DISCLAIMER: I do not own High School Musical or any related characters.
A/N: Okay, I wanted to do this one-shot for ages and I thought now was a good time. Oh yeah, there is a mention of sex in here, it's not graphic, in fact it's really subtle, but it's a warning. So don't read it if you don't like it.
What Hurts The Most
He stared at the ground. Everything about where he was was exactly the same. Nothing was out of place. It was the same before his world had been shattered and it was exactly the same now. His head dropped to his hands and he pushed back the feeling that had been at him all day, dogging him every time someone mentioned how sorry they were or how they wished it had turned out differently. Every time one of them had said it, he had wished that they weren't in front of him; he had wished that they weren't as sorry as they said they were. She was gone and nothing that they said would change that fact. No words would, or could, comfort him. No sympathetic looks or warm hugs could comfort him. He couldn't feel the warmth anyway, so everything that they said or did had been wasted. Even through out the week every thing that his friends had said was completely wasted on him. Every time one of them touched his shoulder in sympathy or looked at him with red eyes, he hadn't noticed. Until a day before when Chad had touched his shoulder when he'd attempted to tell him what he was feeling and told him 'I know exactly what you're feeling.' Then, out of no where, anger had coursed through him and he'd almost knocked Chad out. Almost. He'd stopped himself from doing anything when the anger had been replaced by fear and he'd taken off running. Shouting back to Chad, that there was no way in hell that he knew what he was feeling. Because not even he knew.
He stood abruptly, not wanting to think about what had happened a day before. Not wanting to think about any of it. And yet, the memories coursed through him, every thing he had seen or heard that week replayed over and over in his mind and then new ones seeped in. He remembered watching her in the kitchen and laughing at the pizza that she'd made. Everything that had been in their refrigerator seemed to be on it. He remembered seeing her in hospital for the first time. Her skin paler then the sheets and her eyes so dark he wondered if she was there at all or if the pain had taken complete control. He remembered waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Waiting for something, waiting for anything. He remembered watching the clock tick by, slower then it ever had. He remembered agonizing over what the doctor had said. Looking for some simple mistake that would tell him that she would walk out of the room and laugh at his terrified face. He remembered watching the television without really seeing. He remembered the look on the doctor's face when she'd walked into the room. He remembered watching his world shatter as the only words that he'd registered when the doctor spoke to him played over and over in his mind. 'She's gone.'
He shook his head, forcing the memories back. He didn't need to remember any of that. He didn't want to remember any of that. Because it had only just become real to him. When he'd woken up that morning it hadn't been real, when he'd taken a shower it hadn't been real, when he'd walked out the front door it hadn't been real, when he'd sat down for the service it hadn't been real, when he watched the coffin be lowered into the ground it hadn't been real and then……he'd gotten to the wake. And as he stood in the sea of black, his tie loose and his hair messed up, watching every one interact around him he'd suddenly realized that it was real. She was never going to wake up early to make pancakes for him on Tuesday or wake him up by holding coffee under his nose. She was never going to whip off her wig in front of everyone and let them touch her bald head. Or laugh at the horrified looks on peoples faces when they saw her without her wig. She was never going to be around.
He sank back down onto the bench and stared at the ground again as he heard the click of high heels. She always knew where to find him, no matter how hard he tried to hide from her. He raised his head when he knew that she'd reached the top of the stairs and studied her. Her dark hair had been set free from the bun that she'd had it in and flowed down around her shoulders. She'd discarded the cardigan that she'd worn to the service and was left in a strapless dress, which hugged her middle before flowing out into a skirt that reached just below her knees. His eyes slid to her left hand and a ghost of a smile played on his lips when he saw the sapphire ring on her left hand. Slowly, his eyes traveled back up to meet her brown ones and he tried to ignore the pain in them. The pain he knew she felt for him.
"Troy. Come back to the gym." She said softly and Troy shook his head.
"No." He said quietly and she sighed and moved over to him. Troy's eyes dropped to the ground again as she knelt down in front of him.
"You have to face it sooner or later." She told him quietly running a gentle hand through his hair. Troy shook his head violently and she knew that he wasn't going to listen to her.
"Troy, baby, please come back down." She begged and he stood up, she stood with him. Watching his face carefully, she brushed his hair back from his brow and waited for a flicker of emotion.
"I can't Gabriella, I just can't." He said and Gabriella didn't know whether to be relieved that she finally saw some emotion in his eyes or pained at how hurt he looked.
"Troy, why not?" Gabriella asked softly and he pulled away from her and turned around to look at the setting sun.
"Because it's real Gabriella, it's real." He said, Gabriella touched his back and Troy spun to face her. Anger and hurt coursing through his veins as he looked at his fiancée. Gabriella looked back at him steadily, not allowing herself to be intimidated by the nineteen year old boy in front of her.
