A/N: One morning I was having a conversation with an online friend and I happened to mention that I had a banana with breakfast that morning. He thought I was being cruel, so I looked on the internet to see if I could find a song about bananas. This one caught my eye and I thought it would be funny to do a one-shot song fic about it. It was very difficult to not bust a gut laughing because I was at the library at the time.

YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS

It all started with a banana.

Lois and I had just finished dinner when she asked me what we were having for dessert. Well I told her that we were going to have some ice cream and some of the cookies my mother sent me in her latest care package. But for some reason that's not what she wanted. So I asked what it was she really wanted.

She wanted a banana.

Well I didn't have any bananas. So I asked her what was wrong with the ice cream and cookies. She rolled her eyes and said there was nothing wrong with them. But she just had a craving for bananas. And being the amazing boyfriend I am, I super sped to the grocery store to get some bananas for my also amazing girlfriend who…pardon the pun…drives me bananas sometimes. But guess what? They were out of bananas. Can you believe that? They were OUT of bananas.

I knew that she would be annoyed with me if I came back home and didn't have any bananas. So I went to Metropolis and went to another store and they were out of bananas too. Now I was really starting to get a little annoyed. How hard could it be to find one freaking banana?

So I went to another store and they were out of bananas too. Now this is getting ridiculous. What the hell is going on here? Why am I having such a hard time finding bananas? Now I'm swearing to myself and I don't usually swear.

That's when I super sped back to Smallville and went over to Chloe and Jimmy's apartment. I asked her if I could use her computer for a minute. So she gladly let me use her lap top. I sat down and did a little research. Well I found out why I couldn't find any bananas. Apparently the company that imports them from overseas is having a problem. Or is it exports? I always get those two mixed up. So that's why I couldn't find any bananas.

Sounds crazy doesn't it?

Well now I have to go home to my girlfriend and tell her that there were no bananas anywhere. So I went back to the farm and walked in the door empty-handed. She was sitting at the kitchen table drumming her fingers on the table. When she saw I had nothing in my hands, she asked me where the bananas were. So I had to tell her the whole story. She was very quiet for a couple minutes. But do you know what she said next?

She wanted me to go to Brazil and get some bananas.

I couldn't believe it. She wants me to go all the way to Brazil just to get one lousy banana. She said she wanted two bananas – not one. Then she hit me with something else. She told me that until she had that banana in her hand, I was not going to see her 'melons' tonight – or any other night. So what did I do? You guessed it.

I went to Brazil and got her those two bananas.

I walked in the door and stopped short at the sight of her. She was sitting on the table with her legs crossed with her arms behind her and resting on her hands for support. She was wearing satin tap pants with a matching lacy camisole. And to top it off she was wearing her bunny slippers. If I didn't think she looked sexy before well...those bunny slippers really did it for me.

She was very happy to see the bag in my hand. So I handed it to her and she took them out; placing one of them next to her on the table. I asked her why she wanted two of them. She told me that one was for me. So I reached over for the one she put to the side and she pushed my hand away. When I asked her why she did that, she replied it wasn't time for me to have my banana yet.

I was about to say something when she began to peel the banana in her hand. I was practically mesmerized by how she slowly pulled down the peel half-way down the banana. Then she reached behind her and pulled out a jar of caramel sauce. My eyes just about bulged out of their sockets when she dipped the tip of the banana into the sauce and then slowly lowered her mouth over it. Yep. I was thinking what you think I was thinking.

I wish I were that damn banana.

I had to sit down. I just couldn't keep my eyes off her as that banana went into her mouth; inch by delicious inch until half of it was in there. And to make matters worse, she was umming and ahhing the whole time; torturing me with how much she was enjoying sucking on that banana. I could feel 'Clark Jr.' waking up with a vengeance. It took all the self-control I have to not to squeeze myself. Then it happened.

She bit the banana in half.

Well she just about killed me with that one. Then she began to slowly chew it. And when I say she was chewing it...well...let's just say that she definitely savored every bite. Then she swallowed it. She then proceeded to devour the rest of the banana; laying the peel down on the table and slowly licking her fingers.

She looked down at me and smiled. Then she picked up the other banana and extended it towards me. So I took it from her and peeled the whole thing. I was about to start eating it when she reached out and grabbed my wrist. She asked me to hold on for one moment. Now I was a little confused. Why would she want me to hold on? But I got my answer a second later.

She pulled her camisole off and showed me her melons.

I forgot all about the banana and...well...I think you can figure out what happened next.

I like bananas. But I love melons.

THE END.

YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS TODAY – SPIKE JONES

There's a fruit store on our street
It's run by a Greek
And he keeps good things to eat But you should hear him speak!
When you ask him anything, he never answers "no"
He just "yes"es you to death, and as he takes your dough He tells you
"Yes, we have no bananas
We have-a no bananas today
We've string beans, and onions
Cabashes, and scallions,
And all sorts of fruit and say
We have an old fashioned tomato
A Long Island potato But yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today

Business got so good for him that he wrote home today,
"Send me Pete and Nick and Jim; I need help right away"
When he got them in the store, there was fun, you bet
Someone asked for "sparrow grass" and then the whole quartet
All answered "Yes, we have no bananas
We have-a no bananas today
Just try those coconuts
Those wall-nuts and doughnuts
There ain't many nuts like they
We'll sell you two kinds of red herring,
Dark brown, and ball-bearing
But yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today"

He, he, he, he, ha, ha, ha whatta you laugh at?
You gotta soup or pie?
Yes, I don't think we got soup or pie
You gotta coconut pie?
Yes, I don't think we got coconut pie
Well I'll have one cup a coffee
We gotta no coffee
Then watta you got?
I got a banana!
Oh you've got a banana!

Yes, we gotta no banana, No banana, No banana, I tell you we gotta no banana today
I sella you no banana
Hey, Mary Anna, you gotta... gotta no banana?
Why this man, he's no believe-a what I say… no… he no believe me…
Now whatta you wanta mister? You wanna buy twelve for a quarter?
Well, just a one of a look, I'm gonna call for my daughter
Hey, Mary Anna You gotta piana
Yes, a banana, no
Yes, we gotta no bananas today!

The new English "clark" (a.k.a. "clerk"):
Yes, we are very sorry to inform you
That we are entirely out of the fruit in question
The afore-mentioned vegetable Bearing the cognomen "Banana"
We might induce you to accept a substitute less desirable,
But that is not the policy at this internationally famous green grocery
I should say not. No no no no no no no
But may we suggest that you sample our five o'clock tea
Which we feel certain will tempt your pallet?
However we regret that after a diligent search
Of the premises By our entire staff
We can positively affirm without fear of contradiction
That our raspberries are delicious; really delicious
Very delicious But we have no bananas today.