Standard Disclaimer: Agent X, Sandi and the Taskmaster belong to Marvel Comics. The Peanuts characters were created by Charles Shultz. They are being used without permission. No money is being made from this and no infringement is intended. Rated PG-13 for language and violence.
It's the Great Pumpkin, Agent X!
By Gigi Galaxie
Anything you want. No questions asked. Just read the card and tell me who you want killed.
Alex Hayden, known as the assassin Agent X, sat on the window ledge, munching on a Little Debbie snack cake. Crumbs tumbled down his shirt as he watched the street below. An assault rifle lay on his left along with assorted clips. He dug into the little plastic bag and took out the last cake. His eyes never left the lonely street corner.
She was a prostitute wearing a lime green skirt and a black shirt that was too small, reading "BITCH". Her face was heavily made-up but did nothing to disguise the fact that she was fifty-pushing-ancient. But her body was not too bad, Alex observed. A little saggy in places but still squeezable. Of course the raging bloodshot eyes that revealed her demonic nature were a huge turnoff. The lady was hot and not in a good way.
He picked up the assault rifle and set it gently against his shoulder. Peeking through the scope, he lined the target within the crosshairs. The prostitute gave no knowledge being watched. She just drew another drag of her cigarette and paced in her clunky black boots. Alex curled his finger around the trigger and fired one quick shot.
The prostitute fell to the ground. She gave no cry or shriek. Just fell. Dead.
Alex quickly ejected the clip and replaced it with another one. This one containing "special bullets". He chambered the first round and then waited. As per earlier instructions, he waited. Something would happen and then he would have to fire again. He watched. And waited. And watched. The seconds ticked by.
Damn it, he had to piss.
But he held his position. The price was unbelievably high for the death of this old demon hooker. Strange but he had dealt with worse.
Finally, he saw the body twitch. "Here we go," he whispered under his breath. He had been told this would happen. It twitched again. He curled his finger around trigger and paused. Wait for the sign, he thought.
Then it happened. The body split open with a wet ripping. Blood poured like black oil onto the sidewalk. A dark, slithering creature stood up from the shell of the woman's corpse. It looked around with eyes that burned bright with hellfire. Demon Bitch.
The rifle recoiled in rapid succession as Alex riddled its body with bullets. The demon screeched loudly in both rage and pain. It staggered to the side and tried to flee. Alex fired again. This time the demon fell to the ground. Silver liquid shimmered from the wounds and spread across its body like vile mercury. Flames shot out from its mouth as it tried to scream again. Now the whole body was completely covered in the silver shimmer. The demon writhed in torturous pain. Soon the writhing turned to violent shaking and the body exploded into small parts. The pieces spread in a gory mess on the pavement, on the streetlamp, on the beaten trash bin.
Then each little piece and droplet burst into sudden fire and burned the evidence away.
Alex watched all this with curious interest. "Whoa..." he breathed in Keanu-like awe. It was his first demon killing.
---
Another night's work done. Another contract paid. Alex walked quietly through the apartment and headed straight for the refrigerator. Sandi should have some beer on hand, he thought. Sticking his head in the refreshing coolness, he rummaged around for the coveted bottle. As his hand closed around the prize, he heard the distinct sound of a pistol cocking. "Hello, Tony."
"Alex. Get the hell out of there. Those are mine, asshole."
"Now, Tony. Stop," Sandi placed her hand on Tony's and lower his aim. "My apartment. No shooting."
Tony grumbled more obscenities and stalked out of the kitchen. Alex noticed with a snicker that the villain known as the Taskmaster was dressed in nothing but bright purple boxers. God, Sandi must have given him those hideous shorts.
"Alex," Sandi said with a yawn. "What are you doing here so late? Why aren't you at your place?"
"Can't sleep! Too pumped up! I killed my first demon tonight."
