A/N: kay so this is my first fic that I am posting here...it will be broken up into small chapters for the individual journal entries...I have it as Spuffy, but there is no kissage or anything, just Buffy's thoughts on what could happen with her and Spike...this fic will take place in season six, and probably the night before OMWF...it is gonna be all journal except for the little bit of Tara's thoughts...I have so many fics that I have started or have ideas for over the past 4 or 5 years, but I am not comfortable with them...this one, however, I am fairly comfortable with...and so I am posting the first part now and hope to get at least one review before I expand...this story is un-beta'd...yet I have read it over and over again, editing and proofreading, and relying heavily on my spell/grammar check...so hopefully it will not have very many errors...real life is very busy with working 7 days a week so I may not get the next journal entries/chapters up until later in the week...maybe Thursday since I work a morning shift at my second job and will have the evening free to edit the entries...kay...so I shall endeth this rambleth here and hope you enjoy my fic...I'm pretty sure it has been over done, but here it is...enjoy?
PS: I cannot believe I posted without a disclaimer...here so here it is:
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Buffy and Spike because if I did, I would not have let their epic love story just end the way it did...yet alas...there is nothing I can do but make and read fanfiction to change that...also...the rest of the characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are not mine to play with whenever I want...that right will forever belong to Joss Whedon and co. at Mutant Enemy...but sometimes he lets me play with them...and it makes me of the happy that is very...specially when he doesn't take them away before I can finish the stories...damn you Joss!!...heh...at least he let me keep Buffy and Tara long enough to write this one...BUT THE POEMS ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE SO IF THE MEDIOCRENESS OF THEM IS APPEALING TO YOU AND YOU WANT TO BORROW THEM OR SOMETHING, YOU NEED TO LEAVE ME A REVIEW ASKING NICELY AND MAYBE I SHALL LET YOU USE THEM FOR WHATEVER...Thanks Much...MONICA
Willow and Tara watched as Buffy ran down the stairs and flew out of the house without a word for patrol.
"What's wrong with Buffy?" Tara asked her red haired girlfriend.
"She's probably still trying to readjust to being alive again. After all, we just pulled her out of goddess knows what kind of Hell dimension a few weeks ago." Willow replied, as if it was as simple as that.
"Yeah, you are probably right," said the blond witch, knowing there was something more that Buffy was not willing to share with them. Why aren't you talking to us Buffy? Tara wondered.
After a moment, Tara had a thought and decided to check Buffy's journal for any recent entries. Excusing herself from her girlfriend's embrace on the couch, she made her way to Buffy's room. Nervously, Tara did a quick summoning spell to find Buffy's journal without moving anything out of place, alerting the Slayer to an unwanted entry upon her return home from patrol. Once she had the journal in her hands, she was apprehensive to open it because these were Buffy's private thoughts that she did not want to share with anyone. It was a violation of privacy and that was something Tara never did, yet she needed to know what was wrong with Buffy even if it meant keeping whatever secret she has away from the rest of the gang. With a deep breath, she opened the journal to the end and found that she had written a lot in the past few weeks. Tara could not help but notice the difference in Buffy's handwriting from the entries before her death and after. Gone was the flowing script of a young woman, now it was a quick scribble of lines showing her pain without even needing to read the actual words. Finding the first page of these entries, Tara reads the truth of why Buffy has been so distant.
Everyday they ask me if I am okay and all I can do is nod my head and say I am getting better. I cannot even look them in the eyes as I lie to them. I wish I could tell them all the truth, but I hate them all so much right now that I can hardly bear to be in the same room with them for more than a few minutes. I cannot be mad at Dawn, Giles, and even Spike because I know they had nothing to do with it. I can even understand Tara and Anya taking part in the resurrection because they are in love with THEM and will do almost anything for THEM, yet that does not mean that I am still not mad at them as well. How could Willow and Xander do this to me? How, after everything, could they possibly believe I was stuck in some goddamn Hell dimension? Did they even bother trying to find out? No, they were just too selfish to let me go! To let me live in peace! I spent five years sacrificing everything for this world that could hardly give a damn about me and when I finally sacrifice my life to keep it alive and safe, they tear me out of my rest. I finally had peace and warmth and was with my mom again. I was able to watch over Dawnie and Spike to make sure they did not hurt themselves and I could check in on everyone else when they were in the same room as the two. Yeah, I am admitting this to you, to myself. I DID care for Spike, how could I not after everything he went through to protect Dawn from Glory. He told me that night that he knew I would never love him and that he was a monster, but that I treated him like a man, but he never finished what he wanted to say. If the circumstances were different, if we were not about to face a Hell goddess to save my sister, I probably would have told him that it was not completely impossible for me to love him; however, I could not say anything. I figured that there would be a chance after everything; I hoped there would be. So while I enjoyed my rest in whatever dimension of HEAVEN that I was in with my mother by my side watching over Dawn and Spike, Willow and Xander were plotting to figure out how to bring me back to this Hell I call Earth. It has been a few days since they brought me back, and every time I look at Willow, I know she is expecting me to thank her for getting me out. I hate her the most. The greatest best friend I have ever had and now I cannot bear to look at her. My insides are boiling with anger at what she did to me and the fact that I can feel anger this strong is a good thing, right? If I can feel something other than the pain and misery of being back here, then that means there is still hope to feel other things like compassion, joy, maybe even love. God I hope so because right now I am barely holding on to the newly unwanted life they gave me. I really want to be able to tell Dawnie, Giles, and even Spike that I love them and mean it. I don't know if I love Spike, but if I had never died, there would have been a good chance of it happening. I was so stupid because here he was doing the exact opposite of what an evil, soulless vampire is supposed to do, and he did it all for me. I know that all he had to do was get a minion to snap a person's neck so that he could still feed on warm human blood, but he did not do it. He threatened to kill Drusilla for me to prove that he loved me, but I let my fear of falling for another vampire cloud my judgment. I just want to feel something similar to what I felt in Heaven. Will I ever get used to this? Every time I die, do I have to worry about Willow and Xander bringing me back because they expect me to be around to protect them until old age takes us to our final rest? I don't know what to do. That hitchhiking demon really shook me up yesterday. I just hope it wasn't right. If I am going to be stuck here, I don't want to stay depressed like this. If anything, I need to take care of Dawn and I cannot do it like this. God I hope things can get better for me.
A/N2: Please leave any kind of review if you read...even if it is to flame me or something, I don't care...I just want to know that someone took the time to read this...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!...MONICA