When All Those Shadows Almost Killed Your Light
'
The torrential rain of earlier in the day had stopped when Rey started on her way home after a shift at Tractor Bean. The temperature had plummeted and her breath clouded around her as she walked briskly through town. Well, as briskly as she could; it was late night shopping. Halloween had just finished so every shop was now touting Christmas! Christmas NOW!
Rey liked Christmas, but wished it wasn't thrust in your face so much in the run up. She hadn't always like Christmas, it had only be a few years since Finn finally convinced her to join he and Poe in their celebrations. Finn was an orphan like her and Poe had lost his parents a few years ago. Now they always spent Christmas together, with stockings, a miniature Christmas tree and lots of food and cheap wine. They would go for a walk in the afternoon and watch the Doctor Who special in the evening. Die Hard had to watched at some point, and sometimes Home Alone. Poe would make them watch The Box of Delights as well, usually on Christmas eve, and she and Finn would pretend to not want to, secretly they loved it too, but it was always funny making Poe plead for it.
Rey turned off the high street, which was heaving with slow walking people, and escaped down a side road.
As she walked she noticed the people in front of her crossing the road, as if to avoid something.
Once her view was clear, she could see there was a homeless man, sitting in a recessed doorway of a closed shop. The man was huge, a hulking shape in a sleeping bag, with a sweet faced staffie cuddled up against him.
Rey frowned at the people who had crossed the road and made a point of going over to him. Up close the man had long black hair and a beard, and dark, sad eyes with a large scar bisecting his right cheek. He was intimidating but Rey made a point of smiling as she greeted him.
"Hi, can I get you a hot drink and something to eat?"
The man looked surprised and a little wary, it made her sad. He seemed to check behind her, as if expecting that her offer was a trap somehow.
Rey bent down and held out her hand to the staffie, who curiously sniffed it before rubbing his head against her fingers, tail wagging. That appeared to be what the man was waiting for.
"Thank you, I'd appreciate it." His voice was deep and a little rough as if he didn't use it often.
Rey smiled, then glanced down the street, there were quite a few choices, "Anything particular?"
"Tortilla do good burritos," he sounded hesitant.
Rey wondered if his size and dark countenance often put people off from helping him. People were stupid.
"Cool, would you like a coffee or something?"
"Coffee would be great." Wow, his voice really was deep.
Rey gave him another smile and stood, "Back in a bit."
She noticed he didn't watch her walk away, as if he assumed she wouldn't be back. There were many homeless people around town, and as the recession continued, more and more people found themselves out on the streets and it broke her heart, especially at this time of year.
She may struggle for money, but she managed. She was lucky.
Before she went into Tortilla, she nipped into a kebab house and got a cheap burger for the staffie as she didn't think a burrito would be so good for him.
The man hadn't specified which meat he'd like in his burrito so she got him beef along with his coffee and a bottle of water.
The smells in the fast food joint made her stomach growl and Rey got herself a burrito too, then accidently bought two chocolate muffins as well. Because chocolate.
The man really did look surprised when she came back. The tentative smile he offered her made her heart warm in her chest.
"I hope you don't mind but I got your dog a burger as it seemed rude not to get something for him too," she handed him the bag that held his food and water, then his coffee.
"Um, so I got myself a burrito as they looked so good, would you mind if I ate with you? No pressure though, I know some people like to eat alone."
For a moment, he froze, eyes lowered to the floor, then he nodded and shuffled over, making room for her on the wooden pallet he was sitting on to avoid the cold stone slabs of the street.
Rey sat down, careful not to touch him in case it freaked him out - he did seem really fragile.
The staffie settled down between them, grinning up at his master as the man fed him the burger, carefully tearing off chunks and blowing on them a little first. It was sweet he fed the dogbefore himself, ignoring his own needs as he poured some of the bottled water into a small bowl Rey hadn't noticed, so the dog could drink.
Rey started on her burrito, chewing as quietly as she could, feeling a little shy herself. They ate in an almost companionable silence. Rey was interested to see that now people didn't cross the road to pass them by.
As they ate, she was aware of the man's body language slowly relaxing. As she finished her burrito and wiped her hands on a napkin, she thought she'd try talking.
"I'm Rey by the way."
He paused eating for a moment, darting his eyes to hers and then away again, "I'm Ben."
"Nice to meet you, Ben. What's this guys name?" she asked as she rubbed the staffies head.
The man's face softened a little, "That's Tie."
Rey frowned down at the dog, noticing he had quite a lot of scars, "He's been in the wars, hasn't he?"
"We both have…" Ben trailed off as if surprised by what he'd said, then shrugged a little and carried on, "I found him a few years ago, I think he'd been used as a fighter. He was beat up pretty bad but made a good recovery."
