Disclaimer: Don't own the X-Men, just love them.
Author's Note: This is post-Apocalypse and somewhat of an AU.
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The girl lay sprawled over the polished marble floor, brown hair splayed out in all directions, covering her face. The effort to outrun a host of friends worried by her erratic behavior had caused her to collapse, but she was alone now. Breathing heavily, she looked around. The chamber she found herself in was huge, and cloaked in darkness. Feeble light from a pale moon ebbed through windows allowing shadows to elongate themselves around her.
There was just enough light for her to do what she needed. So she removed the blade from the folds of her robe and eagerly pressed it against her skin. A thin dark line appeared as the blade easily parted the skin. She sighed in relief. She had needed this so badly, for so long. This wasn't the first time she had released the pain this way, but the old scars had long since faded into her immortal skin over the centuries. She had tried to let the pain escape in other ways; by not eating, running until she collapsed, even by drinking poison. But this was the only way that could bring the release so effectively. When the pain becomes almost unbearably strong, even a slight lessening of it will feel like bliss. And this bliss was the only bliss she could feel. Building up the physical pain and feeling it slowly ebb away was like tasting heaven. And she needed that taste of heaven, though it was mere imitation, because she lived in hell.
The blade was sharp and her creamy white skin yielded easily beneath it. She used the blade methodically, cutting equally sized lines at regular intervals along her pale arm. She knew that she was cutting more than she ever had, but it had been so long and she knew she would heal and, until then, a robe would hide the flaws. The physical flaws. She knew nothing could so easily cover the mental flaws. To cover those took painstakingly careful study of those who are normal, and their behavior, and a diligent student such as she could use the information to recreate a meaningless veil to hide the hideously deformed creature beneath the mask.
She finished her work with a shallow slice to either side of her neck and began to carefully lick her blood from the blade. This was always how she ended the calming ritual. So busy was she with the blade and the familiar taste of her own blood that she failed to notice the faint sound from the hallway. She only noticed when the door opened and a figure stood illuminated by the candle that they held in doorway. She dropped the blade from her hand and covered her face with her hands, willing the figure away unsuccessfully. The figure in the doorway spoke, " Kitty, what are you doing?"
"Leave me, Lance." she whispered, silently begging him to come no closer. Lance did not leave; instead he joined Kitty on the floor and covered her with a comforting arm.
"Kitty, I know you've been cutting yourself again," he whispered as he soothingly caressed the broken flesh on Kitty's arm. "You will never tell me why, will you?" he asked. Kitty began crying again now, and Lance gently coaxed the shuddering girl's head onto his lap and stroked the silky light brown hair, detecting traces of blood. "Kitty, where have you been cutting? I can feel the blood in your hair, you haven't been cutting your neck, have you? Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to see you do that?" The last statement caused Kitty's to sob more hopelessly than before and the pitiful sobs racked at her, causing tears to fall silently down her own face. "Kitty, please talk to me, please, I can't stand to see you so upset, just tell me what it is that pains you so and I will fix it! I will do anything for you, but you have to tell me, please, anything, whatever it is, I can't stand you keeping me out!"
.
FLASHBACK A YEAR:
.
The ocean was beautiful as it radiated behind the Xavier mansion . It was almost ironic that nature had chosen that evening to reveal herself in all her magnificence. Waves broke rhythmically over the sand and the lights of the city reflected gaily onto the water. A crescent moon hung high in the sky, twinkling stars gathered round like peasants paying tribute to their queen.
Two figures walked in silence down the long stretch of sandy beach. One pensive, lost in thought as he stared at the waves while his companion was near bursting with the pleasure of being in his company.
"Oh Lance, isn't it like beautiful?" Kitty asked in a hushed whisper, throwing her arms wide as if to embrace the night. Lance smiled, though it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"There's nothing like the beach at night." He agreed softly. She turned her face up to his, her doe brown eyes holding tiny crescent moons imprisoned in their depths, curved lips smiling brilliantly. He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. How he wished he could paint that look permanently on her face. How he'd like to give her what had put that look there even more. But it wasn't to be.
"Kitty…" He hadn't a clue of how to tell her.
"What is it?" Her smile stayed in place, the corners of her lips turning up even more in her confidence of what he'd say. He flinched inwardly. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't know who'd helped her get the thought into her head, but if he found out, he'd make it a point to strangle them at the most opportune moment.
