A/N: I want to thank carolinagirl919 for doing the beta for me, PiscesChikk for the idea & the peeps on the POI forum who encourage & gave me the title.
Of course, the characters do not belong to me.
As quiet as it's kept, Joss was still a little ticked off at John for the attitude he had given her when she called him for advice about what she should do with regard to Fusco's mess and Stills' dead body. No help. She felt both Finch and John had dropped the ball when it came to Szymanski's and Beecher's deaths. No help. She felt like John left her hanging. Although he told her that she was never alone, that's exactly what she was the last few months. At least, that's how she felt. She kept hearing his words echoing "you're not alone" as she dug that hole, as she pulled out Stills' decaying body and found a new hiding place for it. Although Bear was with her, she felt that she was very much alone. She felt very much alone those nights following, when she'd wake up in a cold sweat as Stills would haunt her in her sleep.
Joss felt that her relationship with John had not been the same after that damn bomb vest was strapped to his chest and he decided to pull away from her. She missed him. A lot. She was disappointed that her friend had backed away from her. And to add to Joss' disappointment, she had been framed for and demoted behind that shooting that was clearly self-defense. The perp's gun was removed by one of HR's cronies making it appear that she shot him for no reason. She was grateful that she wasn't locked up behind that. Even Fusco said everybody knew it was a crock and HR was behind her demotion. Back to beat cop. But, she was glad to still have a job in law enforcement and was determined to get her 20 years in; she told her ex-partner and John exactly that.
John recently told her that if she needed help, all she had to do was call. Joss thanked him, but felt it was safer for her not to rely on him or anyone else for that matter. Too many things had happened or not happened that led her to this place. Frustrated and disappointed. But, she was relying on someone for information. Carl Elias. And no, the irony was not wasted on her. He had been helpful in getting information for her to pass along to John regarding a number that he and Shaw were working on – John wondered how she came across the information but chose not to follow up, yet.
Joss decided that she would not show her anger toward John although his words were starting to piss her off. She hadn't stopped caring for John. She cared about him deeply, but she felt a little burned by him. She had to remind herself that emotions can be irrational so she wanted to be mindful of how she interacted with him. She wanted things to be the way they were before he was thrown in jail; before that damn bomb was strapped to his chest. Unfortunately, their relationship didn't feel that close anymore.
John noticed that Joss had seemed a bit distant with him. He knew that he'd let her down. He was focused on taking care of the numbers and had been very frustrated when the machine was on the blink. It wasn't until recently when the machine had freed and "rebooted" itself that the numbers began to come in as they should – well as far as John was concerned. He finally felt as though he could breathe again with Root being locked up in the mental facility and away from Finch, the machine working properly, and even Shaw lending a hand periodically. He had kept his head down, focusing on the mission, not realizing that he was overlooking what was happening with his friend Joss. He felt guilty that he hadn't been there for her after Beecher was killed. He felt sympathy for her when he'd learned that she had been demoted from Detective to beat cop. He could tell Joss was disappointed in him and he wanted to make it up to her.
John started following Joss as he used to before. Keeping his distance, wondering what she did when she got off work, he would follow her home.
John saw that Joss transferred to day shifts and had a new partner. He wanted to find out who he was when he could, but in the meantime, he would keep an eye on her. He would call in and check up on her periodically and she'd give him the same pat answer, "I'm fine, thanks for checking up on me."
On a day after Joss had gotten off work John once again followed her home. Shaw was keeping an eye on the latest number, while Finch was digging up as much information as he could – with Joss' help. Finch asked Joss to get any information on Carlo Shepherd that could help them figure out whether he was the perpetrator or potential victim. The man did not have a digital footprint and flew under the radar. Since Joss no longer had access to the NYPD database and Fusco was working on digging up HR information and training his new homicide "box of rocks" partner, she went to her outside source. Carl Elias.
