Notes 1: I don't know what this is, another 'realisation fic', I reckon? As my housemates say about me – "I swear Sue is in a constant state of confusion" which they're right. I dunno what's going on seventy percent of the time. Ah, um, this was supposed to be about Chitanda, and it kinda is, but it centres around Oreki. I think this is the most Satoshi I've ever written in my entire few years of being in this fandom. Also, I dunno how but this fic turned into 5K? Also also, I dyed my hair purple again.
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reference the rain
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완벽한 사람은 없어
실수투성이고 외로운 나를 봐
(There's no such thing as a perfect person,
Look at me, filled with mistakes and loneliness )
– 이지은, 비밀의화원
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The night sky is littered with stars and the air is cool enough for a late stroll – Eru Chitanda finds herself walking along the paddy fields; purples eyes staring straight, and small, dainty hands politely behind her back. Her long skirt swishes with the wind and her equally long hair is tied away from her face.
She is humming a tune and she wonders about many things, letting her thoughts fly and float away, straying off and colliding. Just as she starts counting the handful of constellations she can name while admiring the brightest of the moon, she catches the sight of a bird flying by.
"Oh." Chitanda sucks in a breath, cold air filling her lungs.
It makes her frown. The long walk is no longer pleasant.
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{ 바람을 타고 날아오르는, 새들은 걱정 없이
The birds that fly with the wind, they have no worries }
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March is a time for good-byes – it is the day of their graduation
All around them, Kamiyama High students are either crying, laughing or both while hugging each other tightly. This is it, their last day of being a youthful high school student.
Houtarou then turns to face Chitanda, wishing it wasn't just them and the silence for the first time in his life, wishing for all four members of the Classics Club to be here. But Satoshi and Ibara are together now – officially.
Ibara had decided to confess again, choosing to do it in public, her bow in a perfect 45 degree angle. Though, Houtarou thinks the tactic was to hide her very pink, blushing face. Satoshi had first responded to Mayaka's confession with the same automatic smile before he removed a button from his uniform, the second top – the one that was closest to his heart. The crowd that had formed around the two had cheered and gasped and hollered, and Houtarou thinks he could never do that to himself.
Finding himself daydreaming, Houtarou blinks himself out of his trance and gazes at Chitanda who's done her long, black hair into an elegant high bun. If she turns her profile ever so slightly, Chitanda looks different. Maybe older and wiser while Houtarou is –
"This is such a bittersweet moment, isn't it, Oreki-san?" Chitanda laughs softly, arms overflowing with banquets of daisies and sunflowers and other flowers he doesn't know the names of.
"Ah." He murmurs back. Sometimes, Houtarou forgets how soft-spoken Chitanda can be. He's just so used to her loud exclamation of 'I'm curious!' that he almost forgets. Almost. Regardless, Chitanda can be anything when she wants to.
"I wonder," Chitanda continues in the same small voice, purples eyes softening. "What happens now."
To Chitanda's choice of words, Houtarou holds his tongue; like anything from it will slip away as smoke or faraway dreams do. He freezes and stands still, the same way he did the day after the Doll Festival had taken place. Like the day where sakura petals fell and a rose-coloured life was offered to him or the day he had pondered on the idea of taking over the business side of Chitanda's farm.
"I'm curious about the future, it's so vast, isn't it, Oreki-san?" Chitanda's eyes are looking at the big, endless sky as she says this and Oreki cannot meet her expectation.
"It is." Houtarou says to the ground, looking downwards, and Chitanda resumes looking upwards.
The future is vast.
It's uncertain too – the future, he means. Swallowing, Houtarou plucks a flower from his own bouquet of mixed flowers, something his 'dearest' older sister had gifted him before disappearing to do who knows what. Houtarou really had tried to deflect much of anything to do with his sister but Tomoe knows how to get under his skin
He clears his throat, catching Chitanda's attention.
"Here." Houtarou says, his arm pushing towards Chitanda. He pretends that whatever he is holding is not delicate nor that his hand may be trembling slightly. "Congratulations on your graduation, Chitanda." I hope to see you around. He, much like Ibara, makes sure to bow a perfect 45 angle.
