyone else. It was only two years ago that he had begun this "game." The first time was an acquaintance he met at a party he and Susan had attended. He only hooked up with the man twice; neither of them was looking for anything long-term. After that he had begun looking for partners on the internet. It seemed safer that way; strangers that he would never see again. He was only looking for quick, exciting sex. He told himself that he was still deeply in love with Susan and this area of his life had nothing to do with their relationship.
Kevin sighed and got up from the desk. He looked out the large window at the street so many floors below. He was restless and couldn't concentrate on the work he had intended to get done tonight. He looked at the picture of his family again and made the decision to go home. Susan would be surprised; he rarely got home before 11:00 PM. She accepted his long hours and never complained about his absences. Kevin stuffed paperwork into his briefcase, thinking that he could do some of this work at home. He called down to the lobby and asked to have a cab called for him. He was suddenly in a hurry to get home.
He got out in front of his apartment building and paid the driver. As he rode the elevator up to the third floor, he thought again about Skip. He had liked him a lot and even considered breaking one of his own rules and seeing him again. The realization that he had been murdered within hours of their love-making left Kevin feeling off-balance. It didn't make any sense that this kind of violence could affect someone close to him, could come so close to his own family.
As he let himself into the apartment he could hear Susan's voice and Ethan's laughter. When she heard the door, Susan peeked around the corner. When she saw Kevin, her face lit up. She ran down the hallway and launched herself into his arms, wrapping her own arms around his neck and kissing him passionately.
"Kevin! You're home early! Oh, I'm SO glad. You won't believe what happened today. Zoey took her first step! Come and see!"
Without waiting for him to say anything, Susan pulled his briefcase and jacket out of his hands and set them on the table in the foyer. She grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway to the living room. Zoey, now eleven months old, was sitting in the middle of the floor, with her big brother sitting next to her. They were both in their pajamas. When she saw Kevin, her face lit up just the way Susan's had. Susan scooped Zoey up and kissed her until she giggled.
"Now squat down right there and call her", Susan ordered. She set Zoey on her feet. Kevin smiled and squatted down as he was told. He held his hands out to his daughter.
"Zoey, come to Daddy."
Susan let go of her and Zoey stood wobbling for a moment, then slowly lifted one foot and took a step. Then another, and then a third. And then she plopped down on her well-padded bottom and started crawling quickly towards Kevin. As she reached him, he picked her up and kissed her plump cheek. She giggled and reached up to grab his nose. Kevin sat down on the floor and proceeded to tickle her. Ethan came over and climbed into his lap. Kevin looked up to find Susan watching the three of them and his breath caught in his throat. She seemed to be glowing. She came and joined them on the floor and they played with the children for about half an hour. They were able to get Zoey to take one more step, but crawling was a much more efficient way to get from one place to another.
Finally, Susan said that it was bedtime. She picked up Zoey and called Ethan to come to with her.
"You know what? I'll put them to bed tonight. Why don't you go relax?" Kevin said.
Susan smiled in surprise. "OK, I'm going to take you up on that. I'm going to take a long bath and read my book." Kevin stood up and took the baby from her. Susan smiled up at him, and then reached up to kiss him. He couldn't believe how happy she was over something as simple as him putting the kids to bed.
Kevin took Zoey to her nursery and changed her diaper. He sat down in the rocker and held her little body close as he gently rocked her back and forth. Ethan played quietly on the floor with some blocks. Zoey squirmed for a few minutes, then he felt her body relax as she began to drift to sleep. When she was asleep, he kissed her head and put her in her crib. He helped Ethan pick up the blocks and then they went to his room.
Ethan picked out Dr. Seuss' "The Cat in the Hat" for Kevin to read to him. They cuddled together on his bed as Kevin read. Ethan was asleep before the end of the book. Kevin tucked him in and kissed his cheek.
