TWO AND A HALF MEN
Of course he's dead – an alternate version
ACT ONE – Duckie was underappreciated
It was Alan's big day, his wedding day. It was Walden's big day as well, the day Alan was finally going to move out of the beach house. Alan Harper had been living in the Malibu beach house, rent free, since his brother, Charlie, had let him and his ten-year-old son Jake temporarily move there 12 years ago. When Charlie passed away 8 years later, the home was left to Alan who, because of his poor financial state, couldn't afford to maintain the property and was forced to sell. Alan was hoping the sale would at least allow him to solve his money problems but it was discovered that Charlie had taken several mortgages out on the property to support his own lavish lifestyle. The sale, it turns out, would barely cover the debt owed and the commission of the listing real estate agent, who happened to be the boys' mother, Evelyn. So the home was purchased by tech billionaire Walden Schmidt who was emotionally distraught and suicidal after the break-up of his marriage. Alan, who was preparing the house for sale, befriended him and was asked to stay in the house to help Walden through this difficult time. Alan, Walden and Jake became close but once Walden had his head on straight again, the wealthy Schmidt began to resent Harper's mooching and conniving and constantly suggested that Alan find a place of his own, but he always found a reason to be able to stay. Even Jake's entry into the army and deployment to Japan wasn't catalyst enough for Alan's departure. But Lyndsey was. Lyndsey McElroy was Alan's on again, off again girlfriend/fiancé/lover. The history between them was complicated to say the least, but it culminated in Alan finally proposing to Lyndsey and the two of them agreeing to marry. And today was the day.
The house was bustling with activity in preparation for the upcoming ceremony. Alan had asked Walden if the ceremony could be held at the house, claiming that the ocean view would lend a real air of romance to the affair and it would be a nice final memory for him of the place. In reality, Alan, who was a notorious cheapskate, was just trying to save money on a venue. Along the same note, he had asked Berta, Walden's housekeeper (who had also been Charlie's housekeeper), if she would prepare some light fare for the wedding guests. This saved him from having to pay for catering as well.
"Whatever will get you out of here faster," was her way of agreeing. Berta resented Alan, or Zippy as she called him, being in the house even more than Walden because she has had to put up with his shenanigans for the full twelve years. Berta did not hate Alan as much as she let on. In fact, at times, she truly cared for his well-being, occasionally letting her guard down enough to show some affection for him. This was not one of those times. Having to work hard to keep the mess to a minimum, be on her best behavior and make meals for people she didn't particularly care for was NOT her forte.
Alan came down the stairs from Walden's room, a little agitated. He was fussing with his hair, what little there was. He stopped to check himself in the reflection of a wall hanging in the stairs. "I was hoping Walden had some sort of hair product I could use to 'tame my mane'," he said, using air quotes at the end. "But, of course, his hair is just naturally beautiful. Figures. Some billionaires have all the luck," he said, a little despondent.
"You know what would look good in your hair?" Berta asked. Alan was surprised by Berta's interested, much less her willingness to help with what he thought she would have considered to be a trivial matter. It took him off guard. He turned away from his reflection with a blankly surprised look.
"What?" he asked, hoping for a truly remarkable suggestion.
"An exit wound," she said, drily, but with half a grin, not believing he fell for her fake concern. Alan rolled his eyes. Why did he think, especially on this day, that Berta wouldn't want to take a shot at him? He decided to take his hair woes to his room to see if there was a solution there, or possibly indulge in an activity that would take his mind off of it.
Walden entered the living room and saw Berta there doing some light dusting. He greeted his housekeeper in his usual friendly manner. "Hey, Berta." He looked quickly out onto the veranda. He was looking for his six-year-old adopted son, Louis. He asked Berta, "Has Louis tried on his wedding outfit yet?"
"It's been twenty minutes. He's probably working on his second coat of ketchup by now." Berta's wit and sarcasm knew no boundaries. She did not dislike Louis but, after her experience with Jake, did not relish having to clean up after a young boy again.
A little worried that what Berta said might be true, Walden called out for the boy, "Louis!" Louis entered slowly, shoulders slumped and dragging his feet, wearing a miniature navy blue tuxedo, string tie and round sun glasses. Walden couldn't believe this is what Alan had picked out for him to wear. Something had to be done about this. "Alan!" Walden called, but there was no response. He looked at Berta inquisitively as if to ask if she knew where he was.
"I dunno," she responded, "he was in his room just a minute ago." Walden knew exactly what this probably meant.