"It's just that… Well… there's something I have to tell you."
"There… is?" The breathless anticipation in her voice made him flinch physically and he fluently cursed whoever it was that had gotten her hopes so high.
"Well, it's just that Tabitha and I…" He tried in vain to swallow the lump in his throat, but he felt as if his guilt was trying to choke him. Kitty's eyes widened eagerness.
"Yes?"
"Kitty… The past two years have been great. Really, we've been the best of friends. But…" For the first time since he'd asked if he could speak to her alone, he saw her confident smile falter. "Kitty, I'm real sorry if you think I led you on, but… the truth is that I love Tabitha Smith and we're going to be married." He held his eyes closed for several seconds, hoping cowardly, that she would laugh it off. Say something like: "You don't need to tell me that, I knew all along, it was obvious." But he heard nothing, and he opened his eyes to find hers staring up at him.
Her face, even in the slight moonlight, was paler than it had been moments before, her brown eyes like two giant saucers. Her mouth hung open in disbelief and she was so tense he could see the muscles in her neck and shoulders rigid beneath her skin.
He felt like a jerk. Like he'd taken advantage of her somehow, when he knew perfectly well that he hadn't.
"But-but I thought that you and her were…finished…?" She stuttered and trailed off, her voice a hollow, empty sound that made him feel even guiltier.
"We'd gotten into a fight and she left." He admitted, attempting an explanation. "I care about you Kitty, you're my friend, and you were there for me while she was gone, I probably would have gone under if it hadn't been for you. But she came back yesterday and we just clicked like we were back in the Brotherhood. I love her." He finished humbly, willing her to understand.
"So I was just… a substitute." The statement, spoken with such calm and composure, threw him off balance for a moment. He wasn't sure if he'd understood what she'd said. When he did, his reply was vehement.
"No! God no!" He reached out and grabbed her by the shoulders, barely restraining the urge to shake her. "You're my friend Kitty! You were there for me. You kept me from drinking myself into a stupor every night. I love you for that. But I love Tabitha more. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
Her eyes weren't quite as wide as they'd been, but if anything, her face was paler and she was twice as tense. She nodded her head and slowly removed his hands from her person.
"I understand, Lance." She answered him clearly, the very coolness of her words distressing him. She placed her hands on her upper arms and turned away. "It's getting cold outside, I think I'll go home now. I'll see you around, Lance." She walked away from him, her head held high, her shoulders stiff, her back ramrod straight. Her silhouette fading as she put more and more distance between them.
His first impulse was to run after her, force her to realized what he was trying to say. But there was really nothing else he could say that hadn't already been said. She was special to him, even if she would never be his lover, but she just couldn't seem to accept that.
She felt cold inside, that was the only way to describe it. A chilling feeling that permeated her being and caused her to shudder so violently that she feared she'd never make it to her apartment.
She'd thought something special was growing between them, something that might one day lead to a wedding ring and children and happily ever after. But he'd only been using her as a stand-in until his true love returned. Humiliation sat like a rock in her stomach. He'd called her away to speak to her about it privately which meant he must have known how she felt. That was the worst part. Not only that he was getting married to someone who wasn't her, but that he knew that she loved him to distraction. She couldn't just laugh it off, smile and nod like a mindless idiot and pretend that nothing was wrong.
If she was so transparent that Lance had discovered her feelings, would everyone else know as well? Would they cast her pitying looks and express their sympathy at her situation? At that moment she wanted nothing more to sink through the sand she was walking on. The humiliation was not to be borne. She'd die if that happened. Just the idea that all her friends must know how she felt about Lance made her afraid to show her face. What could she do?
Her pride was the only thing she had left. She'd be damned if she'd lock herself away like some silly chit wasting away from unrequited love. Even if she was. She would show them! Kitty wasn't going to slink away like a kicked pup with her tail between her legs. She'd show them how strong a Pryde could be!
But, she realized with a sinking heart, it would all be an act. Everything had gone dull now that Lance wouldn't be there everyday for her to jump up and run to. For the past two weeks she had woken with a smile on her face and words of joy spewing forth from her mouth until Kurt, who'd been quite smitten with Tabitha before her relationship with Lance and still brooding over her, had threatened to tape her mouth shut.
She felt empty she realized as she opened her apartment door. Like a body without a soul. Without emotion or any kind of sensation. If it wasn't for the movement of her feet, she would have entertained the thought that maybe she had died. That's what she felt like. Death. As if the life had drain away when the love of her life had uttered those three fatal words. I love Tabitha.
