The Super Secret Episode 14
Disclaimer: The author of this fic holds no association with the makers of Clone High, therefore he does not own the characters in this fanfic, but as this is a fanfic, I shouldn't have to explain this. I'm just going to give the recap now.
On the last very special part of our very special 2-part season finale of Clone High…
Gandhi scored with a deformed chick, Abe almost had sex with Cleo, Scudworth avoided extermination and Joan and John F Kennedy had sex… seriously, who saw that coming?
Even JFK himself didn't see it coming… that's how much of a shocker this is.
And now it's time for the super secret lost third part to this very special 2-part season finale… wait, how can there be a third part? You know what? Screw this. I quit!
(Second disclaimer: I do NOT own the lyrics to the theme song. The only reason I put it in here is because I kinda want this to work like the show)
Way, way back in the 1980's, secret government employees dug up famous guys and ladies and made amusing genetic copies. Now their clones are sexy teens. Now they're gonna make it if they tried. Loving, learning, sharing, judging; time to laugh, and shiver and cry! Time to watch Clone High! Energetic and engaging; Clone High! Our angst is entertaining. Clone High! Our lives are never boring. Who am I? There's a place that you can go to and it's never very far. Famous people you can live through; If you don't know who you are. Why, there is so much to live up to. Expectations are so high. I'm not crying, it's my contacts. There must be something in my eye. You all must watch Clone High! Inspired and organic; Clone High! Possibly dramatic; Clone High! More fun than watching static; Where am I? Clone High!
It had been a whole day since that fateful night, prom night when everything had gone wrong. Principal Scudworth had stolen the Prom King crown and deemed himself prom king. When the league of shadowy figures arrived to kill him, he'd forced them into a conga line and led them into a large freezer where everyone saw Joan of Arc and John F Kennedy in a bed together.
Just as Abe was about to admit his love, Scudworth had his old rival flip the switch (Sorry, I forgot his name) and have everyone frozen. Everyone thought that the series had ended… but then why would this super secret episode exist? Because a Clone High fan boy with too much free time on his hands decided to make one.
Scudworth was in his office as he sighed, his loyal assistant, Mr. Butlertron, there to help him with his daily activities.
"You know, Mr. B," Scudworth stated, "I've been thinking and this Cloney Island idea is just ludicrous."
"What are you saying, Wesley?" the robot asked as Scudworth hung his head in shame and replied, "I've decided to give up my plans for world domination…"
"What will you do then?" Mr. B remarked as Scudworth smiled and said, "We're going to open up an ice cream parlor! It's always been a life-long dream of mine! Well, not really, but I've decided that it is!"
Mr. B simply waved his robotic arms around, faking enthusiasm while Scudworth clapped his hands with glee.
But what of the other clones? They were still frozen. After a few more weeks trapped in that ice, they could surely die.
Well, at this very moment, a police officer had entered this very building for reasons unknown and kicked the door open.
Upon seeing the frozen bodies, he simply stared wide-eyed under his shades and said, "By god…"
Looking around at all these kids who had been frozen on the best night of their lives, even the fact that Joan was in bed with JFK… there was only one thing the officer could think.
"They held a party and didn't invite me!" the cop exclaimed, flipping the on/off switch to unfreeze them, "Once they're unfrozen, I'll have to arrest a couple of them for partying hard behind my back."
As the ice melt and the people were finally unfrozen, they all looked around, rubbing the back of their necks simultaneously asking things like "Why are we still here?" and "What the hell happened last night?"
"That Scudworth is going to pay for pulling the drop on us," the chief of the league of shadowy figures stated, "Come, shadowy figures. We still have a job to do."
As they left, the teens all shrugged and left as well along with Abe's parents, who were the only parents at the party, and the staff members who had arrived to supervise the prom. None of them seemed to remember that Scudworth was the one who froze them… except for the league of shadowy people, but their reasons for wanting revenge on Scudworth were most likely different.
"Hey, get back here!" the cop snapped, then hanging his head in shame, he sighed, "It never gets easy, does it?"
Things got pretty normal from here as the clones returned to their respective homes. Every memory from last night was still there… just not the moment where Scudworth froze everyone.
Later that day, Abe was just sitting in his room with a sigh. He remembered the brutal parts of prom night. He remembered how he realized that Cleopatra wasn't right for him and how he loved Joan only to see her with John F Kennedy. He was starting to wish he had stayed frozen.
He decided to clear his head with a simple stroll. As the boy walked through the streets, hands in his pockets and mind in the clouds, he started to think of what he would do from here.