Rey's heart melted, "That's amazing… I can't believe the police still haven't put a stop to dog fighting, it's absolutely barbaric." Ben nodded as he sipped at his coffee and Rey remembered the muffins, "Would you like one?" she asked as she held one out.
His eyes crinkled at the corners a little as he accepted it with a soft, "Thanks."
"So, and please feel free not to answer, I don't want to pry, but you said you'd been in the wars too?"
There was a paused then, "I was a marine."
Rey winced internally, so many homeless people were ex military, "Adjusting can be hard," she answered gently, "Do you have family?"
Ben's jaw clenched a little and she was worried that she had pushed too far, but the he sighed and leaned back against the wall, Tie snuggling against him. "Yeah, I have family… but I, I haven't spoken to them in a long time." He glanced at her then away again, shifting slightly as he pulled a blanket out from behind him and offered it to her, "You look cold."
Rey took the blanket, it wasn't too clean, but she couldn't find it in herself to care, he was opening up to her and something told her he hadn't talked properly to anyone other than Tie in a long time. Refusing his kindness would be insulting and she didn't want him to stop talking… and she was cold. She tucked it around herself, moving a little closer to him so she could tuck it over Tie too. He smiled at that. It was a nice smile.
"So, again, you don't have to answer and feel free to tell me to shut up any time, but how come you haven't seen your family?"
He grimaced and looked away and Rey instantly felt guilty at the loss of his smile. She put out her hand, touching him gently on the shoulder, "I'm sorry, we can talk about something else?"
He seemed to gather his courage and looked back at her, his gaze turned inward as he spoke, "I found it hard adjusting, when I got back home… I went back to live with my Mum and Dad… but I had, or have, I guess I should say, P.T.S.D…" he trailed off and glanced at her nervously, as if he expected her to draw away from him in horror.
Rey just nodded, "If it makes you feel any better, I have P.T.S.D too, I know it's difficult to live with."
If anything he looked astonished, "You do?"
Rey gave him a crooked smile, "Yeah. It's shitty, but it gets better I promise."
He looked away, "It got so bad, I started lashing out… and then one day I hit my old man. I didn't mean to, but I couldn't stay with them anymore, I couldn't face hurting them… so, here I am, I guess."
Rey placed her hand on his shoulder, "I think your parents would want to know how you are, Ben."
He shook his head, "They're better off without me, I'm nothing."
The anguish in his quiet tone made her chest ache, "No one is nothing, Ben. And look at Tie! You saved him, you've cared for him, he's clearly happy to be with you. And that means something. I've come across some truly terrible people in my life, and I know you aren't one, you just need some help and some time."
He flashed his dark eyes at her, "And how would you know? I could be a monster, you only met me an hour ago."
"If you were a monster you would have left Tie to die, but you didn't… and anyway, I have a sixth sense when it comes to scoping people out."
He tilted his head, "What gave you P.T.S.D?"
Rey shrugged, "Nothing so bad as going to war."
He raised an eyebrow at her. She hadn't wanted to make this about her, or compare herself with him, she'd only told him so he felt more comfortable talking to her as she could see trust was a big issue. But if she didn't talk about it now, he may think she had been lying to him.
Rey sighed, "I was in the foster care system since I was five, some of the 'families' I was placed with, were free with their fists but tightfisted with food… There was some other abuse and it took me a long time to deal with it."
"What got you through?"
Rey looked up to meet his eyes and gave him a small smile, "Talking about it, I found a good doctor, I met my best friend, I got a job and went to college… it's still there, I'm not sure it ever goes away completely, but I can deal with it… I could give you the name of my doctor if you like? She's local."
"You make it sound so easy," there was a defeated tone to his voice.
Rey shook her head, "It's not. It will probably be the hardest thing you ever do, there will be times when you feel you won't make it through, but keep going. Your first steps will be the hardest, and you may not always see it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and if you just keep going, you'll find it."
She felt a little embarrassed by her speech, worried she had come across as patronising. She rummaged in her bag for some paper and a pen and wrote down the name and address of her doctor's surgery. "My doctor is called Maz, she can be a little bit weird, but is really nice. When you speak to reception, try and talk to the short girl with dark hair, she's much more friendly than the other receptionists."
She looked up to find him watching her, she wasn't sure what his expression meant, it was a little raw, a little hopeful and something else she couldn't identify.
As he took the piece of paper she offered him, she was surprised to notice as their fingers brushed, that somehow his hands were warm when hers were freezing.
It started to spit and Rey looked around anxiously, trying to work out if he'd stay dry where he was, "Do you have an umbrella?"
He shook his head and Rey dug hers out of bag, "It isn't the best, but I have a hood on my coat."
"You've already done enough, I don't want you to get wet."
