My fanfics are becoming increasingly inspired by conversations with TeamVampire, so once again, thank you for the inspiration TeamVampire :D Harry Potter, I own it not, Eye of the Tiger, I own it not, Anchorman, i own it not (spot the Anchorman quote!). I don't own a whole lot do I? Set somewhere in Deathly Hallows, which I also do not own. God all this not owning is making me depressed! Enjoy :)
Voldemort was strolling through the muggle street, his Death Eaters were torturing their victims with each and every unforgivable curse as well as a rainbow of other torture techniques. Muggles hung in mid air screaming for mercy. Muggles lay on the ground clutching their heads in pain. And there were those whose faces were mixed with fear and confusion. People who had never dreamt of such power saw their friends and family fall victim to it. What a marvellous thought, the days of wizards hiding from their inferiors would soon be over, and under the leadership of the Dark Lord, the blood would be kept pure. All of these marvellous thoughts ran through Voldemort's head. Right up until the point where he was punched in the face by a passing muggle.
"Son of a -!"
"How'd ya like me now lizard face?!" called the muggle as he was dragged away by two Death Eaters, the muggle elbowed one in the stomach and ferociously head butted the other, he fled into the night shouting 'we shall overcome!'. Leaving Death Eaters Malfoy and Travers writhing in pain on the ground.
"Who in the name of Slytherin was that?!" yelled Voldemort, his voice filled with rage. He was tilting his head back to try and stop the bleeding.
"Don't tilt your head back master! Your royal blood will clot!" exclaimed Bellatrix, attacking Voldemort's face with a handkerchief.
"It was just a muggle my Lord" wheezed Malfoy, attempting to regain his breath.
"Just a muggle! A muggle made the heir of Slytherin bleed?! The fist of an inferior being made contact with my royal face?! What the frick?! Oh he is so dead!"
To add insult to injury, the Death Eaters had ceased torturing to see what had occurred and many of the muggles were laughing at old snake features. When evil wizards have been torturing you, seeing a pale, bald man in a cloak bleeding through two slits in his face and stamping his feet on the ground looked really really funny.
The Dark Lord sat at the head of the table, the room was suitably evil looking; black velvet covered the walls; the room was lit only by eerie candles held in candlesticks that were engraved with skulls and the like; at a long table sat the most evil men and women of the wizarding world wearing suitably evil looking cloaks and having suitably evil looking features and hair. The Dark Lord leaned back on his chair and steepled his fingers. And addressed his followers, speaking heavily through his bandaged nose.
"I hab gathered you all here regardink a very imbortand madder" several Death Eaters suppressed sniggers.
"I do nod find dis funny!" several more suppressed sniggers. Voldemort sighed and placed his pale reptilian head in his hand. "I ab surrounded by borons" he muttered.
"Silence! The Dark Lord is addressing you!" cried Bellatrix irritably.
"Dank you Belladrix, as you all know I was brudally addacked by a muggle-"
"A very large muggle" said Lucius, defending his own honour as well as Voldemort's.
"Indeed, I have decided do begin draining in the ard of combad" there were murmurs of confusion such as 'what is the ard of combad?'
"The Dark Lord has decided to begin training in the art of combat!" said Bellatrix. There was a collective 'oh right!'.
"But master, you are the worlds greatest wizard-"
"Exactly! But without my wand I am powerless, I must learn to defend myself the muggle way, however primitive it may be. I mean look at these arms!" Voldemort waved his rather feeble arms around.
"I think they're smashing arms m'lord" said Bellatrix longingly
"No one asked you! All of you will begin draining wid me, whad good is a supreme masder with an arby that is defeated by a muggle with a sharb elbow? It has been decreed. Now someone fix my dose!" A spell was cast and Voldemort's nose was healed.
The Death Eaters assembled in the gymnasium that they had cleared of muggles for the day. Bellatrix collected wands at the door.
"The master has ordered that no wands are to be used today so that we may see our true weakness" The group grumbled as they had their wands taken from them but handed them over nonetheless. They gathered around the various pieces of training equipment, and Voldemort ordered them to begin training. Lucius began at the karate section, he gave himself a bloody nose trying to break a piece of wood with his head. Bellatrix lost control of the cross trainer and catapulted herself off. Pettigrew went flying off of the treadmill, and Travers dropped a weight on his foot. This was not working out. Voldemort (only barely containing his anger) dismissed them and told them to come back tomorrow, he would have to make a plan.