He decided to melt his woes away on a local swing set. As he simply swung there, the same pained look on his face, a kid pointed at him and asked, "Why are you on a children's swing, sir?"
"I don't know…" Abe replied, then went into a whisper and added, "I just don't know…"
He panicked and fell off the swing when he noticed a familiar face approaching him. It was the cute red head and Goth make-up of Joan.
"Ugh," he grunted, positioning himself up, "hi, Joan."
Joan blinked and shrugged saying, "That was some prom night, wasn't it?"
"It sure was," Abe replied, rubbing the back of his head as silence once again filled the area.
After a few more seconds of awkward silence, Joan finally mustered up the courage to ask, "What was it you were trying to tell me last night?"
"What do you mean?" Abe replied, pretending not to know as Joan stated, "You were trying to tell me something before something caused our blood circulation to cut off."
Abe kept silent for a second, shifting his eyes all over the place as if this was the most awkward moment of his life. Then after a while, he simply caved in.
"OH, JOAN!!!" he shouted, "I LOVE YOU, OKAY!? THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU!!!"
He let down tears as Joan's eyes simply widened. She smiled for a second while Abe was still balling, head pointed towards the ground.
Her face became more natural when Abe looked up and said, "Before Cleo and I could have hot, wild sex last night, I started seeing your face on her junk telling me that I loved you. It took me a while to realize it, but now I do."
Joan was thrilled to hear this… that is until she remembered another thing that had happened that night. She remembered how JFK showed compassion for her and said how he liked her when she wasn't trying to be a girly whore. Who would she pick? A guy who liked her from the get-go or someone who needed gaudy make-up to classify her as approachable?
"I'm sorry," Joan replied, then her calm state turned to frustration as she snapped, "You should have told me this sooner, Abe! JFK may seem like a horrible person, but he sacrificed his other dates for me! That's the only nice thing ANYONE has done for me… ever!"
Abe blinked as Joan slapped his forehead then ran away shouting, "Never mind! I knew you wouldn't understand!"
Abe just stood there, a clueless expression on his face. He shifted his eyes around and started rubbing his chin, trying to figure out what Joan meant. Suddenly, it hit him and his eyes widened as his jaw dropped for a light gasp.
Joan didn't love Abe anymore. Sure, she'd loved him up until her and JFK did it, but now she didn't want anything to do with the old dead US president's clone.
Abe sighed and hung his head low. Maybe he could start over with Cleo.
Meanwhile, Gandhi was spending quality time with his new girlfriend, Marie Currie, who as the summary stated was hideously deformed. But nevertheless, Gandhi was never the kind to judge a girl off of her looks. He was a more sensitive and in-world kind of guy… if not a hyperactive party animal.
He and Marie did everything together. They went the amusement park, watched a movie and even ate a crappy low-budget fast food restaurant. But during all of this, Gandhi realized something.
"Marie," he said as Marie just blinked and asked, "What is it, Gandhi?"
"My best friend needs psychological help," the boy stated, "I can just feel that there's something bothering him right now. It's like we have a friendship bond or some clichéd crap like that."
"It's okay, Gandhi," Marie said, patting him on the shoulder, "You go cheer up your friend, okay?"
Meanwhile, Scudworth was having a blast with his new ice cream parlor. He skipped merrily around the place saying, "This is so much fun! I'm making children happy and all I had to do was have the original owner arrested for, quote-unquote, 'Stealing drugs from babies'."
Mr. B sighed and rolled his eyes. He was tired of this job already, but he was programmed to go along with whatever Scudworth wanted, and if Scudworth enjoyed this, he may as well enjoy it too.
Suddenly, the doors opened up as the league of shadowy figures entered the parlor. The chief's eyes widened as he spat, "Scudworth! I simply came in here because I couldn't eliminate you on an empty stomach. What are you doing running my favorite ice cream parlor?"
"This is my new calling," Scudworth replied with a look of innocence, "I realized that using the clones for my own evil purposes was just… too boring… wait, why are you unfrozen?"
The chief smiled and said, "Well, Scudworth, seeing as you're no longer plotting behind our backs, we have no reason to kill you. So, can I have a butterscotch ripple?"
Abe sighed as he approached the house of his two favorite girls. Well, they used to be his two favorite girls, but now, he just didn't know.
Cleo noticed him approaching the house from her window and said to herself, "Abe is coming back to me. He totally doesn't deserve me after he dumped me last night, but he is the only boyfriend I've had who lasted almost a month. Although his way of showing affection is kinda cheesy, it's a sweet kind of cheesy."