Rey rolled her eyes at him and his lips turned up a little as she opened the umbrella, "I have loads at home, don't worry. But it'll only cover one person, and I should go and do some studying anyway." She pulled off the blanket she had been using, then shuddered at the dip in temperature, before standing. The rain was getting heavier and she was afraid it would be a repeat of this mornings deluge. She shook her head at herself and pulled out twenty pounds, she could make the rest of her money stretch and he needed this so much more than she did.
"There's a hostel down by Church street that accepts dogs. I think the weather is going to get much worse."
He shook his head, keeping his hands on Tie, "It's okay, we'll stay dry here now we've got the umbrella."
Rey chewed her lip, she didn't want to bully him or wound his pride, he had already accepted her help and she knew it was probably more than he had in a long time. It was best not to push too hard. So she put the twenty back in her pocket, even though she knew she'd have trouble sleeping tonight.
That was her problem, not his.
"Well, it was nice to meet you both," she smiled, "Thanks for having dinner with me, it was nice to have the company." She was being honest, whether he believed her or not.
"Thank you, for the food... and for listening," he sounded hesitant again. Her heart bled for him, but at least he had Tie, he wasn't completely alone.
The rain really was coming down now, with a deep sense of regret she said goodnight and hurried home. Part of her was berating herself for not just inviting him to sleep on her sofa, though he would have hardly fit. But she knew he wouldn't have accepted and if by some miracle he had, she wasn't without her own issues and having a stranger, no matter how nice, in her home would have freaked her out. Her having a panic attack would not have been good for him.
Still, she felt guilty as she entered the warmth of her tiny studio flat and shucked her dripping coat, then boiled the kettle. Knowing Ben and Tie were outside in the cold, upset her greatly.
Wrapping a blanket around her shoulders, she settled under her duvet, and started to do her coursework. She needed the distraction.
'
'
Ben was relieved and disappointed both, when Rey left to go home. It had been ages since he'd talked to someone like that.
He tucked Tie in next to him, angling the umbrella so it kept the rain off them. The little dog made a happy groan as he pulled his silky ears and thought over the conversation.
Rey had been the first person in years who seemed interested him, despite his past or his problems...
And he wanted to kiss her. He hadn't wanted to even touch any one in a long time, so the urge had come as a complete surprise. But she wouldn't want him, not as he was, no matter how kind she was… he snorted softly to himself, as if she could ever want him anyway, and just why was he even thinking about this?
Perhaps it was because he was afraid to think about the larger issues. He always tried to ignore the darkness inside him, pretend it wasn't there even when it ruled him. He had thought that if he cut himself off from people, there would be no one he could hurt… well, except himself.
Now he wondered if he had been wrong. He had to admit that since he found Tie, the darkness inside him had lost its dominion somewhat. Rey was right about that at least, he couldn't look into Tie's eyes and see a monster reflected back at him.
He sighed as he cuddled Tie closer, grateful for the warmth the dinner and coffee had afforded him, and she had even bought something for Tie.
His mind drifted, going back over her words and expressions. There was a feeling of anger that rose up in him again, when he thought about Rey as a child being abused. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt anger over someone elses mistreatment, apart from Tie that is.
It was almost as if he had been sleepwalking, and Rey had awoken him… he rolled his eyes at himself, then looked down at Tie, "You want to meet Chewie?" If Chewie was even still alive... Suddenly, he felt violently homesick. It was like a dam had burst, one that had been withholding his humanity, keeping it back and Rey had dropped a metaphorical bouncing bomb.
Tie whined in concern and he stroked his head with one hand, as he wiped away the strangely warm rain that covered his face with his other hand, ignoring the tremble of his fingers.
As he looked out at the rainy street, his eyes fell on the umbrella. It was a pivotal moment.
He gathered his meagre belongings, stuffing them into a plastic carrier and folded his sleeping bag and blanket, piling them on the pallet out of the rain.
"Come on Tie, we're taking a walk," he told the confused looking dog as he grabbed the umbrella.
They walked down the street, avoiding large puddles and other people. Ben made his way to one of the only telephone boxes still around. As he and Tie went inside, trying to ignore the stench of piss, Ben battled that tightness in his throat and the panic than was trying to claw its way out of his chest.
It took him twenty minutes of standing there before he could pick up the receiver and dial the operator.
He could feel his heartbeat throbbing in his ears and neck, he had to shut his eyes against the dizziness as he requested a reverse charge call. And when the call was accepted he almost threw up his burrito.
"Ben?" it was his father's voice, and shame overwhelmed him.
He hung up.
He crouched down on the floor of the phone box, no longer noticing the fetid air… he lost some time. It was Tie worriedly licking his face that brought him back to himself.
God he was weak. He was so fucking pathetic, what made him think he could do this?
Your first steps will be the hardest.
His head ached, but he kissed Tie's head, stood again, and picked up the phone.