This is my first attempted at anything funny, so left me know if I totally and completely missed the mark. Post BDM with Wash alive and I don't own anything. If I did I would be spending my time going to conventions and hanging out with cool people instead of in a classroom.
"Jayne!" Malcolm Reynolds was getting ready for a job and needed his most intimidating man to come with, but he hadn't seen him all morning. "Anyone seen Jayne?" he asked walking into the kitchen.
"I don't think he's up yet capt'n," Kaylee said from her seat at the table, sipping some tea while Inara poured herself a cup at the counter.
"Gorramit, Jayne, wake up!" he yelled, opening the hatch and climbing down the ladder. "We haveta…" Mal stopped dead in his tracks as he saw his little Albatross curled up in an oversized t-shirt and sleeping next to his merc." Tàikōng hóuzi! What the hell is this?!"
It was only then that the slumbering duo awoke. River squeaked in surprise and rolled out of the bed, taking the covers with her. Jayne shocked be the sudden cold and loud screaming turned to see Mal, grabbing the pillow and holding it in front of him as if it might protect him from the glare of his captain.
"AH!" Mal yelled, having just seen more than he ever wanted to. "Get some clothes on!" he barked. The two quickly got to work doing just that as Mal grabbed the COM in the room to make an announcement. "Everyone in the kitchen NOW!"
Kaylee spit her tea. Simon tripped on the stairs and Inara stared at her surrounding with a calm but curious expression. Simon came in and sat down next to Kaylee who gave him a loving peck on the cheek and Wash and Zoe came in soon after.
Mal came in, herding a matty-haired River and a still shirtless Jayne. Mal pulled two chairs away from the table. "Sit," he ordered. Both did and Jayne put on his shirt. The rest of the room remained silent until Zoe spoke up.
"Captain, what's going on?"
"Ah," Mal said. "Well, I'll tell you." He stepped closer to Jayne who looked all manners of uneasy. River was staring at the edge of the table with her head slightly cocked to one side.
Mal continued. "I found River and Jayne in his bunk, in his bed."
"Aw, shiny!" Kaylee said sweetly.
"Jayne?" Zoe looked at him, her voice stoic, but questioning. After a moment, Jayne had no choice but to look at her, warily. "Would you mind explainin'?" It was clear that she felt the mercenary was taking advantage of the youngest member of the crew.
"Woah, now, Zo " Jayne was taken aback.
"Mutually beneficial." River interrupted. "Both adults consented to the relationship."
"What exactly is the relationship?" Mal asked, his eyes whipping back to Jayne. Jayne shrugged and searched for words before Wash spoke.
"What relationship? Don't they hate each other?"
"Obviously not if they're in bed together," his wife answered.
"I don't get it." Wash scratched his head, thinking over the situation.
Kaylee piped up, "People can change their minds."
"But this is Jayne and River."
"I don't much like it."
"HEY."
Everyone quieted down immediately and looked towards the captain. Mal turned to Simon. "Doc, you haven't said anything."
Simon was staring at the table in front of him. "The average human body has approximately 5.5 liters of blood."
"Simon?" Kaylee gently shook him. "What's wrong?"
"If a human loses more than 40 percent of blood, the body will not be able to compensate and the human will die of blood loss."
"I think he's gone mad," Wash said.
Mal looked back to the rest of the table. "Okay, well, obviously he's not going to be any help."
Inara finally spoke up to bring a voice of reason to the group. "Mal, why don't we have River and Jayne explain the situation."
Mal "Yes, explain," he said turning to the two. "Why was she," pointing at River, "in your bed?"
Jayne opened his mouth to respond hoping a very good lie would come out only to be interrupted by River.
"After the night's strenuous activities, energy levels were too low to sustain journey from room in which activity took place to room where normal sleep occurs."
"Oh, my god, too much." Mal.
Wash stared at them. "You mean you two are actually a couple?"
"So, exactly how long have you two been together?" Mal was getting angry at the distrust of the situation.
Jayne finally managed to find some words. "Well, Mal, that really depends on your definition of 'together'."
"You damn well know what I mean. Have you two been more friendly than to my likin'?"
Jayne was about to kick out a steady 'no' when a small hand was placed upon his large forearm. It's meaning was clear enough. Tell the truth.
Jayne stiffened a little and breathed in. "two months," he said.
"So for two months you two have been having these little rendezvous?"
Jayne "Six months since the relationship started. Two months since we've started certain strenuous activities."
Mal shook his head. "Once again, too much."
"Just answering the questions."
"He slept with my sister." Simon was still staring off into space.
"Bit slow, ain't ya." Jayne replied, enjoying the rare occasion of the doctor being out of sorts.
Simon stood up and stared at Jayne. "You SLEPT with my SISTER!"
"Well, he's awake." Wash announced, almost declaring the fight that was about to erupt.
"Nǐ mófǎng, How could you do something so completely idiotic. What, do you like taking advantage of young girls. What kind of sick person gets pleasure from that?!"
"Hey, I didn't take advantage of her," Jayne protested.
"Oh, you didn't?!"
"No, I didn't, and in case you haven't noticed she ain't a girl no more."
"That doesn't make a difference, as far as age and experience. She is not someone for you to fool around with!"
"I ain't foolin' 'round!"
"STOP!" All faces turned to River who had stood up from her seat. "Jayne and I both agreed to this relationship and I am an adult, I can make my own decisions."
"Mèimei," Simon said. "You don't know what you talking about."
"I am perfectly coherent." River said. "I have been for a while. You stopped my medication a couple months after Miranda and ever since then I have been getting better. Part of that is due to Jayne."
"River "
"And just so everyone understands, I initiated the relationship."
Everyone was silent and slightly stunned.
"Now, I have to find my dress and then we have a job to do, Jayne?" River moved out of the dinning area towards Jayne's bunk as he followed.
"Děngdài, we're not done here," Mal said.
"Later, Captain," River said. "We have a job to do. We can discuss this later." River and Jayne left.
The crew was still. Mal was the first to shake himself out of the stunned silence. "She never calls me Captain."
Simon was fuming. "I'm going to go ready my instruments in hopes that he gets shot." Simon left abruptly with Kaylee trailing behind him.
Zoe looked toward the captain. "Sir?"
It was enough for Mal to know what she was thinking. "Do the job," he said, turning to go to the cargo bay. "We'll deal with this later."
Down in Jayne's bunk, the newly discovered couple was having a conversation as River changed into her dress.
"Discovery is sooner than anticipated." River said searching the floor for her dress. "May take time for others to accept, but will be fine in the end." She found her dress before Jayne grabbed her waist and turned her around so they were face to face.
"Yeah, how'd Mal manage to sneak up on ya anyways?"
"Was dreaming happy dreams," she said, almost a little embarrassed being caught off guard. "Wasn't paying attention."
"Good dreams, huh?" Jayne said. "Dreamin' 'bout me, girly?" He didn't give her time to answer as he swooped in and captured her lips in a sweet kiss. She managed a muffled 'um-hm,' against his lips before pulling away.
"We have a job," she said before pulling the dress over her head and straitening it out. "If we don't go, Mal will come looking for us." She headed up the ladder with him following.
"Capt'n ruins all the fun."