Beast Boy would like to say that he was many things. A hero being the first and foremost, then a lady killer. Other words he would use to describe himself would be, a member of the Teen Titans, resident cassanova of Jump City, a vegan, a stud, a comedian, a babe magnet, animal lover, a lady lover, and a video game, and comic book aficionado as well as a movie buff.
That was, of course, Beast Boy's view of himself, were one to ask the rest of his team, they would, naturally, perhaps after some prodding in most cases, tell you that he was as competent as one might expect from a Titan.
Naturally, this is before we get into what they might say before prodding, a member like Cyborg would refer to him as a grass-stain, who sucks at games. Cyborg considered Beast Boy his best friend, and, as men are wont to do with one another, he loved teasing his friend. Whether that be through making light of his veganism, or his height, or smell, didn't really matter, so long as he could make fun of his friend, he was fine.
Someone like Raven, on the other hand, while not shying away from mentioning his competence, would bury such a statement under a mountain of other remarks about him. Remarks that mostly tended to include the words, stupid, annoying, idiot, and unfunny, as well as a slew of synonyms for such terms.
Robin, would, naturally give a concise and professional statement, making sure to mention that it's all a team effort, and that every member contributes in their own special way, and Starfire would likely mention what a good person he was, making sure to highlight just how much she thought of the green changeling.
Of course, such thoughts did not matter now, because at the moment, Beast Boy was not with his team, he was, as a matter of fact far away form them, one might even be daring enough to say that he was actually, very far away from his team. While his team was helping the likes of Aqualad with some Atlantean business. The Changeling was, at the moment, in the middle of Jump City fending off an army of demons spilling out of a portal on top of Titan's Tower.
Despite the fact that his team was nowhere near the city, he was not alone. He had Tamaranean support. That is to say, he had the support of a Tamaranean. Not the redheaded princess who made Titans Tower her home, no, it was none other than her sister. The dark haired Blackfire.
"X'hal Damnit!" She growled, as she took a hit to her shoulder. It didn't do any real damage, but it did sting.
Violet beams violently shooting out of her eyes and eradicating a column of the attacking ethereal invaders, she turned to face the resident shapeshifter. "How do we stop this?" She asked.
He squinted as though he were coming up with a solution. 'Man, I seriously wish I hadn't flushed myself down the toilet today.' He thought.
It was at that very moment that a massive fifteen foot tall demon landed on the ground in front of him, letting out a roar. Gray skin marred by glowing red runes going from its cloven feet, to the malefic talons comprising its hands, to its massive pockmarked leathery wings, all the way from the base of its spade tail to its curved ram like horns. "I am your god now! Bring me your virgins!" it screamed as it charged at the green man.
There was a record scratch, and the image of Beast Boy being charged at by a demon froze. The song Baba O'Riley by The Who emanated from seemingly nowhere.
Beast Boy's voice could be heard "Yep, that's me if you're wondering." He said. "You're probably wondering how I got into this mess."
He thought back to how this all started. His toilet had a particularly loose flush valve, something he'd been asking Cyborg to fix for weeks now, and he was seated upon it, using it and playing with a handball. The rest of his team left earlier leaving him behind because they needed someone to keep an eye on things. 'Maybe this'll be easier if I shift into something small, like a monkey or a snail or a hamster or something,' he said.
He bounced the handball particularly hard against the wall, he liked the echo noise it produced in the bathroom. He kept bouncing it, and after a particularly hard throw, shifted into a sparrow, hoping that it would be easier to void his bowels given that sparrow waste is primarily uric acid based.
Naturally, the moment he shifted, the ball hit him, knocking him into the toilet, bounced back off the wall, and against the flush valve. Letting out an indignant squawk, he tried to shift into another form, but he was already in the pipes, and being forced rapidly into the plumbing system of the tower.
Seeing no better alternative, the green boy shifted into a goldfish and swam whichever way the pipes took him, going along with the flow of filthy, used toilet water. America being a first world country, despite how horrible California, a coastal state that managed to undergo a drought must be, he ended up in the sewers.
