Christmas Eve by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. Sam makes a decision that affects Daniel's life.
Spoilers: All seasons.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.
Christmas Eve
He looked at her sleeping by his side and he closed his eyes. He willed himself to believe she was not there anymore. He wished she was already gone. After all she had never really been there; she had always been a guest, a visitor.
He turned over to avoid the temptation of looking at her silhouette again. She was so beautiful and he loved her so much… yet, it was all his fault. He had allowed it to happen that way and, now, it was too late to change it.
It had never been about sex. Well, not often. It had mostly been a matter of support, of companionship, of a way to deal with a reality too overwhelming and too secret.
At the beginning he had kept himself away from her, at a safe distance. He had felt attracted to her since the very first moment they had met and he still avoided thinking what would have happened if Sha're had not been taken that day. The guilt of feeling capable to betray his wife had protected him during the first months, but there had been hard times when the need to go to her had been almost overpowering.
He realized that what they had been through together were not events that happened to most people, not even one or two of them in a lifetime. He was able to rationally understand what had drawn them together, but he did not know why the relationship had not progressed further over the years.
He knew that for Sam, the defining moment had been when Nem had kidnapped him. She had had a long chat with Janet about her feelings and she had accepted that Daniel had become someone very close to her, but, though she never said it, not close enough.
For him, it had become more evident the day Cassie had entered their lives. He was not completely back on his feet after Nem's misadventure, when Hathor stormed into his −their− life and marked him so deeply that it still hurt to think about it. He was dwelling in his own pain when he saw the anguish in Sam's eyes as she came out of Cassie's room. Everything else became trivial and he could only think of how to alleviate her sorrow. He started by offering his support; "You don't have to do this alone." Three days later he drove her home, after the high intensity of the trip to the bottom of the nuclear facility and the contrasting non-eventful figurative passing of Cassie from her arms to Janet's.
That night, she started crying quietly while still in his car. He could not let her go alone into her house, so he imposed himself and followed her. She cried for a long time while he held her and then they spent the night together, simply holding each other, trying to save the other from falling into the abyss.
The sex had come a long time after that. He always thought that Jack had pushed them into it. First, they had spent uncountable hours trying to save him from his involuntary exile in Edora, only to find him comfortably established in a new life with Laira. Daniel was not sure about the "comfortably" part of the story, but Sam was adamant about it. Then, Jack had lied to them, he had betrayed them, he had hurt their feelings so deeply, that Daniel had taken a long time to get over the pain. It had only been in the name of duty, but Daniel and Sam had trusted him the first time and then had a hard time getting used to the truth.
That night, after all had been explained and all the apologies had been given, Daniel had followed Sam home. That had become their call for help; whenever in need of support, simply follow the other home at the end of the day. They had never failed each other.
It was not their first night together during those fateful weeks, but that night they both needed something else, more than comforting words and tender hugs. They had made love without asking each other permission or apologizing afterwards. It had been deliberate, consensual, and extremely gratifying.
It had not become a pattern or a routine. They both instinctively knew when the moment was right. There had been voluntary hiatus −like when Sam met Pete and thought she had found the right man for her life− or forced ones −Daniel trying to go to Atlantis or Sam working in Nevada− but they had always come back to each other. Now, Daniel knew this was a permanent separation. Sam had accepted the position to lead Atlantis and she would not be coming back for a long time.
He turned in bed again and switched on the bedside lamp. If he was going to lose her, he wanted to look at her all night, to record her image in his memory, every little movement while she rhythmically breathed in her sleep; every little detail of her body.
Why had their relationship resisted change? Why had it not evolved into something deeper? He certainly had much stronger feelings now, especially in the last years. It had been some sort of epiphany, after his first descent, when he had looked at the unknown woman talking to him and had known he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone else. Memory had not been a relief; he had simply realized that there were limits in their relationship and that he was not allowed to cross them if he wanted to keep her. "No, not in that way. We- we were really, really good friends," she had said.
Sam moved slightly and sighed. He wondered what she was dreaming of; he wished she missed him already.
She had asked for his opinion before accepting the new post and he had used all his strength to be fair and acknowledge that it was the right step forward for her career. She had not asked if he wanted her to go and he had not volunteered that opinion.
