Disclaimer: I don't own ANY of the character in this story, except the characters that I create.
What happens when the most brutal band on earth meets another band claiming to be the brutalest band on earth? A BRUTAL OFF!
Words: 3, 304
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Chapter 1
After a long night of drinking booze and shooting a whole lot of Cocaine with Dr. Rockso, Toki hoped into his Cadillac and decided to go home.
"Byes Dr. Rockso", Toki Yelled back to Dr. Rockso as he left the club.
"I DO COCAINE", Dr. Rockso yelled back, just before stumbling into the gutter and vomiting a mix of tequila, blood and yellowish foam.
As Toki was driving he turned his car radio to FM 99.9 HardExplosion radio. After hearing the newest Dethklok song played, the announcer came back on,
"That was the newest Dethklok song!", said the radio announcer. "But coming up next", continued the announcer "a band from Tokyo, Japan called "Bless the Sword Stricken Dead" who claim to be even brutaler then Dethklok! But more about this after these commercials"
"Nos fuckins ways", murmured Toki as he grabbed his Dethphone from his glove compartment. He quickly looked through his contacts stored his phone and found Nathan's cell number, and clicked call. He raised his phone up to his ear and stabbed his self on one of the spikes.
"Sons ofs a Bitch", Toki yelled
"Who the hell is this?" Toki heard in the earpiece.
"Sorrys Nathans, I's stab's myself ons my's Dethphones", Toki explained.
"Whatever. What do you need Toki?", Nathan asked.
"Tunes yours radios to's 99.9 FM nows, and get's everyones to hears its", Toki yelled.
As Nathan heard this, he grabbed the radio from his bed side table and turned it to 99.9 and yelled to the rest of the sleeping band members to come to his room immediately. Just as Skwisgaar, Pickles, and Murderface all come rushing in through the door the announcer comes back on the radio.
"And now, what you've all been waiting for, I'm going to tell you more about the band known as Bless the Sword Stricken Dead," the announcer says.
"Ok, what the hell do you douche bags need? I am tired as all fuck, so what is it?', Pickles demanded
"I don't know", Nathan replied. "Toki just called me on my Dethphone and told me to get all of you and to tune my radio to this station."
"It's importants guys, trusts me" Toki said.
"Bless the Sword Stricken Dead, or BTSSD as most fans call them are a three-piece death metal group from Tokyo, Japan. They are known for having one of the fastest drummers in metal, Okiswanna Fujisuko. They are also known for having a very strong lead vocalist named Funi Hanagiroh. They also claim to be the most brutal band in the world…" stated the announcer.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?", screamed Nathan, Skwisgaar, Murderface and Pickles at the same time.
"I's don'ts knows", replied Toki. "I's just heards it ands I's thoughts yous shoulds hears it"
"OH THAT"S IT", yelled Nathan. "I'M GONNA KICK SOME SHITTY METAL PLAYING JAPANESE ASS!!"
Chapter 2
"Ok, so I need you to fly the guys to Tokyo tomorrow morning," said Charles Ofdensen, Dethklok's manager, to the woman receptionist.
"Yeah, no problem," said Dethklok;s private plane pilot, Gordon Hemingway. "Just get them to be here at 9 am sharpe.
"Umm, I don't think that'll be possible. How about noon? The guys aren't going to get up early for this" asked Charles.
"Whatever. Sure, I guess I'll wait for them," said Gordon rudely.
"Alright then," stated Charles.
After telling Gordon that Dethklok need a life to Japan, Charles walked back to the Mordhaus just as the band was getting into their hot tub.
"I set up a ride with your pilot for tomorrow. You'll be going one way to Tokyo, no stops. You just need to be at the air stripe out back at 12 noon tomorrow," said Charles.
"Alright, that's fine," said Nathan.
"Yeahs, buts hows ares wes goings tos finds this others bands?" asked Skwisgaar.
"Well," said Charles, "I went ahead and called there manager. He says they are willing to meet you guys after there show at Mugisaka Stadium. All you have to do is be there when they are finished and then you can meet them."
"Dude, how long is this trip going to take?" asked Pickles
"Well, it shouldn't be any longer then 24 hours," said Charles cautiously.
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME," exclaimed Pickles.
"Theres nos ways ins Hells thats ims gonna lives thats longs ons a planes" stated Toki.