.
.
.
It is not the button closest to his heart, and, he thinks, it may never good enough, but it's something – a single pink rose.
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{ 향기 나는 연필로 쓴 일기처럼, 숨겨두었던 마음
Like a diary written with a scented pencil, I hid my heart }
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"Have you thought of it?" Satoshi's question came as sudden as the gust of wind running through their hair and sending shivers down their spines.
Green eyes blink back in consideration. At first, Houtarou looks at Satoshi who is beside him, pushing the peddles of his bike; then Houtarou's gaze sweeps to the blue sky before the road they are travelling on. They're going to the arcade despite being (perhaps) 'too old' because boys will be boys and because the two are desperately trying to cling onto the fact that youthfulness should not be a faded issue.
"Thought of what?" Houtarou asks back.
Usually, he's not the type to answer a question with another question. It's so circular and exhausting, it's not his style and so unlike his motto. But today, Houtarou wants to be ... he doesn't know? Different? Shouldn't he be? After all, he is no longer a high school student.
But …
But Houtarou feels no major shift in his life. He doesn't think he's changed (at least, not by that much).
Satoshi's eyebrow quirks upwards before a slow spreading smile dominates his face; it's automatic, a sort of reflex that he still can't shake off. "You haven't then. I see."
'I see'? See what? Houtarou thinks. He figured his friend would make a big show; wave a knowing, pointed finger in the air and exclaim, 'You know! 'It'! 'It', Houtarou!' but Houtarou guesses his deductive skills can't always be accurate.
A sour frown presses on Houtarou s mouth. "Are you going to tell me?"
"About?" Satoshi queries, brown eyes searching and a smile still frozen on his face.
Houtarou feels a load drop on his shoulders. He has no time for these mind games. "Never mind." He utters, before adding, "You're impossible."
And Satoshi being Satoshi, let's out a good-natured laugh and over-takes Houtarou just to annoy him.
.
.
.
If he cannot even think, then how can he dream?
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.
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It's raining today.
March has passed and most high school graduates would be thinking of college entrance exams. But, Houtarou hasn't. He knows he should be. But he hasn't. There is no good, reasonable excuse. Not really.
The April showers are especially cruel this time of year, or, at least, Houtarou thinks so on the accounts that it is not just a slight drizzle. It's raining cats and dogs; pelting down without mercy and beating things back into shape.
And for some reason, just as Houtarou is lulling to sleep with his toes curled under his blanket and his bedroom window shivering, he dreams. In this hazy sleep, Chitanda's lovely face is perplexed and she's looking at her feet. Her shoes are clicked together and pointed, her legs straight.
"I just don't understand." Dream Chitanda says, sounding so close to the real Chitanda.
He should answer. Or at least ask a polite 'What is it that you don't understand?' but Houtarou doesn't say anything back. His mouth cannot move, he can only settle and simply stare.
"I don't get it, do you, Oreki-san?"
Looking at the crown on her bent head, Houtarou concludes that doesn't understand either.
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{ 기댈 수 있는 어깨가 있어, 비가 와도 젖지 않아
But there is a shoulder I can lean on, it won't get wet even when it rains }
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"You haven't decided yet?" Satoshi's question greets the air.
For some unknown reason, it annoys Houtarou. The question feels more like a challenge than a simple thing. Like a shove rather than a push.
Shrugging, Houtarou puts down his cup of hot coffee and answers, "I'm thinking, pursuing a degree isn't that easy."
"Think faster, I thought we were going to the same college!"
Houtarou only throws Satoshi a look.
And in response, Satoshi tries to brush it off. A classic Satoshi thing to do! "Oh, come on, it was a joke! I'm joking! Only joking – mostly."
"What do you suggest I do then?" Houtarou asks, which now that he thinks about it, is a stupid thing to do. But at the time, it seemed alright. Especially since Satoshi Fukube had managed the impossible and tackled on an issue he should have overcome years ago; that is – settling and liking one thing.
