Disclaimer: Star Trek doesn't belong to me. I'm not doing any profit with this story.
Summary: After a few tiresome weeks, the crew of the Enterprise is in serious need of a shore leave. For that reason, they stop for a leave on the planet where their thoughts and desires become real. Captain Kirk, however, doesn't want to beam down to the planet and it's up to Spock to convince his Captain to take a day of leave.
Universe: Star Trek: The Original Series.
Warnings: Set somewhere after the third season of TOS, but there's not any specific spoilers, I guess, with the exception of Shore Leave. It's not mandatory to see the episode to understand the fic, but it would be good to give a little context. Unbeta'd.
Ships: Kirk/Spock
A.N: I wrote this fic for the K/S Day in my mother tongue (Portuguese), but I received a lovely request (on AO3) to translate it to English, so I did it, so… enjoy!
X_X_X
Dreams Are Strewn Across The Sand
By Mychelle in a Wonderland
X_X_X
Spock had noticed that the mood amongst the crew aboard the Enterprise was quite tense in those past few weeks, and the long list of formal complaints that he read every day just confirmed to Spock the truth he had already seen.
The crew was visibly anxious and prone to seek fights among themselves. Spock supposed he could not blame them, not with the recent events. The last three missions were extremely exhaustive and dangerous and, while there was no casualties and only a handful of personnel had more severe wounds, Spock knew that every single one of those Humans had reason to think that they were living the last minutes of their lives in more than just one occasion.
The result of all this accumulated tension and adrenaline was reflected now in the behavior of the crew, nervous and trapped inside the walls of the ship and trying to get rid of those negative emotions with petty arguments with their friends and colleagues.
Spock knew that something should be done, and soon. The tension would soon begin to affect the productivity and health of the crew, and that was the last thing they would need if another emergency arrived. Spock thought about bringing up this subject with the Captain and maybe make a suggestion that they should stop in a suitable planet for a shore leave, but for his approval it was the Captain the one to bring up the idea of a shore leave, to Spock's approval.
The nearest planet for such activity was a very familiar planet, one that the Enterprise had stopped in the first year of its mission - the planet known as an "amusement park" because of its capacity in turning to reality even the most intimate desires of its visitants. Jim thought it would be ideal for the crew, and that they only needed to instruct the personnel that they should be careful with their thoughts to avoid confusion, proportioning this way a satisfactory shore leave.
Spock agreed with the reasons of his Captain, and so the Enterprise was on course to this planet. They would arrive there in two days time, and it was during this day that Spock was intercepted by Doctor McCoy, who had arrived at the mess hall when Spock was just leaving to the bridge.
"Spock, can I talk with you?"
"If you be brief, Doctor. I shall return to my duties in approximately seven minutes.
"This won't take long. Spock, is about Jim."
Doctor McCoy, unfortunately, was familiar enough with Spock to know that such a sentence would make Spock give him his full attention.
"Is there a problem with the Captain, Doctor?"
"Yes. The problem is that Jim didn't put his name in the list for the landing parties for the shore leave, in none of the days we will stay there."
Spock raised one of his eyebrows, but before he could say anything, the Doctor spoke again.
"And yes, Spock… I did check this information. Three times, actually. It seems that our Captain doesn't intend to rest in the next few days."
"Illogical. The Captain needs rest, just like every other member of this crew."
The Captain was in even more need of rest, in Spock's opinion. No other person on the ship had more obligations and concerns than Jim, and after all the recent tough missions, Spock knew that the weight of the command was resting quite heavily on Jim's shoulders.
"For once I agree with you, Spock," the Doctor shook his head "But I don't think Jim would agree that easy. You know how stubborn that man can be."
"As the Chief Medical Officer, are you not able to make this an order?"
Doctor McCoy scowled at that, looking uncomfortable with the suggestion.
"Well, I could - and I will if I find it necessary - but I would rather avoid exercising this kind of authority to force Jim to do that. It will only bring more stress to him, and stress is the last thing that Jim needs now. I was hoping you could talk with him, Spock. Jim values your counsel and your opinion, and I think he may hear you."
"Jim also valorizes your counsel and opinion, Doctor."
"I know that he does, but Jim may not take my recommendations seriously because he knows I always worry about his health. Someone has to," the Doctor almost spat those words "But with you is different. I know that Jim will consider your Vulcan judgment… impartial."
While the Doctor's words where polite, the tone in his voice carried a sarcasm that Spock became very familiar with in the past few years.