Shifting out of fish form and into human form, he sputtered and coughed. "Oh dude! Nasty, my mouth was open!" He exclaimed. He tried to remove whatever filth it was that covered him, furiously brushing away and patting down the entirely of his body, his animal grooming instincts driving him crazy.
To most humans, a sewer is a nasty place, filled with nasty smells. To the likes of Beast Boy, someone with enhanced senses of smell, sight and hearing, it was outright abhorrent. Aside from the countless animal instincts urging him to groom himself, his location didn't just smell like a sewer, it smelled like the worst sewer imaginable. He could actually smell what some people had for lunch. This being California, the stench of avocado permeated everything, giving everything that slight odor, in addition to the stench of feces, urine, and death, that was present.
His first instinct was, naturally, to find a way out of where he was. Shifting into a rat, who's whiskers and eyes would be better suited to navigating the enclosed, low light conditions, he was in, he began traversing the filth encrusted and smelly domain.
It was hours before he found his way to a storm drain. There was a guy dressed as a clown, standing in front of it. Well, half dressed as a clown at the very least, he was naked from the waist down. The balloon animal between his legs inflated and not particularly intimidating. He seemed to be speaking to a child standing near the grate.
The clown twitched "Hey, hey kid, come closer, want to see some magic?" He asked, speaking to the little boy.
"N-not really," a small brunette boy with a bowl cut said.
"Hey, kid. Hey look, I've got balloons and everything," The clown said pulling out a red balloon from his rear cheeks and sticking the contents of the balloon into his breast pocket before blowing into it.
"I can make balloon animals and paper boats and stuff kid, come on, don't you want to see?" He asked.
"Not really," The kid said
"Listen, kid, I've got ice cream floats and puppies down here, all you have to do is come, I'll give you a puppy for free, I'm your uncle kid, I know your dad, he wanted me to do this, I swear." The clown replied
"My dad said that if anyone says he's my uncle, I should go get him, to make sure," the boy returned, suspiciously.
Beast Boy decided that now would be a good time to interject, shifting into a silverback gorilla, he tapped the clown on the shoulder. Waiting for the pervert to turn around, he punched him in the dick, eliciting a high pitched squeak, and elbowed him in the nose, knocking him out.
Shifting back into a human he looked up at the boy and spoke, "Hey, kid, do you know who I am?" He asked.
"Yeah, I've seen you before, you're that guy on that superhero team!"The boy beamed.
Beast Boy, in turn, smugly grinned to himself.
"Green Lantern!" The boy exclaimed.
Beast Boy's self esteem broke that instant. "What?" he asked "How could you even get to that conclusion?"
"You're the green guy superhero on a team" the boy said, "That means you're green lantern!"
Beast Boy just looked at the kid he probably stopped from getting molested with dead eyes. 'I should have left you to the clown' he thought.
"No kid, I'm beast Boy, from the Titans?" He said, shifting back into a gorilla and popping the storm drain open, he crawled out and pulled the clown with him. Placing the grating back.
Storm drains being intended as a permanent fixture, this did nothing to assuage the damage already done to the cement of the sidewalk as a result of his escape.
"Oh, right," the boy said, smiling smugly, "I remember you, here, thanks for being such a hero to Jump." The boy said, giving the green shapeshifter a sticker. A white circle with four black wedges cut out of it.
"Uhh, thanks." Beast Boy replied, taking the sticker. Not wanting to insult the boy, the peeled it off the waxy paper backing it had and applied it to the cleanest part of his body, his forehead.
Thankfully, a police officer was patrolling nearby, and once Beast Boy explained the situation, Took the clown away. Beast boy opted to walk around looking for a clean body of water he could jump into like a pond in a public par, finding one eventually.
He jumps in and starts cleaning himself off, transforming into a fish, then an octopus, and as many aquatic forms as he can manage. Eventually he felt that he was clean enough to leave the pond he was in.