"Hmm," Satoshi hums, drumming his fingers against the table of the cafe, ignoring his own drink. "Whatever happened to that career book you had in second year?"
His eye twitches. "You saw that?" Houtarou gaps.
"Uh-huh." Satoshi nods, now looking mischievous. But that ever-present grin always did such a thing to the androgynous boy's features. "I stopped by the Geography room to get something from Mayaka and saw your book left on the table. If you had wanted to keep it a secret, you shouldn't have left it the way it was – with the cover expose."
Holding back a defeated sigh, Houtarou looks away and occupies his time with his coffee. He got careless. He simply didn't want to place a bookmark between his pages. It was only a quick bathroom break, how was he supposed to know this would come back to haunt him years later?
"So are you going to pick it?" Satoshi prods. He's even leaning forward in interest.
"Pick what?"
"It?" Satoshi repeats but the single word he sprouted sounded wrong. Like the word shouldn't have been an 'it' but a –
"I don't know." Houtarou answers quickly. "My parents don't mind that I'm indecisive. I think they expect me to take a year off."
"A year off?!" Satoshi wails like it's the end of the universe itself. Oh, he's so dramatic!
"Tomoe spend two years travelling the world, I don't see any qualms delaying my education by a year." Houtarou reasons.
"But –" Satoshi blanches, palms open and arms spread to sweep over the table. "But, Houtarou!"
"But what, Satoshi?"
The skinny boy stutters, tripping on his words, trying to form an excuse until it comes tumbling out. "But if you never wanted to go, why were you looking at that career book as early as second year?"
This statement comes crashing down on Houtarou immediately – holding a firm grip on him. The simmering irritation that had bubble behind his throat gets swallowed down.
Don't say anything. The logical part of Houtarou's brain chimes. Despite this, Houtarou cannot stay quiet. Usually, he would. He would gladly let heated conversations die down but this one, this one he can't because –
"I didn't say: never. I didn't say I didn't want to go." Houtarou answers and thinks, I just don't know if I should go.
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Dream Chitanda invades Houtarou's space just as much as the real Chitanda. Only, unlike real life, Houtarou thinks there is no way he can dodge Chitanda.
Everything is blurry around them, Houtarou cannot tell where they are – it all feels so familiar yet also so strange. Dream Chitanda is watching over a scene closely and he is watching her. There is a slow reaction to her movement; she blinks with confusion, her head tilts side-to-side and her eyebrows even dip. He wants to know what she doesn't understand about the scene.
Then as if on cue, she asks, "I don't get it."
But it sounds shy and she's still looking downwards as if speaking to her feet.
He can only press his lips together, holding back a grin he does not know why is blossoming. How will he word this? He hears her say 'I don't get it, I don't understand' but he knows what she really means is 'Please explain it to me' because he knows her better now. Because that's just how Chitanda is.
Chitanda is the essence of curiosity. She's the type of person who asks too many questions so that she doesn't even up on a side of a conversation where someone goes, 'You don't understand, don't jump to conclusions.' She is a lot of things but Chitanda is not ignorant. She tries her best to not offend anyone by not saying too much, but it doesn't do the best for her image. Oreki remembers when he thought Chitanda was an airhead for not knowing the simplest of things when in actuality, Chitanda was just holding her tongue as to not say the wrong thing.
Chitanda doesn't assume, she never does.
"Can you tell me? Please, Oreki-san?" She looks up from her feet, looking him in the eyes.
A tightness takes hold of his chest, squeezing his poor heart. Opening his mouth, Houtarou replies –
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When Houtarou wakes up, he discovers that the rain has crept in through his shuddering window and left him cold.
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He doesn't know why he wanted to take this walk, down this specific road, the urge just hit him – like lightning, a feeling like a loud clap of thunder deep in his chest.
But now Houtarou thinks he's regretting it. He regrets exiting the comfort of his house and getting thrown into the mass of people. In addition to that, the clouds rolling above his head are looking especially grey. It looks like Houtarou will really be struck by lightning if he doesn't either make it under some shelter soon or get an umbrella.