"My Vulcan judgment is always impartial, Doctor."
"Even when Jim is involved?"
Spock kept the same blank expression on his face.
"In all occasions, Doctor."
Doctor McCoy only rolled his eyes in a way that Spock would have considered offensive in any other Human, but Spock was well acquainted with the illogical and rude antics of the Doctor.
"Whatever. Will you speak with him or not?"
"Certainly, doctor. I consider only logical to do so, and I shall try to make the Captain see the irrationality in his refusal of taking a shore leave."
The Doctor gave Spock a satisfied grin, and moved to let him pass.
"Excellent! Thank you, Spock. And good luck; you will need it."
While Spock did not believed in the concept of luck, he was nevertheless thankful for the Doctor's superstitious words - knowing Jim as Spock did, a certain amount of luck would be most welcome.
X_X_X
As Spock predicted, Jim showed reluctance to Spock's logical arguments.
"There's no need for this, Spock. Everyone is exhausted; it's not fair for the Captain to be enjoying a nice, relaxing leave while there are still members of the crew waiting for a rest."
"You are also a part of this crew, Jim, and you are also in need of rest just like every other Human."
"I can relax from up here, on the ship. There's no need, it hasn't been that long since my last shore leave."
Spock approached his stubborn Captain, standing right in front of him.
"Jim. You are an exceptional human being… but you are Human. We all have been through stressful moments in the past few weeks. Why do you not wish to allow yourself to rest?"
Jim avoided his gaze for a few moments.
"Was it Bones that convinced you to come and talk to me?"
"While the Doctor has expressed concern about you, I intended to question you about this subject, Captain. It's important for the commanding officer of the enterprise to be in the highest level of efficiency, and that will not happen unless you take this time to rest."
Spock hesitated just for a few seconds before continuing.
"And in a personal note… I do admit that it worries me to see you like this, Jim. You are visible exhausted and in need of taking time for yourself. I ask you to take advantage of this opportunity."
His words finally seemed to have a positive effect on Jim, who smiled tiredly at Spock.
"Worry is a very Human emotion, Spock."
"Unfortunately is inevitable given my mixed biology, Captain."
Jim's smile was gone again, and Spock mentally analyzed the conversation on his head, trying to see if he had said something wrong; he did not thought that he had said anything too different from the usual.
"Human emotions can be quite inconvenient, Spock. I don't blame you for trying to avoid it."
Spock raised an eyebrow, confused with the affirmation coming from Jim, who usually enjoyed talking about the positive side of the human emotions, but Jim did not clarify any further, only sighed in an annoyed way.
"Alright, alright… I know that if I say no now, Bones will come after with much less kind arguments than you, so I do accept to take a day of leave… on the condition that if there's any inconvenience or emergency aboard I will be immediately notified."
"You have my word, Captain."
Jim only nodded, a yawn interrupting any other answer he could give.
"Is there anything else, Spock?"
Spock looked at his Captain, so clearly tired and in need of sleep and relaxation but still giving his best to be professional and dedicated and thought about all the things he wished he could say to him. For an instant, Spock allowed himself to think about all the things his Human side would tell Jim, how he would like to assure him that he was not alone and that Spock would always be there to support him in everything, that Jim did not need to put on this professional mask for Spock, in how he would like to just sit by Jim's side and share his company in silence, just grateful to be in his presence.
But the Vulcan side of Spock always felt repulsed by these needs and desires that his Human half felt towards Captain Kirk. Jim was his colleague, his superior officer, and maybe even his friend - but Jim certainly was not his partner, his lover. He was not someone that Spock should offer this kind of personal and intimate comfort.
And with things being this way, Spock only shook his head.
"That will be all, Captain."
"Alright… thank you then, Mister Spock."
With a tilt of his head, Spock left Jim's quarters, managing to even resist the temptation to look back, not wishing to see the disappointment he was almost sure it would be present in his Captain's face.
X_X_X
Spock's day was passing by without any incident of any kind on those first few hours.
That was the fourth day of shore leave, and the Enterprise was making the standard orbit around the planet. Just like the past days, this was being a monotonous day and Spock was dedicating this free time to work in a few of his scientific researches, neglected during the days of constant agitation that the Enterprise had lived lately.
The biggest differential from the other days was that Jim was not on the ship.
The Captain had beamed down for his leave in the middle of the afternoon of the last day, and he should be staying on the planet for the rest of that day - Doctor's orders, and the Captain had obeyed after only a limited quantity of complaints.
