The Vows

Naturally she wants them to write their own vows. He doesn't know if he can. Being with her has gotten him to the point where he can tell her, in private, what he thinks and feels, and he can discuss his feelings for her with Oliver –just barely. But at the front of the church, with their friends and family watching? Wouldn't it just be easier to use the traditional ones?

He's very much like to ask her that, but he knows he won't. He can't. He's pretty sure that she'd acquiesce, but he's aware that some of the shine would be rubbed off for her. She loves to talk about feelings, and he loves her, so write his own vows he will.

Starting is easy enough: "I, Samuel Jay Swarek, take you, Andrea Grace McNally – as my lawfully wedded wife,"

Just a second here. He has never called her Andrea, and he's pretty sure he never will. She's McNally – has been from their first day riding together. Well, not the day, more like that night, in the parking lot. "McNally." The connection was there right from the beginning. He smiles at the thought of how much he wanted to kiss her.

So," I, Samuel Jay Swarek, take you, McNally (pause for laughs) - Andrea Grace McNally – as my lawfully wedded wife."

This next bit is from the traditional vows, but he wants to say it anyway: "To love and to cherish". Because he does. God knows it took him long enough to say it, but he loves her, so much it can choke him up. And cherish? He doesn't think he has ever actually cherished anything in his life. But the two words fit together in this context, and it wouldn't feel right to leave it out. So he checks in the dictionary: Protect and care for (well that's how he has felt from the beginning); Hold (something) dear (pretty sure he's felt like that from the beginning too; even when he pushed her away it was because he held her so dear that he couldn't stand the thought that she might end up like Traci when Jerry died); Keep (a hope or ambition) in one's mind (he had done that for sure, all the two years between the night in the parking lot at The Penny, and the parking lot at 15 when they found Oliver's squad car, all the time he was with Marlo, all the time he had to watch her with someone else, first Callaghan, then Collins, the hope in his mind refused to die).

What next? He thinks for a bit, then comes up with "to embrace and to set free". That's not from the traditional vows, but it's important to say. He's the tactile one, the toucher, the stroker. McNally has always been just a little held back. He once called her the cat that walks by herself, and even though he's sure she loves him, and she's passionate and loving enough for any guy, he wants her to know that he respects her separateness. He'll want to hold her close, but he's not going to hold on too tight.

OK, next? He thinks it's really important to say out loud what he has known for a long time, to acknowledge to everyone just what she has done for him, so "You took a broken man and you made him whole. And each day I will be grateful – I am grateful – for everything you've given to me."

He reads what he has written from the beginning, and he's actually pretty happy with what he has so far.

How to wind it down – that can be really hard. He could be all flowery, but he needs to sound like himself so she'll know that this comes from his heart, and his soul. He checks with the regular marriage service for inspiration, or at least a suggestion of where to go next. Right, got it.

"So now I take you – my friend, my best friend" (sorry, Ollie, about the best friend part, because that's been you all these years, but you'll understand. You want this just about as much as I do. You were shoving us together for years, coming up with "helpful" suggestions like, "Maybe it would be a good time to talk to her," or "Don't miss your chance." And you'll always be my best guy friend – oh, that sounds weird, no need to put it into words. You're my buddy.)

"my partner" – we have been such great partners, working together, understanding without putting it into words what needed to be done, and we'll be partners in this too.

"and the love of my life" – well, there's hardly any need to put that into words either. I had no idea what it meant to love someone until I learned it from her. She's the only one.

More from the original (but it's the way it's been said for hundreds of years so it's OK to repeat it) – "for better or for worse, in sickness and health". No question that's what I'm promising her.

And to finish? Easy. "For now, forever, for always." Because that's how it is and how it will be.

He reads them again from the beginning, out loud this time. Right after "To love and to cherish" his throat closes up and it takes a second before he can continue. That'll probably happen on the day, too, but he doesn't care. He starts up again and gets through the rest without too much trouble.

He's happy with what he has written. He hopes that she will be too.

He thinks again how much he loves her.