"Oh my God. Alan!" he called again, hoping to interrupt his housemate's multiple-times-a-day ritual. Alan finally emerged, wiping his hands on his shirt.
"Sorry, I was just washing up," Alan explained. Walden felt a little embarrassed. He thought Alan had been masturbating. "I was just manhandling my man handle," Alan continued. "The tissue broke and I got a little on me," he went on. Now Walden was justifiably disgusted, and a little upset that Alan would use such language, no matter how colloquial it was, in front of his son.
"Really? In front of Louis?" he asked, indicating that Louis was in the room. Alan made a face that was a mix of embarrassment and pride that he had such a clever play on words. Walden wasn't going to let Alan get away with this abhorrent behavior and continued to lecture him. "I'm afraid you're gonna send him back to his bed wetting days with that stuff," he said, sternly. "And if I have to get him plastic sheets," he continued, "they're coming off YOUR bed!" Walden stepped over to Louis and put his hands on the boy's shoulders hoping with the gesture to indicate that everything will be all right, just as soon as Alan moves out. In doing so, Walden remembered the point of needing to see Alan in the first place. "And another thing," he began, walking Louis down toward Alan, "This is what you picked for my son to wear to your wedding?"
"I'll have you know, that was a very popular look in the 80's," Alan said in his defence, "and I think it's high time that it made a comeback."
"Don't be ridiculous, Alan," Walden retorted, "he looks like Duckie from Pretty In Pink. Now, find him something snazzier to wear." With that, Walden led the two back toward Alan's room.
As they went, Alan protested, "I happen to like that movie," and as they exited, he called out, "and Duckie was underappreciated!"
As Walden walked back into the room, he complained to Berta, "Do you believe that?" but Berta had already left the room. Before Walden had a chance to ascertain her whereabouts, the doorbell rang. As he was closest to the door, not to mention the only one in the room, Walden opened the door. On the other side was a very large, nicely wrapped package, which had a woman's legs behind it.
From behind the package came a woman's voice to go with the legs. "Hello Walden," she said. It was Rose, Walden's eccentric neighbour with whom he had had a brief relationship. Before Walden, Rose had had a relationship with Charlie as well. In both cases, Rose's affections were best described as obsessive and twisted, but she always kept it hidden behind a sunny, inviting and helpful exterior until her targets were in too deep. Walden never knew which Rose to expect when he saw her, though he had to admit, his last encounter with her was very helpful. She posed as Santa and helped give Louis something to believe in at Christmas. She followed up by giving the boys a lovely cuckoo clock for the mantle. Of course, in keeping with her possessive nature, and unbeknownst to the two (and a half) men, the clock was equipped with a hidden camera that Rose could monitor remotely. "I brought a little something for Alan's wedding," she began, as she walked in with the bulky box. "Where do you want it?" she asked, beginning to wander with it. Walden snapped out of his surprise to see her and trotted over to relieve her of the present.
"Of course, where are my manners? Let me take that from you." When Walden took the package from her, he lurched forward with its weight. It was obviously heavier than Rose had let on. Walden wrestled the item out to the patio where there was a table set up for the gifts. When he came back in, he noticed something that he hadn't before because of the way Rose was concealed behind the large box. Rose was pregnant. Walden was stunned. "Whoa, Rose, are you..." He let the words trail off, choosing instead to let hand gestures toward her larger waistline finish the question.
"Four months," she answered, placing her hands gently on her belly. Then, in anticipation of his next question, continued, "And no, it's not yours." She felt silly having to explain this to him. "It's been more than two years since we were together."
Walden felt silly too. Logically, he knew he couldn't be the father but he also knew Rose was capable of some pretty nefarious schemes. After all, she had pretended to be pregnant with his child before. But he felt he had to explain his skepticism. "I've come to never assume anything when it comes to you, Rose." Rose took his suspicion as a compliment and smiled a little. Given they were neighbours and given their history, Walden thought he would have known if Rose was involved with anyone to a degree where they would have decided to start a family. He had to ask, "In that case, who's the …" Again he did not complete the question, this time because he didn't know if it would be more appropriate for the next word to be "father" or "donor."
"My husband, of course," she explained. Now Walden was floored. He had so many questions. When did Rose get married? Why wasn't he invited to the wedding? And possibly the one making him most curious, who did she marry? From the stories he'd been told, the only one Rose ever referred to as a husband was a department store mannequin she had named.
"Manny Quinn?" he asked, sheepishly, wondering what kind of fantasy she had concocted for herself with this pregnancy.