Spock was hoping to have only routine on that day, but these plans were frustrated shortly after the time of lunch. Spock was sitting in the Captain's chair, supervising a few reports when Lieutenant Harris - who was replacing Lieutenant Uhura on communications while the Lieutenant took her leave - informed him that they had received a message on audio from Starfleet Command.
The message came from Admiral Maher. She was requesting the presence of the Enterprise in a nearby sector, to finish peace negotiations between two planets that had been at war for the past three years.
And while it was not a matter of live or death, the Admiral's words were quite clear - the Enterprise was to leave to the sector's direction as soon as possible.
Spock knew that such information would be frustrating to a part of the crew that was hoping for a longer time of shore leave, but he did not think that the frustration would be too broadly, considering that everyone on the ship had managed to have at least a full day of rest on the planet.
It was left to Spock to warn Jim that they needed to put themselves on the way, and so he tried to reach him by his communicator.
"Enterprise to Captain Kirk."
Static was his only answer.
"Enterprise to Captain Kirk. Please, come in."
Once again there was no answer, and Lieutenant Harris soon informed him the reason.
"There is some sort of force field blocking our communications, sir."
Spock suspected then he knew what was happening.
"A force field like the one present on the first day of shore leave, Lieutenant?"
Lieutenant Harris took a few moments to give her answer.
"I wasn't the one responsible for the communications on that day, Commander, but judging by the data I do believe it is the same force field."
That was an inconvenience about the planet; its creators always seemed to forget that the line of communications needed to remain open between ship and crew, and so they were constantly blocking their communicators.
If someone who was on the surface requested communication the block was immediately gone, but it was quite frustrating for those who were on board the ship and it was even more of an annoyance when Spock was faced with a subject that needed to be handled with urgency like this one.
"Is the transport blocked too?"
"One moment, sir... No, Commander; the transporters are fully functional."
"Tell the transport room that I will be beaming down to the same coordinates that Captain Kirk beamed down yesterday, and that they should stand by to start transporting all the crew on the surface in the next few hours."
"Yes, sir."
After saying that, Spock headed to the transport room. Jim would probably not care and maybe would even feel relief in having his leave ending sooner, but Spock did not like to be obliged to interrupt Jim's well deserved rest.
Nevertheless, orders needed to be obeyed and in that moment his orders were to get in touch with his Captain, and Spock hoped to be able to do so in the next few minutes.
X_X_X
The planet's surface was exactly like Spock remembered it being like. Wide, empty and pacific, as vast and green as his mother's planet once was, many centuries ago.
He saw on the way a few members of the crew, but he did not spoke with any of them, not wishing to intrude in their last moments of leave. Besides, it would be more convenient to warn all of them when the communications were functioning again.
It did not take long for Spock to locate Jim, since he had not strayed too far from the point he had beamed down to, and after a short walk Spock saw the Captain in a clearing nearby, sitting with his back to Spock, and so he walked towards the Captain in slow steps.
"Captain," Jim turned his attention to him in an instant "I apologize for my intromission, but there was interference with the communications again and I needed to speak with you with urgency. We were ordered to interrupt the shore leave and leave the planet immediately, since we received orders from Starfleet Command to head for a diplomatic mission, and...Captain? Are you alright?"
Spock interrupted himself when he noticed the way that Jim was looking at him. The Captain was staring at him with wide eyes, his mouth was slightly open, he was blushing furiously and he was quite frankly looking as if he was terrified.
"Spock, I… if you let me explain, I…"
But the Captain did not finish his sentence and, when Spock looked at the other side of him, he noticed who exactly was sitting beside the Captain and he at once understood Jim's embarrassment.
It seemed like Jim had some radically different desires from the ones he previously had in the last time they were on this planet and, as a result, Spock could only stare in shock at a replica of himself, who was looking at him in similar curiosity.
"Fascinating," his replica said, but Spock could not articulate an answer just yet, still observing himself closely. Jim had imagined Spock with great precision, with the exception of his clothes, since the replica was not wearing a Starfleet uniform; he was wearing instead typical Vulcan clothing, of a kind that Spock owned but had never wore in the Captain's presence.
Spock also noticed that Jim and the replica had their hands entwined in a embarrassingly intimate and unquestionable romantic gesture for a Vulcan, and Spock knew that Jim knew what that gesture meant for a Vulcan like him and, despite his best efforts, Spock felt his own face getting warm with the realization.
"I… I must return to the ship, Captain. If you excuse me…"
Jim was on his feet in an instant.