So Cleo hid her face from the window to make sure Abe didn't know she was watching and waited for the man of her dreams to ring her doorbell. As Abe walked up to the door, he slowly reached his hand out to push the button for the bell. This wasn't just a slow-motion clip. He really was taking this long to ring the doorbell.
"AAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBEEEE!!!" shouted a familiar skinny kid as he ran over to the taller boy and smacked his hand away from the doorbell.
"Ow!" Abe shouted, rubbing his hand, "That hurt, Gandhi! What was that all about, anyway?"
"Dude, I'm stopping you from ruining your life!" Gandhi replied, "Cleo is only using you! She's not the girl you think she is!"
Abe started shifting his eyes around trying to comprehend what Gandhi had said, then his eyes widened after about 10 seconds as he hung his head and said, "You're right. But without Cleo, I have nothing!"
"Nah," Gandhi replied, waving his arms in front of his face, "you still have Joan of Arc, remember?"
Abe shook his head and replied, "Earlier today, Joan told me in a rather indirect and symbolic way that she'd much rather be with JFK than me."
Gandhi's eyes widened as he bit his lip. Then he rubbed the back of his neck and looked the other way. This was awkward.
Abe simply sighed and left the area. He knew what he had to do.
Cleo was still waiting in her room and looked at her watch with a frown. It shouldn't have taken this long. Just to be sure, she looked out the window and noticed Abe leaving and let down tears.
At that moment, Joan's foster father, Toots, barged into the room and asked, "Hey, Joan, wanna help your old man make some soup?"
"I'm Cleo!" Cleo remarked as Toots laughed and picked up a baseball saying, "That's nonsense. I know my little Joan anywhere… though you feel a bit softer than usual."
Cleo sighed as Toots put on a worried look and said, "Now, I may be blind, but I can tell that something's wrong with you, Joan."
"For the last time, I'm not Joan, I'm Cleo!" the Egyptian girl remarked as Toots exclaimed, "Oh, Cleo, when did you get in here?" now looking at the wall.
Meanwhile, JFK was back in his house looking rather down in the dumps. His father walked over to him and asked, "What's wrong, son?"
"I don't know," JFK said with a sigh, "Last night, I, er, had sex with a girl who clearly likes, er, uh, Abe."
The feminine man sat next to him and said, "Well, son, you have to do what your heart tells you to do. What do you really want?"
"WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE GAY LIKE US!?" shouted another man from downstairs as the feminine man snapped back, "It's not his fault!"
JFK sighed and decided he needed to clear his head, so he walked towards the door planning to take a stroll to clear his mind. But as soon as he opened the door, he flinched when he saw a familiar face.
"Uh, what is it that you, er, want Joan?" he asked as the girl looked into his eyes and said, "I was thinking about last night and I realized that you are the right man for me, not Abe."
JFK's depressed attitude changed to that of happiness the second he heard this. Now things were going his way.
Scudworth skipped merrily around the parlor with glee as he handed a kid an ice cream cone. Mr. B rolled his eyes, wishing this would just end now. This was starting to scare him.
Scudworth then sighed and looked out the window saying, "Mr. B, I don't much care for this job."
"What do you mean, Wesley?" the robot replied as Scudworth stated, "I miss being an evil principal of a high school. At least there, I was able to talk to good people instead of little kids who consume processed frozen dairy products to make up for their sad futures."
He then turned to his trusty robot butler and said, "I miss Clone High."
Mr. B placed a robotic hand on Scudworth's shoulder and said, "You know, Scudworth, maybe you could be a school principal without the evil."
Scudworth's eyes widened as a smile crossed his face and he said, "You're absolutely right, Mr. B! I can actually try to help the students instead of trying to take over the world!"
Then he turned to Mr. B and asked, "Did you just call me Scudworth?"
"No, I did not," Mr. B replied, eyes shifting before he added, "Wesley."
Joan was sitting in JFK's bed as the boy slowly took off his shirt. The football stud grinned and asked, "So, are you, er, uh, ready to do it like there's no tomorrow?"
Joan simply looked down as the captain added, "And of course by do it, I mean HAVE SEX!!!"
Joan let out a sigh as JFK put on a more serious look saying, "That soft sigh can only mean that you are troubled. What is, er, bothering you, Joan of Arc?"
Joan simply looked up at John F Kennedy's face, but rather than seeing the football stud, she saw the face of Abe on his shoulders. She still had feelings for Abe and she couldn't fight it any longer.
"Nothing," she said with a sniff, "Just that I've made the biggest mistake of my life!"