What am I doing? Houtarou thinks to himself. He doesn't even have a destination in mind, no shops to visit or things to buy or any end goal. I'm thinking too much. He thinks a moment later.
He should not be this deep in thought. Houtarou figures he shouldn't be in this position anymore – not after graduating high school and not after escaping Chitanda's curiosity (but maybe that was something never meant to be?).
Regardless of all of this, Houtarou blames Satoshi and their conversation that never got resolved. The pavement around Houtarou's shoes receives the force of his irritated stare as if the earth itself has personally wronged him.
Then Houtarou sighs. What is he doing? Glaring at the ground? Glaring at the flowers poking out of concrete? People will start to think he's lost his mind!
Why am I like this? He huffs in his head.
A street away, the crossing light turns red and Houtarou inwardly groans. He was so preoccupied thinking that he missed his chance! With his luck, he might be caught under some rain.
"Have you thought of it?" Satoshi's words enter Houtarou's brain. The recollection feels like an uninvited guest; staying and being a general nuisance until it clicks.
Ah, so that's what he means. Houtarou thinks and feels like glaring at the ground once more.
He's said it once, and he will say it again – Houtarou Oreki doesn't think he's special. He thinks he's the opposite, he thinks he's average. Painstakingly average. Houtarou doesn't think he is good enough. And from this, he doesn't want to allow himself to be as passionate as Ibara or as obsessive as Satoshi. Houtarou is good with deduction, yes, but he cannot predict the future. He doesn't know what the outcome will be.
And the future …
A future – 'it' – may be out of the question. Why?
Because it involves Chitanda. And Houtarou doesn't know what she will see in him if he were to ever suggest the idea, of being by her side, of taking the business side, much less go through with it. Not to be a downer, but Houtarou doesn't think he can ever see it coming true. How can he? He's plagued with simplicity – if not, self-doubt. Chitanda is something – no, someone – whom Houtarou thinks would not fit into his average life (or, rather, he's not fit for her extravagant life).
He, to this day, doesn't understand how things between them can progress. He's always thought he gave off the vibe of being closed-up by being very one-sided. Yes, a one-way street.
Houtarou does a lot of things that are considered ill-fitting; he nods when words aren't needed, he slouches either standing or sitting with his hands hidden in the pockets of his pants, and he grunts a lot instead of saying anything. Chitanda, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of what he is; she stands like a lady, tall with a proper spine and with her hands folded in front of her, she speaks in full coherent sentences, and she asks well-thought questions.
For goodness sake, Houtarou thinks he doesn't even smile at Chitanda. In fact, he thinks he looks miserable every single second of every day of the week.
The conversations between him and Chitanda have never felt less than average, there were moments of pauses and silence between them, mostly only broken by Chitanda's need for polite chit-chat. Like after they had solved the Hyouka mystery and there was nothing else holding him to her – they had been standing at this very street, the street that's rolling with grey clouds.
They were sixteen and returning from the library for Ogi-sensei, the sky above them turning purple to yellow and the crossing street chirped. Houtarou figures he had broken a small little moment for Chitanda. He was so sure he was being crude to her (if not, impolite) but Chitanda continued to soldier on, treating him so normally.
"Give it a rest." He had remembered huffing, not out of frustration or any hard feelings. And in reaction, Chitanda hadn't taken his words into heart, only gasping lightly at his bluntness like she's never been told such words, letting everyday sounds pass through them.
(If only he thought a little harder, then he would have remembered that he had said the exact same words months later with a smile on his face and the sun reflecting golden)
So – Houtarou asks himself – how can he even fathom the thought of pursuing Chitanda when he can't even hold down the simplest of tasks?
Unfortunately, he doesn't get to ponder on this. The sound of the crossing sign beeps, sending alarms in bird chirps, and Houtarou walks on with the fear of rain back in of his mind.
.
.
.
"Does being more passionate make life more exciting or just more heartbreaking? I don't know. Maybe it's both? That's always possible."
