Damon and Elena characters from my Season 4 re-write "Desperate Love" roast TVD episode 4x13 "Into the Wild" in classic, Mystery Science Theatre 3000 style. Funny, fluffy satire of our favorite show. In my season 4 re-write, there is no sire bond but Elena and Damon just got through some "guardian spell" drama of their own.
Author's Note: Written for Goldnox, to keep her entertained in between writing gloriously steamy Delena chapters of her amazing Memorial fic, "Mirrors and Broken Things."
This was written stream-of-consciousness, just to entertain myself on a rainy day while watching 04x13. It's not a literary masterpiece, it's not brilliant or poetically lyrical- it's just for kicks, kids, and I don't own a thing- not the characters, not the show, not the universe, not the plot. So keep your expectations nice and low and it'll read better if the episode is fresh in your mind.
Scene opens on the couch, upstairs at the boarding house in whatever room vampires hide the TV in.
Elena: Okay, explain to me again what this is?
Damon: So, you know how you're like a Threat Level 5, Code Red Hazard? How your bad luck could possibly trigger nuclear war and how I've had to compel the chairman of the UN five separate times to not have you locked in an underground vault like one of the X-men for the protection of society at large?
Elena: (glaring cutely)
Damon: Well, anyway, the TV networks got ahold of that, and they decided our lives would make a sweet reality show. I think mostly because I'm hot and lots of teenyboppers wanted to watch me take my shirt off.
Elena: (dryly) Undoubtedly.
Damon: And after all that guardian spell crap, I thought we could use a movie night. (attempts charming smile) I made popcorn.
Elena: (softening) You know I'm not mad, right? You don't have to make anything up to me.
Damon: The fact that you are not mad because you are used to everyone in your life being a total psycho is not particularly comforting. But we'll table that for now because I want to watch this. I heard it has hot chicks in it, and it's filmed on an island. Also, this girl on Twitter said I was a badass in this episode.
Elena: On an island? Like that show with the plane crash and the polar bear and that scrawny guy that everybody says looks kind of like you?
Damon: You mean the whiny kid with rosy Santa cheeks? Who said I looked like that douchebag?
Elena: I thought he was cute, and it was so sweet the way he takes care of his sister.
Damon: Yeah, let's never talk about that again. (Tugs her over so she's reclining against his chest and clicks on the TV. Camera catches him sneaking a fond glance at Elena, but he jerks his eyes back to the screen before she can catch him)
Damon: Wait, you're sired to me on this show! (laughs) Sounds kinky. What's this rated again?
Elena: You wish I was sired to you. I'd probably spend my whole life in bed and you'd never let anybody near me who wanted to kill me ever again. (pause) Actually, it doesn't sound too bad.
Damon: What the fuck is Last of the Mohicans doing chasing Professor Shadypants? Why doesn't he just Amazonian-dream-tea him to death or something?
Elena: I like this island- it's gorgeous. Can we go there sometime?
Damon: As long as you promise not to write our names in the old mine shaft cave. Don't teenagers know that writing "Jimmy loves Suzie" on a rock automatically shortens the longevity of the relationship by 40%? It's like the cock-block curse of the Graffiti Gods.
Elena: (smiles)
Damon: Did Stefan do the casting for this show? That landing scene was like brooding in stereo. If we really all went ocean-rafting to a remote island, I'd like to think we could manage to have a little fun for shit's sake.
Elena: And right on cue, there you are with the machete and the comic relief (grins up at him). And that's why I love you.
Damon: And this is why I love you: look at you, all badass, picking fights you'll never win.
Elena: Is it my fault Rebekah has to be such a ho-basket? Though I'd like to think in real life I wouldn't be flashing the only Original-killing stake in the world around when I didn't have even half an intention of really using it.
Damon: (nibbles her ear while watching onscreen Delena talk about the vampire cure). I'm buying you that hat. It's adorable.
Elena: You look hot on film. I'm buying you a hair and makeup crew.
Damon (scoffs): Like I need it.
Elena: Oh man, look at Bonnie objectifying my brother.
Damon: Jeremy is their eye-candy of choice to sell commercial space? (sighs) These network hacks really have a thing or two to learn about marketing.
Elena: You know, burying an Original alive with the cure for immortality so they'll take it and then starve to death…I have to admit. It's evil, it's Machiavellian, but I could totally see it working.
