This piece of "literature" is brought to you by the I Can't Believe It's Not Nintendo! Corporation.
Narrator:
When we last left our heroes, they had just ran into their less-than-good friend Paul, who challenged Ash to yet another Pokémon battle, only to have it interrupted by one of Team Rocket's nefarious schemes! How will our heroes get out of this mess?
"Aargh! Where'd their balloon go?" asked a distraught Ash, as he scanned the area thoroughly while catching his breath.
"How should I know? It was your Pokémon they stole, so I really don't care," said a rather unsympathetic Paul, as he glanced down at his Pokémon with a dissatisfying look.
"Paul, if you're not going to help, then why are you following us?" asked an angry Dawn, pointing her finger towards her not-really adversary with a sharp gaze.
"I'm just here to finish our battle once he gets his Pokémon back! I just want to prove once more that strength will always defeat pathetic friendship!" proclaimed the confident grape-top.
Ash now focused his anger on the brash burden, gritting his teeth with the passion of a romance novel. "Look, I'm getting real tired of your attitude!" yelled Ash to the purple-haired punk. Paul responded with nothing more than a grunt, and an angry gaze off to his side.
"Hey guys, let's just focus on finding Team Rocket. We can bicker later." Brock said, followed by an overall grunt of irritation from the group. This is no place for a positive attitude.
As they continued running, they noticed a large cat-shaped balloon in the distance. "Look, they're over there, just over the mountain!" said Ash, pointing out their location and running at a much faster pace.
"Ash, wait up!" yelled Dawn and Brock, unable to keep up with the young fool's energetic spirit.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket had found a small cave to port and rest for the night, as they would plan their Sinnoh escape.
"Yea, we finally got Pikachu!" exclaimed an ecstatic Jessie.
"My god, what have we been doing with the last 4 years of our lives?" asked a depressed James.
"Ah, James, ya need to stop livin' in the past! We got Pikachu, and a whole buncha other Pokémon to boot!" said a cheerful Meowth.
"He's right, don't be such a negative Nancy! We have our own pack of Pokémon powerhouses, and all you can think of is how you've wasted the last few years of your life!" said an angry Jessie, with her arms placed firmly on her hips.
"That really didn't make me feel any better…" James said with a groan, as he continued warming himself by the fire.
"You know, this glum attitude of yours is really getting on my nerves!" growled a now-fuming Jessie.
"Wow, something that gets on your nerves? That's new," said James, with a bit of a smirk beginning to form on his face.
"What'd you say?" screamed the furious fuchsia-headed fashion victim.
"And it appears she's deaf as well!" yelled James as they locked foreheads, staring each other down.
"Guys, guys! Calm down, they might hear us!" said Meowth with arms flailing, as the sun began to set in the distant west.
"Hey, I heard something up there!" said Brock, as he pointed up to a distant cave.
"Then let's go!" exclaimed Ash, as he began to scale the sedimentary structure.
"Wait up, Ash!" everyone but Paul yelled, as they all began climbing up to what would be their resting place for eternity.
About 20 minutes went by, and about 2/3 of the way up the mountain, Ash grabbed a weak piece of protruding rock, only to fall a good 50 feet before regaining his grip. The others continued up the mountain, showing little interest in Ash.
"There you are, Team Rocket!" yelled Dawn, once again pointing at the enemy as if someone was unsure of whom they were.
"Aah! It's the twerps!" screamed the team of trifling troubadours. With a quick quip, the trio of tongue-lashing tallywankers called out their Pokémon.
"Go, Seviper!" yelled an erratic Jessie.
"You too, Carnivine!" yelled James, followed by yet another (alliteration) case of Carnivine's cranium cuisine. (Will I ever stop? Let's hope so…) "Aaagh! Don't attack me, attack them!" screamed a vulnerable James.
"Go, Buneary!" yelled Dawn as her bashful, bubbling bunny burst from her ball (I guess not…).
"Happiny, help us out!" proclaimed Brock, as his pink and positive Pokémon presented her precious poise to the perplexed and ponderous people post-penetrating her Pokéball. (AAAGH! ALLITERATION OVERLOAD, ALLITERATION OVERLOAD!)
"Seviper, use Poison Sting!" yelled an irate Jessie.
"Carnivine, use Bullet seed!" yelled a completely calm James.
Seviper began to shoot a number of poisonous needles at Happiny, whilst Carnivine's deadly seed bullets were directed at Buneary.