"No, silly," Rose said with a giggle, "my husband, Charlie."
Walden couldn't let go of the dummy theme. "McCarthy?" he asked, because it was the only dummy named Charlie that Walden could think of.
"Oh Walden," Rose said, walking up to him and pinching his cheek. "And I thought you were the smart one." Just then, there was the sound of a car horn coming from the driveway. "I've gotta go," Rose announced. "He's waiting in the car." With that, she turned and headed for the door. Before leaving, she paused and called back, "Give Alan my love and tell him we'll see him at the ceremony." Then, she trotted out the door, leaving Walden to follow slowly behind, still dumbfounded from all of this new information. As he reached the door, he saw Rose get into a red Jaguar that then backed away. As it left, Walden got a brief look at the driver. What he saw left him standing there, mouth agape and speechless.
It was at this time that Alan walked in. "Who was that at the door?" he asked.
Walden was still processing the face he had just seen and was only able to muster the bare minimum of a response. "Rose," he uttered. Then, after a brief pause, managed, "She dropped off a wedding gift." As Walden continued to stare out the door, Alan excitedly rushed out to the patio to gaze upon the booty Rose had dropped off.
"Ooooh, I wonder what it is?" he gushed. "She always brings such nice things. Remember the clock she gave us at Christmas?" Alan's words fell on deaf ears. Walden was sure he had seen the driver before, but he was also pretty certain he had never met him. It was like he had only ever seen the man in photos, like he would a celebrity. Alan had returned from the patio and was heading for a storage unit. He opened it and pulled out an urn. "Walden, do you think I should have Charlie out for the ceremony? I think he would have wanted to be there. I mean, it's not like he got to see me leave this place while he was alive. I think it might give him some peace, you know?" Alan began looking for an out-of-the-way place for the urn with Charlie's ashes. That's when it dawned on Walden. He had seen the driver in photos, Alan's family photos. The man was Alan's long-thought-dead brother, Charlie!
"Alan," Walden said, not knowing how to approach the possibility. But this time it was his words that did not penetrate. Alan was too preoccupied with the urn. Walden tried again, this time much louder. "Alan!" he yelled. Alan stopped what he was doing and, urn still in hand, turned and paid attention. Walden thought he'd start at the obvious beginning. "Are you sure you're brother's dead?"
Alan gave Walden a puzzled look. "Of course he's dead." He held out the urn and gave it a little shake. "I've got his ashes right here." Then, Alan gave what he just said a second thought. "Well, mostly these are Charlie's ashes. He's been in and out of this urn so often," Alan continued in reference to the number of times he has accidentally spilled and swept Charlie up, "that there's probably some dust, and carpet lint and maybe one or two of Jake's toenails mixed in there," Alan continued, and then, trying to wrap it up, finished with, "but mostly it's him in here. Why do you ask?"
As Rose's words and the driver's image raced through Walden's head, he got a little more frantic. He rushed over to Alan and grabbed him by the shirt. "But did you actually see the body?"
Alan didn't know where this line of questioning was coming from but wanted to quickly set the record straight with all the facts he could. "He was hit by a train, Walden. There wasn't much to see." Hearing his own words, Alan had to admit that there was a little doubt creeping into his thoughts as well.
Walden continued with the questions, getting Alan to hash out the logic with him. "And who told you that was Charlie's body?"
Again, Alan simply presented the facts. "Well, Rose was there when it happened, and she …" he began, but then it dawned on him. The fact that Rose had anything to do with this should have made Alan suspicious but he was too distracted by the possibility of owning the beach house to put it all together at the time. "Oh my God, he's still alive!" With that realization, Alan let the urn slip from his hands just as Berta walked into the room. Upon hitting the floor, the urn burst open sending ashes all over the floor in a cloud of dust.
"Oh HELL no," Berta blurted, "I'm not cleaning THAT up again!"
ACT TWO – Everyone wants to feel like a bride on their wedding day
After Alan and Walden cleaned the ashes (whosever ashes they were) and themselves up, they sat at the kitchen table for a drink and to discuss what it was, if anything, they have discovered. Alan had his own questions. "Are you sure the man with Rose was Charlie?"
Walden thought the question was ridiculous. "I dunno, Alan! I never met the man!"
Alan did not mean to upset Walden. He tried a different approach. "Try to describe him. What was he wearing?''
Again, another stupid question, Walden thought. "He was sitting in a car. I could only see his shirt. It was one of those vintage bowling shirts."
It sounded like Charlie, but, of course, Alan needed more information. "Well, what did he look like?"