He looked at her again and he told himself once more that she was gone already, that her body still lying there was more a memory than a reality. He repeated in his mind that in spite of all the nights they had spent together, in spite of all the times they had held each other, he had never really had her; he had always been alone.
He tuned off the light and tried to sleep. No point in staying awake only to torture himself. He just needed to sleep and forget.
ººººº
He was just tired, too tired. The week had been awful and nothing could happen that would make it better. Then, General Landry had called him to his office and he had just gotten himself ready for more disappointment.
He walked toward the General's office trying to imagine why he had been called. Maybe Vala had done something he had not found about yet and once again he would have to fix it. No, no, no, he was being unfair. She had gotten much better in the last year.
He stopped trying to guess as he reached the commander's door. He knocked and he was asked to go in.
"Doctor Jackson! Thank you for coming," was the effusive welcome of Landry.
"Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
"Please, sit down. We need to ask you a favor," Landry started immediately. "You know what an outstanding job Colonel Carter has been doing in Atlantis all these months," he said.
"I know," Daniel agreed.
"But, she had reached an insurmountable obstacle and we need your help. Jack O'Neill and I have discussed this at length with her… Even General Hammond has offered his opinion… but we are certain that you are the only one capable of helping at this time. We know your job here is extremely valuable and we will have great difficulty in finding someone to take over at least part of your work load, for as long as you need to be in Atlantis, but we find no other way to deal with the problem and we have to ask you to consider going there."
Daniel was not used to Landry talking so much and saying so little. After all this, he still did not know what he was supposed to help with or why he was the only one qualified for it. "What do you need me to do?" he finally asked.
"Due to the classified status of the matter, I'm not in liberty to discuss it with you, but I'm confident that Colonel Carter will be able to explain it more clearly, if you decide to accept the mission."
"How long would it take?" Daniel asked.
"As long as you need."
Daniel thought for a few seconds. He did not really want to see Sam. It would just bring back all the pain he had been trying to deal with in the last months. However, if she needed him he could not say no. "Fine. When do I leave?"
"Tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? Tomorrow is the twenty third. That means I'll have to spend half of Christmas Eve at the Midway Space Station."
"I'm afraid you're right, Dr. Jackson, but we're talking about an urgent matter."
Daniel sighed and relented. "Okay."
"Great!" Landry said as he stood. "Your teammates are being briefed right now by Colonel Mitchell."
"You didn't know if I would accept-"
"I didn't expect any less from you, Daniel," Landry said in a more personal manner. He then shook his hand and before he even noticed, Daniel was on his way to his office.
Cameron, Teal'c and Vala were waiting for him there.
"Hey, congratulations!" Cameron said. "I know you've always wanted to be sent to Atlantis."
"I've already been there," Daniel said politely.
"But this will give you carte blanche to do whatever you want there."
"How do you know?"
"That was all I was told. They said you mostly could do what you wanted here and that you'd probably do the same there."
"Who said that?"
"O'Neill."
"Jack!" Daniel started to get upset. What did Jack have to do with it? "I need to talk to him."
"That will not be possible, DanielJackson. JackO'Neill will be out of reach for the next five days," Teal'c intervened.
Daniel looked at the small smile of his usually impassive teammate and wondered if he had also somehow been involved in the decision to send him to Atlantis.
"I'll miss you so much," Vala interrupted his thoughts as she hugged him tightly, "but they said it's a very important matter and you're the only expert they have on it. It must be something related to Ancient languages or some archeological find," she continued. "I'll just miss you. Come back soon, darling."
Daniel hugged her back to placate her effusiveness and then he looked at the others. "So, I'm leaving tomorrow, eh?"
"Yep," Cameron said.
ººººº
Daniel spent his day at the Midway Station trying to read and work on his laptop to avoid thinking about Sam. She had abandoned him; that was how he saw it. Abandonment had been his greatest childhood fear, after the death of his parents and the callous actions of his grandfather, who had abandoned him one more time to go meet his visions. Years in the foster care system had not helped. Those were still open wounds and time had not taken care of them. Instead, every little act that could be matched to them, immediately became another instance of abandonment. Daniel was intelligent enough −perhaps too intelligent− to see the pattern of his feelings, but he could not change them or the pain associated with them.
These last months had begun to heal the damage that Sam's departure had inflicted, because he truly wanted to see her succeed and he understood that being a woman in her profession made it harder. It was just that to see her again would bring all the heartache back anew.
