A/N: Hey guys. This is the result of a strange idea I had during maths, and I translated it into Potter-World. Enjoy.
"Have you ever had sex?"
Oops. I did not mean to say that. It slipped, I swear.
The room falls silent. Even Goyle, who had been showcasing his wide range of fake-fart noises, chooses that moment to fall silent, creating a tension-filled silence. Traitor.
"Excuse me?"
There is no question as to who my question is directed at. Professor McGonagall looks at me with a mixture of shock, rage and disgust.
Ok, so I can do one of three things:
1. Play dumb. I swear on a unicorn's life I didn't say it and say that everyone is plotting against me by saying that I did say it. Give them all the Malfoy Glare.
2. Apologise profusely. My tongue slipped, I swear. I didn't mean to ask, and I am very, very sorry. Blushing would help if I chose to do that, I suppose, but that's not very masculine.
3. Keep going. I'm already in deep shit, so why not be calm and aloof, stay cool, and just act like I meant to say it. Besides, Malfoys' do not apologise.
I choose 3.
"I think you heard me, Professor."
Blaise looks at me from across the room. He looks absolutely stunned. Crabbe and Pansy are struggling to hold back laughs a few rows behind me. Goyle just looks annoyed at being distracted from his fart noises. My friend, the freak. This is high quality entertainment, better than fake farts. Why is he pissed off?
"Draco Malfoy, get outside this instant! 20 points from Slytherin! That is ridiculously inappropriate, not to mention rude. How dare you ask a question like that in the middle of class? Or, for that matter, ever? That's a very personal matter for most people. How can you ask that of someone? How would you like it if I asked you?"
"Please, Professor. I'm a Malfoy. Take a guess at the answer."
She looks stunned.
"30 points from Slytherin. Get outside."
"No, Professor. Now that I think about it, I want my question answered."
She walks towards me with murder in her eyes. As she reaches out her hand to grab my arm, probably to pull me outside and yell at me, I lean back on my chair.
"Ah-ah, Professor. Can't touch me, it's against the law."
She is furious.
"Well, Miss?"
"May I ask why you want to know, Mister Malfoy?" she hisses angrily.
"You may."
Pansy and Crabbe laugh out loud now, and even Goyle has a smile on his lips. Out of the corner of my eye I notice most of the class has started to migrate towards the door, sticking together to avoid verbal or physical attacks. Blaise grins at me, spurring me on.
"Mr. Malfoy, why are you asking if I have ever had sex?" I see a glint of malice in her eyes. "If you keep asking questions, I'll deduct another 50 points from Slytherin. You are without doubt the most repulsively obnoxious student I've ever had the misfortune to teach."
"Geez, Professor, I'm cut deep," I say sarcastically, putting my hands over my heart. "So you wanna know why I'm asking? Apart from the fact that it's just plain funny? Well... no offense, Professor, but you could probably do with some anti-ageing potion and some moisturiser. Nah, not moisturiser... make that an ocean. Your face is so dry and wrinkly I can see why Australia has a water shortage. You really think we sit here, day after day, paying close attention to the crap you spout out with your nasal voice and the shit you write on the board? Like any of us give a rat's ass about the fine details of Transfiguration. Honestly? I can't see how anyone would sleep with you without chucking up everywhere." Chuckles erupt across the classroom. "And by the way, props for 'repulsively obnoxious'. I didn't think you were smart enough to know what those words meant."
I am sooo going to get expelled. If I do, this is definitely worth it.
"Fine. You want to know, Malfoy? Yes. I have. Of course I have. I have a son, if that answers your question. Any more inappropriate questions before I deduct more points from Slytherin?"
"Yes."
That shocks her. Ha.
"What makes you think I'll answer it, Malfoy?"
I grin at her. "Who knows where thoughts come from? They just...appear."
She sighs. "50 points from Slytherin, Malfoy."
She waves her wand and a tabby-cat Patronus appears on the desk before running out of the room.
"What was that?" I ask suspiciously, narrowing my eyes to give her the Malfoy glare.
"Oh, nothing important." Her nonchalant tone makes me slightly nervous.
She is silent for a time.
"So, your question, Malfoy?"
"Yes. Is your son Dumbledore? Cos you sure are old enough to have a son that-" I stop as Snape walks into the room and glares at me.
"Oh...shit."
Is that the best I can do? So much for Malfoy wit.
"A further 50 points from Slytherin, Malfoy. Come and see me after class for your detentions. I'd say a month seems appropriate, doesn't it, Professor Snape?"
He nods and scowls at her, making me grin.
"Let's go, Malfoy," he says to me.
I gather up my books and shove them into my bag before waving goodbye to McGonagall.
"Later, Prof. Seeya later to talk about detention, yeah?"
I walk out with Snape and I feel the fury rolling off him.
"How many points did she take off in the end, Draco?"
I gulp. "Um, one hundred and fifty, Sir."
He stops walking and faces me. A smile touches his lips, and contrary to when he usually smiles, it makes me happy.
"Well, for one the most entertaining things to happen all day, I think you should get 50 points. Don't argue with her about detentions, though, because a months' worth of detentions is very lucky. She could easily have you expelled. Now, go and calm down in the common room. We don't want any more strange outbursts from you."
I seem to have a problem with last lines, don't I?
Urrgh. Anyway, R&R.