"He looked like the guy in your family album," Walden stressed. "He had a square jaw, pointy little nose and a full head of black hair."
"Well, you can't deny the Harper hair," Alan claimed, as he raised his hand and ran it over his own hair.
"Are you sure about that?" Walden asked, with a mix of skepticism and sarcasm. "Some of it looks like paint." This caused Alan to casually check his palm for black marks, trying not to get caught.
"Okay, but what does all of this mean?" Alan asked. "First of all, we don't even know if the man with Rose was Charlie."
"She did say that we will see you at the ceremony," Walden added. "When she RSVP'd with a 'plus one', I thought she meant a body in the trunk. This guy was actually behind the wheel!" Walden let that sink in a little, then concluded, "We'll just have to see who she brings to the wedding."
"Good God, the wedding!" Alan suddenly remembered it was his wedding day. "We have to get dressed. Guests will be arriving soon. I have to pick up Jake at the airport. Mom and Jenny said they had a stop to make but will be here for the start of the ceremony…" Alan then began to realize what all this news really might mean. "If Charlie is back, what will Mom and Jake and Jenny think? After all, Jenny has never even met her own father!" Jenny was Charlie's daughter from an early tryst. Charlie had sent financial support but never met her.
Walden tried to be supportive. "Well, we'll just take it one step at a time. The first step is getting you in that tux."
Alan continued the logical progression. "And then stepping down the aisle, stepping out that door, stepping over Lyndsey's threshold, and then stepping out of that tux."
"And right into Lyndsey's wedding dress, if I know you," Walden added, more than a little grossed out.
Alan tried to defend the possibility. "Well, everyone wants to feel like a bride on their wedding day."
Sometimes Walden got perturbed by Alan's constantly fay behavior. "No, Alan, only the bride wants to … oh, never mind. Just get dressed!". As Alan got up to head to his room, hopefully to get dressed, Walden's phone chimed. He looked at the screen. There was a text message from someone only identified as "the minister.". Walden relayed the message. "The minister just texted me. He's running late but he says he'll be here in time for the ceremony." Walden wondered what kind of cheap deal Alan wrangled with a clergyman who referred to himself as "the minister." Alan nodded his acknowledgment and continued on his way to his room thinking how nice it was for Walden to have arranged an actual minister for his wedding. He had intended to get Jake to officiate, since his son had been ordained in the Seventh-day Adventist church to perform weddings for his military chums. He had no idea that neither he not Walden had made the arrangement.
Later in the day, the time for the ceremony was approaching. Several guests had arrived and Walden was milling about, occasionally stopping to engage one in a bit of conversation. Ms. McMartin, Walden's girlfriend and Louis' social worker, acted as co-host, bringing out food and drinks. Herb Melnick and his (and Alan's) ex-wife Judith had already arrived and Walden did what he could to keep them engaged with activities at opposite ends of the house, which was difficult because Kandi, Alan's second wife, was there and the difficulty was keeping Herb from making a play for her too. Herb had quite a record for pursuing Alan's sloppy seconds. He had even been Lyndsey's last lover before Alan returned to her. Larry and Gretchen Martin were there as well. Larry was one of Lyndsey's ex-lovers as well but he was also Alan's friend. Gretchen was Larry's sister and Alan's ex-fiancé and the two agreed to come to the wedding, on Alan's invitation, on the not-so-off chance it will all blow up and they will have the chance to see their former mates get what was coming to them for breaking their hearts. The ex parade did not end there. Chris and Eldridge McElroy were also guests. Chris was Lyndsey's ex-husband and Eldridge was their son together. The doorbell rang and Walden opened the door to see a woman standing there. It was Dr. Freeman, a therapist who worked with Jake at first, then later with Alan, Charlie and even Walden. "Oh, Dr. Freeman, I'm so glad you could make it. Please, come in." Walden cleared the doorway and Dr. Freeman walked in.
"Well thank you for inviting me, Walden," she said and she looked around, surveying the home and its guests. "But I'm not on the clock today so please, call me Linda."
"Okay, Doctor … Linda," Walden began, a little uneasy with having such an informal interaction with his therapist, which is strange given that he was dating his adopted son's social worker, "but I was hoping you wouldn't be completely off the clock today." Walden then guided Dr. Freeman off toward the kitchen to explain why he invited her and what social dynamics might develop.