The sun was setting, bathing everything in an orange glow. Shortly after leaving the pond, beast boy was called out to by a hooded man. The hood obscured the top half of his face, leaving only his mouth, which was curled into a wolf's grin, visible. Suspicious, because the man looked anything but trustworthy, Beast Boy carefully approached him.
"Hey! BB my main man, how's it hanging?" The man asked, waving.
"Uh, dude, I don't mean to be rude, but do I know you?" He replied.
"No, you don't, but I know you!" The man returned. "Look, I'm gonna be honest, you are like the best hero ever on your team, it just burns my ass that you don't get the recognition you deserve!" The man exclaimed, a knowing smirk on his face.
"Dude, I don't do it for the fame or anything like that, I do it cause that's what heroes do." Beast Boy returned nonchalantly.
The man frowned "That, that right there is what I'm talking about, look at you, downplaying all the good shit you do, you deserve good things too," The man said, pointing at the shapeshifter repeatedly as he said so.
'That kid did think I was Green Lantern,' the Changeling thought to himself.
"Anyways, look, it's not much, but I want you to have this," he said, pulling out what looked like a metallic Rubix Cube with a black circle with four wedges on the center white square. "This is a magical Rubix Cube, and will open up a realm of infinite possibilities and wonders to the man who can solve it." He finished, sticking the cube out with his hand, offering it to California's greenest.
Beast Boy smirked, then snorted once before he grabbed the cube. "Uhh, sure man, thanks a lot, it's always nice to meet a fan, anyways, I've gotta jet, there's some urgent hero business I've got to take care of." Beast Boy replied, waving before shifting into a bald eagle, and flying away.
By flying, what might have been a long trip across Jump City took the Changeling less than an hour. Landing on top of the Titan's Tower, he took a moment to more carefully observe the Rubix Cube in his hands.
"Magical Cube, yeah right." Garfield laughed to himself. "That was probably just some homeless dude either drunk or tripping on something."
Of course, the moment he tried to actually play with the Rubix Cube is the moment it proceeded to quickly solve itself. One twist of the cube led to the cube automatically spinning its sides until it reached a normal looking configuration for a Rubix Cube that had been played with by a person who had no idea to solve it. The circle on the white square was, bizarrely, protruding out.
The instant Beast Boy pressed down on it, it cut him and the drop of blood that came out of his thumb caused the cube to begin slowly floating upwards and rapidly spinning. It emitted a blinding flash and a deafening bang, disorienting him.
By the time Beast Boy got the stars out of his eyes, and the ringing out of his ears, there was an abnormally tall, ghostly pale woman, in a full leather ensemble standing in front of him, holding the cube. If there were two prominent features to her, they would be that first, she was completely bald, there was no hair on her head whatsoever, including eyebrows and that second, the entirety of her head had pins sticking out of it. There was a third, VERY prominent feature of course, that being the massive, massive, MASSIVE black floppy strapon she was wearing.
"Who solved my puzzle?" She boomed, her strapon swaying as she spoke.
"It wasn't me! It was the one armed man!" Beast Boy cried out eyeing the crotch level protrusion.
The Pin Faced woman simply arced her eyebrow, which, while hairless, still consisted of mutilated skin and muscles. She knew damn well who it was that "Solved" the cube, but the instant she saw the sticker on his forehead, she dropped it
"Dude! My cube! Beast Boy cried out, grabbing his fallen toy. "Who are you?"
"I am Pinslut! And thanks to your meddling, I can bring a world of new sensations to this realm once more! And thanks to your machinations, green one, I will choose you to be the first of my victims." She said, licking her lips and advancing towards the shapeshifter slowly. The strapon swaying hypnotically.
Beast Boy's eyes widened and he grabbed the cube, sticking it in one of the compartments on his belt, changed into a falcon and flew off. While he had no doubt that he could defeat the pin faced woman, he was off put by the appendage between her legs, strapon aside, something about her just unsettled the shapeshifter. As he turned his head to look behind, he could see her opening a fiery looking portal, and what looked like an army of demons pouring out of it.