"That's nice. Oh. Hey, that reminds me..." Sandi ran a hand through her hair as she struggled to remember. "I booked another job while you were out. But this guy was real weird. I left the stuff at your place. The guy wants to meet with you tomorrow night."
"Sweet. Business is booming now, baby." Alex took a swig of the beer and smiled contently.
---
He was not the most typical assassin. Sometimes he was not even an assassin. Mercenary would be close but when times were rough and money tight, Alex did all sorts of odd jobs. Retrieving a man's exotic and rare undergarment collection was not even among the most bizarre. But this...this was...
Down. Right. Wacky.
"You want me to kill a pumpkin?" Alex asked incredulously. He cocked an eyebrow at the evil looking midget in front of him.
"No!" the little man cried out in fury. His face was bright red with strain. "The Great Pumpkin. It's just a name. A title."
"So he's a boney guy with a skeleton head? Lives in the land of Halloween and wants to be Santa?"
"NO! Mr X, this man is real. This is no joking matter. I need him dead on October 31st. No mistakes. No failures. And I intend to pay handsomely."
"You better have a picture of this pumpkin so I can pick him out of the patch. Get it? Out of the..."
"Yes! Yes, here." The man held up a thin file. Alex took it, trying not to either snicker manically or break down in frustrated cries of the unfairly wronged. He opened the file and glanced at the picture.
"This is him?"
"Yes."
"Easy enough."
"Not quite," the little man dug into his trench coat and pulled out another picture. "You have to watch for this man here. He may try to thwart you."
"Thwart?" Did he just use 'thwart' in a sentence? Who actually says "thwart"?
"He is a dangerous man and will stop at nothing to save this Great Pumpkin. He is called the True Believer."
Alex raised his eyebrow again. Someone was certainly Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs. But if he paid good money, Alex would do whatever he wanted.
Well, within limits of course.
---
It was Small Town Suburbia. Everything was meticulously landscaped. Most of the buildings were new, showing of the town's recent boom of fortune. The parks he passed were cheery down to their brightly colored port-o-potties. Kids played in the setting sun while their dogs frisked around them. It was the perfect place to settle down and raise mentally stable children.
Alex drove through the streets in a rusting black Jeep. The muffler growled and puffed black smoke in its wake. The Suburbia kids watched him as he passed, wide-eyed at the sight of such an evil-looking entity. The sight of anything other than a mini-van was quite unusual, it seemed.
He once more checked the scrawling directions and glanced around. The neighborhood now grew older. Houses, still neat and well-kept, were much smaller. Alex turned down the lane and came to a stop. Dead end. But this was where the directions led him. He frowned. This was no place for a proper assassination. He parked the Jeep and stepped out. The instructions indicated that the target would be there in two days. Halloween.
Alex studied the area around him "You have to be fuckin' kidding me!" he muttered. In front of him, a large pumpkin patch sprawled. A pumpkin patch.
A pumpkin patch!
Some important honcho was going to be here – a pumpkin patch in Small Town Suburbia on Halloween night? He whirled around. "All right! You got me! Where's the fuckin' candid camera?"
"Who?" A small child holding a basketball watched him cautiously. Alex walked up and stood towering over him. The kid's eyes bulged at the sight of Alex's numerous X scars. And his dark trench coat. And the pistols on his hip. "Wow."
"You know anything about that patch there? Any demons or monsters? A Pumpkin King maybe?"
"Huh?"
"Never mind."
---
The Halloween afternoon was brisk. Not even the feeble sunlight could warm the day. He could see his breath as he exhaled. The cool air invigorated him. He couldn't help but smile. A fine day to smash a Great Pumpkin. Alex almost found himself whistling an annoyingly cheerful tune. Almost. But something else preoccupied his mind. Something that had to be attended to and quickly.
Sally Sez.
Interesting name for what looked like a little trendy cafe place. Mmmm, he thought. Espresso. Nothing like a good caffeine buzz. But business had to be attended to.
