Title: The Doghouse

Type: Oneshot

Pairings: Inara/Mal, River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee, Wash/Zoe

Timeline: Pre-BDM

Disclaimer: Belongs to Joss and the hun dans who cancelled it.

A/N: Just came to me... It's 2 a.m., don't hate. Self-beta'd... at 2 a.m... probably some errors.

Inara smiled at a tired Mal while fixing his breakfast. She had lost Tall Card, and this was the price. It wasn't too bad, really. At least she knew breakfast would taste decent. Well, as decent as protein could taste. She had managed to sweet talk the shepherd into letting her use some of his spices. She turned down the burner and tasted the spoon she was using to stir. Not bad, really. She split the mixture into two bowls and put a pair of chopsticks in each. Inara gracefully walked to the galley table and set Mal's bowl beside his tin cup filled with her specially brewed coffee. She sat beside him and daintily sipped her tea. Despite it being a bet, she really did hope he enjoyed it.

Inara watched Mal put some of the protein mush into his mouth, all the while looking a bit fearful. She stifled back a giggle.

"Hmm... Pretty good, 'Nara." She blushed at his compliment. Mal could always make her blush. "You use some of Book's spices?"

"Yes. Marjoram and rosemary, especially." Inara had only taken a single bite of hers. She was content at the moment to watch Mal, her Mal, enjoy it.

Using his often astounding lack of manners, he began to speak with a mouthful of his breakfast."How'd you get it to taste sweet?" She playfully rolled her eyes and reached over, gently closing his mouth.

"I added some of the sugar from my tea set." She had really wanted Mal to enjoy this, so she had used the last of her sugar cubes. She wouldn't mind bitter tea for a few days.

"See? You're pretty clever. I never would have thought of that." Mal leaned over and kissed her lightly, giving her butterflies and causing her to blush again.

Mal paused from eating to drink his coffee and continue speaking. "That's probably why women have traditionally cooked. You have all of these great ideas in the kitchen."

Inara's butterflies stopped fluttering. She could feel her giddy smile slip. "Excuse me?"

She coolly watched Mal's eyes grow big as he realized his mistake. She decided to give him a chance to fix it. "Not that women aren't smart in other places, too! I just- you're- and women... I mean you can't deny that women have usually cooked!"

Not quite what she had been looking for. She picked up both bowls of the food and stormed off into her shuttle.

Chun zhu.

River woke up feeling euphoric. Her dreams had been filled with sunshine, joy, and laughter. The previous night had been exhausting and energizing, bold and comfortable, wild and perfect in every way. Her eyes wandered around and she realized what a mess had been made. She and Jayne were a tornado. They had swept through his bunk and made quite a devastation. A chair was overturned. Every surface in his room seemed to have been cleared off and used as a makeshift bed. Clothes, or more accurately, shreds of clothes were everywhere. She noticed spots of Jayne's blood here and there. She ought to trim her nails.

River's thoughts came back to reality and she discovered that she was quite cold. Jayne, in his peaceful state of REM sleep, had curled himself in all of the covers, leaving her naked in the cool air of his bunk. She wanted to be under the coverings with him. However, River deemed it as selfish to wake her Jayne-man just to be snuggled. And she did love the sweet music of his heavy breaths and snores.

However, she was very cold. She decided to rise and procure her own coverings, then try to achieve slumber before Jayne awoke. She knew he had a blanket somewhere... Aha! She quietly opened the bottom drawer of his dresser and pulled out a blue and yellow blanket his mother had knitted for him. Wrapping it around herself, River crawled back into his bed and pressed her body to his, glad to be near him.

He looked so peaceful. He must be having his own dreams filled with euphoric thoughts. She wondered what they were. She decided to peek into his dreamland, only for a moment...

River found herself naked on a hard bed that she had never seen, as Jayne leered down at her. She didn't mind Jayne's leer, not when it was directed at her. Suddenly, a third person entered the room.

The person smiled at Jayne in a way far to provocative for River's liking. He leered back. River realized where she was when the person took off her ill-fitting garments and joined her on the bed. She was in a whore's room.

The whore leaned her naked body into River's and Jayne continued leering at the two.

River flew out of Jayne's dreams and into his bunk. Everything was red. Jayne woke with a start. She figured anyone would awaken quickly if she were choking them with her legs while screaming vile words at them.

Hun dan.

Kaylee was sighing up at Serenity's engine. From where she was laying under it, she could see exactly what the problem was. Sometimes her girl just refused to cooperate. Usually she wouldn't mind; Kaylee loved to spend time with Serenity. But right now, she had places to be. Simon was waiting with a mouth-watering picnic basket.

Kaylee jumped at the noise of somebody clearing their throat behind her. Crawling out from beneath the engine, she was greeted by Simon's smiling face. He had come to see her. He was the shiniest person she'd ever met.

"I figured that because the engine is acting up, we could move our picnic in here so you could keep an eye on it."

She skipped over to him and kissed him on the cheek. "You are almost too sweet to be true, Simon Tam." He blushed.

They spread a blanket over the cold metal floor and began pulling the food out together. She looked over all of the items and discovered that something was missing.

"I thought you were gonna buy those cookies back on Persephone?"

Simon waved his hand, dismissing the idea. "I decided against it. You don't need that fatty food. I bought more fruit, instead."

Kaylee felt the corners of her mouth fall. "Shen me?"

Simon blanched. "No, no. I didn't mean it like that, bao bai. I just meant that it isn't healthy-"

She cut him off by grabbing the strawberries and throwing him and his stupid basket out of the engine room.

Houzi de pigu.

Shepherd Book looked up from his Bible to see Mal, Jayne, and Simon enter his passenger dorm. He raised one eyebrow, questioningly.

"We're hidin,'" Mal answered. Book decided not to press.

Zoe entered the galley and was surprised to see Inara, River, and Kaylee sitting around the table. Inara was eating two bowls of protein; Kaylee was eating a whole box of strawberries; and River appeared to be wearing every article of clothing Jayne owned, plus the covers of his bed and the hat his Ma had sent him. The women were all scowling at the air.

Zoe gave them all a knowing smile. "Men in the doghouse?"

All three nodded. Kaylee looked and asked the question that all three appeared to be thinking. "Do they ever learn?"

Zoe smiled wistfully.

"They never learn."

Book, Jayne, Simon, and Mal looked up at the sound of knocking followed by Wash's silent entry.

"Can I join the doghouse?"