Chickepox.

God hates me.

Now you might think that's a little melodramatic, but I mean it. God really hates me. For normal people God demonstrates passing dislike with thunderstorms on days when you have picnics or bike rides planned, traffic when you're late to work, missing the bus, not noticing the huge broccoli sprout stuck in your two front teeth.

Me? I get my apartment firebombed, my cars blow up, I find dead bodies everywhere, I get kidnapped, I get stalked by crazies, I can't decide between batman and the cop with the best ass, I get food and trash thrown at me regularly, I get shot at, and I never seem to have enough money to make ends meet.

You see what I mean?

God really really hates me.

The only break I've ever gotten from God is that I never, ever, get sick.

But it looks like God is about to take that away too.

My name is Stephanie Plum and I work as a Bond Enforcement Agent, also known as a bounty hunter. No, I am nothing like Dog The Bounty Hunter and no I have never met anyone like him. My takedowns don't consist of the same staged calm takedown with the overdramatic shouting and cussing and I don't talk about God's finer points while I drive hem to the station, very rarely do I get an FTA's friends and family to come with me and help me stage an "intervention" for a "wayward soul".

Currently Lula and I were staring down at my stomach in horror. I'd been scratching at it almost all day and finally I'd decided to take a peek.

"Well… Maybe it aint what it looks like…" Lula said hesitantly.

I stared at the red bumps on my stomach, "It looks like a chickenpox to me."

"Hell yeah it does! You know, that guy we took down a few days ago did mention his kid was havin' a bout of the chickenpox… It'd be jus' like you to go and pick up the chickenpox like that…" Lula trailed off as a big fat tear slid down my cheek.

"Not that I'm sayin' it's chickenpox of course! Just cause somethin' looks like chickenpox don't mean it is… maybe you've just got a boil or two, maybe some overgrown pimples…"

I couldn't contain it anymore. I started sobbing. My life sucked. And God definitely hated me. My choices were boils, pimples, or the goddamn chickenpox.

Lula guided me to her car, "I know just what you be needin' right now."

Ten minutes later we were back at the office scarfing two dozen doughnuts on the chair while Connie looked on in confusion.

"What's going on? Another one of her cars blow up?"

"No we're thinkin' she might have the chickenpox." Lula told her.

I glared at her and said through a Boston Cream "Shu' uph I dun 'ave the 'icken'ox!"

Connie's eyes were wide and she made a shushing motion, "Don't say that too loud cause Vinnie's never had the-"

"CHICKENPOX?!"

The door to the office had slammed open and Vinnie burst out with his hand over his mouth and nose, eyes bugging out of his head.

"GET OUT! I WON'T HAVE YOU IN HERE CONTAMINATING ME! OUT!"

I narrowed my eyes at him, "I don't have the chickenpox."

"I don't believe you. Shit always happens to you. If Lula thinks you have chickenpox you have chickenpox."

I glared at Lula and she glared at Vinnie, "Shut yo face you nasty ass pervert! Don't you go putting me in the middle! I don't think this is no chickenpox! I think it's just hives! That's it! Stephanie here is having an allergic reaction!"

We all glared at each other for a minute, then I sighed. If it was chickenpox I really didn't want to be the reason Vinnie got it, he'd never let me live it down.

"I was going to go home anyways!" I growled, scratching at my back this time.

"Uh oh." Lula whispered. I turned to fully look at her and her face was frozen in horror.

"Steph I think you might wanna avoid any mirrors for the next few… weeks…" She said slowly, obviously trying not to panic me.

Nice try.

"My face??!?!?! What's wrong with my face?!"

I rushed over to Connie's desk, causing Vinnie to leap back into his room with one last shout that I better be gone when he opened his door next time, and yanked out the mirror in the drawer. I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror. I let loose a bloodcurdling scream.

"I LOOK LIKE FUCKING RUDOLPH!"

There was a giant red dot on the tip of my nose.