Joss changed out of her uniform and dressed in all black. She didn't want to bring attention to herself as she went to the place where she had hidden Elias. John wondered where she was heading and continued to follow her from a safe distance. He was perplexed when he saw her enter the broken down building. He waited a few moments and then followed her inside. He was stopped by two of Elias' bodyguards. He made quick work of them and proceeded to walk into the main room. As he entered, a gun was placed against his temple. He turned to see Anthony "Scarface" Marconi staring at him. They heard the ruckus outside when John was taking down the guards. Scarface was not going to let anything happen to his boss Elias. Even Joss placed her hand on her revolver when she heard the noises coming from behind the door. Elias didn't miss that gesture and was glad to have Joss as an ally.
"Welcome my friend," Elias said to John with a smile.
Elias gestured to Scarface to lower his gun. He did so slowly. John had such a glare in his eyes as he looked at him. He slowly walked toward where Elias was sitting and where Joss was standing. Joss' eyebrows were furrowed.
"What the hell are you doing her John?"
"I could ask you the same question Carter," John growled.
Joss' jaw was set and her eyes were stern. "I'm taking care of business. Getting intel that your partner requested from me. Why were you following me?"
"It doesn't matter. The main thing is I need to get you out of here," John said between his teeth as he glared at Joss.
"John, is that any way to act among friends?" Elias interjected. He had a look of real concern on his face. Scarface, on the other hand, wanted to hit him with the butt of his 9 millimeter he was still holding.
"No offense, Elias. I just want to make sure that my close friend here is safe," John growled once more.
"Oh John, you wound me. I would never do anything to harm the Detective," Elias said.
The irony of his statement was not lost on Joss or John.
"If anything, I appreciate her loyalty and drive. I'd love for her to come work for me but so far she's turned me down," he said with admiration in his eyes and a smirk on his face as he then looked up at Joss.
Joss' hands were on her hips as she stood there with her mouth now open in disbelief at what she was hearing. "You gotta be friggin' kidding me," Joss huffed at John. "You can't be serious right now," Joss' voice was raised.
John wanted to defend his stance, but before he could Joss repeated what she said.
"You gotta be FRIGGIN' kiddin' me John!" Her voice rose even higher.
"Look, I'm gonna need you to turn around and walk outta here right now," she told John as she lowered her voice. Her hands were raised up to his chest.
"I'm not walking out of here without you Joss," John insisted.
"You need to go now," Joss said, exasperated.
"Only way is if you are with me."
Joss turned away and looked at Elias as he handed her the information she asked from him. She felt embarrassed as she took the slip of paper from his hand. She was infuriated at John and was going to let him have it once they walked out of there.
"Thanks for the information, Carl." She emphasized his first name to get under John's skin. "I appreciate your help."
"Of course, Detective. Any time. I'm not going anywhere. John I hope to see you once again under more pleasant circumstances," Elias said with a smile. He was being sincere.
"Carter, you should really consider working for the boss. You know you got his trust since you saved him. You got mine too," Scarface said as he eyed her from head to toe with a lascivious smile. He was egging John on and wanted him to put his hands on him.
John stepped toward Scarface but Joss was standing in between and them and pushed against him so he wouldn't touch Marconi.
"Come on big fella," Scarface said to John in a low, threatening tone.
Joss turned to Scarface and pushed against his chest. "Stop!"
"Let's go John," Joss spoke to John curtly as they turned and walked out of the building.
They were barely outside the building when John gave her one of his icy glares. She gave him a smug smirk and raised an eyebrow. They moved forward and inside the alley adjoining the building. She didn't want to bring more attention to Elias' hideout than necessary. Joss broke the silence between them.
"I did what I had to do, John," Joss answered coolly. She knew he was angry at her, but she had to move and do so quickly. John wasn't pleased with her answer and let her know.
"Joss that man put a hit on you and tried to have you killed! He had someone put a slug in your chest for God's sakes! Thank God you were wearing your vest like I told you! He kidnapped your son and threatened him. How the hell could you save him and risk yourself by holding him up in the basement of an abandoned building?"
Joss simply told him she wasn't going to let Carl Elias die even though he tried to kill her. "I'm a cop John!" Joss' voice was now raised. "And taking him back to prison is a veritable death sentence."
