So, hey guys. Sorry I'm not working on Dreamscape or A Time to Love or anything. I'm having a bit of trouble getting back into the hang of writing and I really, really want to do a good job with the rewrites, which means that I have to actually sit down and think about plot stuff instead of just writing and posting and worrying about it later.
Anyway, I decided to do this little thing because I recently came out as aromantic and I'm still kinda working through that and what it means. And because there is not enough love for aromantics who aren't also asexual. I feel like we're one of the most ignored groups in the queer community :
Like even the Intersex people get more press than we do. Not that I begrudge them that :D They deserve all of the attention they can get on their issues. Like fr srs, their struggle is real, man.
But I probably shouldn't clog up my A/N with shoutouts to my fellow marginalized queer peeps. On with the story!
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"I love you."
And there it was, the thing he had been dreading. Don't get him wrong, Ivan was a great guy. He cared for him deeply, the sex was great. But…wow, he just wasn't prepared for the conversation he now needed to have with the big guy. And, boy, was this going to be a conversation.
"Amerika, why aren't you saying anything?" He asked, voice much smaller than America was used to hearing. It hurt, it really did, to see the fear and insecurity in the other's eyes.
"Ivan….we need to talk." He sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"Talk? Alfred…Alfred are you breaking up with me?" He asked, a small note of panic in his voice now.
"No, that's not it. I just…haven't been completely truthful with you?" He asked, biting his lip. Great, now he felt like the biggest asshole in the world. But he was scared, too, okay? He'd never gotten this far, emotionally, with anyone else and this was all new and scary and he didn't know how to deal with it.
"What do you mean?" Ivan asked, his voice becoming dark and heavy, intimidating to anyone with common sense. Which, admittedly, didn't include Alfred.
"I'm not cheating on you, if that's what you think. When I promised we'd be exclusive, I meant it." He gave him a small glare for the insinuation that he was a two-timing bastard, but it was weak.
"Then spit it out, as you are so fond of saying." He was terse now, and snippy. Great. This was really an amazing start to this conversation, wasn't it? Shit, this was…totally not how he'd intended this to go.
"Well…uhm…you see." He tried, his voice shaking as his heart started pounding in his chest. This was oh, so familiar. The big reveal, the nerve-wracking admission. God, he needed to get this over with so he could puke out his nervousness.
"Amerika! Just tell me." Ivan snarled, hand reaching towards his pipe without meaning to.
"Alright! Jesus, just…give me a minute. This isn't exactly easy for me either!" He snapped, hands balling into fists. He sighed and deflated. "Sorry…sorry, this hasn't been a killer start to what I had hoped would be a calm, frank, and rational discussion." He slumped down into a chair and groaned.
"I'm…I'm aromantic, okay? I don't do the love thing. It's not you, I care very deeply about you. I think you're incredibly sexy and I want to be special to you because you're special to me. And yes, I want to fuck you and if you want to call me your boyfriend I'm okay with that. But I don't love you. I can't love you, I can't love anyone. And I know you're probably thinking that it's fucked up and I'm just broken or cynical or a jerk, but this is just how I am, oka-"
Ivan cut him off with a hand to his mouth. "Amerika, shut up." He snorted. "You are always talking, never listening, always making assumptions." He chided. "So if I remove my hand, will you listen?" He asked. Alfred nodded and Ivan let go.
"I cannot lie and say I am not…disappointed. I love you and, as such, want you to love me. But if that is not possible for you, I cannot change that, just as my boss cannot change my sexual and romantic orientations. But we are happy together, da? Even if you do not love me and you feel uncomfortable when I kiss you. Even if you only allow me to call you my boyfriend to make me happy. Even if this is just friends with benefits situation for you. I can deal with all of that, I think, as long as you let me love you."
Alfred, who had been tearing up the entire time, actually started crying as Ivan finished. He had expected a total shit storm. For Ivan to accuse him of being heartless and to stomp out in a rage. But here the magnificent bastard was, accepting him for who he was and wanting to be with him regardless.
"You don't…you're not mad at me?" He asked, voice small and watery.
"No, Alik, I am not mad at you. I am sad that the particular feelings I have for you will never be returned. It hurts that you do not love me. But if you will let me love you, I think that maybe that can be enough. And to be special to you…maybe in the end that's all we really want from love? They say to be happy you should love your best friend. And I think this is like that, da? We are friends who are special to each other who have sex. It's not love, but most of the important parts are there." Ivan smiled, then, but it was a sad, distant smile. Alfred knew that, even if he said it was okay, that it could be enough, it would take him time to stop hurting.