"I'M GOING HOME!" I shouted as I stormed out the door. And I wasn't leaving my apartment till it was gone.

I drove like a maniac all the way home with my hand clapped over my nose to keep passing drivers from running up the curb at the sight of my giant pulsating red tumor. Okay maybe I was exaggerating but how would you feel if it were your nose?! Exactly.

I was a block away from home when I realized I'd probably need some anti-itch cream. Shit. I flipped a U-turn and screeched into the parking lot at the closest gas station. I ran in, grabbed the lotion, tossed a ten at the cashier and ran out, covering my nose the entire time.

When I finally got home I ran into my bathroom and stripped my clothes off to see the extent of the spots.

Shit. They were everywhere! Suddenly I had a thought that nearly made me pass out in horror. Scars, what if they scarred?! I made a promise to myself then and there not to scratch the damn things at all from then on.

Minutes later I caught myself scratching at one on my chin and I growled in frustration.

I had to do something to relieve the itching so I turned on my bath to ice cold.

If I was frozen and numb I wouldn't itch right?

Twenty minutes later my teeth were chattering and my toes were purple so I climbed out and stumbled to my bed. I collapsed face down and minutes later I was asleep.

I awoke several hours later around 5:00. I lazily trudged into the kitchen, casually scratching at my back. Wait, there was a reason I wasn't supposed to scratch… It felt so good though… There had been a really good reason not to scratch… Suddenly it hit me, scars! I yelped and yanked my hand away from my back as I mentally berated myself.

I stared longingly at the anti itch cream but I knew I couldn't get it on without someone else's help.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the red light on my answering machine blinking and I pressed the button.

Beeeeeep

"Hey girl! It's Lula, I was just hopin' you were feelin' better! Vinnie's already freakin' out, scratching everywhere but he don't got no spots at all as far as we can see. He's Lysoled the entire couch we were sittin' on though and half the other things in that damn building. I had to leave on account of the fumes. Anyhoo, feel better girl! Call me if you need anything!"

I laughed a little at the thought of Vinnie going crazy with the Lysol and felt marginally better.

Beeeeeeeeeeep

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeeeeer, had a very shiny noooooose, and if you ever saw hiiiiiim, you could even say it glooooows."

I stared at the machine in disbelief as familiar laughter filled the silence after the singing ended.

"Cupcake, you almost took out two trash cans and an old man on your way past the station. Fortunately for me, your hand lost it's grip on your nose and I got the sight that made my entire day. Hey, maybe now that you look like Rudolph you can fly!"

The message ended in snickers and it took everything I had not to launch it across the room in fury.

"SCUM MORELLI, YOU'RE SCUM!"

After I shouted I felt slightly calmer but he better watch out the next time I drive the Buick. 50 extra points for breaking BOTH legs this time.

Beeeeeeeep

"Stephanie?! Stephanie are you there?! Okay, well, this is your mother. I just wanted to know if you really took out old Mr. Korzinsky in front of the station today. I really hope you didn't. Why does my daughter have to run people over!"

I pressed skip before she could get into her full fledged rant.

That was the end of my messages.

I managed to watch TV for about three hours before I gave up and started pacing in my kitchen.

After about an hour of pacing I had worked up an appetite and caught myself discreetly scratching myself against things as I passed them. I sat at the table and shoveled about half a gallon of Ben and Jerry's into my mouth, wiggling against the chair back the entire time. I was so absorbed in the itching and the eating that I didn't notice my locks tumble so I jumped about a mile into the air when a voice spoke from behind me.

"Babe… You're in a bad way."

I leapt out of my chair and spun around. In a bad way?! I was eating a gallon of ice cream and scratching my back on a chair like a bear would on a tree. No shit.

Then I remember the mutant pox on my nose and slapped my hand over it.

Ranger already had a grin spread across his face.

"Rudolph always was my favorite."

I narrowed my eyes at him, "Not funny. Morelli already left me a message with the song included."

