A/N:First Pellinor fic and first chapter fic. It's about Hem and Zelika, because there just aren't enough fics about them. Minor spoilers for The Crow and The Singing. Enjoy!
A Reflection
Hem hadn't permitted himself these thoughts for months now. Every time something had arisen that reminded him of her, he'd simply pushed them away to the back of his mind, and desperately tried to occupy himself with something else. Something less damaging, and less destructive. Something that would not send him spiralling downwards in an endlessly binding, all-consuming black torrent of despair if he thought about it freely.
But now, on the anniversary of her death, it was different. The pain was even rawer then at any other time, and yet it was far easier to face. In this special place on the boundaries of Turbansk, emotions and thoughts could spill boundlessly from his head in an unending stream of grief without rending his soul in two as they would at any other time or place. Here on the beautiful sandstone wall overlooking the surrounding landscape, he could truly be free and himself.
As strands of thick black hair played around his head in the gentle breeze, he watched the sun come up above the hills and slowly come to strike the great gold suns that adorned the city. The soft, weak light illuminated the newly-planted vines, shrouding them in a warm glow that made the plants seem oddly animated. They almost seemed to welcome the presence of the sunlight touching their dark green leaves, as if they had missed the great life-giver in its absence.
They had survived the dark, the twilight that covered their limbs with a corrosive sluggishness and death, to emerge into another glorious day of renewed growth among the beauty of the sun. So why couldn't Hem? Why could he not escape the aura of despair that surrounded him, even though he had such good friends? Irc, who did not understand human pain, and yet gave Hem such entertainment in a futile effort to withdraw his companion from his new-found depression. And Saliman, who understood exactly what his once-youthful companion had endured, and gave his wordless help in any way he could. And his sister, Maerad, his victorious, valiant sibling, whose exploits had once given him such amazing enjoyment and absorbed him so fully. None of them could even lift by one finger-width the all-consuming curtain of sadness that threatened to overwhelm his life.
He had loved her; he knew that now, with all the passionate fierceness that came from knowing that nothing could be done about it. He longed to tell her how he had felt, and yet he never could. For she was dead, and it was all his fault. He should have protected her, prevented her from trying to rescue her brother, Nisrah. Even though he knew that, at the time, it had been impossible, it did not stop him wishing with all his heart (if he could call it that now, after so many months of mindless grief) that he had done it. Never could he forgive himself for not being there when she most needed him.
Hem raised his tearless eyes slowly to the horizon. The sun was still only creeping upwards, the shadows only minutely shorter than when he's first sat down on the boundary wall, but it felt as if years had passed. Normally, after one of these monthly sessions, his heart would feel somewhat lighter, as if a great weight had been dropped from his shoulders, but this time the despair was still thick as ever, and possibly even denser, weighted by his released feelings. Hem sighed slowly, and stepped backwards, back into the shadows of the fortress city, and slowly began to make his way back towards Saliman's house.
A/N: Well, that's the first chapter. All reviewers get lettuce pies!!!