"I WANT THAT BOOTY!" Pinslut cried as she saw Beast Boy flying off.
'Shit' He thought to himself.
Beast Boy was brought out of his reminiscing by a hard slap across his right cheek. Blackfire grabbed him and pulled him into the ruins of a destroyed store, taking cover behind the counter.
"BB, I need you to focus for me, okay?" Blackfire said. Despite the fact that she'd snapped moments prior, she quickly returned to her confident, cool, and collected persona.
Beast Boy thought back to how this all started and he realized that the cube in his belt was the key to all this. "Okay, I'm not too sure about this, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment." he said as he reached into his belt pulling out the cube.
Blackfire looked at the cube with a mixture of disgust and confusion.
"Do you uh, know how to solve one of these things?" Beast Boy asked, "I never could get the hang of them as a kid."
"I don't even know WHAT that is." Blackfire scoffed.
"All you have to do it rotate the squares until all the colors on all the faces match, he said, handing her the cube.
To his surprise, Blackfire actually seriously tried to solve the cube, her tongue sticking cutely out of the side of her mouth, and her brows lightly furrowing, she slowly grew frustrated as her mind, enhanced by Earth's sunlight and trained by the brightest Tamaran had to offer could do little against the startling complexity of a Rubix Cube.
Of course, Beast Boy was so enthralled by the sight of Blackfire actually giving a shit about a magic Rubix cube, that neither of the heroes, (and villain in Blackfire's case) noticed the demonic army building up around the store they were hiding in.
"Fuck!" Blackfire called out, "I can't do it! Everytime I get one side, another gets screwed! It's impossible!" She cried.
Pinsluts voice rang out in the distance. "I found you cunts!" She screamed. "Get ready greenie, cuz your ass is grass and I'm the mower" She called out. The demonic army could be easily heard at this point.
"You know," Beast Boy began, "I didn't want to have to do this, but I guess I've got no other choice. Whenever I played with a Rubix Cube as a kid, I could never solve them either, but I figured out this really cool trick." He said with a grin.
"You mean you could have done this all this time and we wouldn't have had to deal with any of this?" Blackfire spat, her eyes glowing violet violently.
Beast Boy raised his hands in a placating gesture "Look, I didn't think the cube was the solution to this until recently, alright? Anyways, I need you to stall them." He calmly said.
Blackfire snorted and then stood up blasting starbolt after starbolt out of her hands, firing them at a rate comparable to a modern machine gun. Of course, them exploding on impact and vaporizing anything that got hit directly meant that they were slightly more effective at crowd control than a machine gun.
Beast Boy proceeded to peel off all the stickers from the cube and rearrange them. It was a slow process, especially given that he didn't want to damage the stickers out of fear that doing so might make the situation irreparable. Moments later, he was almost done, needing only to replace one last sticker, the one with the circle and wedges.
Of course, it was at this critical time, that none other than Pinslut came in through the door, tanking a series of direct hits from Blackfire's starbolts. Before she could say anything, Blackfire was slapped in the face by the strapon. The blow hit her hard enough to send her through multiple walls, knocking her out.
Beast Boy turned to look at the commotion and was greeted with the sight of a strapon flopping about in front of him.
"I got your ass now!" Pinslut began "You know you fucked up, right?" She pelvic trusted and right before his eyes, the strapon morphed into a gargantuan penis. "WRYYY!" She screamed.
'Nopenopenope.' Beast Boy thought as he slapped the last sticker down.
It was at that moment that the cube began floating, glowing brightly, and emitting a vortex that proceeded to suck every last demon in.
"Damn you Green Lantern! I will have that ass! I swear it! Even if it takes a millenia or two THAT ASS WILL BE MINE!" She cried out as she was slowly dragged back into whatever hell dimension she and all the other demons came from.
"Goddamnit! Not again!" Beast Boy cried out.
Author's note
Guys, please leave a review if you're able to, I'm trying to improve my writing, and I can't if I don't know what I'm doing wrong.