Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat lived just long enough to exact its revenge.
Welcome to Night Vale.
We have received numerous reports that old pine doors have begun appearing all over town. These doors stand unsupported and are visible only from one side, and they open onto a landscape very much unlike our own.
Janice Rio, from down the street, told us that one of these doors appeared in her backyard this morning, and that she opened the door to reveal a landscape of dense, wet forest, out of which came a small army of what appeared to be living garden gnomes. Three of these mysterious creatures came through the door before Janice was able to shut it. She went on to note that the gnomes have since been rooting through her garbage, and asked for advice regarding how to rid her yard of these pests. Listeners, if you have any information that could be of assistance to Janice, simply whisper it into the nearest potted plant and the Sheriff's Secret Police will pass along the information to her shortly.
I tried to contact Carlos and ask him if he had seen any of these doors in the desert otherworld in which he is tr-... living at the moment, but when I went to look up his number my phone grew eight legs and scuttled away, and it is currently climbing up the studio walls and hissing, so... I think I'll wait for him to call me first.
And now, a look at traffic.
On Route 800, the roads are clear as far as the eye can see. Where there once stood long, winding paths of dark asphalt, there now appears to be nothing but a chasm extending deep into the earth's molten core. The roads are still usable, and in fact are smoother than ever before, but several accidents have occurred due to the lack of dividing lines that are visible to human eyes. Consider staying off Route 800 today if at all possible.
This has been traffic.
An old pine door was opened above the construction site of the Old Town Drawbridge just a few minutes ago. While several residents were there to see the door open, none of them saw who had done it, or indeed, could recall anybody else being there at all. Each witness said that they had just been driving by, the roads entirely empty besides their own vehicle, and that they just happened to be looking over at the drawbridge when the door opened. When informed that multiple other individuals had been present at the scene, the witnesses all responded with the words, "Huh. Well, how about that."
But someone, or something, has opened a door by the Old Town Drawbridge. And when that door opened, it gushed out water on a massive scale, filling the surrounding area with several feet of water that carried with it a number of colorful and very startled fish. The Old Town Drawbridge, which was directly in the center of this sudden flood, collapsed and sank into the drenched desert sands until there was no sign that it had ever been there.
Pamela Winchell, Director of Emergency Press Conferences, called an emergency press conference to address the unexpected loss of the Old Town Drawbridge. This press conference consisted of twenty minutes of silence followed by Pamela slowly eating her microphone.
And now, here are today's horoscopes.
Libra: Watch your back. Keep watching, no matter what. There is definitely something on your back.
Scorpio: The stars would like to inform you that you should really stop trusting them so much. They've just been making up this whole horoscope business, and frankly, they're downright embarrassed by how much you've bought into it.
Sagittarius: Look down. No, further down than that. Do you like what you see, Sagittarius? I certainly hope so, because it's yours now. No returns, no exchanges.
Capricorn: This is a good time to do some real soul-searching. Look all around for your soul. Where could that thing have gotten off to now?
Aquarius: The world as you know it is going to change. The world as you don't know it is going to change. The world is going to change regardless of how well you know its present state of being.
Pisces: You cannot pick your nose. Your nose picked you out of an endless stream of faces long ago. It would be unwise to question its decision.
Aries: If you've been feeling down lately, have you considered changing your diet? More specifically, you should really stop eating those whole wheat tortillas, Aries. The Sheriff's Secret Police have already been alerted. Do not bother resisting.
Taurus: Call out into the night, though nobody is there to listen. Hear your voice ring out. Your voice is small and weak, Taurus, and yet, it is your own. Think how far your small, perfect voice must travel through the far reaches of the desert to echo back into your small, perfect ears. So call, if only so that you can let your ears return proof that you are still able to call.
Gemini: A grandmother of five, a small business owner, a regular soup kitchen volunteer. Which of these most deserves to live? Which of these makes the woman behind the labels have a life worth living?
Cancer: This week, try to focus on your personal growth. Eat well, and see if you can get yourself to grow, just a little bit. Eat and eat and grow and grow until you can no longer fit inside your own home, then wander the wilderness on your own, comforted by the knowledge of how much you have managed to grow.
Leo: Before the day ends, you shall dine on the blood of our enemies. Well, you don't have to, but they're just giving it away downtown, and it'd be pretty foolish not to take advantage of that.
Virgo: Is your refrigerator running? Has it been jogging all day? I certainly hope so. A healthy refrigerator means a healthy life.
This has been today's horoscopes.
Listeners, a strange creature has just appeared in my studio. It is a human-shaped figure, with obsidian eyes and bat-like wings, and it is floating above the ground at about the same height as Khoshekh.
The best way that I can describe this being is... definitely not a demon.
It is currently repeating every word that I say in a high-pitched voice and opening and closing its hand, which is covered in bright blue fire, in what appears to be a mocking gesture.
As I attempt to converse with this difficult-to-describe being, I take you, dear listeners, to the weather.
The Weather
During the break, I had a conversation with this not-at-all-demonic entity. He introduced himself to me as Alcor the Dreambender, and I introduced myself as Cecil, the radio host. He claimed to be a demon. I informed him that he could not possibly be a demon, as demons do not exist. He said nothing in response, merely grinned, revealing a set of sharp fangs.
I asked this Alcor the Dreambender why he had come to Night Vale, and the being explained that he knew no more about these pine doors than we did, that he knew only of his own world and not those beyond it, and that he was simply curious about what our world was like.
I then inquired as to whether he knew anything about Carlos and the desert otherworld in which he is- in which he is, and he said... no. That that, too, must be another world, another reality outside of that which he calls home.
I informed him that, given our track record, maybe it wasn't the best idea to let these doors stick around for too long, but the demon- or, you know, not demon- replied that he was pretty sure he'd know if his home world was in danger. When I told him that this wasn't that reassuring for those not from his own reality, Alcor the Dreambender just shrugged and disappeared in a puff of black smoke, leaving behind the faint scent of sulfur.
So... I suppose... that's that. Whatever these pine doors are, whatever danger they may have brought to our little burg, it sounds as though they're going to be here for a while. And if we cannot get rid of these otherworldly interlopers, all that is left for us to do is wait and see what they have to offer. Perhaps these outsiders will do us no harm. Perhaps, as with another outsider that we have grown to know so well, their presence will, in fact, make our community even stronger than before.
Only time will tell, and time is not eager to share its secrets.
Stay tuned next for static slowly building in volume until, even after you switch off your radio, you can hear nothing else.
Good night, Night Vale. Good night.
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The Voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.
This episode's weather was Revelation Blues by The Tallest Man on Earth. Find out more at .com.
Questions? Comments? Send me a message at .com.
Today's Proverb: Shoot for the moon. If you miss, keep shooting. We'll take the moon down eventually.