Былой Любви
(Lost Love)
Looking at my life before, before Dimitri was awakened, before I dropped out to look for him, before I spent a month trapped in Russia, even before I finally was able to be with him, I realized how much of it I missed. One of the most memorable moments was that snowy day at the old guardian post. The small pond was frozen and by the time I showed up with him, Lissa and Christian were skating out on the ice with Tasha, Christian's aunt. At that point, I was in love with Dimitri and had already been yelled at for kissing him during our morning practice so I knew he didn't care about hurting me when he went with Tasha. I hated that feeling. Jealousy, it burned through my veins.
Curled up by the fire with a blanket, I tried to listen to Lissa as she talked about her day and what she and Christian had done. I could tell she was annoyed through our bond, but I couldn't help but let my attention slip to the 'couple' giggling in the corner like school girls. I rolled my eyes, even though deep down I was hurting. Dimitri loved me, I knew he did. We felt the same way about each other yet he refused to admit it. I was head over heels for that man and he just wouldn't have it. Tasha was older than he was, yet he gave her everything that I wanted from him. I wanted him to laugh and talk with me. I wanted him to open up the way he had to her. I wanted him to show his love the same way I wanted to.
Looking back at how painful it was, I wish I could have that back. Trust me; I know how crazy that sounds. Having him here, even though he wouldn't be mine, would be the greatest. I have had to celebrate everything without him. Without my guardian. I could picture him in the stands during my trials, cheering me on silently as he had that perfect smile on his face. I would do anything to have that back. To have him there beside me, watching as I finally got my promise mark to become just like him. He wouldn't be the Dimitri that I would want him to be, but he would still be there. I wouldn't have him by my side when the two of us became Lissa's guardians but he would still be around. Knowing he is out there beyond my reach is eating at me from the inside. The thought of me not being able to touch him, hold him again was unbearable.
That cabin was the start of everything. The time I realized he wouldn't be mine. The time that he truly was. The time that I lost him. When I left to find him, I promised Adrian that I would give him a chance. After being back for a couple of months, I realized that I would never be able to love someone the way I love Dimitri. Which is hard to say because he is out there, waiting for me to come out so he could kill me. I turned down his offer to be with him for eternity and now it was coming back to haunt me, literally.
I wished that I didn't screw his relationship with Tasha up. That memory of the cabin should be my only one. I don't need to remember the last time because that was when I lost him. Dimitri and Tasha deserved each other, no matter how much I hated it. He would've been able to have a life with her as a guardian. They could have gotten married, had children, grown old together. We wouldn't have had that. We would have been too caught up in our duties to get married or grow old together. Children are out of the question all together. Two dhampirs could never have children.
Sighing, I brought my thoughts back to the present and went over to the guest housing on campus. Adrian and I were having dinner with Lissa but I was running a little late. I looked over at the trees on the far side of the academy, knowing that he was still out there somewhere, waiting for me to crawl out of my protective bubble. I would stay here as long as I could and when they throw me out after graduation, I'll go kicking and screaming.