"Well if you want to meet Bless the Sword Stricken Dead, you're going to have to," stated Charles.
"Fines, lets justs dos its, okays?" said Skwisgaar. 'Wes needs tos shows those sons ofs a bitchs thats wes ares brutalers thens thems."
"Ok, well I think it would be in your best interest if you went to bed soon because you need to get up before 12 to make it to the plane on time," said Charles. "I've gone ahead and set your alarms. Please don't be late."
"Jeez you douche bag, we're not babies. We'll be there" said Pickles angrily.
"Alright then, well goodnight," said Charles as he walked off to his office in Mordhaus.
After having a few beers, the guys all went back to their separate rooms to sleep before their big trip to Japan. As midday came, all of their alarms went off at the same time at precisely 11:30. After they all got up, took a piss and got some food from Jean-Pierre they all went to the air strip. As they arrived at the plane they saw Gordon and Charles waiting by a plane. The plane was painted black with the DETHKLOK written across the side. When they arrived it occurred to Nathan that they hadn't packed any clothes or anything for that matter.
"Hey, umm Charles" Nathan asked.
"Yes Nathan," replied Charles.
"Um, I don't know about everyone else, but I didn't pack anything," confessed Nathan.
"Oh shits, me neithers," exclaimed Toki.
"Yeahs. I didn'ts eithers," stated Skwisgaar.
"SHIT, PISS, FUCK, SHIT," yelled Murderface.
"I packed some booze," said Pickles.
"Don't worry about it," said Charles. "I went ahead and packed some things for you last night while you were in the hot tub. It's already packed and put away in the plane. All that's left is for you guys to get in the plane," stated Charles.
"Alright, get in the plane, and shut the hell up," said Gordon rather rudely.
"What a pissy motherfucker," whispered Murderface to Skwisgaar.
"Nos kiddings," confirmed Skwisgaar.
So, Nathan Explosion, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth, William Murderface and Pickles the Drummer all got into the plane. Gordon started up the planes engine and off went Dethklok to go meet the elusive band known as Bless the Sword Stricken Dead.
Chapter 3
After about 12 hours the band was completely bored out of their minds. Charles had packed a lot of movies to watch on their way but they had already watched all of the good ones. There wasn't anything to do, to plane was rather large for a private plane, but compared to Mordhaus was quite small. Nathan and Murderface tried to play basketball but Gordon was getting upset and ordered them to stop. Around hour 20 the boredom was unbearable. Murderface tried to stab himself with a pen he found on the floor, but unsuccessful with this because the pen broke when he stabbed his arm with it. Around hour 23 Pickles had drank all of the alcohol we had packed and was absolutely shitfaced, and was a bit rowdy, and he decided that Murderface was being too loud.
"Hey Murderface you wanna shut the hell up," demanded Pickles
"Hey Pickles, why don't you drink some more booze? OH WAIT you can't cause you DRANK IT ALL" snapped Murderface.
Just as Murderface finished his sentence, Pickles jumped from his seat and punched Murderface in the jaw. And just as Murderface got up, Gordon cam out of the cockpit and started yelling at them.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" yelled Gordon.
"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP", screamed Murderface back at Gordon, throwing the pen he had found on the floor earlier at Gordon. The pen flew across the compartment and struck Gordon right in the eye, causing him to fall back on the emergency door and falling out the doorway, eventually landing a large patch of spiky rocks just bellow which ripped through him like butter.
'Well, this sucks," exclaimed Nathan.
"Oks, looks fors somes parachutes yeahs," said Skwisgaar rather calmly, considering the predicament they were in.
They searched the entire plane for parachutes, finally finding some in a closet in the cockpit. They suited up and jumped out of the falling plane. After a few seconds of freefalling they pulled the cord and floated down softly. As they were floating down, they turned and saw the plane continue down and crash into a small village on the side of a mountain, causing it to explode on impact.
"Beautifuls," stated Skwisgaar.
"Mhhhmm," agreed Murderface, Toki, Pickles and Nathan.
They continued to fall for quite some time. After about 10 minutes of floating down, they landed in a field of poppies. As they took of the opened parachutes, Pickles started yelling happily.
"What is it Pickles?" asked Nathan.
"Dude, its Poppies. I can make Opium out of this shit. YES," exclaimed Pickles happily.
After Pickles filled his pockets with the plant, the five of them walked to the farm house beside the field. They knocked on the door and an elderly man came to the door.