As they walked off, Alan entered with his son, Jake, whom he had picked up from the airport. Jake was in the army and deployed in Japan and was granted leave to attend his father's wedding. "Look who's back!" Alan called as they entered. Jake looked very authoritative and respectable in his uniform and commanded everyone's attention when he entered the home. His mother was the first to come over and greet him.
"Welcome home, honey," she said as she hugged him. She spied him up and down. "You look thin," she said, disapproving, "are they feeding you in the army?"
"Mom, I'm the cook," Jake replied, reassuring, "I'm feeding me." The next to greet Jake was Eldridge. The two had a checkered past, only ever seeing eye to eye when they would indulge in activities of an illegal pharmaceutical nature but Jake was in the army now and when Eldridge asked if he wanted to "smoke a fat one on the beach", Jake's answer was understandably, "Hell yes! Lead the way, my man!" With that, the two trundled out the patio doors.
After watching her son leave, Judith turned to Alan with an accusatory look. "I still blame your brother for that."
A sheepish look came to Alan's face. "Well, about that," Alan began. He took Judith's arm and led her toward the patio. "We have to talk."
As they stepped out, the door opened again and in walked Evelyn, Alan's mother, and her granddaughter, Charlie's daughter, Jenny. "See, I told you we wouldn't be late," the younger Harper said to the elder. "We easily would have had enough time for another cocktail before 'the circus'." Evelyn, who was already well-cocktailed could only manage an impression of a circus calliope in response. Jake had come back in from the beach to grab some food for what was surely going to be the munchies by the time he and Eldridge were finished on the beach when he saw the two.
"Hey Grandma, hey Jenny," he greeted them with.
Evelyn threw her arms around her grandson, partly in greeting, partly for support. "Jake darling, how was your flight?"
Jake was more holding her up than hugging her. "Okay, I guess," he said, struggling to keep her upright. "How many has she had?" he asked of his cousin.
Jenny was trying to downplay the afternoon's activities. "Only one," she said, then confessed, "bottle." Then, after a pause, added, "For every one of Alan's engagements." Jake did the math. Even if he didn't count Lyndsey twice, and they were engaged on two different occasions, it was too many.
"We better get her out for some fresh air," Jake concluded.
"Good," Evelyn added, "I may have to vomit." Jake and Jenny helped their grandmother to the deck.
In the meantime, Walden and Dr. Freeman had returned from the kitchen, Walden having filled the therapist in on the Charlie situation. "That's quite a fascinating development, Walden," she confessed. "I think the first thing we should do is let the rest of Charlie's family know what may happen when Rose arrives." No sooner had she said that when there was a loud, surprised, "What!?" from several voices on the veranda.
Taking a quick stock of the personnel on the deck, Walden informed the doctor, "I'm pretty sure that's been taken care of." As the group, including a much more sober Evelyn, came in from outside, the rest of the wedding guests gathered to see what the commotion was.
Alan and Walden explained to the group what their morning had been like with Alan concluding with, "So it looks like Charlie may have faked his own death."
Evelyn was the first to react. "And that never occurred to you?" she asked of Alan, whose reaction was a mix dejection and offence. Evelyn softened and put a hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry dear, I simply meant that it would have been a way out of your financial obligations.". She rolled her eyes at the others, letting on that that was not what she had actually meant. Then, she turned back to Alan with mock sympathy. "Did I hurt your feelings?"
Alan decided to play up the sympathy factor in his usual, dramatic way. "Of course you did, Mom. I'm only human. If you prick me, do I not bleed?"
"Let's find out," Berta said, unable to stand the performance Alan was putting in.
A knock came at the door. Walden walked over and opened it. He couldn't believe who was standing there. "Steven Tyler!?" he cried. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to perform a wedding," Tyler explained.
"But," Walden was embarrassed to admit, "we already have the music arranged."
"I'm not here to play," Steven clarified. "I'm the minister."
"Minister?" Alan asked. "You're 'the minister'?"
Then Tyler, in his trademark large-mouthed, high-voiced manner announced, "I am an ordained minister in THE CHURCH OF ROCK N ROLL!" Then he leaned into Walden and spoke in a lower voice, as if to provide a disclaimer. "Legal to perform marriages in the state of California only." Then, as if his presence wasn't already surprise enough, Tyler said something that was of particular interest to this group. "Actually, I said I'd do it for Rose. I owe her one, and this had better make us even. Is she here?"
