The Trouble With Insignificance
Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to the amazing Eric Kripke and to the very fine people of Warner Bros/The CW. I claim no right to it and am merely playing in their beautiful sandbox. No copyright infringement intended.
If you asked Dean Winchester to define himself in three words, he would probably say "John Winchester's son." If he had to define himself in two words, it would be "Sam's brother." His sense of self was tied up completely in who he was to those around him- son….brother….soldier…..lover….. high school drop-out….. trouble-maker… delinquent… jerk.
He told himself he didn't care what people thought of him, and that was true to a point. There were very few people whose opinion of him mattered. He cared what his father thought of him. He cared what his brother thought of him. He cared what other hunters thought of him, especially hunters like Bobby Singer, Jim Murphy, and Caleb.
He couldn't care less about what his teachers thought of him. He knew that he was a pretty common topic of conversation in the teacher's lounge of whatever school he was stuck in and there was a small part of him that confessed to being at least a little curious about what they were saying. Of course, he could probably recite their concerns and opinions verbatim. They would talk of how difficult it was to keep him interested in academics. They would talk of how unfortunate it was that such an athletic young man didn't seem interested at all in organized sports. They thought it was frustrating that the young man never turned in his assignments or completed his homework. They found it concerning how he rarely seemed to have money for lunch and they found it odd how protective he was of his younger brother.
Dean had heard all of these things time and time again, but he couldn't be bothered to care at all. He did care, though, when these thoughts and concerns colored the way these teachers looked at his brother. Dean would never knowingly do something that would harm Sammy, but he knew that his actions and attitude did just that sometimes. And Sam didn't deserve that.
In his opinion, teachers should be honored to have his little brother as a student. Dean hadn't ever known anyone smarter than Sam and he couldn't help but take a little bit of pride in whatever his part was in the person his brother had become. And deep, deep down, he knew that he had a huge part in it. Dean had been brother, father, mother, friend, teacher, and partner to his brother for as long as he could remember. He had been the one to teach Sammy to read and how to tie his shoes. He taught Sam the importance of brushing his teeth and washing his hands. Through Dean, Sam learned how to add and subtract, multiply and divide at whatever table was in whatever motel room they were staying in at the moment. Dean taught him how to sew buttons on shirts and mend socks. And how to sort laundry to keep everything from turning pink. Everything Sam needed to know to get through life, he learned from his big brother.
But despite all the things Dean had done for Sam, he still didn't feel like it was enough. If he had been a better brother, Sam wouldn't have nightmares all the time. If he had kept a closer eye on Sam, the kid wouldn't have found their dad's journal and learned that monsters were real when he was only eight. If he had been a better brother, Sam wouldn't have broken his arm when he was five. Dean should have known that his little brother would try to copy him and follow him off the roof. He should have paid attention to the kid and stopped him from jumping. And he should have made sure that Sammy knew that Batman couldn't fly.
Dean had made so many mistakes with Sam and he hated himself for it. John Winchester had many rules for his eldest, but the rule he expected Dean to follow above all others was to watch out for Sammy. That was Dean's sole purpose in life, the motive for every second spent training, the reason for every breath he took, and yet he seemed to fail again and again. That, above all else, was how Dean knew he was a failure.
But, that didn't stop Dean from trying to protect Sam. If he didn't, who else would do it? John was too busy taking care of everyone else's problems to worry about whether or not someone had Sam's back. Of course, he expected Dean to follow his orders like the good little soldier he was, so he usually didn't think twice about Sam's well-being. Unless he found out that Dean had screwed up in some way.
As hard as Dean was on himself when he messed up, John was even worse. In the Winchester Army, there was little room for mistakes and poor decisions, especially when it involved the youngest Winchester. Although John rarely got physical with his boys, there were times that he felt a lesson could be driven home harder when delivered by the leather of his belt. Dean was no stranger to the sting of his father's belt and he hated those lessons, but he hated the sting of his father's disappointment even more.