"どのようなご用件ですか?" asked the elderly man.
"Whats is hes sayings?" asked Toki.
"Speak English, douche bag," demanded Pickles.
"Ah, Americans," said the elderly man
"Yeah, which way is Tokyo? We need to get there by tonight," asked Nathan.
"Tokyo is a long way from here," said the elderly man very slowly. "Would you like for me to give you a drive there?"
"Yeahs please, thats woulds be greats," said Skwisgaar.
"Why would you give us a drive, you don't even know us?" asked Pickles.
"I believe in being generous to others, so that they will be kind to others," stated the elderly man.
"Psssh, babies," whispered Skwisgaar.
Chapter 4
As they drove to Tokyo, no one said a word. The elderly man just pleasantly smiled the whole way to the city.
"Yeah, this is weirds," whispered Skwisgaar to Toki.
"Yeahs," replied Toki.
After about an hour of driving and no talking at all, they arrived at the hotel that Charles had rented a room for them. After thanking the elderly man for the drive, they got out of the car and walked around for awhile. They walked around for a few hours, when they came upon a place called Info Bureau. It was getting dark so they need to find out where the Mugisaka Stadium was because they need to get there soon for the BTSSD show. When they walked in Nathan went straight to the desk.
"Where is Mugisaka Stadium? We need to get there for the BTSSD concert," asked Nathan
"Ah, Mugisaka Stadium is just down the street, then turn left and you should see it," instructed the man behind the counter, in broken English.
"Ok, thanks douche bag," said Pickles as the band left the Bureau.
So, as the man instructed, they walked down the street and took a left and as the man said, there was a large stadium in front of them. They walked in, but were asked by security if they had tickets. After explaining the situation, the security guard said that he had talked to Charles, and was instructed to let them in. So, after their conversation with security guard, the guys walked into the concert hall. After about half an hour, the concert began. After two god awful opening acts Bless the Sword Stricken Dead finally began to play. No one in the band liked the band; they all thought it was terrible.
"Yeahs, I's thinks I'ms gonna pukes," yelled Skwisgaar.
"Same here," yelled Nathan.
After three songs, the five couldn't take anymore of it. They decided they were going to go backstage and wait for the band to finish so they could confront them. So they walked pass all of the angst filled teenagers and the stoner metal heads to get to the back stage. After the concert the members of BTSSD walked off stage and into the back. Once they turned the corner, they came face to face with Dethklok.
"How may I help you?" asked Funi Hanagiroh, the lead singer of BTSSD.
"Who the hell do you think you are you son of a bitch? Your not brutaler then Dethklok, you're just a bunch a pansies pretending to be brutal," yelled Murderface.
"I don't understand," said Kiroh Yinusaroh, the bassist for BTSSD.
"You guys are claiming to be the most brutal band in the world, but your not. Dethklok is the most brutal band in the world," exclaimed Nathan.
"That is where you are wrong, we have heard you and you are NOT more brutal then us," said Funi.
"You are wrong. WE are more brutal. We would show you, but I'm not sure how…. we, uhhh……can," said Pickles, still a little drunk from all the liquor he consumed on the plane ride.
"If I may," interrupted Okiswanna Fujisuko, "I'd like to propose something. We should have a play off so to speak. We should take turns and have to crowd decide who is more brutal."
"A brutal off," murmured Murderface.
"YES," exclaimed Nathan, "we will have a brutal off."
"Agreed," said Funi, "I will tell the crowd to stay so they can judge our 'Brutal Off'."
Chapter 5
"May I have your attention please," asked Funi to the crowd. "I invite all of you to stay longer. We are going to have a sort of music battle with the members of Dethklok, and I would like you to stay and judge the competition."
After everyone came back into the concert hall, and the roadies brought the members of Dethklok some instruments, both bands went on stage to discus the terms of the "brutal off".
"Here's what I propose we do" said Okiswanna, "we start with our famous drummers. They will go on stage and both play, and the crowd will judge which was more brutal. Then we continue with our famous singers, and the same thing will happen. If it comes to it, we will have a tie breaker with our bassist. Is that alright with?"
The five members of Dethklok looked at each other and agreed.
"Yes, that's fine," answered Nathan.
"Shall we get started?" asked Funi
"Yeah, why the fuck not!" said Pickles, still drunk.