There was no life in her. No will to live. If she'd been the suicidal type, she fancied she'd be seriously contemplating a fall from her balcony. But the thought of her body, broken and twisted, lying spread-eagled on the pavement six stories below made her knees week with repulsion. Just because she felt like dying didn't mean she really wanted to. The thought of no longer living scared her. Even if she lived her life in an oblivion of her own making didn't mean she wanted to end it! No sir, not her. She'd live her life as long as she could. But whether she actually lived or just existed was something she'd have to deal with later, she was just to tired that night.
She decided then and there, as she slipped out of her clothes and climbed numbly into bed, going through the motions only because it was routine; that oblivion didn't sound so bad. No one could hurt you if you just didn't care. She would live her life without emotional ties. Oh, she'd still have her friends of course, but one day they might hurt her as well. She couldn't have that. From that night forward, the only person she would love was herself. Herself and Oblivion.
.
BACK TO THE PRESENT:
.
...Kitty wouldn't answer. The next thing Kitty was aware of was being pushed onto the floor and being kissed by Lance. Kitty's heart nearly stopped, she was now very sure just who Lance loved. Lance's body was pressed so hard against her own that she could feel every muscle pressed against her skin, and could feel the thudding beat of Lance's heart against her own. Kitty changed their position so she lay on top of Lance and broke the kiss. "You love me don't you?" she asked. Lance nodded and Kitty felt her soul with true bliss - not the pain induced kind to which she was accustomed. Lance wriggled from under her and sat beside her, then he pressed his lips against the still bleeding cut on Kitty's neck. Kitty cried out in pleasure, the gentle sensation of his tongue on the wound was so good that she let out a small moan of pleasure. Lance tasted Kitty's blood on his tongue, but was determined to leave her neck clean. He moved to the other cut, feeling Kitty's hand burry itself in his hair. When Kitty kissed Lance again, she could taste her own blood in his mouth, but was not deterred and began to unfasten the buckle on the front of Lance's belt. Lance smiled, and let her, and they both began to experience the things they had only dreamt of doing to each other.
""""""""""""""END"""""""""""""""""""""
Author's Note: This is post-Apocalypse and somewhat of an AU.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
The girl lay sprawled over the polished marble floor, brown hair splayed out in all directions, covering her face. The effort to outrun a host of friends worried by her erratic behavior had caused her to collapse, but she was alone now. Breathing heavily, she looked around. The chamber she found herself in was huge, and cloaked in darkness. Feeble light from a pale moon ebbed through windows allowing shadows to elongate themselves around her.
There was just enough light for her to do what she needed. So she removed the blade from the folds of her robe and eagerly pressed it against her skin. A thin dark line appeared as the blade easily parted the skin. She sighed in relief. She had needed this so badly, for so long. This wasn't the first time she had released the pain this way, but the old scars had long since faded into her immortal skin over the centuries. She had tried to let the pain escape in other ways; by not eating, running until she collapsed, even by drinking poison. But this was the only way that could bring the release so effectively. When the pain becomes almost unbearably strong, even a slight lessening of it will feel like bliss. And this bliss was the only bliss she could feel. Building up the physical pain and feeling it slowly ebb away was like tasting heaven. And she needed that taste of heaven, though it was mere imitation, because she lived in hell.
The blade was sharp and her creamy white skin yielded easily beneath it. She used the blade methodically, cutting equally sized lines at regular intervals along her pale arm. She knew that she was cutting more than she ever had, but it had been so long and she knew she would heal and, until then, a robe would hide the flaws. The physical flaws. She knew nothing could so easily cover the mental flaws. To cover those took painstakingly careful study of those who are normal, and their behavior, and a diligent student such as she could use the information to recreate a meaningless veil to hide the hideously deformed creature beneath the mask.
She finished her work with a shallow slice to either side of her neck and began to carefully lick her blood from the blade. This was always how she ended the calming ritual. So busy was she with the blade and the familiar taste of her own blood that she failed to notice the faint sound from the hallway. She only noticed when the door opened and a figure stood illuminated by the candle that they held in doorway. She dropped the blade from her hand and covered her face with her hands, willing the figure away unsuccessfully. The figure in the doorway spoke, " Kitty, what are you doing?"