Then she got up and sprinted out of JFK's room before leaving the house, tears running down her face. JFK just stared from his window and asked himself, "So, er, what was her, uh, problem I wonder?"
Cleo had to admit, that long conversation from Toot that she'd had off screen had really spoken to her. She now knew the truth.
"I never thought of it that way," she said, "So the reason Abe prefers that unattractive man-stealer over me is because I expect people to give me whatever I want."
"Now you're getting it," Toots said, still confusing Cleo for the wall as the Egyptian girl said, "I know what I must do. I must find a tool who will never question me no matter how unattractive or unpopular he is! Thanks, Joan's Foster Father!"
Cleo ran from the room as Toot continued to look at the wall, a frown on his face while he asked, "So, why are you still standing there? Seriously, that stare is creepy."
Scudworth was finally back in his office, and he couldn't have been happier. He skipped merrily around the office, hugging his desk and chair. Then he held tightly on his chair, caressing it and kissing it.
He smiled at it and said, "Hey, chair, do you want to do it later?"
Mr. B just stared at him as he sighed, "Fine, you can join us for a threesome, Mr. B!"
Mr. B then added, "School doesn't start again for two more months. What do you want to do until then?"
Scudworth came to a realization. Mr. B was right. What was he to do while waiting for school to return? Then it came to him.
"This place is more dingy and lame than I remember it being," he said, then he gasped as he turned to his robot butler and asked, "Are you programmed to think what I'm thinking?"
Then the two moved closer to each other and shouted, "RENOVATIONS!!!"
Joan continued to look for Abe all throughout Exclamation USA . She searched high and low until she spotted him by a cliff with his arms out.
"I no longer have anyone in my life and we all know that I'll never grow up to be nearly as successful as the original Abraham Lincoln!" Abe shouted, "GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!!"
"ABE, STOP!!!" Joan shouted, but it was too late. Abe had jumped off the cliff to his doom.
Joan heard a crunch as she peered of the edge to see that Abe had hit the ground, which was only a mere 3 feet below.
"Dammit!" Abe muttered, "That random old guy told me that was the highest cliff in town! I want my five bucks back!"
"Abe, are you okay?" Joan asked as Abe shifted his eye up towards her saying, "Oh, hey Joan."
He quickly got back to his feet and said, "I have no reason to continue. I don't have anyone or anything to really look forward to in life."
Joan bit her lip and tried to hold in all of her urges, but she couldn't fight it any longer as she placed her lips up against the man of her life's. Abe's eyes went wide briefly before closing as he wrapped his arms around her and held the kiss for a good half-a-minute.
After the kiss ended, he asked, "Why did you just do that, Joan?"
"Abe," Joan replied, "right before I had wicked sex with JFK like there was no tomorrow, I realized that he's not the man for me. I still want you, Abe."
"Wait, you were about to have wild sex with JFK?" Abe remarked as Joan placed a finger against his lips and said, "Don't ruin the moment."
JFK watched this from a distance, his head low as he sighed, "I guess there's, uh, just nothing in this world for the, er, uh, Kennedys."
But just as he was about to give up, a girl randomly walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. JFK smiled in response to this and wrapped an arm around the random girl's waste, the two immediately becoming a couple.
Scudworth had spent the last hour or so redecorating the office and it now looked very lovely, however, during cleaning he found the old schematics for Cloney Island . His evil plan hadn't been mentioned in the last little while, so he had almost forgotten about it.
"You know, Mr. B," Scudworth said, "This Cloney Island idea could still work."
"What do you mean, Wesley?" Mr. B remarked as Scudworth stated, "Maybe we can still fulfill my evil plan and use the clones!"
Mr. B rolled his eyes, but he decided to just accept it. If Scudworth wanted to be evil, he may as well be evil.
"I really hope our relationship doesn't ruin things between us," Abe stated while he and Joan sat under the sunset, "If this were a TV show, it would really piss off the audience to see us being a couple ruin the flow of the storyline."
"Don't worry about it," Joan replied, "If this were a TV show, the writers would be smart to end it after two main characters start dating."
And so all had turned out well. Scudworth was still evil, Abe and Joan were a couple, JFK was back to being a sex-crazed woman magnet and Cleo ended up with Genghis Kahn… okay, that does sound as messed up as I thought it would.
Gandhi… well, not much had changed for him. He was still his lovable partying self, only now he had a girlfriend.
And so ends this very special third part of this now out-of-the-blue 3-part season finale. I am so glad I'm quitting after this.