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{ 힘을 내야지 행복해져야지, 뒤뜰에 핀 꽃들처럼
I must have strength, I must be happy like a flower that bloomed late }
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Thinking back, Houtarou's conversations with Chitanda are never as lively as Satoshi's or as fierce as Ibara's – there are moments where there are steady beats and awkward pick ups and miscommunication, but there are also moments where Houtarou doesn't particularly mind. Where it hits him that – it's there and it's happening, yet Houtarou still does not understand why.
He doesn't think he's boring, his sister thinks he's weird (and isn't there a saying about weird people being interesting?) but Houtarou also doesn't think he's special. He's average, smack-dab in the middle average and Chitanda is special. Special in terms of her noble family name, her pleasant attitude and her high grades, bright looking future and even her heart-breaking past; her very being, actually.
The same Chitanda who is going for sciences while Houtarou is still undeciding.
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This time – this time – Houtarou knows that he is not dreaming. No, he is remembering – an old memory playing like a film in his head. The smell of petrichor resurfaces a distant memory into his mind for reasons unknown:
They were first years, sitting in the quiet that is the Geography room, and Houtarou had asked as his green eyes flit over to Chitanda, "So you're saying I'm a master at making theories?"
Chitanda blinks back with curiosity. "Aren't you?" She asks.
"No." He answers, eyes now averted elsewhere, at his open book placed on the table. He doesn't want to stare any longer into Chitanda's eyes, he's convinced that she will read his soul and take it for her endless mysteries. "I don't know how I come up with those theories myself." He admits.
Linking her hands together, Chitanda now looks down at her interlocked fingers and explains the same way a teacher would to a confused student, "That's because you don't understand yourself."
And the moment should have been revolutionary but Houtarou had only thought, What is this? because he couldn't image Chitanda turning into a life coach, teaching him things about himself. Maybe he should have prodded more, ask for an elaboration, but he does not.
And just like that, the moment is gone and then they are both looking away from each other, out the window and at the fading sky. Despite that, Houtarou can't help but think that Chitanda is right.
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{ 난 다시 꿈을 꾸게 되었어 그대를 만나고부터
I started to dream again after I met you }
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Her umbrella had failed them and so the rain soaked them to the bone. Well, mostly Houtarou. He had removed the casual jacket thrown over his shoulders and draped it over Chitanda's head without a word.
"By the way," Chintanda says, using a phrase Houtarou had used long ago, the one that backfires on him as cherry blossoms fell. "I'm sorry for the inconvenience."
"It's alright." Houtarou mutters, teeth clattering. It's so cold. Is it even Spring?
"No, it's not." Chitanda shakes her head and tries to stand as close to Houtarou as possible like she can shield him in some way. They stand under trees that serve little to no use as shelter. "I'm the one who asked to meet up." She tells him and doesn't add, 'Before I leave for college.'
"Well," He mumbles, shoes getting ruined by the mud. "It can't be helped. It's been raining a lot lately. The weather forecast has been unreliable."
But Chitanda does not surrender. She feels responsible and can't shake the feeling that she should make up for the situation. Oreki to Chitanda is –
Oreki is not just a boy. Yes, there are moments where Oreki does sound like every other boy, an average person – muttering about minor inconveniences and complaining about fleeting problems, but Chitanda knows better. She's seen it with her two eyes, he is kinder than he knows is and selfless as evidence in the way he treats her; the small pauses he makes to think instead of carelessly speaking, the careful collection of answers, the way he tries to phrase his words when she doesn't understand something.
The Classics Club had joked that Oreki had not possessed any emotion but that's untrue. In second year, when Oreki had found Chitanda hiding in a small garden shed from the rain and her fear for the future, Chitanda had discovered something new about Oreki. That he is more than just smart in deduction. More than considerate. More than the type of 'special' she had in her mind.
He is still polite even when he's mad. When Oreki had gotten frustration on behalf of Chitanda, he hadn't raised his voice or shouted out names, he had just lowered his head, bowed and comforted her in hushed words. If that isn't humble and kind then she doesn't know what is.
Turning her head to face him, her curiosity takes over her and Chitanda clutches onto the jacket wrapped around her shoulders. She asks, "Why are you doing this?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean – why?"