"But…aren't you gonna miss all of the other stuff? Going on dates and holding hands and kissing and junk? I mean, I care about you, but I don't want to be all ooey gooey, and I'm not going to like…pledge to follow you into Hell or whatever it is alloromantic people want in a partner. My idea of being together is watching movies on separate ends of the couch and making bad jokes over pizza. Don't you want more?" He asked, suddenly very insecure about this whole thing.
"Of course I want those things. But having someone be special to you sometimes means giving up the things you want. So even if I never get to kiss you like I wish to or have candlelit romantic dinners, it will be okay. Because you are there, and you are what I truly want." He explained, going in to brush Alfred's hair out of his face and stopping, not sure if he was allowed to do that.
"Hey, man, I'm aromantic, not afraid of being touched." Alfred chuckled. "You can still hug me, or pet my hair, or boop me on the nose. Hell, I even like kisses on the cheeks, nose, and forehead sometimes if it's not super-duper cheesy romantic."
"Okay, then what can I not do?" Ivan asked, curious.
"Please don't kiss me on the lips. I mean…I guess it's okay when we're having sex because that's a little bit different? Don't…hold my face like guys like to do in movies." He thought a little bit. There were so many things. "No over the top gestures. Valentine's Day cards should be ironic and funny, only….I can't think of anything else specific. I'll just let you know as things come up, okay?" He asked. Ivan nodded.
Alfred thought for a moment and came to a conclusion. He sighed inwardly and dug deep for the fortitude to do this. "And….maybe it's okay, just this one time, if you kiss me. Because I really, really appreciate that you didn't just up and storm out. So if you're willing to give up things you want for me, I guess I can do something I don't want to, sometimes." He gave him a weak, nervous smile.
Ivan looked at him in wonder, like he'd just been given whatever Christmas present he'd asked Santa again and again for and never got. "You are serious?" He asked, uncertainty evident. Alfred just nodded, body language tense and uncomfortable, but not hostile.
"Yeah. But do it quick, before I lose my nerve." He chuckled awkwardly.
Ivan put a hand on his shoulder, remembering his comment about face-holding, and leaned in. Alfred shut his eyes a little tighter that necessary as he felt Ivan's lips connect with his. It was…weird, really weird. There were no fireworks for him. No feeling of warmth or bubbles in his tummy. Just slightly warm, slightly chapped skin on his lips and Ivan way farther into his personal space than he was usually comfortable with.
It was over soon, and while Ivan gave him a look that made it very clear he was reluctant to pull away, Alfred was a bit relieved. Kissing someone always made him feel terrible about his own lack of internal response. For so long he'd felt the absence of feeling more than he'd felt the actual kissing. Before he'd learned what aromanticism was, all he'd been able to think about when people kissed him was how terrible and messed up a person he must be for not feeling those fireworks, no matter how much he cared about the other person.
But it wasn't as bad as he expected, really. It was neutral more than anything. Just something people were obsessed with, but that he didn't personally understand or enjoy. Like watching Sherlock. He couldn't care less about it, but he didn't fault others for enjoying it. And maybe, just maybe (with the right person) he could do it casually. Only sometimes, though. It was still really weird.
"So…uh…" Alfred tried to change the topic, awkwardly and unsuccessfully. He knew now that he wasn't a bad person for not feeling anything special, but that didn't mean he didn't feel bad that he couldn't give Ivan what he really wanted.
"Would you like to order pizza and watch some movies?" Ivan asked. Alfred sagged in relief.
"Hell fucking yes I would! I'll fire up Netflix while you order?" He asked, grinning. Ivan just chuckled and reached for his phone.
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For the record, Alfred is aromantic/homosexual. So I would characterize how he feels about Ivan as being about how aromantics and aroaces feel about their Queer Platonic Partners (me and my partner use the term Moirail because we're Homestuck trash, but I don't feel like that describes Ivan's and Alfred's relationship here because moiraillegiances are generally non-sexual) but they also have sex. So Alfred cares very deeply for Ivan, but in the same way you would care deeply about one of your closest friends that you also want to fuck exclusively. Got questions? Google aromantic first and see what you can find! If you can't find the answer to your question, ask me. But please don't be assholes about it.