In My Secret Life

Author's notes:

All mistakes are mine.

Try reading this while listening to Leonard Cohen - In My Secret Life

The first sunlight revealed how big the battle really was. There were corpses lying all around. Many have fallen, but most lived because the battle was won. The battle of five armies was over and the future king and his hobbit were walking together, hand in hand, through the camp that was built close by. His hobbit. Bilbo Baggins was his and only his.

Thorin Oakenshield will never understand why the hobbit forgave him for what he did, but he knew that he will have to show him for the rest of his life how grateful he was for another chance. Thorin didn't remember exactly what was he thinking when he tried to kill Bilbo for giving the Arkenstone to Bard and Thranduil. The near death experience cleared his mind and now he knew that the Halfling did the right thing. He was more than happy to give a part of the treasure to the elves and men in exchange for Bilbo's love.

Thorin knew he loved the hobbit and he knew that the feelings were mutual. After what happened at Carrock and then at Beorn's, which we will not discuss right now, he knew that Bilbo Baggins had his heart and will have it forever. Nothing in the world will change that.

"Marry me," Thorin blurted out while they were walking together. With just a few bruises neither of them needed the healer's attention.

"What?" Bilbo wasn't sure if he heard right. He hoped he did.

"I. Want. You. To. Marry. Me." Repeated Thorin slowly.

"Is this for real?" asked Bilbo and smiled.

Thorin reached in his pocket and pulled out one of the most beautiful rings Bilbo has ever seen. "I want you to stay here with me forever. I want to marry you and make you my Consort." Bilbo couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sure he loved Thorin, but he never expected a marriage proposal so soon. "You seem hesitant," noted Thorin.

Bilbo's opened his mouth but no word left him. "I-I… I-I… Are you sure?"

Thorin laughed. "Why would I ask if I wasn't sure?"

"I don't know… You don't have to-"

"Now it's you who is avoiding this."

"I'm not," protested Bilbo. "I'm just a little surprised."

"I nearly died out there. And I would if you wouldn't come to help me I wouldn't be standing here, asking you to marry me. I know that I love you and I know that you love me too-"

"I accept," interrupted Bilbo and threw himself into his dwarf embrace. "I love you so much… I was just worried that you were doing this because you wanted to thank me, not because you love me."

"I will always love you."

"I will always love you, too," said Bilbo before kissing his dwarf.

:::

The next few days they spent close to each other. Always smiling, laughing, and whispering into each other ear, exchanging kisses and tender touches. It became obvious that there was something going on between them. Still, Bilbo kept the ring safely in his pocket because they decided to wait with the announcement. They wanted to tell the members of the company first before they would tell the others.

After a few days Bilbo was separated from his beloved for a few hours so that Thorin could finally do some work. He was very happy when he was returning back to the tent he and Thorin shared only to be interrupted by a conversation between Thorin and Balin.

"… I love him." Thorin spoke.

"I know you do, Thorin. But the time isn't right," explained Balin. "You are about to be crowned a King and that brings certain obligations with it. You need heirs-"

"I have Fíli and Kíli," interrupted Thorin.

Bilbo could imagine Balin shaking his head. "It's not enough. People will want to see stability in your kingdom and they will find it in you. How do you think they will take it when you announce that you plan to marry a hobbit?"

"It's none of their business who I marry. I love him and I need him by my side to be happy."

"This is not just about you Thorin. There is a bigger picture you need to look at. I don't doubt your love for him I just don't think doing this would be the right thing."

"I'm not changing my mind," said Thorin firmly.

Balin just shook his head and turned to leave. When he opened the tent he was greeted by hobbit whose face lost its color. He just patted him on the shoulder before he left him in.

Bilbo entered quietly, he didn't want to speak because no matter how much his heart objected to the words, his head already had a plan.

Thorin turned around to meet Bilbo's eyes. "You heard everything," he said quietly. Bilbo didn't answer so Thorin took a step closer and took hold of his hands. "I meant every word. I'm not changing my mind. I love you and I will always love you. My happiness lies with you."

"Thorin…" said Bilbo just above a whisper.

"No." Said Thorin. "I have two heirs, I don't need more. Everything else will have to work out."

"Thorin…" said Bilbo once again and then stared into those loving eyes for a minute before speaking again. "Balin is right. You are about to become King. People will look up to you every day. You will be rebuilding a kingdom, rebuilding people's homes, you need stability for that not a mutiny."

"Please don't do this," whispered Thorin.

"I have to, love. I want what's best for you-"

"You are the best thing for me," interrupted Thorin. "You are the only reason I want to do this."

"Then do this for me," said Bilbo and gave Thorin back the ring. "I'm asking you to do this. To rebuild your kingdom and rebuild a home for your people. You need to do what's best for them, for me. That's all I'm asking." Bilbo had trouble holding back his tears.

"You don't have to leave, you can stay here," offered Thorin in his last attempt to keep the hobbit by his side.

"You and I both know what Balin was trying to say. You will need to find a wife. I would rather be miles away from you and held my memories of our love, than having you close and see you love someone else."

"I will never love anyone who isn't you," argued Thorin.

"In the eyes of others you will. I'm so sorry, but the time isn't right." Thorin now had tears streaming down his cheeks and he still refused to accept the ring. "This is yours," insisted Bilbo. "Give it to your future wife."