"Leave me, Lance." she whispered, silently begging him to come no closer. Lance did not leave; instead he joined Kitty on the floor and covered her with a comforting arm.
"Kitty, I know you've been cutting yourself again," he whispered as he soothingly caressed the broken flesh on Kitty's arm. "You will never tell me why, will you?" he asked. Kitty began crying again now, and Lance gently coaxed the shuddering girl's head onto his lap and stroked the silky light brown hair, detecting traces of blood. "Kitty, where have you been cutting? I can feel the blood in your hair, you haven't been cutting your neck, have you? Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to see you do that?" The last statement caused Kitty's to sob more hopelessly than before and the pitiful sobs racked at her, causing tears to fall silently down her own face. "Kitty, please talk to me, please, I can't stand to see you so upset, just tell me what it is that pains you so and I will fix it! I will do anything for you, but you have to tell me, please, anything, whatever it is, I can't stand you keeping me out!"
.
FLASHBACK A YEAR:
.
The ocean was beautiful as it radiated behind the Xavier mansion . It was almost ironic that nature had chosen that evening to reveal herself in all her magnificence. Waves broke rhythmically over the sand and the lights of the city reflected gaily onto the water. A crescent moon hung high in the sky, twinkling stars gathered round like peasants paying tribute to their queen.
Two figures walked in silence down the long stretch of sandy beach. One pensive, lost in thought as he stared at the waves while his companion was near bursting with the pleasure of being in his company.
"Oh Lance, isn't it like beautiful?" Kitty asked in a hushed whisper, throwing her arms wide as if to embrace the night. Lance smiled, though it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"There's nothing like the beach at night." He agreed softly. She turned her face up to his, her doe brown eyes holding tiny crescent moons imprisoned in their depths, curved lips smiling brilliantly. He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. How he wished he could paint that look permanently on her face. How he'd like to give her what had put that look there even more. But it wasn't to be.
"Kitty…" He hadn't a clue of how to tell her.
"What is it?" Her smile stayed in place, the corners of her lips turning up even more in her confidence of what he'd say. He flinched inwardly. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't know who'd helped her get the thought into her head, but if he found out, he'd make it a point to strangle them at the most opportune moment.
"It's just that… Well… there's something I have to tell you."
"There… is?" The breathless anticipation in her voice made him flinch physically and he fluently cursed whoever it was that had gotten her hopes so high.
"Well, it's just that Tabitha and I…" He tried in vain to swallow the lump in his throat, but he felt as if his guilt was trying to choke him. Kitty's eyes widened eagerness.
"Yes?"
"Kitty… The past two years have been great. Really, we've been the best of friends. But…" For the first time since he'd asked if he could speak to her alone, he saw her confident smile falter. "Kitty, I'm real sorry if you think I led you on, but… the truth is that I love Tabitha Smith and we're going to be married." He held his eyes closed for several seconds, hoping cowardly, that she would laugh it off. Say something like: "You don't need to tell me that, I knew all along, it was obvious." But he heard nothing, and he opened his eyes to find hers staring up at him.
Her face, even in the slight moonlight, was paler than it had been moments before, her brown eyes like two giant saucers. Her mouth hung open in disbelief and she was so tense he could see the muscles in her neck and shoulders rigid beneath her skin.
He felt like a jerk. Like he'd taken advantage of her somehow, when he knew perfectly well that he hadn't.
"But-but I thought that you and her were…finished…?" She stuttered and trailed off, her voice a hollow, empty sound that made him feel even guiltier.
"We'd gotten into a fight and she left." He admitted, attempting an explanation. "I care about you Kitty, you're my friend, and you were there for me while she was gone, I probably would have gone under if it hadn't been for you. But she came back yesterday and we just clicked like we were back in the Brotherhood. I love her." He finished humbly, willing her to understand.
"So I was just… a substitute." The statement, spoken with such calm and composure, threw him off balance for a moment. He wasn't sure if he'd understood what she'd said. When he did, his reply was vehement.
"No! God no!" He reached out and grabbed her by the shoulders, barely restraining the urge to shake her. "You're my friend Kitty! You were there for me. You kept me from drinking myself into a stupor every night. I love you for that. But I love Tabitha more. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
Her eyes weren't quite as wide as they'd been, but if anything, her face was paler and she was twice as tense. She nodded her head and slowly removed his hands from her person.