Damon: It's bitchy is what it is. Sounds just like Rebekah's style. Show-Elena had better watch her back.
Elena: Wow, Tyler's being kind of tough, taunting Klaus like that. But not in a bully way, more like in an…actually tough way. I'm not sure how to take that. (laughs) I never had the guts to say this to Caroline when she was dating him, but I always figured he must be a little under-endowed, considering how he was when we were growing up.
Damon: I don't think there's any debate that Wolf-boy is a pencil dick. (pause) Don't ever tell him I said this, but Klaus is a total badass in this scene. Tearing eyeballs out is the way to go, and the mommy drowning reference? Stone cold, man. Point to Klaus.
Elena: Wow, show-you is much less chivalrous. I said I was creeped out and you totally ignored me.
Damon: Yeah. I would at least have put a comforting arm around you so I could cop a feel.
Elena: (smacks him)
Damon: Don't the people that watch this show already know the plot? Why the hell do they keep repeating it?
Elena: Because the writers made it needlessly complicated? They should have kept it simple. You. Shirtless.
Damon: Interspersed with scenes of you and Rebekah snarkily catfighting.
Elena: Sounds like a show to me!
Damon: Oh fuck me. Tell me he's not rappelling off of the ancient wooden support beams in an old damp mine.
Elena: Looks like he is.
Damon: (shakes head). Killing Professor Cradle-Robber has been on my to-do list for way too long. Fucker is too dumb and too smug to let live.
Elena: Oh yeah? Cause he just found the booby trap before you did.
Damon: (disgustedly) Fuck those writers. I would have found the booby trap ten years before that yahoo on my night vision alone.
Elena: And why does he want us to stay together? So we can ALL get caught in the next net-booby-trap? This is lame.
Damon: Damn! You're a total badass in this! Good form on the flying tackle.
Elena: I love that guy getting a hatchet in the back.
Damon: (mocking Jeremy) Yeah, somebody just saved your life, idiot. Your sister!
Elena: And Last of the Mohicans, apparently.
Damon: And speaking of…Hey dipshit? White paint? Isn't great night camouflage.
Elena: It didn't show him. Maybe it was another hatchet-wielding psychopath.
Damon: They're everywhere, these days. Especially if they bought their villains in a six-pack.
Elena: I hear it's a better value.
Pause. Delena scene playing-Elena telling Damon she'll love him even if she's not sire bonded.
Elena: Hey, you got quiet over there.
Damon: (sing-songs) Show-you liiiikes me.
Elena: (looking up at him) That scene was a little cute. I hate how this show makes it sound like I wouldn't love you if I was human. I'm glad that they gave show-me a chance to call bullshit. I love you, human, vampire or chupacobra. You know that, don't you?
Damon: (kisses the top of her head) Yeah, too bad show-me isn't as smart as real-me.
Elena: Totally. Screw being human. Vampires have better sex.
Damon: (laughs)
A second later they both start cracking up.
Elena: Of course (gasping) of course Caroline would want to clean when there was an enraged Original trapped in the living room!
Damon: And of course Tyler would be such a douche that he'd be making himself a drink and stepping over the "horrific burnt corpse" to get to the fridge.
Elena: Holy crap, Klaus just force-blood-shared Caroline. (watching intently). Okay, what do you think? Calorie dialogue: snappy or cheesy?
Damon: A little from column A, a little from column B. Don't poke your fingers through the angry tiger's cage, Beauty Queen.
(pause)
Damon: Oh for fuck's sake, only Captain Crybaby would play with a tombstone when he was sitting by a campfire with a pretty blonde. And now he's complaining that she's cuddling too hard (rubs eyes tiredly). You know we're not actually related, right? He was abandoned by a traveling troupe of mimes.
Elena: Why does everybody on this show use me to make you guys feel bad? It's awful.
Damon: (in a studiously casual voice) Pretty girl, everybody loves her. It's easy drama.
Elena: Aww, it's cute how you stick up for Bonnie to Professor Shane.
Damon: You have to keep me alive to keep him alive to yadda yadda yadda. Why don't you all go the fuck home and quit whining about how miserable it is to be vampires? Write some bad poetry, stop making yourself re-live high school and you'll be a lot happier. Spare me.
Klaus/Tyler/Caroline scene, Tyler: "She'll die unless you save her."
Elena: (pauses show, drops face into hands, sighs deeply) I can't watch this.