So Pickles and Okiswanna stayed on stage and the rest of the two bands left the stage. Pickles offered Okiswanna to go first, and he accepted. Pickles stepped aside and let Okiswanna perform. He started with a relatively slow double kick and a steady beat with the symbol. After awhile he started to speed up the double kick until it became a fierce roll. It was so fast that it conjured up a giant thunderstorm over top of the stadium. After awhile it let out a massive bolt of lightning putting a massive whole in the roof of the stadium and striking the concert floor killing several concertgoers. Then, almost immediately, Okiswanna stopped, and the storm clouds separated. The crowd erupted in applause. Then after the audience stopped, Pickles went up to the drum set and sat down. He started, like Okiswanna, with a relatively slow double sick, but after awhile he sped it up and continued to speed it up for quite some time. After awhile the double kick sped up to such speeds that it caused the ground under the concert to split in two, causing a great pit to open going straight down to Hell, which dozens of concertgoers fell into, and just like Okiswanna he stopped immediately. The crowd erupted in applause that it felt like the earth was shaking. Which meant Pickles won the first round.
"Ha, douche bag," yelled Pickles to Okiswanna.
"Well done my friend," replied Okiswanna.
"Shut up," whispered Pickles to himself.
Next was Nathan versus Funi. They both decided that they would sing their own songs. First up this time was Nathan. He decided to sing Thunderhorse, and sang near perfectly, and at the end of the song let out a massive scream causing everyone in the first five rows brains to explode, flying out of the ears. After the crowd was very gracious with the applause, Funi came on stage. He decided to sing BTSSD most famous song, Killing Unit. During the song he let out a huge scream perfectly in key, the key 'Diabolicus in Musica' causing Satan himself to emerge from the pit that Pickles created and stealing several people from the crowd and bringing them back to Hell. The crowd exploded with applause. Which meant Funi won this one. Nathan walked off the stage disgracefully.
"Nice going douche bag!" yelled Pickles.
"Yeah, sorry about that," said Nathan sadly.
"Well, I guess it's up to me," said Murderface calmly.
Chapter 6
Murderface walked on stage and met Kiroh half way. Since Funi went first last time, it was Kiroh how would be going first this time. Murderface backed a little so Kiroh would have room to do what he wanted. He started with a sort of funky bass solo, then after awhile switched to more heavy solo and eventually the crowd was absolutely loving the bass solo. After the amazing solo, Murderface was a little scared, so he turned to the rest of the band for guidance.
"Guys, I don't know if I can do it, that was pretty good," confessed Murderface.
"You douche bag," said Pickles, "you know what you have to do."
And at that very moment Murderface knew what he needed to do. So he went back on stage with his bass and looked at the audience. He started with a routine solo, nothing special but then he stopped and held the note he finished on, and then, undid his pants with one hand, and slipped his pants to his ankles. He then continued to play an exceptional solo, but unlike anyone had every seen, he played it with his penis. The crowd roared louder then they had all night, and everyone knew the outcome of the Brutal Off. Thanks to Murderface, Dethklok had won the Brutal Off.
"Yous dids its Murderface," exclaimed Toki.
"Yeahs, yous weres exceptionals," continued Skwisgaar.
After everyone had congratulated and thanked Murderface, the five members of Dethklok walked up stage just the three members of Bless the Sword Stricken Dead walked on the stage from the other side. They walked up to the guys from Dethklok, and looked them hard in the eye.
"Congratulations, you are the winner. You are more brutal," said Okiswanna.
"Shut up," said Nathan, and just as he said it, Pickles, Murderface and Nathan grabbed the three members of BTSSD and threw them into the pit where Satan grabbed them and took them to Hell. After they finished they walked outside and went to the nearest bar.
"Another job well done," said Pickles.
"Yeahs, sos wes ares the mosts brutals band ons thes planets," said Skwisgaar.
"Wait," exclaimed Murderface, "how do we get back to Mordland? Our plane blew up on the way here, and our Dethphones were on the plane, so how the fuck are we getting home?"
"Oh shit, your right!" exclaimed Nathan.
"Whos cares," said Skwisgaar, "we'lls figures its outs afters we dones withs ours beers."
"Good enough for me," agreed Murderface.
So after a well fought battle with the fake brutalest band in the world, the guys from Dethklok relaxed with a drink while sitting in a bar in Tokyo.