Even as she stated that, she felt like a hypocrite. She had been struggling with no longer being the straight laced Detective but accepting that she was dirty as well. It was a bitter pill to swallow and at times she had difficulty looking at herself in the mirror. The guilt she felt over the fact that she was too late to save Szymanski and Beecher felt like bile rising up inside her. But right now, all she could do was what she felt was right, which was to keep Elias safe. Maybe that will make up for some of the things she'd done – or hadn't done in the past few months.
John could not wrap his head around her last statement or her actions. He simply did not get Joss and…her heart.
John turned red and his lips were pursed in anger. He cared about Carter; more than he liked to admit. But at this moment, he wanted to shake the hell out of her. Joss stood in front of him with her hands on her hips defiantly. She wanted to make sure he knew she didn't give a damn about his anger.
Joss was livid. "You have the audacity to use the 'I'm trying to protect my close friend' card? After all this time of you stepping away from me, barely communicating, unless you needed some intel here and there? Are you being serious right now John?"
John's eyes began to water as he heard her finally open up to him. He was still red with anger and once she began talking, he held his breath trying to brace himself for the fallout.
"Where the hell were you and Finch and your source when Szymanski and Beecher got killed, huh?" Where were you then? Where were you when I was digging up Stills' rotting body? Huh Reese? Answer me that!" Joss spoke as if she was disgusted with him, Finch and…the entire situation. She had also become disgusted with herself.
John was taken aback when she used his last name. Still he didn't try to defend himself.
"You're not alone," she said sarcastically and with exasperation in her voice. "That's bullshit, John. Pure, unadulterated bullshit!"
Joss' eyes were boring into his, her eyebrows furrowed, her finger pointing to his chest. He didn't want to incur her wrath, but here he was and Joss was pouring down fire and brimstone. He had never seen her this angry before. He looked away from her for just a moment to get a brief reprieve. But, she commanded his attention. It was the least he could do.
"Look at me John! You look at me!" she yelled.
She took in a couple of deep breaths before she continued in an attempt to calm herself. Her eyes were watering but she refused to let a tear drop. She put her hand on her forehead as if that would stop the pounding headache coming on. She began pacing slowly. John decided to interject at that point.
"Joss, listen to me," he said almost pleadingly.
She stopped and faced him with eyebrows raised. She was tired and just wanted to go home, have a glass or two of wine, and be alone.
John stepped forward cautiously as he was speaking to her and continued. "I know I let you down. I messed up. But you have to know that I do care about you and want you to be safe. That's why I stepped back from you. I know I can't undo any of the things that's happened in the last few months, but don't shut me out."
"John, I hear you but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Honestly, you left me confused and I felt like you didn't give a damn anymore," she said with fatigue in her voice.
"That couldn't be any further from the truth Joss. Don't you trust me?" He was beginning to fear her answer.
Joss looked up into his steel blue eyes. Her hands were now on her hips. She didn't answer immediately.
"Joss, I need you to trust me. Don't do this." the pleading back in his voice. He was feeling vulnerable but thought he had to show her how he really felt about her friendship.
"John, it's going to have to take a little time, please understand that. I mean I do trust you in some ways but… you gotta know that I felt you disappeared on me and that didn't feel good and… I didn't feel as safe as before. I missed my friend. I missed you." Now Joss was being vulnerable.
She was still angry with him but it wasn't as intense as before. And even John calmed down a bit when he saw her opening up to him finally.
"Joss, I get it, but please don't close that door completely. And, I know you can take care of yourself but would you at least sit down with me and let's discuss this Elias thing calmly. I'm hungry, how about you? Let's go to Lyrics for an early dinner and just talk, please," he said with a small smile.
Joss was tired but she was also hungry. She wanted to settle the Elias situation with John too and get him to back off. She was not going to let anyone harm him and she had to make John understand that.
"Let's go to Lyrics, John," she said with a sigh.
John smirked as he put his hands in his coat pockets and they slowly strolled to their diner.