Alex walked in to see the place dimly lit and decorated in gothic style for Halloween. Several patrons sat in the corner, dressed as vampires. Two hotties worked behind the counter and there was no one else. No signs of the True Believer. He had been told to check here for him and remove him any way necessary.
He went to the counter. A blonde with smoky-lined eyes and several facial piercings greeted him. Her nametag proclaimed her to be 'Sally'. "Hey, nice make-up job there," she said, admiring the X scars that crisscrossed on his scalp.
"Uh hi, I'll take a...a...hey...what's that?" his eyes narrowed at an old letter tacked on the Specials board.
Dear Great Pumpkin, it read.
The blonde looked over at it and smiled. "Oh that. That's just a kind of joke around here. A friend of mine wrote that when he was a kid. We all teased him about it." She gave a small laugh. "He said that this Great Pumpkin visits the most sincere pumpkin patch, flies around, and gives presents to all the children. I spent one Halloween with him to see if it was true. I remember being so mad at him because this Great Pumpkin never showed up and I wasted the entire night for nothing."
Alex's scarred eyebrows shot up. Interesting if not pathetic.
"Can I get you anything?" Sally asked, still smiling
Alex turned from her and glanced around the place again. Nothing to find here. Just maybe proof that his contractor was not the only one insane. He ordered his espresso and left.
Work to be done. A caffeine buzz to nurture.
A Pumpkin to smash.
---
Alex Hayden, known as the assassin Agent X, laid behind a crumbling brick wall, munching on another Little Debbie snack cake. Crumbs tumbled into the cold ground as he watched the pumpkin patch through his binoculars. The afternoon sun, weak to begin with, was dying a quick death. The old brick wall gave him perfect cover from the street, houses, and of course, the pumpkin patch. Already children in costumes were leaving their homes with their plastic buckets in hand, ready for Tricks or Treats. Alex cleared a small hole in the wall and rested his assault rifle in it. It was just big enough for the barrel and scope to peer through.
Now he just had to wait.
---
He did not wait long.
---
A silver car pulled up. A Volkswagen Jetta. It parked along the dead end street. Alex peered through his binoculars at the new arrival. It was not his target, but he recognized the figure just the same.
The True Believer.
A man in his late twenties. A sure gait to his step, he walked from the car to the pumpkin patch. Alex traced his every move. The True Believer had a pack with him that he now bent down and opened. Alex watched as the man drew out a...a blanket? A light blue blanket if he was not mistaken. The man put the old thing to his face and seemed to inhale its scent. Then he just stood there, holding onto the blanket.
Alex glanced around and saw nothing else. The official target still had yet to arrive. He waited some more.
---
Next up were three large white vans with the words "Calvary Children's Hospital" written on their sides. They pulled in behind the Jetta. The doors opened and Alex saw that they were packed with children in their Halloween costumes.
Oh. Wonderful. Alex grimaced from behind the brick wall. What the hell was this?
Parents and nurses unloaded the children. The ones on two working legs dashed out to the True Believer. The others in wheelchairs and leg braces followed slowly behind. There was a definite ripple of excitement coming from all of them. The children were shrieking with laughter and having fun.
No. No. This was not right. Alex fished out the folded file from his pocket. He opened the contract information.
Target: Leroy Pumphery.
Age: 66
Info: Creator of one of the largest children's charities in the world. Known by the nickname of the Great Pumpkin.
Right Hand Man: the True Believer
He skimmed the other information but none of it mentioned that he was going to gun down this Halloween Santa Claus in front of a bunch of crippled children. Damn. Damn. Damn. He glanced down at the large monetary figure promised once the contract was completed. It was a shitload amount.
Damn it.
---
On one hand, the man was old and the money to be paid was more than good.
On the other hand, there were the crippled children.
Maybe he should wait until the children left. Yeah, that would solve everything.
So Alex waited some more.
---
Finally a sleek black Mercedes pulled up. Out stepped Leroy Pumphrey. He was a round man with a ruddy complexion and a bald head. The children cried out in excitement and rushed to him. The True Believer watched from where he stood in the pumpkin patch, smiling.
And so the Great Pumpkin, having chosen this one to be the most sincere pumpkin patch, spread his arms before the children and gave a most warm and jolly laugh. The children's eyes were bright with joy as they saw the presents the Great Pumpkin had come to give. Their worries over cancer and disease were gone for one happy moment.
---
Alex wished he had another snack cake. He was hungry. Not to mention he needed to piss for the past half hour. He watched almost impatiently has the celebration continued with a funny ghost story and games. His arm was threatening to fall asleep on him. The ground was cold and wet. This sucked.
To his good fortune, the festivities died down. Parents and nurses packed the children away into the vans as the Great Pumpkin waved from the pumpkin patch. The True Believer stood beside him still clutching his trusty blanket.
Alex peered back into the scope of the assault rifle and lined up the target. Soon now. Very soon.
The vans backed out and left one by one. Alex watched as they disappeared down the street. Then he glanced around. The neighborhood was quiet and still. No sign of anyone out. The houses still had their porch lights on but no Trick-or-Treaters were in sight. Good deal. Alex turned his attention back the two remaining figures in the pumpkin patch. In the evening's stillness, he picked out their exchange.
"Is it as you had always thought, Linus?" the Great Pumpkin asked the True Believer.
The one he called Linus chuckled and nodded. "I remember waiting in this patch for you when I was a boy. But back then I had thought that you were a real pumpkin. Now I can finally say that the Great Pumpkin has come and I was there to see it. I wonder what Sally would have to say about that..."
The Great Pumpkin clasped the younger man's shoulder and smiled. "I also have a gift for you."
"No," Linus shook his head. "You don't have to do that. That's not necessary."
"Nevertheless," the old man reached into his coat and pulled out a plain manila envelope. "This is a just a little of what I have waiting for you back at the office. I am finally retiring and I want to give you full control of the Great Pumpkin Children's Charity. The papers are being finalized by the board as we speak. I know that my nephew has some dirty plan to gain full power and if these papers did not exist and something happened to me, he would gain succeed. Now that is no longer possible."
He handed the envelope to a speechless Linus. "Well? Do you accept?"
Linus remained silent, trying to saying something but failing. He then simply nodded his head. "I...I don't know what t-to say. I never expected anything like this."
"You are the only one I trust to run it for the children's sake. Others would run it to line their pockets, no doubt. I don't plan on living forever and I will now rest easy knowing it is in your hands."
The Great Pumpkin took hold of the True Believer and hugged him as a father would a son. As Leroy Pumphrey pulled back, he suddenly froze. And collapsed to the ground.
Alex lowered his assault rifle, having fired only once.
The job was done.
---
It was very late when he entered the apartment. His spirits were sullen from the job though he was not quite sure why. He sat down on the sofa. Sandi's cat hissed at him as it leapt away. Alex took the almost empty bowl of Halloween candy left on the table. Sandi sure did hand out the good stuff.
Alex popped a Reese Cup into his mouth but even its chocolate peanut buttery goodness did not cheer him up. So he tried a Snickers. And a Milky Way. And the Peanut M&Ms. Wrappers cluttered his lap and the sofa beside him. He still did not feel right.
Finally he heard Sandi stir from the bedroom and saw her come out. She was heading to the bathroom when she saw him. "Alex? What are you doing here?"
She came over and sat down beside him. The empty wrappers crinkled beneath him. "Are you okay?"
"Sure," he said dully.
They sat in silence for a few more moments. Sandi then reached over and grabbed a remaining Little Debbie from the candy bowl. She looked at it and held it out to Alex.
"Happy Halloween, Alex," she said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. He took the "Pumpkin Delight" snack from her and smirked.
"It really was the Great Pumpkin, Sandi."
"Huh?"
"Never mind."
-end-