"W – What? 'Why'? It's raining and the umbrella – I, I can't let you freeze so –"
"No, I mean –! That's not it, Oreki-san. What I mean is –" She opens her mouth to say more – but then stops. He looked so raw under the rain; with water pouring into his eyes, skin soaked with a sheen and his damp hair, as if the heavens are washing him anew. It was so unlike him, so different. Chitanda believes in change. She does.
Shedoesshedoesshedoes.
"Oreki-san!" Chitanda gasps suddenly, rain sliding down her pale face. "Oreki-san, do you remember how Fukube-san had felt after he broke Mayaka-san's chocolate?"
"What?" He asks back, and it's not from the raging rain whistling in his ears. "Why are you bringing this up?" In the pouring rain?
"Do you remember? Because Mayaka-san told me and I –" She hesitates. "I need you to remember. Please. For me. I need you to consider."
He gaps back. "But – But why?"
"I can't say." She says with a certain manner. She's letting him down softly. Like Hongou-san, Chitanda is doing this because she dislikes conflict and would rather not cause it. "But, I think it's best that you figure this out yourself."
"I – I don't understand." Houtarou utters, sounding so much like dream Chitanda.
"I don't expect you to, Oreki-san."
And even with the strong wind and shaking leaves and Chitanda being near, Houtarou still wonders if this is all a dream.
.
.
.
(It's not, it's real)
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That night, Houtarou dreams.
"I managed to get the chocolate to Satoshi." Dream him says, back pressed against the wall of his bedroom and phone pressed against his ear.
Even in his dreams, Houtarou is unsure to why he's calling Chitanda at this hour and telling her this over the phone when he can just see her in person tomorrow. Maybe it's because he still feels bad after watching fresh tears leak from the corners of her expressive eyes?
Chitanda's voice goes soft as she tells him, "I see, that's good to hear." It's like she never cried that afternoon.
"Yeah ..." His nose scrunched with the sudden seriousness in his voice. "Don't worry about it." He says, just in case that Chitanda does. He won't say it out loud, but he worries about Chitanda just as she worries about the people who are special to her.
He imagines a light smile touching Chitanda's lips after he tells her this. Ah, he's letting his imagination run wild again.
"Oreki-san." She calls his name, bringing his attention forward. "Thank you." Chitanda says this with meaning, with sincerity in every fibre of her body. "Thank you for everything you did today."
It makes Houtarou pause, open-mouthed, feeling his heart moved by kindness. He wonders, when was the last time he allowed himself to be selfless? When was the last time someone talked to him for his help like that? He can't remember. Chitanda is truly digging into his heart, causing him to think about himself. He doesn't know if he wants to go there.
"It was nothing." He answers.
.
.
.
(But in actuality, it's something. It's always something)
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{ 어제의 일들은 잊어, 누구나 조금씩은 틀려
Forget the things of yesterday, everyone gets things slightly wrong }
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"Oreki!" A voice yells, sounding all too familiar and all too anger.
Houtarou snaps his head, neck swirling around and raising his chin to see better.
"Oreki!" A tiny hand yanks him down, there Houtarou is met with furious pink eyes. Ibara. He hasn't seen her since graduation, she's been busy with her manga and college and dating Satoshi. She's never once crossed his mind so he doesn't know why she's here now – in his brain, in his dreams.
Swallowing back an urge to grimace, Houtarou says nothing. This is a nightmare. This is the worse thing that can ever happen to Houtarou, never in his life would he imagine Ibara entering his dream.
"How long are you going to make her wait?" She snaps, as short as her temper.
"What?" Is all Houtarou can say, staring at Ibara like he can't understand simple Japanese.
"How long?" Ibara asks again and releases her grip on his shirt. A force pushes him backwards and Houtarou doesn't know if it's dream Ibara or just something happening but he stumbles back and Ibara disappeares into thin air.
Houtarou thinks he's falling falling falling until he finds himself standing with the stiff handle of a red umbrella in his hands and taiko drums in the background. He's back! Back in the past, back in those robes that never fit him, back at age sixteen.
And he can't stop himself. He can't.
