Title- Missing: One Hellmouth
Author- Me(Amber)
Pairings- B/S(later in the story), W/T, X/A, and D/V(if I feel like writing Veronica in)
Spoilers- None(AU)
Rated- R, for language(Jay has one serious potty mouth)
Disclaimer- I own nothing, Joss owns Buffy, Kevin Smith owns the Askewniverse, some big corporation owns Little Debbie, Twinkies, and Pringles. All I own is my twisted ideas, and my even more twisted brain(you don't want either, trust me)
Distribution- Not that anybody would actually want this piece of... but if you do, ask me first, and don't forget to tell me where it goes(but please don't put it in the "This is how you shouldn't write fic" section, even though it pretty much belongs there)
Feedback- Please? Feed my ego, it's starving to death(some of the feedback goes to Jessa(my original Beta), cuz it was a mess before she came in and cleaned it up)
Author's Note- If you haven't seen Clerks yet, some of this may not make sense. Sorry, but I just love that movie, had to write a fic about it, sorry again
Dedications- Bu(Kirsten), for loving this fic so much, for Debsie, cuz she's cool, and I miss her, and for my buds in the Buffy chat room, cuz they just plain rock sometimes
Summery- the Hellmouth gets moved, the Scoobies gotta stop some big bad evil from opening it up, thus negating all existence(quoted Dogma there, sorry)

Chapter One

The outside of the Quick Stop seemed deserted. The only car that was in the parking lot belonged to Dante, the clerk working that day. The RST Video had, as per usual, been closed up. Inside the Quick Stop, Dante sat behind the counter staring almost blankly at a newspaper. Randal sat beside him with his feet propped up on the counter.
"Who the hell declared today a national holiday without telling me first?" Randal asked, his voice full of impatience. "Even Jay and Bob have vacated the premises, and that's saying something."
"Think of it this way, Randal," Dante told him. "If there's no one here, there's no one to annoy us. Grab a magazine, do whatever, and just be thankful they aren't here." Just as he finished his sentence, Jay and Silent Bob strode in the door. "I spoke too soon," Dante muttered before going back to his paper, effectively trying to ignore the outrageous duo. Of course, Jay and Silent Bob, well, mostly just Jay, aren't easy to ignore.
"Why don't you guys go hang out at the mall or something? Bother someone else for a change," Randal asked. "Ya know, be good little hoods. Tag a bus, smoke a joint outside the liqueur store...terrorize little old ladies. Whatever. In other words, be anywhere but here." Upon saying this, Randal grabbed a magazine off the rack and headed back to his chair.
As if protesting his move, a low rumbling began. It started out low, like a small tremor, but soon built on itself. Items fell off the shelves, glass broke, the ground shook, basically chaos ensued, leaving the Quick Stop in shambles.
"What the fuck?!" Jay said, his voice intense. "What the fuck is happening?! This ain't fuckin' California, so why the fuck is an earthquake..." Jay was cut off by a low roar that made it's way through the store to where the foursome stood in shock.
A swirling mass of light had opened up in the back of the store, like a portal in a science fiction movie. The men watched in awe, as the ugliest thing any of them had ever seen appeared in the portal. It was covered in tentacles and was dripping yellow slime that fell in globs to the ground, as it slowly but surely made it's way out of the rapidly shrinking portal.
"What the fuck is that?!" Jay screamed, because the beast was growling so loud he had to shout to be heard over it. "It's like that fucking shit demon times ten!" He then proceeded to howl, "Kill that fucker!" over and over again.
Silent Bob was staring at the monster, slack jawed, lost from his usual demeanor. After a moment, he regained his composure and began throwing anything he could grab at the advancing creature. Bags of chips and jars of salsa were flying across the room, but they had no affect on the monster, except making him more angry and mixing with the yellow slime on the ground, forming a revolting brown goo.
Randal quickly joined in, throwing cans of Pringles and boxes of Little Debbie cupcakes across the room. Seeing that the Twinkies were doing nothing, Randal looked around, desperately searching for something to kill or at least stun the beast with, to give them time to escape.
Dante finally got over his initial shock and watched as the six-foot tall snot octopus clawed at shelves and impaled loaves of bread on it's large claws. Looking around, he grabbed the heaviest object within reach-the emergency fire extinguisher. Letting out a yell, he ran to the yellow goo thing and tried to pound the small amount of lime green brains out of it's squishy mucus-head. Suddenly the fire extinguisher went off, spraying white foam all over the surrounding area, and covering Dante and the monster in the process. The creature, distracted by the foam, let out an ear piercing scream as it's grip slipped and it began being sucked back into the hole at an alarming speed. Dante leaped off the creature all of two seconds before it was pulled in completely. The portal closed, just as suddenly as it had opened. The only evidence to it's existence was the cracks in the floor and the piles of monster snot.
Randal shook his head in shock, having given up his search for a weapon when Dante's inner warrior came out to play. He stared at the section of linoleum where, just seconds ago, the enormous goo-beast had struggled, and wiped off some foam that had landed on his shirt during the battle. "Ooooooooookay," he said. "That was definitely not you average, run-of-the-mill, annoying customer."

