I never intended it for it to be this way. No, on the other hand, perhaps I did. God knows, however, that I tried to resist the feelings I felt for him when I first realized their true meaning, I even demanded to our father not to have to share a bed with him so that I might not give away my feelings, but I feared discovery above everything else.
Of course, Sam who knows me better then anyone knew and understood before I did. He read through my erratic behaviour and confronted me with the facts, but like a coward I denied the truth. I thought that I had lost him once already when he went to Stanford and that I could not face going through that again. I figured my Sammy would leave one day and it would be easier to face the inevitable if we were simply brothers and not something else much more complicated. Jealousy, however, works in mysterious ways and when I saw Sam with some blonde guy at a bar a few weeks after we ran into Sarah for the first time, I was quick to pull him away. I could handle seeing him with girls, even pimping him out to them when needed, but guys were a different story altogether. I pushed him up against the wall of the alley and I swear I could have seen him smile before I claimed his lips with my own.
Our first tentative kisses reminded me of the ones I had shared with Kate Coulson, the first girl I ever kissed at age eleven. She was older, and soon grew tired of having such an inexperienced admirer. I did not mourn and soon found other girls to suit my interests. It therefore came as a shock to discover my feelings for my brother a few years later. I kept mum about them for several years, even when Sam left for college I did not rock the boat and reveal my true feelings. Both of us found other distractions when we were apart, Sam lived with Jessica and I dated Cassie. Even then, it felt off somehow and I never dared to face the truth, until the day I went to check up on Sam at Stanford, something I did on a regular basis when not on a hunt. One night, as the sun was setting, he was coming home with his arms slung over the shoulder of who I later found out to be Jessica. He noticed my car across the street and waved. Two weeks later, I showed up on his doorstep to drag him on the hunt to find our father. We both knew the truth even though neither one of us addressed it. We were together again and for a long time, that was enough for me. I could reach out and touch him, listen to him breathe as he slept, and that was all I needed. I began sleeping again myself.
Even as I lie here with Sam in my arms, sleeping soundly on my chest, I can remember the hunt which finally brought us together. After the kiss, we did not address it, in true Winchester style. It was only after I had surrendered my life to save his, that he crawled into bed with me the night after Sam had come to understand the truth. "I did not know," he whispered through the darkness as he claimed my lips and I returned that he did now.
From that moment on, we were lovers.
I pry Sam away from my chest, when he wants to he can hold on like a gorilla that boy, and pull on jeans and a black shirt. I put on my boots and open the door to our current motel. The Impala is located outside and I sit down on the hood and gaze up at the stairs.
At these moments, I can feel the presence of something bigger then myself. I can also see it in the face of my brother when I make him smile. At those moments I am grateful for all the losses we have suffered, am even thankful for them. Our mother…father…Jessica…and all the other people who broke the hearts of me and Sam served like compasses to guide us in the right direction. Like seafarers used the Northern star to find their bearings, so did those people point me in the direction of Sam. I see the hand of God who guided us to this moment, towards one another. The path we have traversed was indeed treacherous and difficult to travel, but it was sanctioned by God and blessed by him. There will be others after this one, but the path which lies ahead we will traverse together. It is inevitable, and I for one, am done fighting destiny.
He appears in the doorway wearing a Rolling Stones shirt which belongs to me, pulling on his jeans, his dark hair a mop on his head standing out in every direction. He goes back and when he returns he is wearing my signature leather jacket to help protect him from the cold. He joins me on the hood of the car and we sit there, gazing up at the stars shivering with cold as we watch the moon move in its orbit. At moments such as these, I wish to tell him about how I feel that we are a part of a bigger plan, how we were undoubtedly brought together by fate. Destiny wanted to ensure we would find one another and therefore, we were born into the same family. It gives us a certain distinction from other couples, if we can be called such a ludicrous term. We are not only kindred spirits but the same blood runs through our veins. It unites us, makes us one. As usual, I lack the words.
Wordlessly, Sam takes my hand. "I know, Dean," he finally comments.
"You know, Sammy, I am glad I done picked you."
Sam lets go of my hand and hits me playfully on the shoulder. "I picked you first, you jerk."
"I love you too, you bitch."