"Well, we're all sort of waiting for her to arrive," Alan admitted. He began to get the feeling she wasn't going to show. He explained to the others, "Lyndsey's mom was supposed to bring Lyndsey at four and all the guests were supposed to be here by quarter to", then, after a quick glance at his watch, said, "and it's almost that now." Alan poked his head up over the crowd and did a quick count. "Rose is the only one not here," he announced. "She should be here by any minute, if she's coming." As if on cue, there was a knock on the door. Everyone just stood for a moment and turned to face the door. Alan was the first to move. He walked over to the door. Before opening it, he turned to the guests and prefaced by saying, "Well, this is it." Then he opened the door.
It was Rose and her plus one. But the man standing next to her was not Charlie. It was Harvey, Rose's dad. "Hi Alan," she chirped. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and walked in, father in tow. Alan could feel the doubting stares. Then he shot one of his own at Walden who was the one, after all, who made the claim he saw Charlie. Walden simply shrugged. Then he noticed Rose's belly again. That was the proof that he hadn't imagined his earlier encounter.
"Umm," Walden forced himself to say, "I thought you were coming with," and then he paused before finishing with, "your husband." Walden was hoping she would name him in her explanation. But he was denied.
"He's going to be late," she said, nonchalantly. "He'll make it when he can." Then she gave Walden a sly look. "He's got a bad reputation for being late." Walden raised his eyebrows and gave Alan a quick look who did the same in return. Murmurs were starting to spread amongst the guests, especially the Harpers. Then, a honk came from the driveway. Walden pulled his gaze away from Rose long enough to look out the still open door to the driveway. Then his demeanor changed completely.
"Oh, it's Lyndsey!" he called. "Everyone take your places! The ceremony's about to start!" Alan jogged upstairs and the guests moved into position. Jean McElroy, Lyndsey's mom, was the first one to the door.
"Oh, I remember you," Evelyn cooed from somewhere in the crowd. She obviously remembered the brief affair the two gilfs had had years earlier.
"Is everything ready?" Jean asked of Walden. He nodded. With a quick hand gesture, she motioned to her daughter. A moment later, Lyndsey stood in the doorway. There was an audible reaction from the guests. She was stunning in her off-white wedding dress, with its antique lace collar and sleeves and discreetly plunging neckline, exposing just enough bosom so as to fuel the desires of men without looking, for lack of a better word, slutty. Walden held out an arm, offering to take Lyndsey down the makeshift aisle that was laid out on the landing in front of the veranda to where Steven Tyler, in full minister's robes, glitter covered of course, await. Lyndsey's eyes widened and she gave an inquisitive look to Walden who simply nodded, as if trying to take credit for the rock star's involvement, then he darted his eyes over to make sure Rose didn't notice. Jake escorted Mrs. McElroy to her seat and then took up his position in the best man's spot.
As they arrived at the end of the aisle, Lyndsey forced a smile and whispered to Walden, "Where's Alan?" Walden simply smiled and gave his head a nod in the direction of the top of the stairs. Lyndsey turned her head toward the stairs, and the guests did the same. Alan appeared at the top of the stairs, completely decked out in his black tuxedo and carrying a bridal bouquet, playing every bit the blushing bride. Even as he glided down the stairs, glowing, Lyndsey could do nothing but love him at that very moment. She couldn't imagine the moment being any more special. Then, Michael Bolton stepped out of the kitchen and began singing When a Man Loves a Woman. Lyndsey's eyes filled with tears. Alan smirked, remembering when Bolton performed at his last marriage, to Walden, when Walden needed to be married to adopt Louis. Walden rolled his eyes, tired of hearing Bolton sing that song. And Steven Tyler shot Walden a look as if to ask, That's your music? But, Alan had arrived at his spot next to Lyndsey and he had to drop his professional jealousy and officiate this wedding. In your face, Bolton!
"Dearly beloved," he began, "we are gathered here today to unite Lyndsey McElroy and Alan Harper-Schmidt in holy matrimony." Both Lyndsey and Walden glared at Alan, wondering why he kept Walden's name. Alan returned their glares with a sheepish expression of his own. Some of the wedding guests exchanged looks as well. Then Steven Tyler, in order to keep the flow going, continued the ceremony. He turned toward Lyndsey. "Do you, Lyndsey, promise to honor, obey and cherish Alan for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live so help you God?"
Lyndsey didn't know how charitable she felt about Alan at this very second but she didn't know if anything better was ever gonna come around. She certainly wasn't getting any younger and at the very least, they'd be friends with a billionaire. "Ya, sure, for the most part," was her answer.