After a few hours of work, he gave up and he lay on the bed he had been assigned. He remembered all the years he had spent with Sam and he felt the warmth of her hand holding his through the hard times. She had not faked her feelings for him; they had just not been enough. On the other hand, he still belonged to her and anything she wanted from him, she would get. He just had to prepare himself to do what she needed and leave her again. At least she was healthy and free; the pain could not be as much as what he had felt leaving Sha're behind so many years ago.
He tried to think of the other people in his life and he unconsciously brought up more painful memories. Janet's death jumped into his thoughts. Jack being tortured by Ba'al. Teal'c dying on the battlefield. Sarah under the power of Osiris. Sha're… He realized he was crying. It had been a long time since he had cried for anything. It used to be a lot easier. He tried to remember and he could only come up with the image of Vala dying in the Ori fire. He sobbed softly; that was something he did not want to bring back. He wiped his face and sat up. His head was full of painful memories about his teammates and friends. He had to make a conscious effort to think of the good times, of the victories, of the times they had defeated death. He knew he had fallen back into the depression that had hunted him since childhood and he promised himself to work harder on seeing the positive side of what was coming.
ººººº
When Daniel emerged on the Atlantis side of the gate the next evening, John Sheppard and Rodney McKay were waiting for him.
"Welcome, Dr. Jackson!" Sheppard said. "Glad to have you back on our side of the universe."
"Thank you." Daniel looked around and noticed the complete lack of other personnel around them.
"We're preparing the Christmas Eve party. Only the necessary guards are in place. We don't have many celebrations around here," Sheppard confided.
"We'll take you to your quarters," McKay said in a suggestive tone that Daniel did not understand. "Lots of luggage, eh?" he added looking at Daniel's pair of rolling suitcases.
"Oh… Only this one is mine," he explained as he rolled the small one.
Sheppard helped him with the extremely bulky one and looked at him with a smile.
"That one has supplies for Sam. I noticed she was missing some Earth things whenever we talked on the phone."
"She was missing, all right, she was really missing," McKay pointed in the same strange tone.
Daniel ignored the comment as he usually did on Earth.
They walked together through deserted hallways and finally stopped in front of a pair of door.
"Well, here you are," Sheppard told him. "We'll let you get ready for the shindig. Colonel Carter will take you there. Welcome again, Dr. Jackson."
"Daniel," he corrected.
"Daniel," Sheppard repeated as he shook his hand.
Daniel went into the room wondering why Sam had not been there to welcome him. She was probably too busy, he guessed.
He looked around. The quarters seemed spacious and comfortable. He left the bulky bag near a small table and he carried the other one towards what looked like the sleeping quarters.
"Hi, Daniel," Sam's voice greeted him from the dark.
A few seconds later a lamp was turned on and he saw her sitting in a small armchair in a corner of the room.
"Hi," he replied surprised. As she was not moving, he looked around. On top of the dresser he saw a picture of Jack, one of Teal'c and one of himself and Cassie. He realized those were Sam's quarters.
"We didn't have anymore empty quarters available in the main wing. We'd have had to open a new wing just for you and we didn't know how long you'd stay, so we put you here."
"And you?"
"I'm staying, unless you have any objections. Only John and Rodney know you're staying here and they know enough of our history to understand."
"They do?" Daniel was genuinely surprised. Their relationship had been a very well kept secret for almost ten years and suddenly someone else knew about it.
"Yep." She stood and moved close to hug him. "Welcome, Daniel, and thank you for coming to the rescue." She then stepped back to get a better look at him. "You look great," she added.
"You, too," he said still quite shocked.
"I'm going to use the bathroom to change for the party. It's about to start. Why don't you get ready here?"
"I didn't bring any party attire," Daniel said.
"I thought so. I got you a tuxedo. It's in the closet over there."
"A tuxedo?" As Sam walked towards the bathroom he wondered how she had managed to get formal wear in Atlantis.
"It was a gift," she said almost reading his mind. "To help with the morale."
A few minutes later she was back, looking radiant. His heart ached again.
"Come one, Daniel. Let me help you with that bow." She tied his tie and smiled. "You look very handsome, sir."
"You look fantastic, Sam."
"Thanks." She caught his hand and pulled him out of the room.