"Quick Happiny, dodge 'em!" yelled Brock. Despite the fact that that's not an actual move, Happiny happily obliged and began to dance around the dangerous darts of death. (Oh no…)
"Buneary, use Protect!" ordered Dawn, as her Buneary was now in an impenetrable cloak of magic, or something. The seeds, however, did not merely bounce off the shield, no no. Through the magic that the shield possessed, the seeds ricocheted off the cloak, and increased in speed, blasting poor Brock into oblivion.
"BROCK!" screamed Dawn, looking over at the bloody mess of a chef that lay beside her.
Happiny would not take this lightly. She gave Dawn a sort of "You killed my master, now you must DIE!" look, and began running towards the fire. She grabbed a rather thick stick, and with the strength of 50 lumberjacks, launched it at the poor girl, impaling her through her face, and pinning her against the cave wall.
As Ash made his way up to the cave, he jumped up, and claimed that he was ready for Pokéwar. What he saw, however, would scar him for life; the bloody, almost unidentifiable corpse of his personal chef, and the standing, yet lifeless being of his now ex-fuck buddy.
"BROCK, DAAAAAAAAAWN!" Ash screamed, coming to the realization that he now has no friends. He almost felt compassion, but his manliness prevented him from doing so. He turned to the quiet and on-looking Paul and asked, "WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP THEM?"
"Again, this battle is none of my business. This is between you and Team Pathetic over there," said an irritated Paul.
"Does death not even phase you?" asked a wound-up and impatient Ash.
"For your information, no." Paul responded.
"Quick Seviper, use Wrap!" yelled Jessie, as her poisonous python plucked and pressurized the pandering Paul. (STOP.)
"Ursaring, stand by!" yelled Paul, as he was able to let loose the towering titan, only to have it put to sleep instantly by Carnivine's Sleep Powder. "Damn!" Paul yelled in complete dissatisfaction.
"Go, Sta-… oh yeah." Ash said with a glum face, as he remembered the whole purpose of being on this mountain in the first place.
"Ugh! You're so pathetic!" yelled a suffocating Paul, as his face began to match his hair color.
"Carnivine, use Vine Whip!" yelled James with the excitement of a 2-year-old. The vines began to slap at young Ash with extreme force, piercing his skin and breaking his weak spirit.
"Aah! Paul, help me out!" yelled Ash, as he turned to see a deceased Paul within the grasp of the poisonous snake. "Aw, come on!" Ash screamed to the sky (or in this case, the cave ceiling). Just then, Ash had an idea, as Ursaring began to wake up.
"Uuuursa…" Ursaring groaned as it awoke. As it turned to see the corpse of its former master, its eyes began to dilate. "UUUUURSAAAA!" Ursaring screamed, as it began to go on a stampeding rampage towards Seviper.
"Now's my chance! Ursaring, use Explosion!" Ash screamed, as a now confused Ursaring agreed on estranged terms. The boasting bear burst into a billion baron bits (Ugh…), breaking apart the cave walls, and crushing everyone within the cave to a fine dust.
Except for Ash.
Yes, the life saver for the young fool turned out to be his dead friend's Buneary, as he swiftly grabbed the retarded rodent and commanded it to use Protect as the cave walls began collapsing. As the rock slide subsided, he abandoned the stupid rabbit, and left it to suffocate as he climbed up the stories of rubble to safety. As he finally penetrated the stone silo, he looked down, imagined his lost friends, enemies, and Pokémon, and proclaimed with a sigh, "Well, I guess you can't win 'em all!
With those words, Ash walked down the stony structure with the moon shining and a smile on his face. He skipped along happily back to Celestic Town, and began singing:
Does she walk? Does she talk?
Does she come complete?
My homeroom homeroom angel
Always pulled me from my seat
She was pure like snowflakes
No one could ever stain
The memory of my angel
Could never cause me pain
Years go by I'm lookin' through a girly magazine
And there's my homeroom angel on the pages in-between
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold
Slipped me notes under the desk
While I was thinkin' about her dress
I was shy I turned away
Before she caught my eye
I was shakin' in my shoes
Whenever she flashed those baby-blues
Something had a hold on me
When angel passed close by
Those soft and fuzzy sweaters
Too magical to touch
Too see her in that negligee
Is really just too much
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold
It's okay I understand
This ain't no never-never land
I hope that when this issue's gone
I'll see you when your clothes are on
Take you car, Yes we will
We'll take your car and drive it
We'll take it to a motel room
And take 'em off in private
A part of me has just been ripped
The pages from my mind are stripped
Oh no, I can't deny it
Oh yea, I guess I gotta buy it!
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold