"Spooooooock."

"… Good evening, Captain. I trust that the celebrations at Risa are going well?"

"Tell me again, why am I down here while you're up there?"

"Because Starfleet needed a representative for the renewal of diplomatic relations at Risa, and the Enterprise needed one of its commanding officers to stay on board to maintain and monitor operations."

"Couldn't we have just left Scotty in charge?"

"I am… quite apprehensive about giving Lieutenant Commander Scott absolute authority for such an extended period."

"What, you think he's gonna destroy the Enterprise?"

"On the contrary, Captain—I believe he'll develop warp factor nine if we allow him free reign at this point, and I would very much like to stay in this dimension for now."

"Well who knows, you might meet Admiral Kirk that way. Wait no, scratch that, you're better off not meeting him."

"Indeed, Captain? And why is that?"

"Because I really, really don't wanna have my own self as competition, that would be weeeeeeird."

"… Captain, how much did you have to drink?"

"Eh, I lost count after the eleventh goblet."

"Eleven, Captain?"

"Oh don't you use that tone on me, mother, Bones has his hyposprays ready in case I drink too much."

"I see. And where is Doctor McCoy now?"

"Given that I'm currently hiding from him, I've no idea. Those hyposprays hurt!"

"Jim."

"Yeaaaaaaah Spock?"

"What did you mean when you said Admiral Kirk might be your competition?"

"I already have a lot to live up to! Living in my Dad's shadow had been bad enough—the great hero of the USS Kelvin and all that—but then the older you had to tell stories of how his Kirk had been the greatest Starfleet Captain who had ever lived! I mean, how the hell do I compete with that?"

"That is hyperbole Jim, and you should note that my older self is undoubtedly biased in that observation."

"Ouch. I'm hurt Spock, you think I'm not a good Captain?"

"… That is not what I meant, Jim. And you did not answer my question."

"What was the question again?"

"What competition are you referring to?"

"Oh. You know. You're single, right?"

"I am not."

"What—you—are you dating someone?"

"I do not see how it is possible for me to 'date', as I have been married for two point five years."

"What? Why wasn't I informed?!"

"… I believe you were present for the entire ceremony, Jim."

"I was? Damn, I really must've had a lot to drink, why can't I remember? Oh well. Is she hot, at least?"

"… If by 'hot' you mean aesthetically pleasing, then yes. He is indeed beautiful."

"Wait, he? You have a husband?!"

"Yes. As you yourself are pansexual, I did not expect for you to have an issue with the gender of my mate."

"No, no, that's not—it's just—damn Spock. Your husband's so damn lucky to have you."

"Is that what you believe, Captain? I confess I often wonder if I deserve him, as I bring more trials and tribulations in his life when he instead deserves peace."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Spock? If he makes you feel like you're not enough, than maybe he's the one who doesn't deserve you."

"… Ah. My insecurities are my own responsibility to work on, and he is not obligated to relieve them."

"Yeah, well. He's not doing a very good job of being a husband if you're still questioning your worth."

"On the contrary. Knowing him has finally made me feel like I… belong."

"Yeah? Belong where?"

"In the universe."

"… What?"

"Since I had been a child, I had often wondered if it had been better had I not existed. It would have saved my parents a great deal of grief from the prejudice they both had to face due to my conception and my birth. As for myself, I did not find acceptance from my peers in either Vulcan or Earth. It is only in finally knowing him—my husband—that I have finally found my place in the universe."

"Yeah? And where's that?"

"By his side. As if I have always been there. And always shall be."

"… He's a really, really lucky man, Spock. Er, Vulcan. Is he Vulcan?"

"No, Jim. He is very much human."

"No way. Really? Isn't he, you know… too emotional?"

"He is most illogical, yes."

"Wow. Does he get on your nerves?"

"Always."

"Geez, Spock, he doesn't sound like much of a catch. Does he have any redeeming qualities?"

"He is the bravest and kindest man I know. Stubborn to a fault when he is fighting for what he believes in. He has a keen intellect that is often overlooked due to his charming personality, and he has remarkable instincts that often make him headstrong and impulsive. Yet he has never led anyone astray, and he always places the lives of other beings above himself. He is a true leader in his own right, and he has my admiration and respect as well as my loyalty."

"Wow. He sounds amazing, Spock. So is he like… a diplomat?"

"Of a sort, yes."

"Where is he now?"

"He is currently attending to his duties."

"You're not worried?

"About what, Jim?"

"That he'd… you know. Cheat?"

"He does, in fact, cheat all the time."

"What?!"

"He is not precisely a follower of rules if he believes they are abusive and unjust, especially to beings who are marginalised and oppressed."

"What, no, that's not—what I meant to say was, is he loyal to you too?

"Ah. You are speaking of infidelity."

"Yeah I just… wanna make sure he treats you right, you know? Do you get to be together at least? I hope he's only around ugly sexless creatures when he's away."

"We are often apart for extended periods due to our respective duties. And ninety two percent of the time he is the most attractive being in the room, so he is always surrounded by beings of every gender who are sexually attracted to him."

"Yikes. Also, that percentage can't be true if you're in the room."

"I… fail to follow the logic. Please clarify."

"I mean… Jesus, Spock, are you really gonna make me say it?"

"I assure you, Jim, I do not know what you are talking about."

"Fine. You're the hottest man… person… being that I know. Heck, the only way this husband of yours can be more attractive than you is if he's like… Adonis, or something."

"That is, in fact, quite an apt analogy."

"Oh god, what am I doing, what the fuck am I doing—"

"Jim? Is something the matter?"

"I'm flirting with a married man."

"… That is indeed what you seem to be doing, Jim. Also, you are very, very drunk."

"Oh god I hope your husband doesn't kill me—please tell me he's at least a weak and puny man so I can run for my life—"

"Perhaps it is noteworthy to mention that he is also one of the most adept fighters I have ever had the fortune to train with."

"Jesus I'm a dead man."

"I am also quite certain he is most forgiving."

"No, Spock, if he knew—if he fucking knew how I feel for you, how much I fucking want you and can't fucking live a day without you, he won't let me get anywhere near you if he really wants the best for you."

"Jim, I—"

"Jim! There you are, I've been looking all over for—what the hell, why are you crying?"

"Booooones, Bones, help me, it hurts—"

"What, are you injured? Why are you holding your—do you have heartburn or something? What the hell did you eat at the festival?"

"I'm heartbroken, Bones. Spock just broke my heart."

"What? You green-blooded hobgoblin—what did you say to him?"

"I assure you, Doctor, I have been nothing but forthcoming and truthful to him."

"Bones, Spock got himself married."

"Well… yeah. So?"

"So? Vulcans mate for life, Bones!"

"Yeah, so I've heard. Repeatedly."

"Which means I got no chance in hell with him at all now! I was too late, because I was too stupid to make a move and now I lost him Bones—Bones, help me, it hurts Bonesieeee, Boooooones—!"

"… Leonard, did you just—inject Jim with a tranquiliser?"

"Yeah well, don't get all grumpy on me, he was starting to make a scene, and the Risians are looking at us funny. Guess I gotta haul his ass back to his bedroom now, the heavy deadweight. You gotta tell him to lay off the desserts once in a while. And Spock?"

"Yes, Leonard?"

"When were you gonna tell Jim you got married to him?"