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Buffy paced back and forth, an intense look plastered on her face. She was in Giles' apartment, as were most of the other Scoobies. Xander sorted through the fridge, trying to seem useful, while Anya looked over his shoulder pestering him every few minutes on if he's found anything yet. Spike watched the news in the living room, and in front of him, Tara and Willow were sitting on the floor, each reading one of Giles' many large, dusty books. Dawn and Giles sat at the table, also reading from the collection of demonic information and prophesies full of cryptic messages hoping to avert the next apocalypse.
At least Giles was reading, Dawn on the other hand, kept looking out the window and thinking, "Other teenaged girls are hanging out at the mall, but I'm sitting here reading books that have copyright dates older than America."
Buffy suddenly let out a huge, and promptly dropped into an over-stuffed arm chair. "Are you sure you can't find anything?" she asked Giles, the intense face melting into one of hope. "Even just a small mention of something like this happening in the past?"
Giles put his book down on the table, and got up to get a new one. "As I've told you before, Buffy, I can't even find the vaguest mention of anything like this. It would take a great deal of magick to pull off something like this, and before now, there was never a person strong enough to do it." He frowned, and sat back down, opening up his new book, hoping it could shed some light on their predicament.
Buffy's face fell as her hopeful mood was dashed. "But the Hellmouth doesn't disappear every day, you know? We haven't seen a demon, vamp, or any kind of nasty for three days! And from what Willy said, everybody sure was in a hurry to leave." She needed something to do, something to keep her mind off the problem at hand. Pacing had only made it worse. She went over to Spike, and kicked him in the leg. Spike yelped at the unexpected blow to his knee cap. "You could help, you know?" Buffy said.
Spike, still rubbing his leg from where Buffy had kicked it, replied in his most sarcastic voice, "Ooh, ooh, can I pace around the room, sighing and bossing everybody around?"
Buffy was about to reply when the anchor woman caught her attention. "This is Carla West, reporting live from Red Bank, New Jersey, where an unexpected earthquake has just occurred." The petite brunette was shown standing in front of what looked like an ugly suburban dime store. "At four o'clock this afternoon, an unpredicted earthquake swept through Red Bank, leaving only small damage, save the Quick Stop, a local convenience store. Cracks in the flooring seem to point to it being the focal point of the 'quake."
"What's the matter, Buffy?" Willow asked. Willow had been listening to the news cast, but it hadn't seemed important. Buffy turned to Willow. "Shhhhh, Buffy said, before turning her head back to the tv.
The camera had been filming the cracks in the store's floor, but now the anchor woman was back along with another person. "This is Jay....umm, Jay, who was here when the 'quake hit. What was it like?" she asked him.
The camera zoomed in on a guy who couldn't be older than twenty-five. He had long, stringy blond hair, covered slightly with a ski cap, even though it was hardly winter, even in New Jersey. "It was bleep cool," the Jay guy said.
The anchor woman interrupted his story, "You can't say that word on this channel," she said. Jay seemed to get angry at this revelation.
"Why the bleep not? I was the bleep person who saw that bleep monster pop his bleep head out of that bleep portal. bleep this bleep, I'm getting my bleep bleep oughta here, 'fore that bleep monster shows up again. Bob, move your bleep fat bleep." With that, him and a man wearing a long coat and smoking a cigarette went to leave the parking lot, Jay fingering the camera as they walked away, which was also censored.
The anchor woman was talking again, but nobody was paying attention to a word she was saying. Buffy opened her mouth then closed it again, almost in disbelief. Finally, she said, "It looks like we don't have to put up 'Missing' posters. We've found our Hellmouth." All the Scoobies looked from the tv, to Buffy, then back to the screen. All they could do was nod in agreement.

TBC.................