Category: Carby
Spoilers: Kind of post "Kisangani" fic. No spoilers for eps after 9.22 in the first 3 chapters I think. But the other 2 contain spoilers for S10.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything … ; )
Author's Notes: Had to write this after 9.22 aired. ; ) The points of view will change in upcoming chapters. Please let me know what you think and if it's any good! : ) Thanks! : )
Oh, and English is not my native language, please be gentle. ; )
Chapter 1: "Carter"
I am on my way home. Finally. Though, home will never be again what it was before I left.
My problems here are nothing compared to what I saw in Africa. I am not sure that I will ever forget the images.
And I feel guilty about how stupid I was. How much I hurt Abby, over nothing.
What did I do?
When we left Matenda and I saw Gillian and Luka, I knew what Abby must have felt like. And Gillian and Luka only knew each other for a few days. She was already worried and didn't want to leave his side. She didn't want to leave him alone in a war zone. Not to protect him, that was not possible. But to be with him, to know that he's alright. Maybe even to die with him if he died, to not be left alone with the pain.
What must it have been like for Abby? I didn't even tell her that I wanted to go. I didn't know myself before Luka called, but the way I left her was still wrong.
It must have been a hard time for her all alone in Chicago. Without knowing where I was, without knowing if I was still alive. I know I was worried about her, and she was safe, at home. I can hardly imagine what it meant for her.
I know she is probably mad at me. But I also know that she still feels the same for me, like I still feel the same for her, maybe even more. You can't just turn off your feelings, even if you want to sometimes, when you are hurt.
If only she knew how much I regret what I did.
But I just couldn't deal with all that happened lately. I can't even say what exactly it was, I can't explain it. Life just didn't make sense anymore. Gamma died and left me with all that responsibility. I didn't know how to handle it.
Of course I am still sad that Gamma died and I still don't know how to handle the new responsibility. But I see everything from a new perspective now. My priorities have changed.
Now I know how glad I can be to have what I have and I saw how short life can be.
It's worth too much to waste it. I want to be happy, but I can only be with Abby in my life.
I hope there is still an "us" after all I did to her.
All that is not an excuse, I could still have thought about her feelings, but it might explain some of my actions. I hope Abby will understand.
Though it would be understandable if she didn't. I promised her not to go anywhere, to be with her. Even with her family. She told me several times to run as fast as I could, as long as I could. And I told her that I didn't care about the fact that her family is not like any other, that I wanted to be with her.
Now, in a way I did what she feared. I ran away. Not to leave her, I just needed time. But it didn't make a difference for her I guess. I didn't let her know what I felt. She doesn't know that I didn't go because of her or her family.
Though it is true, I was shocked.
I guess I just didn't know what it could really be like. The fiasco at the funeral gave me an impression of what her whole life must have been like. But I was too hurt to see that it hurt her, too. It wasn't her fault. She wanted to be with me but had to take care of Eric at the same time. Of course I know that she was right, that she had no other chance than to go and get him, to bring him with her on the day of the funeral. But everything was too much for me. And I didn't want to hurt her even more with my words. So I sent her away. Two times even. And she respected my wish.
I could see that my words hurt her deeply. But it was easier to blame her than to understand her, to see that she didn't choose Eric over me because she loves him more. His need was just more urgent than mine.
I understand that now. But I couldn't back then.
I will never forget the look on her face when I told her to go. She looked like I slapped her in the face. But she still tried to reach out for me.
I was so stupid.
But now I know more than ever that I love her. And that she loves me. I hope she will give us another chance.
I can't wait to be back with her. I have lost count on how many times I had to think of her while I was in Kisangani. She was the only thing on my mind, the only happy thought I could think while I was in the middle of all this misery.
When I saw Luka with Gillian, Abby was always on my mind. When they were dancing, when she slept with her head on his lap. I wished Abby was with me like that.
And when the Mayi Mayi held the gun to my head, I thought that I'd never see her again. And I didn't even say goodbye to her. And I never really told her how much I love her. To never see her again and leave her like that ... the thought almost made me go crazy.
That has to change. After you see what I saw, everything is different. I can't wait to feel her back in my arms. But the taxi won't drive any faster.
Did it always take that long from the airport to her place? I could swear that it didn't. But I guess time just flies when you are happy and stands still when you are not.
I don't know when I decided to go to her apartment first. But I know it is right.
I stare out of the window, look at the buildings rushing by to pass the time.
Everything is like it was before. Everything, but me. And her probably.
The city is busy, as usual. I see people argue in front of a store. I wonder what it's about. Though when I think about it, I don't really care. I bet it is something really pathetic. So I don't even want to know.
I was that stupid myself, two weeks ago. I decide to focus on my own mistakes.
How on earth can I ever really apologise to her? I honestly don't know. Are there right words for everything you want to say? I don't think so.
I just hope that everything will work out when I just let my heart speak.
Finally, we are there. It seemed to take forever.
Though, now I wish I wasn't here already. As much as I can't wait to be with her again, as much I fear that she will reject me, that it's over for her. That I screwed everything up.
But not to go to her won't make it any better. The earlier I apologise and tell her my feelings, the better.
I hope so much that she will forgive me.
I pay the taxi driver and grab my bag.
I walk up the stairs to her front door and up the familiar steps to her apartment. With every step I get closer to her, I feel more and more secure and home.
I search for the keys in my pocket and open the door.
The surrounding brings tears to my eyes. I can smell her and I am happy to be back.
I put my bag down and make my way to the bedroom. She must be sleeping, it's in the middle of the night. I hope she doesn't have a shift. I need to see her now.
When I enter the bedroom, I can hear her breathing. I love that sound.
I go closer to her and just look at her sleeping body for a while. She looks beautiful and so peaceful. I feel so calm here with her.
I hardly dare to touch her, but I have to, to be sure that she's real, that I am really finally here with her. I smile a little, she sleeps on my side of the bed. And I could swear it's my shirt she's wearing. Does she miss me as much as I miss her?
I touch her hair and it feels so soft. I don't want to wake her up, but I have to kiss her, to feel her. I bend down and kiss the top of her head. It makes me happy just to smell her hair.
I sit down on the bed, not sure what to do next.
I want to talk to her so badly, but I don't want to wake her up.
Should I just lie down next to her?
It feels like a déjà vu. Just a few weeks ago I came home from my trip to be with her and she was lying in bed just like now.
But this time it's different.
While I am deep in thoughts, I feel her move suddenly.
I turn my head to look at her and see that she opened her eyes and is staring into mine.
I try to read the expression on her face. Is she angry? Glad? Happy? Or a bit of all?
I can only hope that everything will turn out good.