Steven Tyler wasn't sure if that was completely acceptable, but continued. He turned toward Alan. "Alan, do you promise to honor, obey and cherish Lyndsey…" With a wave of his hand, Alan interrupted, and tapped on the scripted card in Tyler's hand, pointing out the correction he had made. Tyler grimaced and began again. "Do you promise to honor, obey, cherish and satisfy Lyndsey," Alan grinned from ear to ear and Steven continued, a little faster now, "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, for as long as you live, may God help you?"
Alan wasn't sure he liked how liberal Tyler got with the ending there but it was his turn to answer so he couldn't argue too much. Before answering he thought for a second, then he took a quick glance at Kandi's boobs, then back at Lyndsey's. Yup, Lyndsey's were bigger. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Alan exclaimed, almost bouncing.
Steven Tyler looked at Alan and asked, "May I have the rings please?" Alan's eyes widened, then he looked over at his best man, Jake. Jake simply threw up his hands as if to ask what Alan wanted him to do about it. Before full-on panic had set in however, there was a tug at the back of Tyler's robe. Tyler turned around to find Louis standing behind him, all decked out in a gleaming white tux jacket and shirt, black bow tie and pants with a silk stripe down the side. Now that was a snazzy outfit, Walden thought. His hair was slicked back and his face was clean. Berta got a tear in her eye. In his hands was a small, white, silk pillow with two wedding rings neatly nested in the fold. Tyler took the rings and Louis turned to go back to his seat. When he did, the wedding party and guests could see the rainbow emblazoned on his back in sequins. Walden scowled at Alan and Alan grinned and tilted his head in admission of being guilty as charged. Steven Tyler placed a ring on each of the bride and groom's left hands and announced, "By the power vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you man and wife." Then, in an act of sarcasm, he turned to Lyndsey and said, "You may kiss the bride." Alan grabbed his new bride and gave her a long, tender kiss, washing away all of her anxiety and bringing the love back that she felt a moment ago. The guests clapped and cheered. After the kiss, Steven Tyler announced, "I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Harper-Schmidt!" To more applause and cheers, the new couple turned to wave to the gathering. That's when Alan noticed he was still carrying his bouquet. He motioned to the crowd that he was going to toss it and then he turned his back to them. The guests weren't sure what the tradition was here. They didn't know whether the men or the women should prepare to catch the flowers so in one big group decision, they all stood in preparation. Alan gave it a-one-and-a-two and then threw the bouquet, but in his excitement, threw it much too hard. The flowers flew in a high arc well over the heads of most of the crowd but somebody at the back did catch them. The group turned to see who the lucky recipient was. It was Charlie Harper. And with his signature wide grim, he gave his brother his best wishes.
"Congratulations, Meathead!"
ACT THREE – The journey is over
It took several minutes for hugs to be administered and the din to settle to just above a dull roar. By the time it did, Rose was at Charlie's side, some of the guests were seated, most of them, and the rest, with strong drinks in their hand. Charlie was explaining his disappearance. "Since Alan was never gonna move out of the house, I had to." There were several reactions to this statement. Walden nodded his understanding. Lyndsey gave Alan a little punch in the arm. Alan shrunk his head down in faux shame. Charlie continued his story. "Anyway, while we were in Paris, Rose figured out that the sale of the house would cover what I owed on it without Alan being able to get his claws on it." Alan gave Charlie an I got to stay in the house anyway, so there sneer. "Then Rose figured out the fake death scenario." That part of the story raised more than a few questions. Alan spoke up first.
"You got Rose to fake your death?" Alan asked.
Charlie thought the answer was obvious. "Who would you get to do it?" Alan considered the plot for a moment, then nodded in agreement. In his peripheral vision he could see several wedding guests nodding, including Rose's father! Then, another question came to mind.
"If you're here, and don't get me wrong, glad to see you but, really? On my wedding day?" Charlie narrowed his eyes at his brother. Alan quickly got back to the point. "Sorry. Okay. Ya. If you're here," he said with a hand toward Charlie, "then whose ashes are in the carpet?" he continued, now making swirling motions over the floor with both hands. Rose fielded that one.
"Some questions are better left unasked," she said with a grin that was part cutesy, part menacing. Suddenly, there were no more questions about the fake death plot. After a quick smile to his wife, Charlie continued.
"I laid low for a while, then I got my music career back on track."
"Oh?" Alan interrupted, "You're writing music again?"
"You don't think that new Maple Loops jingle wrote itself, do you," Charlie retorted. "Anyway, If I may continue," Charlie started, shooting Alan a look, "Ya, I came back to the states, reconnected with Rose, one thing led to another, and now we're married and, obviously, we have a little one on the way."
