I am addicted to YuxFem!Yosuke pairing, it seems.
There's no way he wants you.
No fucking way when he has tons of girls to choose from; ranged from super cute to divinely beautiful. And you're just a thin, ordinary girl who happens to be his best friend as well. You know you can touch him, but there are limits; rules that you put on yourself to convince everyone that you have no slightest crush toward him - yet you still have this big crush on him, right? Your Shadow whispered with dark grin.
You know that it's completely cordial when you offered him your hand, pulling him from the ground and even though his smile is completely radiant, you fling your gaze away and move away. It's as if there's this giant transparent wall between you and him that can only be crossed by someone as attractive as Risette.
Teddie kept on asking you; how you never score with his sensei and you punched him in the face. You didn't eat dinner that night, locking yourself inside your bedroom so you won't have to see Teddie's face. Your mom asked you, knocking your door more than twice and you ignored her. You felt hot, your body felt strange. Picturing yourself and him getting it on made something inside you twitch furiously, like you want that stimulation, but your brain supplies you with that boundaries.
So you took a deep breath and buried yourself inside your smell, wrapped in cocoon of thick blanket to will your thought away.
You forgot breakfast too after that.
And you remembered going through morning classes with muffled growl of your stomach that didn't go unnoticed by him. Once the bell rung, he took your hand as you followed –barely holding on- to the rooftop and he shoveled his lunch inside your mouth.
It's your favorite food.
You hate how you can't stop yourself from falling for him. For wanting to do everything, anything as long as it's his wish. You would go to hell and back as long as it makes him happy. You're attached. You know you'll get hurt but you didn't care, couldn't care less. You're already broken. A broken human being without any purpose but to follow him.
Then he cried.
He cried and something in you broke further. Shatters of what's left of yourself scattered across your heart. What seems to be your heart. You hugged him. He hugged you before and it worked like a charm. So you thought why not? Why shouldn't you? Then he kissed you.
Right on your lips.
You're lost. You know you can't fight him. You let him. Your breath was almost gone when he's done kissing you. Then he pulled you, took you away, away from the cold biting against your skin, away from what you know into a territory you have no knowledge of.
It's a mad dance.
Of hurts, of sorrow, of things best left unknown. A play where he, as the director told you to do as he wants and you can't do anything but. You were deprived of your freedom, but you don't care. All you care is his feeling, his emotions, his eyes boring hole at you. You don't care if this means stamping your card. No, it's not about you.
It's about him.
It's never you.
Then at morning, when you woke up, hearing hints of sobbing. His back shook as he cried quietly in his sleep. You hugged him tight. "It's okay…" you chanted. Either to yourself or to him, you can't really tell. "It's okay…" you continued, to his ears, to your ears, to whoever that could hear you. "It's…okay…" you planted small kisses to his bare back, his leant shoulder, his pale neck.
Is it really okay?
As long as he's happy…right?
He looked at you when he woke up and went to make breakfast. You retrieved your clothes, slipping them on as you pay his strong smell no heed. Teddie called, asking you of your whereabouts. You told him you would come home today. There's no way that bear won't try to pry dare you tell where you are. He entered his room again and watched you. He said nothing. You said nothing. You two simply nodded in mutual understanding and went to school after you both ate his divine breakfast.
You took it that he wants you to forget about it.
So you did.
No matter how hurt you are.
Because it's never about you after all…
….
She's out of your reach.
From the first time she offered you her hand in partnership, you already know how this goes. Igor had said that you need her to strengthen your persona. You thought that once. It's not until you saw her smiling, beneath the sunlight on that summer day as she opens herself to you that you realizes it. Do you befriend her just for power?
You shook your head, no.
A Magician; the ambitious, upbeat companion of the Fool. You looked that up in your laptop. It's not like other girls who become attracted to you like it was scripted, intended to be. She's unlike Yukiko's blushy approach with soft, delicate manner like a princess. Nor Chie's powerful promise to protect you with everything she has. Or even Rise's cute and flirty teasing about how good you look. She's not like that.
You're getting frustrated.
There's this uniqueness on how she speaks to you. Something that girls never did to you. She talks to you like she's one of your guy friends. Playfully hitting your shoulder, occasionally asking which type of girl do you like –which you almost blurted, "You"-, even going as far as watching porn with you.
You wonder if she ever thought about you 'that' way.
Because you have. Times and times again.
Just picturing yourself pinning her to the bed, enjoying the way her lips parted and these short, delicious pants coming out from those pink lips you want to kiss so bad. How many times had you let yourself drown in those thought. And ended up with sticky underwear more than once.
You felt helpless.
You blindly chased her and she always…always managed to slip away, like those little sands between your fingers. It's like…like she's not attracted to you at all. You questioned yourself. Everyone practically adores you; a kouhai even tells you that you're perfect. But she never gets attracted to you. She's your best friend. And that's that.
Then…Nanako died.
You just broke that day, all of your conscience, those walls you built around yourself destroyed. Gone. And she hugged you. She hugged you. Hugged you. With those slender fingers rubbing comforting circle on your back, her warm breath on the crook of your neck. You can't do it. You can't.
You kissed her.
Her lips parted in surprise and you took that as an invitation. You drank all her soft noises and wondered why she didn't fight. Why she let you nip at her lips, enjoying those moans. Your tongue surely didn't care when you slipped past her lips. If she let you, you didn't give a damn anymore.
You took her to your house, practically throwing her slender body to your rolled up futon before continuing what you're doing before. Clothes were gone, futon haphazardly spread and you're on top of her in a second. You know you're attracted to her. Too attracted even and you let go. Those walls that were supposed to hold it has gone and now it flooded your blood, boiling your inside.
She let you. She let you. She let you.
Why?
You don't know when you started crying, but you did. It's silly. Nanako had just died. You just had sex with your best friend. It's all fucked up. And all you can do was cry? Then there's warmth on your back. "It's okay…" you heard her say. Okay? You nearly choked. "It's okay…" she said once more and you reveled on how she's there. She's real.
"It's…okay…"
You convinced yourself it's okay.
You woke up, stared at her pretty face. Looking both exhausted and content. There's a hint of worry painting her face and you cringed. You excused yourself to make breakfast. Once you reached the kitchen, you went through the routine. Eggs, toast, whatever left inside that pathetic refrigerator.
You're feeling that guilt wrenching your guts.
When you're back to your room, she's fully clothed, sitting on your futon while rambling at her phone –you can catch Teddie's voice from the other line-. Your eyes met hers and you nodded. She too, nodded. After she ended the phone, you two went to school after devouring what breakfast crap you managed to make –in which she praised on how delicious it is. You're too afraid to mention about what had happened. You're scared to break that bond you have with her.
You can't tell her. You can't
She's still out of your reach.
So you whispered to yourself,
"It's okay…it's okay…it's okay…"