"Spock, wait! If you only let me explain…"
Spock turned to him, but it seemed like the words had left Jim again, who only looked at him in despair.
"I am afraid it is hopelessly obvious what was happening in here, Jim," the replica said, and Spock could not help but agree.
Jim still seemed in a loss for words, and Spock was sure he had never seen his Captain so paralyzed, not even in situations of life or death.
Seeing Jim like that provoked contradictory impulses in Spock. On one hand, he would wish to comfort him and replace the anguished expression on his face with a smile, but on the other hand he could not ignore the presence of his replica with Jim and the weight of all the implications it carried for both them.
And that being the case, Spock took advantage of Jim's silence and turned his back on him, walking as fast as he could and getting away from Jim's guilty eyes staring at him.
X_X_X
The days that followed the incident on the planet were hard for Spock.
Spock did not talk with anyone about those events, and he was almost certain that Jim did the same. They had not even discussed the matter between themselves.
That was Spock's choice, but Jim did try to talk with Spock about the subject. Twice Jim tried to approach the matter with him, but Spock stopped any attempt of conversation with a bluntness that surprised even him, and Jim did not try again.
The lack of mentions did not mean that the events were forgotten; the incident still hovered above them, a constant presence every time they were together in the same room. Spock was attempting to avoid remaining in Jim's presence, but during most of the time his duties demanded his presence on the bridge, and the result was a tense mood, the emotional waves being so dense that not even Spock could ignore it.
The crew also noticed, of course, but with the exception of Doctor McCoy they did not dare to make any direct comments. The Doctor tried several times to ask them about what happened, tried to even demand answers, but as far as Spock could tell, Jim did not confess him anything.
Spock was spending most of his free time meditating on his quarters, as he was doing in that moment. Meditation helped Spock, made him feel better and helped him in the task of organizing the turmoil of his thoughts.
It was a shock to have the confirmation that Jim did return his feelings, but at the same time it was not. Spock was not as ignorant about Human feelings as he liked to appear, and Jim was not always discreet in his demonstrations of affection.
No, what disturbed Spock the most was not the knowledge of these feelings, but the acknowledgment of them. Spock would be able to ignore his feelings forever, but once they both knew about these feelings - and had the certain that the other knew as well - Spock could no longer pretend that friendship was all that existed between him and Jim, not with the evidence of the contrary so present, not with so many doubts about how to proceed still existing on his mind.
Jim was his Captain and Spock was his First Officer, and just their ranks presented enough problems and were a strong incentive to have no other feelings between them but friendship. But in their case there was even more problems, huge cultural differences that they could not ignore. No, it would be foolish of Spock to even contemplate the idea of him and Jim, the idea that they could be...
But foolish or not, the images and thoughts did not leave Spock's mind - the idea of making reality all the embarrassing fantasies that he had with Jim, the idea of finally letting himself feel, in the way that he only had allowed himself to feel during his dreams and during his feverish days of pon farr.
Spock's daydreams and meditation were interrupted when the doorbell of his quarters chimed. Getting up from the floor with a sigh, Spock walked to the door and saw Jim on the other side, as if he was summoned to his door by the strength of Spock's thoughts about him.
"Spock… please let me in. I know you don't want to see me, but we need to talk. Please."
Spock knew that he could deny that request - knew he could deny it and that Jim would not impose his presence - but a part of him had tired of the constant tension between them, of the guilty and sad looks Jim threw at his direction every day. Besides, it would be illogical to continue to ignore this problem when it was clear that they needed to find some sort of understanding between them.
That being his conclusion, Spock stepped aside and let Jim in.
Jim seemed surprised that Spock had not said no again, but he walked in quickly and, without words, sat down on a chair.
Spock did the same.
"Spock, I… I wanted to apologize to you."
"Unnecessary, Captain. I am the one who should apologize for my intromission on the planet."
Jim's frustration was visible even to Spock.
"Spock, you - I don't - I didn't want to put you in such an embarrassing situation."
Jim was making his best to avoid looking Spock in the eye.
"One of the reasons I didn't want to take a leave on the planet was because I knew i wouldn't be able to control my… desires. But for you to have to actually see that, is…"
Jim went silent once again, but his eyes found Spock's this time, begging for some sort of reaction.
"Captain… I do believe it would be in our best interest to forget and ignore this incident."
There was surprise on Jim's face when Spock looked at him, so he decided to elaborate.