John was not the type of father to sugar-coat things or play down his disappointment, either. His words could be contemptuous and scathing, leaving scars on Dean's soul much worse than the quickly fading stripes on his backside. The only thing that came close to the despair Dean felt when letting Sam down was the despair he felt when his father was disappointed in him. Sometimes it was too much for him.
What Dean didn't understand, and what those who cared for him did, was how his overwhelming need to protect Sam and to make his father proud often led him to taking risks that he shouldn't take. He often acted impulsively and recklessly, putting himself in harm's way without hesitation, in order to protect Sam. The thought of his little brother being hurt on a hunt was more than Dean could take and Sam often found himself being pushed aside and left to watch as his brother was battered or clawed or bitten or stabbed by whatever monster they were hunting.
Sam always tried to talk to Dean about his actions, usually after spending hours stitching him up and cleaning and dressing his various wounds, but Dean didn't see the problem. Occasionally, Sam would try to get their father to talk some sense into Dean, but John didn't seem to see the problem, either. John respected his oldest son's hunting instincts and felt that a little risk here and there was what it took to get the job done. Apparently, Sam and John had different ideas on what constituted too big of a risk.
So, it continued. Dean did what he thought he had to do, John rarely commented on his son's decisions, and Sam was there to pick up the pieces.
As time went on, Dean continued to make risky decisions. Luckily, he was truly an exceptional hunter and these risks often paid off in fortunate ways. Injuries still happened, of course, but Dean was able to keep his little brother from getting hurt.
He also was able to protect Sam from more ordinary things at home through self-sacrifice. John wasn't always careful with how much money he left the boys, so when his hunting trips were extended past his projected return date, sometimes by as much as a month, Dean had to get creative. Sam wasn't aware of the fact that his brother often went without things in order to provide for him. Dean always gave his excuses as to why he wasn't eating or why he wasn't wearing a warm enough coat in the middle of winter and Sam never looked too closely at them. How many times had he watched his brother place a single plate of food on the table, telling Sam that he had eaten too big of a lunch and wasn't hungry or that he wasn't feeling well enough to eat anything? How many times had Dean carried a lunch bag to school with him, hoping that no one noticed that it was empty, while Sam's lunch bag was full of sandwiches and fruits and cookies? And how many times had he risked everything to steal some bread and cheese or some medicine for when Sam was sick?
Dean had risked so much for Sammy. Too much, at times. But, he didn't care. He did what he had to do to take care of them. To take care of Sammy. He put up with nosy teachers and teachers who thought he wasn't worth the effort. He put up with spoiled rich kids who laughed at his second-hand jeans that were always just a little too long, too short, too loose, or too tight. Dean always made sure that Sam's clothes were clean and at least close to a good fit. He always made sure that Sam had a good lunch to eat and money for whatever project or fieldtrip they were planning at school. Sam got what he needed, when he needed it, and it was mostly because of his big brother's sacrifice.
If Sam knew the things his brother did for him or the things he went through for him, he would be amazed. Dean was already a hero to his little brother, even without Sam knowing the full extent of his sacrifices. But, Dean didn't see it the same way. All Dean saw was the fact that he was doing what he was supposed to be doing. All he saw were the expectations in his dad's eyes and the acceptance of the fact that Dean did what he had to do, no matter the personal cost.
If you asked Dean to describe himself in one word, he would probably say "insignificant." Because that's what he was. The only thing that mattered…..the only thing of significance was that Sam was taken care of. Everything else was insignificant, including him, and nothing could ever change that.
Author's note: This was just a little thought that popped into my head and begged to be written. I'm always fascinated by how self-sacrificing Dean can be, especially when it comes to Sam. And for him to so easily trade his life for his brother's, as he is always willing to do, he must have such little regard for the significance of his own life. I know that Sam is self-sacrificing, too, but it's just a little bit different with him due to the fact that he always had Dean to take care of him when he was growing up. If you really think about it, Dean mostly had to take care of himself and, if you add to that the responsibility of taking care of his little brother, too, it's no wonder he doesn't value his own life.
Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time to read. I'd love to hear what you think about this little drabble.