"Ouch, wouldn't want to be caught thinking the same way as Morelli."

I checked him out. Still grinning. Wearing tight black cargo pants that left almost nothing to the imagination, tight black tee that looked painted on, black combat boots. Looked good enough to eat, as usual. My mouth was watering around the same way it did when someone said doughnut.

"Babe, you're looking at me like I'm a piece of birthday cake."

I grinned sheepishly, "So what's up Ranger, what are you doing here?"

"Heard you broke out in spots at the office, had a meltdown, and almost killed several senior citizens and a couple dogs on your way back here. Thought I'd come make sure you were doing alright."

My eyes welled up, that was the sweetest thing anyone had said to me the entire day. I sniffed my emotion back and bit my bottom lip.

"Babe?"

"I have chickenpox, I look like Rudolf, I can't stop scratching myself, and I can't reach all of me to get the damn cream on. I'm so far from being 'alright' I don't even know what alright is anymore. And you and Lula are the only ones who care about me."

I sniffled some more and tried to get my emotions under control. I blamed it on my hormones and my stressful day.

Ranger gave me an unreadable look for a moment then walked past me to the counter and grabbed the lotion. He strode over to me and gently lifted my shirt over my head and had my jeans unsnapped before I stepped back.

"Let me." I said, slightly breathlessly.

Now was not the time to have Ranger undressing me in my apartment. Not even just so he could rub anti itch cream on my sores like I suspected he was planning to do. I slipped my jeans off, laid them over the dining room chair, and looked at him.

He gave me an almost smile and guided me into my room.

"Lay down."

I balked, looking from him to the bed.

"Steph?" He questioned, clearly wondering what I was waiting for.

I shook my head and climbed into the bed. I don't think he'd take it well if I told him I was nervous about getting into bed with him because of all the other things that had happened when we innocently got into a bed together.

His hands slowly worked their way down my back, blissfully taming the itchiness as they went with the cool cream. Ranger was amazing at massaging.

"Mmm, add massages to your list of superhero qualities." I groaned about three quarters of the way through. I had been rolled over and his hand were now massaging my stomach, gently coating the skin under my bra and panties with the cream so not even one spot would be missed.

When he finally finished I was about as able to move as a puddle of goo. I moaned in contentment and felt him moving about on the other side of me. I managed with great effort to turn my head so I could peer through the darkness at him to see what he was doing.

He was pulling his pants off, his shirt was already pooled on the floor next to his boots and socks. Oh yum. I stared unblinkingly while he finished taking them off.

"Ranger?" I managed to mumble in curiosity. I really hoped he didn't plan any… activities to take place since I was about as energetic as a sloth.

"Just sleep babe."

And he climbed into the bed next to me, pulling me back so I was curled against him.

Well now, I thought as I drifted off to sleep, this really isn't a bad way to go to bed.

I woke up in the morning to find him already showered and dressed, cooking breakfast.

I stared at him.

"You're making pancakes."

He looked back at me and gave me a small smile.

"I love you." I mumbled happily.

I sat down at the table, not even bothering to worry about taking a shower. I had spots all over me, how much of a difference could good hair possibly make?

Five minutes later we were eating the best pancakes I've ever eaten. I was pretty sure I was moaning a little in between bites.

I felt a little sticky and realized I wasn't itchy, Ranger must have coated me with cream again while I was still asleep. Well that explained the amazing dream I'd had right before I woke up.

I looked across at Ranger and noticed he was fidgeting a little in his chair and absently scratching at his shoulder.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Ranger?"

He looked up at me blankly.

"You're wiggling."

His face took on a slightly pained expression.

"I've never had chickenpox."

Shit.

A/N::.. Okay, it's 5:40 in the morning and I have to get up at 11:00 to get ready to go see Harry Potter but I couldn't sleep because for some reason this story was just floating around in my head and wouldn't go away. So now it's written, I'd love some reviews so I don't feel like I completely wasted my valuable sleeping time lmao Let me know what you think :D