I'm curious. The old thought hits him. I'm curious! I want to see Chitanda from the front! I want to see Chitanda with her make-up! He can't help but think as he stands behind Chitanda in her twelve layered kimono.
His eyes are wide and his mouth is gaping open stupidly. Oreki has realised that he still has a lot to learn. He finds out things about himself, things he didn't even think was possible about himself – that he can be curious, that he can be considerate and awed and dazzled though seeming aloof.
There is still something left unfinished, something that he must do and he thinks, he thinks, that he can no longer avoid it.
.
.
.
This time, his dreams are plagued with Summer and an unbearable heat wave. Even in this version of himself, he is sweating due to the glaring sun. It should have been something he considers a nuisance, but it's not. No. It's more peaceful and less of a whirlwind than his previous dream; smelling of chlorine and his friends are in their swimsuits.
Chitanda is dressed in white, the colour of the ice-cream that solves the mystery (when will that dreadful dessert leave him alone?).
"How did you notice the earring was gone?" Houtarou remembers asking.
At first, Chitanda hesitates, if not only for a moment, then answers, "I saw it by chance."
Ah, by chance. Houtarou thinks, but then the words hit him. Hit him hard. Those are the exact same words he had uttered when he solved the Jun Sekitani case – 'How did you do it?' 'It was by chance, I was lucky.'
It's amazing, really, to think that something he had said to her during a moment of vulnerability was used back to comfort him.
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{ 난 다시 태어난 것만 같아 그대를 만나고부터
그대 나의 초라한 마음을 받아준 순간부터 랄라라릴라
After I met you, I feel like I've been born again,
Yes, from the moment you accepted my pitiful heart }
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Not long ago or, maybe, for the longest time, Oreki has thought on Chitanda's behalf. For her feelings. And he's not speaking in a romantic way when he refers to Chitanda's feelings. He's referring to Chitanda as a whole because she is an emotional person and he … he is, somewhat. Maybe? Probably?
He doesn't know, but he thinks (too much) … he thinks that he is finally found.
He cares, alright? He cares.
And now a part of him tells him that he should care about himself too. Accept the truth. Accept that he likes Chitanda, because he's been dancing around this topic for practically forever and it's getting out of hand – Satoshi is annoyingly persistent, Houtarou himself is frustrated and Ibara probably doesn't care.
But all of that doesn't matter because it's about Chitanda. Just her, and nobody else.
"Chi – Chitanda." Houtarou barely manages to say her name.
"Yes, Oreki-san?" She says, just as polite as ever. A patient smile decorates her face.
"I …" He feels his heart throb and his green eyes flutter. "I think …" Oreki yanks his eyes away while roses bloomed on his cheeks. He wanted to bite his tongue, then sighs. "I'm curious." He says carefully then catches a glimpse of a soft smile tugging on Chitanda's lips.
"About what, Oreki-san?"
"I – I'm curious, do you think that I could ever make you happy, Chitanda?" Oreki asks.
The corners of her lips grow upwards and her large eyes glows. "Hmm, I'm curious about that too!"
He can't help but smile at her child-like happiness. He encourages her desire to know more.
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{ 월요일도 화요일도 봄에도 겨울에도 해가 질 무렵에도, 비둘기를 안은 아이같이 행복해줘 나를 위해서
Monday and Tuesday, even in the spring, even in the winter, right when the sun is about to set, like a child holding a bird, be happy for me }
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end
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Notes 2: I'm still too much of a chicken to write a plot where anything BIG changes. Usually, I am relentless, commando rolling into the scene and throwing angst in everyone's faces while laughing like a 90's anime villain. But with Hyouka, I feel like it's too pure and I am intimidated by it.
Notes 3: Also, I'm never going to get to colour me curious. Maybe in another life, lmao.
I looked at my drafts and apparently, I do have more Hyouka fics. One of them is about an old-timey War of Roses AU but I'm lazy and there's a reason why I post mostly one-shots, because I want to get things over and done with. I don't want to think or mull over a fic anymore. Like, editing this fic took me days! I don't entirely understand it myself but – begone!
– 12 December 2018