He went back through the apartment, turning off lights and making sure the doors were locked. Susan was still in the tub when he went into their bedroom. He paused in the doorway of the bathroom for a moment and looked at her. She hadn't seen him yet because she was so engrossed in her book. He watched her and thought about their first date. He had been so nervous and so intimidated by her beauty and brains. But she had laughed and told jokes to put him at ease. She treated him as though he were the most fascinating man in the world. He thought that he must have fallen in love with her that night. Susan looked up and saw him. She smiled at him and closed the book.
"Are they asleep?"
"Yes."
"You came home early and you've been quiet tonight. Is something wrong?"
He went over and sat on the edge of the tub. "No, nothing is wrong. I just missed you and the kids. I decided I could leave early once in a while." He leaned down and kissed her. "Are you almost done with your bath?"
"I'm done. I'll be out in just a few minutes."
Kevin went back to the bedroom and took off his clothes, hanging his suit in the closet. He pulled on some boxers and a tee shirt, and went to lie down on the bed. He heard her in the bathroom moving around. She turned out the lights and stretched out on the bed next to him.
"Do you have any idea how incredibly sexy you are when you put the kids to bed so I can take a bath?"
She smiled up at him. He leaned over and kissed her. She kissed him back passionately and wrapped her arms around him. They made slow, gentle love. Afterwards, Susan fell asleep curled against him, with her head on his chest. He inhaled the sweet scent of her and buried his face in her hair.
As he lay there entwined with his wife, it began to occur to him just how much he stood to lose if Susan ever found out about his other life. If he had told her in the beginning that he was bisexual, she would have accepted it. She was the most compassionate person he had ever met and he knew she would have tried to understand how he struggled with his feelings.
But what she would never understand or accept was adultery. Male or female, she would never sit by and allow him to have sex with other people. If she knew what he had been doing, Susan would probably take the children and leave. His arms around her tightened as he imagined losing her, losing the children. He squeezed too tightly and she stirred in her sleep. He took a deep breath and he forced himself to loosen his grip before he woke her.
What was he doing? How could he risk losing the three most important people in his life? For excitement? For the feeling of conquest? He began to feel nauseated as he remembered his encounter with Skip, and then remembered the pictures of him dead. He thought he was so cautious, and yet the detectives had set him up with no trouble at all. He realized just how much he had been lying to himself and how easily all of this could come crashing in on him.
Suddenly all those hook ups that had been so exciting seemed tawdry and pathetic. He was pathetic. Risking losing this beautiful, fascinating creature asleep in his arms for an hour of meaningless sex with other sad, pathetic men. It wasn't exciting, it wasn't sophisticated. It was stupid. It was incredibly stupid.
If Susan knew about the men he had been with, she would be devastated. He realized that while he thought losing her would be the worst thing that could happen, there was something even worse. The pain she would feel if she knew. She would be humiliated and disappointed. She would grieve over the loss of their marriage, and she would end it anyway. His heart ached with the thought of hurting her.
He wondered if it was too late. If he just stopped right now and never strayed again, would he be able to be the husband that she deserved? Should he confess everything to her and hope that she could forgive him? He didn't think he had the strength to do that. He struggled to keep from panicking as he kissed the top of Susan's head.
Tomorrow he would take his ad off of Craig's list. He would never sleep with another man again. He would be the faithful husband that Susan thought he was. She meant everything to him. She certainly deserved better than him. But he would do all he could to make her happy.
He realized that he was going to have to tell her. Even if he never slept with anyone but her for the rest of his life, without telling her the truth he would just be continuing the lie he had lived with for the last two years. He knew there was a very strong possibility that she would not forgive him, that she would take the kids and leave. But he had to take that risk. The only hope he had to heal his marriage was to tell the truth.
He sighed and held her closer. Tomorrow he would talk to her. He would explain what he had done and beg her to forgive him. All he could do was hope that her love for him and the compassion she had for all people would be strong enough to survive his deception. He drifted off to sleep with his wife in his arms and clung to the hope that she would forgive him.
The end
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