The party was not as fancy as the clothes they were all wearing, but it was all right for an outpost on the other side of the universe. There was good food, music and dancing, and everybody seemed happy.
Many people recognized Daniel and came to their table to welcome him back to Atlantis.
At the end of the night Sam gave a small speech to cheer up her people and to encourage them for the next year. Life was not easy in the city, but she wanted them to be in high spirits for the upcoming year.
After the party ended, Sam and Daniel walked slowly towards her quarters.
"I got you a small present," Sam said as she walked holding his arm.
"You didn't have to, Sam," Daniel replied politely.
"One of the scientists here makes them himself. I thought it was cute," she added.
"Okay. I suppose it's fair. I brought you a bag of presents," he smiled.
"You didn't!" she smiled, too.
"I even snuck in a frozen pizza," he laughed.
She got closer to him and they walked happily to their rooms.
Once inside, Sam sat on the bed and called Daniel. "Come here. Open this," she told him as she handed him a small box.
He sat in front of her and opened it. It contained a magnetic levitating globe. He had seen them before, but this one looked different.
"This is not Earth," he said.
"No. It's this planet. And that," she pointed at a small relief section on the globe, "it's Atlantis."
"Wow, it's beautiful," he said as he looked at the detailed image of the city.
"That's what I'm offering you, Daniel."
"What?" He did not understand what she meant.
"I'm offering you Atlantis. You are free to choose anything you want to do here. You've always had plans for Atlantis; now you have the chance."
"What is this, Sam?" he asked in a very serious tone as he put down the toy.
"It's probably abuse of power, abuse of authority, abuse of trust, abuse of anything that could be abused to get you here."
"They said you had a problem and that only I could help you."
"Actually, they had a problem. They still have it."
"What problem?"
"I resigned."
"You what?"
"I resigned."
"Why?"
"I'm over forty years old, Daniel. I've given everything I had to this career, to this job, to the Stargate, but I realized that I still don't have a life and that there's something I couldn't go on without. So I had to resign."
"But you're still here… What do you want me to do, Sam? You're not asking me to replace you, are you? Because there's no way-"
"If you wanted the post, you'd have it right now, Daniel. God knows you're better qualified than anyone else. I just- Actually, they are expecting more than that from you."
"What?"
Sam took a few seconds and then said, "You know that General Hammond proposed me for this command, right?"
"Yes."
"Well, when I decided to resign I talked to him first and I told him all the truth, every reason I had to do it, and he understood, but he thought I was going to extremes, that there were other possibilities, so he called Jack."
"Jack?" Suddenly it all started to fall into place.
"Yes, Jack. I had to tell him, too. It was hard, but he deserved it."
"Okay," Daniel tried.
"And he called Landry. He told him to order your butt here right then."
"That sounds like Jack."
"Yep… so that's why you're here."
He looked at her, still clueless. "I don't get it yet, Sam. I'll need more than that."
She sighed. "I thought the General was bad with feelings, but I think I'm worse." She smiled nervously. "I can't live without you, Daniel. I don't want to live without you. You're the only reason I'm still sane after all these years and if I have to resign to have you close to me, I'm doing it. The months after I came here were torture, simply because you were so far… It took a whole other galaxy to realize it, but better late than never, they say, so… I'm in your hands. If you want to stay here, I'll stay. If you want to go back home, I'm going, too. I think that all these years we've been paralyzed by the fear of losing each other, with all the constant reminders of our mortality, so, if you're kind enough to give me back what we used to have, I'll take it, but I want more… much more."
Daniel was speechless. He was having a hard time processing Sam's words. That was not what he was expecting. "Whatever you want, Sam, whatever you want, you have it," he finally said.
"What do you want, Daniel?"
"You. That's all I want." He looked down and saw the gift box with the small Christmas card hanging from it. He smiled and added, "You're all I want for Christmas, Sam, and for the rest of my life." He held her hand and squeezed it softly. "Marry me, Sam. We can still have a family; we can still try for a life together."
She reached for him and hugged him tightly, "Yes, yes, yes."
ººººº
The next morning they called Earth and announced their news and shortly after made a formal announcement for the Atlantis personnel. McKay seemed bothered by the news, but Sheppard smiled openly. He thought he was not good at languages or diplomacy, but he knew he could always read people, and those two had their love written all over their faces.
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