It's just sex.

She has to remind herself that every time she hears his footsteps followed by a gentle knock on the door. She has to remind herself that even though he has the greenest eyes she's ever seen and hands so soft she wants him to touch her all night, it's just sex. It's strange that she's the one reminding herself, seeing as how all of this was her idea in the first place.

She knew what she was signing up for. He'd told her from the very start that he had a girlfriend and he wasn't looking for that to change, he just needed something new. All she did was nod like a sixteen year old girl. In all honesty, she didn't even remember much of their first conversation anyway. She'd been to busy focusing on how perfectly fitted his white t-shirt was. Maybe that was the problem. There was always a problem when it came to him.

'No strings attached.' how could she have seriously believed herself when she said that? It wasn't supposed to last this long. One summer. 3 months. That's all it was ever supposed to be. That is until she awkwardly bumped into him on campus one day.

Before that, she'd only ever known him as the guy from the bar. The guy with the gorgeous green eyes and the perfect six pack. Seeing him that first time on campus she actually thought for just a second that maybe she might've actually felt something for him. She thought maybe that's why he was there, to tell her he couldn't forget the passion filled nights they'd shared in New York that summer, to tell her that he couldn't get her off his mind. She was just another college girl and he was just another disaster waiting to happen, but she let go talk her into let him talk her into his bed..again.

And so she was back at square one, convincing herself it was just sex. She ignored the spark she felt each and every night, she ignored the feeling of security that encaptured her whenever they would lie together in bed before he'd leave, she'd shut out all and any emotions to this magical creature because she didn't want to feel..not when it came to him.

Maybe she should've backed out then, saved them all the heartbreak but she wonders if that is even true. Would walking out then would've stopped it from happening? Would it've stopped her from falling in love? Or was she already in too deep? But it really doesn't matter in her mind, because she stayed. She stayed and fell in love and fell apart.

Things started off casual. Once or twice a week they'd seek each other out and spend all night touching each other. Eventually,though, the odd nights here and there morphed into weeks, and those into months and before she knew it she'd fallen so deep she couldn't even see land anymore.

They were all over each other. They could barely go one night without each other and if they did, the next night they'd be so desperate that they'd even skip the small talk. He'd become her addiction. She craved him night and day and being away from him physically pained her. What hurt even more was seeing him on campus with his girl.

She hated when he called her that. No one deserved to be called that other than herself. She wished she could hate her,*Elena*. She was the perfect girl. Brown hair,doe eyes, popular, she'd be a great wife someday...and in spite of the circumstances, those were all the reasons why couldn't hate her. Even though she felt like she couldn't breathe whenever she saw her, she couldn't hate her. If anything, she thought Elena deserved someone better. Not because he wasn't a great guy, because he was the perfect guy. But because she didn't deserve to be cheated on. Especially not by someone as naive and worthless as herself. Elena deserved better. She told him that. He told her not to about he kissed her, and she let him.

So maybe it's all her fault. In the end, she's the one who opened that door and let him in. She's the one who reached for his belt and started to unbuckle it. She's the one who let him have his way with her and then walk out. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Does she even have any pieces of her heart left for him to take?

She wonders that one night when he shows up outside her house,drunk. He's banging on the door and she's trying to get some sleep. Still, it's Stefan and she could never say no to him. So she puts on her silk robe and makes her way downstairs through the darkness. It's 3am and he's drunk as shit but he still looks better than any guy she's ever seen. He's ruined her completely for all men, they'll never live up to her expectations anymore.

His voice is weak,his eyes are bloodshot, and every bone in her body is telling her not to believe him when he says it. This isn't Stefan, he's wasted, he's drunk, he doesn't mean it...but it makes her heart skip a beat and her lips find his fast and soon enough they're doing the dance they know all too well. The question eats at her mind all night until the first rays of sun fall on his face. It's the first time he's ever stayed all night but she doesn't know if it's because he was too wasted to leave or because he actually wanted to stay. When he opens his eyes she asks him and he says it again. Over, and over, and over, and over.

'I love you.'

Soon enough it's all he says. Like a prayer he needs in order to survive. She's his Achilles heal, and he's hers. Elena's gone. He doesn't give her the details but she knows it didn't end well. She doesn't mind, because he's hers now. Completely. She holds his hand when they walk in the street and he whispers things into her ear that make her wonder if she even deserves a guy like him. He tells her she does. She's starting to believe him.

He's sitting on one knee, one morning when she wakes up. It's been a year since he told her. The ring is beautiful. It's a silver band with a small diamond. It's exactly what she wanted. He knows that. She asks if he's sure and he replies with a kiss. She tells him it's his last chance to run for the hills and he promises to stay. At night when he goes to sleep she plays with the ring on her finger and watches him sleep. It's not creepy. It's something she didn't get to do before, and she revels in it.

The wedding is beautiful. Her dress is stunning and her flowers are pink. She's got something borrowed, something blue, something old, and something new. He smiles at what a cliché it is. She tells him she doesn't care. He almost has a heart attack when she walks in, veil over her face and bridesmaids in tow. They're throwing flower petals in her wake. Daisies, because thats what he bought her on their first date. He says his vows and they're so perfect that she starts panicking about her own. What if they don't make him feel the way I'm feeling? She takes a deep breath, her eyes never leaving his and she whispers her promises.

I do

I do

They're the smallest of words and yet they've done what they needed to do. They've changed everything.

That all sounds perfect. Too bad it's not. Because it's just sex. And so she keeps telling herself. Convincing herself, that it's just platonic because the alternative is too frightening. So she's here, again. With bloodshot eyes and ruffled hair, knocking on the same door she knows better than the back of her hand. Ready to do the dance that they've mastered.. Ready to pretend. Because if they don't pretend, then what?