"I understand, Lance." She answered him clearly, the very coolness of her words distressing him. She placed her hands on her upper arms and turned away. "It's getting cold outside, I think I'll go home now. I'll see you around, Lance." She walked away from him, her head held high, her shoulders stiff, her back ramrod straight. Her silhouette fading as she put more and more distance between them.
His first impulse was to run after her, force her to realized what he was trying to say. But there was really nothing else he could say that hadn't already been said. She was special to him, even if she would never be his lover, but she just couldn't seem to accept that.
She felt cold inside, that was the only way to describe it. A chilling feeling that permeated her being and caused her to shudder so violently that she feared she'd never make it to her apartment.
She'd thought something special was growing between them, something that might one day lead to a wedding ring and children and happily ever after. But he'd only been using her as a stand-in until his true love returned. Humiliation sat like a rock in her stomach. He'd called her away to speak to her about it privately which meant he must have known how she felt. That was the worst part. Not only that he was getting married to someone who wasn't her, but that he knew that she loved him to distraction. She couldn't just laugh it off, smile and nod like a mindless idiot and pretend that nothing was wrong.
If she was so transparent that Lance had discovered her feelings, would everyone else know as well? Would they cast her pitying looks and express their sympathy at her situation? At that moment she wanted nothing more to sink through the sand she was walking on. The humiliation was not to be borne. She'd die if that happened. Just the idea that all her friends must know how she felt about Lance made her afraid to show her face. What could she do?
Her pride was the only thing she had left. She'd be damned if she'd lock herself away like some silly chit wasting away from unrequited love. Even if she was. She would show them! Kitty wasn't going to slink away like a kicked pup with her tail between her legs. She'd show them how strong a Pryde could be!
But, she realized with a sinking heart, it would all be an act. Everything had gone dull now that Lance wouldn't be there everyday for her to jump up and run to. For the past two weeks she had woken with a smile on her face and words of joy spewing forth from her mouth until Kurt, who'd been quite smitten with Tabitha before her relationship with Lance and still brooding over her, had threatened to tape her mouth shut.
She felt empty she realized as she opened her apartment door. Like a body without a soul. Without emotion or any kind of sensation. If it wasn't for the movement of her feet, she would have entertained the thought that maybe she had died. That's what she felt like. Death. As if the life had drain away when the love of her life had uttered those three fatal words. I love Tabitha.
There was no life in her. No will to live. If she'd been the suicidal type, she fancied she'd be seriously contemplating a fall from her balcony. But the thought of her body, broken and twisted, lying spread-eagled on the pavement six stories below made her knees week with repulsion. Just because she felt like dying didn't mean she really wanted to. The thought of no longer living scared her. Even if she lived her life in an oblivion of her own making didn't mean she wanted to end it! No sir, not her. She'd live her life as long as she could. But whether she actually lived or just existed was something she'd have to deal with later, she was just to tired that night.
She decided then and there, as she slipped out of her clothes and climbed numbly into bed, going through the motions only because it was routine; that oblivion didn't sound so bad. No one could hurt you if you just didn't care. She would live her life without emotional ties. Oh, she'd still have her friends of course, but one day they might hurt her as well. She couldn't have that. From that night forward, the only person she would love was herself. Herself and Oblivion.
.
BACK TO THE PRESENT:
.
...Kitty wouldn't answer. The next thing Kitty was aware of was being pushed onto the floor and being kissed by Lance. Kitty's heart nearly stopped, she was now very sure just who Lance loved. Lance's body was pressed so hard against her own that she could feel every muscle pressed against her skin, and could feel the thudding beat of Lance's heart against her own. Kitty changed their position so she lay on top of Lance and broke the kiss. "You love me don't you?" she asked. Lance nodded and Kitty felt her soul with true bliss - not the pain induced kind to which she was accustomed. Lance wriggled from under her and sat beside her, then he pressed his lips against the still bleeding cut on Kitty's neck. Kitty cried out in pleasure, the gentle sensation of his tongue on the wound was so good that she let out a small moan of pleasure. Lance tasted Kitty's blood on his tongue, but was determined to leave her neck clean. He moved to the other cut, feeling Kitty's hand burry itself in his hair. When Kitty kissed Lance again, she could taste her own blood in his mouth, but was not deterred and began to unfasten the buckle on the front of Lance's belt. Lance smiled, and let her, and they both began to experience the things they had only dreamt of doing to each other.
""""""""""""""END"""""""""""""""""""""