Damon (laughing so hard Elena slips off his chest) The part where Tyler's idea of "fixing it" involved explaining to Klaus his own evil plan? I'm curious, what do you think is smaller? His brain or his dick?
Damon: (snatches the remote back) I've got to hear Klaus take him apart for that shit. (watching, nodding in satisfaction).
Elena: That was a serious verbal bitch-slapping.
Damon: Man, I think show-Klaus and I would get along just fine.
Elena: Wait, was that a slash fanfic prompt?
Damon: Tyler volunteering to be Klaus's bitch again? That was total gay-Penthouse-letters there. (pause) Wait, WHAT? Show-me is leaving you alone to search for a hatchet-wielding psychopath with Broody and Barbie Klaus? God damn it.
Elena: (snuggles close again) Show-you is pretty hot, but he's off his game tonight. I like real-you better.
Damon: Bonnie starting a forest fire with her Jeremy's-gym-socks locator spell? Priceless.
Elena: (hiding face again) I'm looking for my kidnapped brother by shouting his name?
Damon: Today's lesson, boys and girls? Tripwires are not shiny. Barbie Klaus just saved your ass.
Elena: (still hiding face) Call me when show-me stops being humiliating.
Damon: Show-Stefan's pretty much the same. Looks thoughtful, creases brow periodically. Does nothing. Gets chicks anyway. Is there no justice in life?
(pause)
Elena: Hmmm, Caroline's still pretty when she's dying
Damon: And Tyler's smart enough to pimp his dying girlfriend for a cure. And dumb enough to leave her to spend her last living moments with her murderer. That's not going to get you any points on Valentine's Day, stupid ass.
Next big Delena scene: Elena trying to get Damon to believe she loves him, tells him they should be human together.
Damon: (notably silent)
Elena: Well, show-me got one thing right. You do destroy things when they get too good. (When he doesn't answer, she peeks up at him and nudges him with an elbow). Hey, you're not getting too serious about this, are you? This is dumb as hell- I'd just take the cure to break the sire bond, get somebody I hated to turn me vampire again and we'd skip off into the sunset. I'm not idiotic enough to think it's proof of my everlasting love that I would want you to grow old and get hemorrhoids and Alzheimer's with me.
Damon: No, I'm good. That I'm-not-Stefan line was a little depressing, that's all.
Elena: (wraps his arms around her waist from behind and holds them there) Don't be silly. We're fine. Don't let this show get you down. I fight for you, remember? Real me doesn't let you stomp off into the woods while I just stand there like a helpless ninny.
On show, Elena gets back to camp and everybody's gone.
Damon: (clears throat, makes visible effort to be lighthearted again) Yeah, and like none of them can use their vampire senses to track all the missing members of the party? Haven't they ever seen a B-grade horror movie? All the hot ones are either decapitated or skewered in the woods. You're the most virginal, so you're the last survivor who will be running through the forest at the end of the movie.
Elena: (rolls eyes) Yeah, I think I'm seriously less than virginal. You've made sure of that. I'd go down in the first scene these days.
Damon: (smirks) You weren't complaining before.
Elena: (elbows him, giggling) Shh, I'm trying to watch. Caroline's totally going to sucker Klaus into saving her. He doesn't stand a chance.
Damon: Right on cue. She's crafty, that one.
(Pause)
Elena: Didn't the hunter's mark used to be invisible except to hunters?
Damon: Hey, I'm not complaining. Saved me a nasty few days in the basement cell. Why is it always me nearly killing hunters?
Elena: Wait, that's it? You call that an ending?
Damon: Yeah, my neck getting broken is hardly a cliffhanger. A little humiliating, cause frankly I could have taken that guy. But a cliffhanger? Nah. Happens twice a week and three times on holiday weekends. So, what'd you think of the show?
Elena: (shrugs) We do it better.
Damon: Yes we do. (smirks) Wanna practice? Doing it better, I mean?
Elena: (rolls eyes) You're so cheesy.
Damon: Okay. (flips on TV) We can watch American Idol instead.
Elena: (straddles his lap in a swift movement) I didn't say I didn't like it. (smiles and leans in for a kiss).
Damon (clicks off the TV without looking, throws away remote, Florence and the Machine starts playing in the background). Now that's the kind of ending I prefer.
(leans in for a kiss, a hint of a smile playing across his lips)