"I understand how difficult a situation this is, Jim. It has become harder for me to ignore my own attraction for you, but I believe this is the best course of action for us. It would be irresponsible to not consider the consequences that could befall on us if we even contemplate another option, and…"
"Wait a minute," Jim interrupted him "Ignore your attraction for me?"
For a few moments, it seemed to Spock that his body had ceased to function in the way it was supposed to, his mind shocked at the implication of Jim's words.
Was it possible that Jim had not seen what Spock also felt for him?
"Spock… does it mean that it is not just me, that you too…?"
Jim had not noticed before. Maybe he would have never noticed if Spock had not just confessed him everything, had not just made the situation between them even more difficult.
"Captain… Jim, I…"
The expression on Jim's face was no longer sad or guilty; instead, his Captain's face was now wearing an expression of hope.
"Spock, do you also feel the same? Just tell me."
Just tell him. How could Spock do that? How could he explain to Jim what he felt for him?
How could he explain to Jim the effect he had on Spock? That his smile was capable of making Spock's heart beat harder and faster, that the vision of his tears made Spock understand the primitive impulses that his people once felt, because all he wanted in those moments was destroy Jim's enemies with his bare hands? How to tell Jim that during his days of pon farr, it was more common for his blood to boil for his Captain and not for the woman he was promised to?
And how to explain to Jim how dangerous these feelings were for them both?
"What I feel is irrelevant. Jim, we must…"
"It's not irrelevant," Jim interrupted him again "Spock, why do you - why are you so ashamed of your Human half?"
Spock was sure he could not hide his surprise with the statement.
"I do not - Captain, I…"
"You once told me that you could never tell your own mother you loved her. What is it but shame, Spock?"
Jim was on his feet and by Spock's side in an instant.
"I know you are proud of being a Vulcan, and there is nothing wrong with that. But there's nothing wrong in being Human, too. Nothing wrong in having emotions. Desires. In feeling love…"
Jim's face was just inches from Spock's, but it was still a shock when Jim kissed him.
Spock tried to resist to the kiss at first, but his protests were weak and his desire was much superior, and he returned the kiss with all the fury that he spent all his time trying to repress.
When they were once again apart, they both were out of breath.
"There is nothing wrong in feeling something like this - the tone in Jim's voice was firm, refusing to take any other argument.
Even so, Spock needed to try.
"There's something very wrong in a Captain and a First Officer of the same ship behaving this way. Is reckless, Jim. It could be the end of our careers."
Doubt appeared in Jim's eyes for a moment.
"Do you think I don't know that? I'm perfectly aware of this, Spock. I know how dangerous this is, how reckless… how discreet we would have to be, how this could blow up on our faces…
But despite his anguished tone of voice, Jim smiled at him.
"But I also know I never felt for anyone half of what I feel for you, Spock. And I don't think I ever will. This feeling… I can't explain it. It's something so intense, so unique. Would it not be.. Illogical to not explore this bond between us?"
Spock knew what Jim was talking about, but it was surprising to see that Jim could recognize the bond between them so easily, recognize everything they were. T'hy'la, as the elders called it. Friend. Brother in arms. Lover. Soulmate.
But even so, there was still the harsh reality that Jim was refusing to see - the Spock was just the man he could be.
"Jim, I am a Vulcan. I am also half Human, yes, but a Vulcan is what I am. I am not an expert in emotions the way that Humans so naturally are because it simply is not the same for me. It will never be. You may not care for that right now but you may one day, and in this day I know I will hurt you."
It was only a matter of time, Spock knew that. If he surrendered himself to this feeling now, it would only be a matter of time until he was consumed by the shame for what he allowed himself to do. In this day, he knew he would run away and leave Jim behind, lost and hurt.
But Jim, as usual, refused to see reason or logic.
"Getting hurt is part of life as a Human, Spock. It would not be the same without it. For certain people, certain situations… it's worth taking the chance."
When Jim kissed him this time Spock was ready and, against his best judgment, kissed him back and put his arms around him, bringing him close to him.
Spock knew that he and Jim were making a mistake, knew that this joy he felt inside one day would become bitter memories for both of them and he knew that, being the logical one between the two, he should put a stop to it immediately, before they could get even more involved.
But for once in his life Spock decided to ignore his Vulcan half and hear his Human side, surrendering himself to the sensations of the moment.
THE END
A.N.²: The title is 100% random like most of my titles and comes from the song Road to Ruin by The Libertines, because I was listening to this while finishing the fic.
Thank you for reading! Comments are most welcome and makes the author happy.