It's very dark no matter where I look. Eyes open or closed it's as though the sun has been down for so long now and the lights are no longer working. It hadn't always been so…
I remember a time when I would wake up for school with no motivation or aspirations. I had done the same thing day by day with no idea why. It was monotonous for me but essential for any hope of any form of future. Did I even want one? This question plagued my mind for years ever since my existence came into question. My purpose in this world was filled with uncertainty yet I searched for an answer those days in vain. It was then that I met you…
I had been alone, always to myself. Then you appeared during a new semester. I guess you could sense that I had been alone, or maybe something within you just wanted to find someone you could trust. It didn't take long for us to become close friends. You would invite me to all you're silly ideas and antics and I would follow along. You're fiery red hair was such an easy thing to spot. Even during the start of lunch as the crowds of people all accumulated throughout the halls I would spot you miles away. Our times were spent with much of your jokes and I would love the sigh of that bright smile as you reminisced about things that made you happy or a joke you've heard. I couldn't help but smile along. I remember the way you would include me to whatever you did. As well as told me everything in your heart. We shared so much didn't we? I could remember that we would go to our secret spots. Away from the rest and share our darkest secrets. Nothing you could say could ever drive me away I always reassured you.
I could remember the look on your face when you found someone new to crush on and I would laugh at how you would delve so into this person. You're poems would be filled with love and I would smile at how you would act so silly at the thought of meeting your crushes and the things you would throw down for if they had asked.
It wasn't until you finally found someone within reach that shared your same feelings with you that made me realize you were slowly slipping away from me. Nothing would change except he would now be around no matter where you went. You would talk to me all the time about anything that you two did. You would shine brighter than ever after each kiss you two would share and I felt so happy for you and yet I felt alienated. I started to grow angry at the sight of him in time. Could you blame me? Whenever he would hurt you I grew less and less fond of his presence. I told myself it was because of the things he did to hurt you. Was it just an excuse?
Months had gone by and we slowly drifted apart. I had managed to convince myself it was how it is when you're in love. That you were tied up with him and became too busy for much else. That it was just how you are, a lover. Truth is I was the one who was leaving. My heart would burn around you two and it made me sick. I couldn't understand why….Why I couldn't see then? Why I was in such denial at the thought of it.
When was it? That I would wake up eager to see you each and every day back then. How is it? That I would desire to see you as much as I could when it was just me and you. How did it come to be?...That I would find myself infatuated and utterly in love with you….You, a girl like me, something most would condemn or find unnatural and yet, I loved you. Loved the fiery flare that you're hair had even during the darkest of nights. Loved the sound of your voice especially when you would sing and laugh. Loved the time we had spent together for hours as if the rest of the world was but a background to frame the special moments we shared.
It wasn't until I received an unexpected call that I would once again feel my heart beat into life for a moment and yet it was quickly changed into genuine fear and horror as I heard the sadness in your voice. You're words made no sense with each word you spoke you're voice cracked under an unforgettable pain, though I could feel a sense of urgency in my heart that you needed me now more than ever. I was breathing heavily by the time I had finally reached you. My legs shaking under its own weight. I hadn't stopped running on my way to you. Before I could catch my breath to ask what was wrong you leapt to me with a tight embrace that seemed as though it revitalized all my energy. I wrapped my arms tightly around you as your body shook in utter sadness. The tears in your eye staining my top was cold but I didn't mind. "He broke up with me…." You mustered out in your cracked tone. I felt a sudden rush of happiness and guilt at the news. Knowing that it was terrible but yet somehow a part of me saw it as a chance to call you mine once more. "I didn't know who else to call you're the only person I can really trust and I know you'd never take advantage of me" You said again in that same tone.
You suddenly loosened your grip around me and looked into my eyes as if you saw through into the depths of my very soul, and before I was able to realize what happened you're eyes grew large in shock. You began to back away from me and soon even I had gone into shock. For in that small moment I realized I had kissed you. That was when everything changed….
As our eyes stared into one another in shock I could also see a hint of betrayal in your eyes as if I'd destroyed something sacred between us that should not have been. It was as if in an instant at that time my heart had overpowered me and had taken control long enough to reveal the true nature of the feelings I harbored for you. I tried my hardest to regain myself and justify my actions. I wanted to tell you my feelings for this was my only chance to yet I was betrayed by my own body for when I opened my mouth to speak I was unable to say a word. It was as if I had lost the ability to speak and to my best effort I could not say a word and I saw you turn and run. All I could do at that moment was to reach out my hand and call for you in vain as my voice was never able to reach you.
The following days I have not heard from you for such a long time. I'd see you around and our eyes would meet for what seemed like an eternity to me and I'd smile in hopes to rekindle some feeling or receive a response. I had hoped that somehow you'd forgive me sooner and allow me the chance to explain. My eternity was short lived however for in reality it was but a second before your eyes parted and once more. I experienced a heartache…
It wasn't long until I saw you with another. This time a girl. She was beautiful and I watched from afar as you two shared laughs and kisses. I was confused and broken unable to understand or get the images out of my mind that replayed over and over as if I had been trapped in a nightmarish loop with no end. One of our friends had approached me and explained to me exactly what I had feared. She told me that at that time she was hurt by how I took advantage of her moment of weakness and act so selfishly. Had I waited….had I considered her feelings then maybe…..
It was dark. My body was aching and my face was in pain yet everything was dark. I held onto it tightly as I cried but it was different. My tears weren't cold as they usually were. It was warm
Years had passed now and here I am laying on this bed. I wasn't sure of the time or whether the sun was up or not. All I know was the feeling of the mattress under my hand for a moment before a hand grabbed it and whispered. "I love you Sarah" an unfamiliar voice spoke. I reached out and felt her face but it was different, even down to the lips that were now kissing my hand. It didn't matter to me though, because in this darkness you still smiled back at me.