"Hello," Jenny said, offended. "I'm right here."
"My bad," Charlie corrected himself. "Another little one on the way."
"Does this mean you're gonna be my dad now?" she asked.
"Hey, I paid your way to adulthood. You're on your own now," Charlie quipped, curtly.
Walden couldn't let go of Charlie's decision to pursue Rose. "Ya, but, why Rose? How did you know she was the one?"
"Her methods may be a little unorthodox," Charlie began, "but you know she always has your best interests in mind. She's got lots of scratch," Charlie continued, rubbing his fingers on his thumb, indicating lots of money. "So, no worries there. And she's just as adventurous in bed as I am." Rose cleared her throat in an effort to correct him. "Excuse me, more sexually adventurous than I am." Then he leaned toward Walden with a bit of a whisper which he delivered through the side of his mouth. "There was actually a contest," he confessed. Berta heard that last comment and piped up.
"You mean you lost the Cathy-lon?" She couldn't believe the title was gone.
Alan corrected the housekeeper. "You mean the decathlon."
This time Charlie corrected Alan. "No, the Cathy-lon, named after the first girl I ever competed with. Never lost one since, 'til now."
"Oh, so there's no DE," Alan said, thinking he understood.
This time it was Rose's turn to correct Alan. "No, there was lots of D," she explained. "But we're thinking of adding events and changing the name to the Tournament of Rose's"
Before things got more NSFW, Walden jumped in. "Well, that's quite a story, Charlie. You spent all that time, all those years, with all those women when the right one for you was right there in front of you the whole time."
"Watching your every move," Rose added, using her outside voice for her inside thoughts.
Walden was a little disturbed by that comment. He wondered how much time she spent watching him when they were together. He tried to put it out of his mind. "Ya, well, it's got me thinking about who I might have let go that was the one for me."
A woman's voice came through the patio doors, "Then it looks like I got here right on time." Walden looked up to see who said that. He couldn't believe who was there.
"Vivian?" he asked, not really believing she was back. Vivian was a drifter Walden took in from the rain one night and, over the course of a meal and some conversation, fell madly in love with. He even called it off with his girlfriend at the time, Kate, to be with her only to be rejected by Vivian for the open road and the lure of what lies ahead. "Is it you? Are you really back?"
"Yup." As Vivian stepped in from the patio, Alan became inflamed.
"Oh good God," he cried. "Could I have any more thunder stolen from me? This was supposed to be MY day!" Then, catching Lyndsey's glare in the corner of his eye, Alan pulled her close and corrected himself. "OUR day!" Alan darted his eyes and fidgeted, a little embarrassed by his narcissism.
But the crowd had already forgotten about his story, and Charlie's for that matter, and turned to see what would progress next with Walden's. As did Ms. McMartin, Walden's already dismissed girlfriend. "What about me?" she asked. "Am I not the one for you?" she asked, louder, this time borderline shrieking.
Walden turned to her. "I have to say, Ms. McMartin, I'm embarrassed to admit this, so long into our relationship and all, but I don't even know your first name. Why do you think I keep calling you Ms. McMartin?" Ms. McMartin couldn't believe what she was hearing. How could he know her so long, gone through the entire adoption procedure with Louis, slept with her, without knowing her first name? Alan spent all that time. Alan slept with her. She bet he knew what her first name was. She turned to him, expecting him to announce it. Alan slowly turned away, trying to casually cover his face with his hand as he did. Ms. McMartin was mortified. Suddenly, she didn't want anything to do with either one of them. As fast as she could, she stomped out of the home. Walden knew he should be worried about that but he didn't want to take the time right then. He turned back to Vivian, held her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes. "But I thought you said I was always about the destination and you were about the journey."
Her large brown eyes stared back into his. "Ya, well maybe the journey is over. Maybe, after tasting all the cookies that there are, you go back to the one you like the best."
"And I'm the one?" Walden asked.
"You're the one," she answered.
Walden smiled wide and looked at her for a moment. Then he looked around the room until he spotted the face he was looking for. "Yo, Steven Tyler!" he called. "You got another one in ya?"
There was only one thing to say, and Steven Tyler screamed it. "LET'S ROCK N ROLL!"
Walden only needed three words to get this party restarted. "Bolton? Hit it!"
As Michael Bolton laid into yet another rendition of When a Man Loves a Woman, Eldridge walked in through the patio doors, having just returned from the beach. Obviously baked and bleary-eyed, he asked, "Did I miss anything?"
THE END