"No," said Thorin and pushed the ring back into Bilbo's hand. "I gave this to you, so this will always belong to you. As my heart will."

Bilbo put the ring back into his pocket before Thorin pulled him into their last passionate kiss.

:::

Bilbo left three days later with the elves who promised him an escort to Rivendell. Bilbo and Thorin had their goodbye with that breathtaking kiss so when the hobbit was saying his goodbyes he ignored the future king. A part of Thorin was happy that he did so, because he wasn't sure if he would ever let him go. A One last look behind and Thorin disappeared from his view, what Bilbo thought would be forever.

He returned back to the Shire, back to Bag End, and once he got his things back he settled into a normal life. A normal life without love, without his King. But Thorin was never his and he never will be. That was the truth Bilbo Baggins had to learn to live with.

The years went by and Bilbo got through them day by day. It wasn't always easy. He was considered odd so most of the hobbits did their best to avoid him. He still had his family and was always invited to all the weddings and parties his relatives had, but most of the time he felt alone. His heart stayed miles away and the void in his chest couldn't be filled. He watched his cousins get married, have children, be happy together… They had all these things he most wished for. As a bachelor he never imagined getting married, but after Thorin's proposal he couldn't think of nothing else. But his life turned out to be the exact opposite of his dreams. He woke up alone, he spent the day alone and at night he slept alone in a cold bed. There was no one, except one, that would fill his heart with happiness, and that person was on the other side of Middle-Earth. The years slowly faded one into another and Bilbo slowly lost track of time. The memories were still alive in his head but his skin already forgot how good it felt to have Thorin close to him.

When it looked like that even the memories began to fade away three hard knocks on the door brought everything back, almost a decade later. Bilbo was about to have supper when he heard them. His heart skipped a beat and before he knew it he was opening the door of his smial.

The tall dark figure meant only one thing. "Thorin…" cried Bilbo and threw himself into his embrace.

Thorin, who was a little worried that Bilbo will reject him, embraced the hobbit and together the stumbled into the smial. Bilbo managed to lock the door before Thorin attacked him with desperate kisses. They didn't talk much that night and Bilbo didn't complain about missing supper. Somehow they managed to get to the master bedroom without breaking anything, where they shared their first night together after ten long years. Their lovemaking was filled with desperation and lust, but most importantly, love. After ten years Bilbo knew how much Thorin loved him. How much Thorin still loved him.

After the first night they spent together they talked, but they avoided anything about their personal life. Nights remained reserved for their lovemaking where they showed each other how much they missed one another.

Thorin stayed with him for five days before he had to leave. He promised Bilbo that he would return and Bilbo held him to that promised before he once again kissed him goodbye like he did ten years ago.

Once again days turned into years and another ten years later Thorin once again knocked on the green door. He looked like he hasn't aged a day, while the years weren't so nice to Bilbo. He was still the same hobbit he once was, he just looked older. Those five amazing days they spent together repeated and Bilbo never felt happier in his life. Now he knew why Thorin needed so much time to come back to him. The journey to the Shire and back took over a year and he couldn't leave Erebor the moment he returned, even if he wished to. Bilbo understood, he didn't have much of a choice but to accept what he got.

After their first round of lovemaking when Thorin returned they were in the master bedroom, lying on the bed, staring at each other's eyes in complete silence. Bilbo was slowly running his fingers through Thorin's hair trying to remember everything about the dwarf he loved so much. He didn't miss the marriage braid Thorin now had in his hair. Even though they never talked about it, Thorin once showed him the marriage braid he planned to put in his hair once they got married and Bilbo still remembered it. It was a little strange to see it in Thorin's hair now, but he didn't say anything, and neither did Thorin. Under all that hair Bilbo was still able to find the small braid he put in Thorin's hair, safely hidden from the prying eyes. Bilbo closed his eyes for a second and placed a kiss to Thorin's lips. A kiss that held a promise of forever.

Once again the time came for Thorin to leave and as before he promised to return. And returned he did. Every ten years Bilbo got him for those five short days. No matter how much it hurt to see Thorin leave every time Bilbo wouldn't change that for nothing in the world. He wondered about life that Thorin had in Erebor. About his wife and children, about their friend… But they never talked about it. Those five days were just for the two of them and nothing was more important than that.

Thorin came to visit him decade after decade. He didn't age much, but his hobbit did. He stared into those, now blurry, eyes he loved so much when it was once again time to leave. "I'll come back, I promise." Bilbo's eyes filled with tears he couldn't hold for long. "Please don't cry, my love. You are the soul of my life and all my love."

"I can't stop," said Bilbo between sobs. "I have that feeling this is our goodbye."

Thorin wiped the tears away. "You always say that when I'm about to leave and I always come back. I promise you, this time won't be much different." Bilbo nodded and placed one last kiss on Thorin's lips before he watched the dwarf he loved so much leave again.

Another decade passed when Thorin once again knocked on the green door. He expected an old hobbit to open the door, but instead young lad opened it. "I'm sorry," said Thorin, "I think this is the wrong house."

The boy stared at him for a moment. "No I think you are at the right house, just the time isn't right."

Author's notes:

I need a hug right now… Please… Anyone…