They gathered the next day as ordered and were told to stand in a line.
"As you all know yesterday was a total failure," several Death Eaters rubbed their respective sore parts remembering their experiences yesterday. "So I have decided to get us professional help in our venture, everyone welcome our coach. His name is Butch." they saw a giant of a man enter, it was easy to believe his name was Butch. He walked over to Lucius, sized him up and screamed in his face:
"Tie that hair back you sissy! You think health and safety regulations don't apply to you?!"
"My name is Lucius Malfoy, and you will address me with some respect"
"From now on your name is Girl Hair"
"Excuse me? Do you know who I am?"
"I know that you are getting on my nerves and that's enough for me!"
"I am a Death Eater! Do you know what that implies?! I eat Death! So to speak."
"I'll tell you what I eat! I eat girls like you for breakfast now borrow a scrunchie from crazy hair over there," he motioned to Bellatrix "and tie that hair back!" Bellatrix grudgingly offered a hair bobble, and Lucius grudgingly accepted, muttering angrily to himself"
"What are you laughing at Lizard Face?!" Butch turned his attention to the chuckling Voldemort, who enjoyed a good humiliation.
"Butch, perhaps you don't understand the situation, you see I'm kind of a big deal. And I would prefer you not call me Lizard face cause, you know, you're inferior"
"I do not care if you are the Queen of England and this is your Jubilee parade! Right now I am declaring Butch law and if one more of you sissies break Butch law I'm gonna teach you the meaning of PAIN! Now drop and give me twenty Lizard face!"
"The name is Voldemort! And you sass me again I'm gonna teach you the meaning of Voldemort, it means FLIGHT OF DEATH! Hear that? A flight full of Death!"
"I said drop and give me twenty Lizard face!"
"Yes sir Butch Sir" Voldemort dropped and gave Butch one, then he collapsed under his 'smashing' arms.
"Girl hair! You hold Crazy Hair's feet and Crazy Hair is gonna give Butch some sit ups! Greasy hair you get on that bike and keep going till you can't breathe. Rat face get the biggest weight you can find and use that creepy silver hand of yours to lift it! Go go go!" Lucius, Bellatrix, Snape and Pettigrew all scurried to their assigned positions while the rest of the Death Eaters were assigned tasks.
Several hours later the scourges of the Wizard World limped home. Voldemort had realised just how ill prepared he was for a muggle attack. That was going to change.
Voldemort woke early the next morning and put on his dark flowing robes. At his bedside table he found a muggle music disk, the card was in Bellatrix's handwriting 'I have been told this is good music to train to Master xxx' Voldemort read the track list 'Eye of the Tiger' hmm, he put it into a CD player and already he could feel the manliness increase. He walked to the kitchen and got out three eggs. He cracked them into a glass and raised it to his lips. "They're only eggs" he thought. He tipped the thick liquid down his throat and felt triumphant. Then he felt sick, then he vomited. But he was not deterred. Butch met him at the door
"Run Lizard face!" Butch rode on a bicycle as Voldemort stumbled along the road trying to keep up. The day went on and Voldemort failed at yet more work outs, he was taken a swimming pool and nearly drowned himself, he was taken to a child's play park and he fell off the monkey bars, and there was running, endless running. After weeks of such failure, and weeks of listening to 'Eye of the Tiger' on a loop, Voldemort felt he was ready.
Voldemort stood alone in the middle of a boxing ring.
"Ok, Lizard Face, choose your opponent" said Butch.
"Ok, I choose Rat Face, I mean Pettigrew"
"Um, Master I don't know if-"
"Come up here and fight, or would you prefer I address you as Girly Butt?!"
"That won't be necessary" Pettigrew climbed under the ropes and raised his fists awkwardly. Voldmort took a swing, Peter dodged; he had been training too. Voldemort went for the face another time, Peter blocked.
"Come on Pettigrew! Quit dancing around and hit him!" shouted Draco, he was given a sharp elbow from his father.
"Son of Girl Hair! No heckling" screamed Butch. But finally Peter took a swing, and the Dark Lord was floored.
"Oh Master I am so sorr-" Voldemort raised his hand to indicate he wanted silence
"Jusd fetch by wand Peddigrew" said The Dark Lord, clutching his nose in his second punch related injury of the month.
Thank you kindly for reading. Review please, I would be ever so grateful :)