"Do you know that every morning for the past few weeks I've woken up and thought that everything was fine? Do you know that on Tuesday, I honestly thought she'd be standing in the kitchen making pancakes and singing?" he said quietly the pain in his voice obvious. Gabriella stayed silent, knowing that all of the questions were rhetorical and that nothing she could say would comfort him. "And every time she wasn't, I wanted to crawl back into bed and pretend that I hadn't even thought that! Because it hurts Gab. Walking into the house without her hurts, walking into the kitchen expecting her to be there hurts, every thing hurts." Troy continued just as quietly and Gabriella bit her lip. Reaching up to him she touched his face, running her hand from his brow down to his jaw line.
"It's meant to hurt Troy." she said softly and saw the flicker of anger a second too late. Before she could yank her hand away from his face, Troy caught it in an iron like grip. Biting down on her lip harder, Gabriella tried to not to show how much he was hurting her. Knowing it would either make him angrier or he would clam up again and she couldn't deal with that, she couldn't deal with a cold, emotionless Troy again.
"I. Don't. Want. It. To. Hurt." He said through gritted teeth, shaking her violently. Gabriella whimpered as his grip on her wrist tightened, Troy appeared not to notice as he shook her again. "She wasn't meant to die, Gabi, they said she would make it. They told us it wasn't as bad as it seemed; that she would come out of it fine. They lied to us! They lied to her, she told me, she swore to me that she would walk out of that hospital and never go back. That as soon as she did it would be all over. That the nightmare was going to be over. She lied to me too." Troy shouted and Gabriella didn't know what to do.
"Troy, she didn't lie-" he threw her away from him as soon as she'd spoken, cutting her off. Gabriella stumbled backwards, clutching her wrist and keeping her eyes on him.
"Yes she did. She knew Gabriella. She knew. When she promised me, she knew and she still made the promise. That's what hurts the most. She knew she was going to die, she knew she wasn't going to be around for our wedding, she knew that she wasn't even going to make my twentieth birthday and she still promised. She still promised me that she would be around for it all. And she won't. She lied to me as much as the doctors did. She lied to everyone, including dad and promised things she couldn't. It makes it so much worse." Troy screamed and Gabriella moved away from him frightened by what she had just witnessed. She'd never seen Troy lose control before, she'd known he was hurting but she didn't know he was angry. She'd had no idea he was this angry.
"Troy," she said after a moment and he looked at her finally, taking her in almost as if he'd forgotten she was there. Gabriella stepped towards him and felt her heart break as she saw a single tear slide down his cheek.
"Make it stop Gabi." He whispered and Gabriella reached up to wipe away the tear. He caught her wrist again and kissed the side of her hand. Gabriella felt her breath catch in her throat as Troy pulled her to him and their lips crashed together.
Gabriella felt his hurt, his anger and his need flow into the kiss. He was telling her to reassure him. To tell him that everything would be all right, that it was okay for him to feel what his was feeling. In truth she didn't know if she could reassure him, or tell him it was okay to feel what he was feeling. Instead she let him take what he seemed to need so desperately.
As they tumbled to the floor of the rooftop, Troy knew Gabriella was trying to show him how much they were hurting each other. How she was hurting as well as him. How she was trying desperately to understand what he was going through. He knew that she couldn't, and probably would never understand what he was going through and matched her. Trying to show her that he didn't need her to understand what he was going through. He just needed her.
Gabriella felt him bury his face in her neck as their hips rocked together and knew that he was crying. As they moved as one, Gabriella let her own grief take over and tears began to drip down her face, soaking his hair the way his tears were soaking her neck. Suddenly it was over and they lay there, both shaking from grief as their tears soaked one and other.
Troy held her tightly as he removed his face from her neck. He needed to see her. She whimpered slightly as he moved, Troy didn't say anything. He just kissed her softly before looking at her. Her eyes were red and puffy as she looked up at him. Troy saw the girl he loved beyond belief staring up at him, her eyes begging him to tell her what hurt him the most.
Gabriella stared up at the boy holding her, his eyes a vortex of emotion, hurt, anger, misery and regret all swirled as one in Troy's cobalt blue eyes. Suddenly his forehead dropped to rest on hers and Gabriella felt a single tear drop splash onto her cheek.
"What hurts the most is I never told her I love her." he said quietly putting a silence to her begging and finally admitting to himself what hurt the most.
A/N: Alright, that's done. I hope you liked it. Oh yeah, in case you didn't guess 'her' is Troy's mother. If you thought it was Gabriella for the first three paragraphs well, that's understandable. Oh yeah, a 'wake' is a reception after a funeral.