The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is eating some waffles. Just some musings from my tiny little mind while waiting for Season 8 to start. This takes place very shortly after The Bank of Mallory Archer. That very night actually.
The Waffle Club
"I can't believe my mother made us all steal toilet paper," Archer grumbled as he drove a large white van through the streets of LA.
"I can't believe how easy it was to steal toilet paper," Ray remarked. He sat in the back of the van with Pam and Cheryl. "As well as paper towels, tissues…"
"Those tiny bottles of shampoo and conditioner," Pam said. "I got a butt load of those!"
"Me too," Ray nodded. "And some food from the kitchen."
"And towels," Cheryl grinned. "Don't forget the towels. Stolen towels are always the best!"
"Not to mention these sweet ass shower massagers," Pam pulled one out of her bag. "From now on shower time is Pammy Time. What? It wasn't like they were that hard to unscrew."
"And you're not that hard to screw," Cheryl added.
"Flatterer," Pam snorted.
"How many did you take?" Ray asked.
"Only three or four," Pam waved.
"You need three or four shower massagers?" Archer asked. "Even you're not that fat!"
"No dumb ass!" Pam waved. "I'm saving the other three for trades. Like I'll trade one to Krieger for a favor."
"Do I even want to know what kind of favor you want Krieger to do?" Archer groaned.
"Is it legal?" Ray asked.
"Define legal," Pam remarked.
"I withdraw the question," Ray groaned. "Why didn't you just take the damn furniture while you were at it?"
"Uh hello?" Pam pointed. "Where do you think those chairs came from?"
"Oh dear sweet lord," Ray groaned.
"What? They go perfectly in my apartment," Pam said.
"They really do," Cheryl nodded.
"I hate to say it but some of this stolen stuff could really help my budget," Lana admitted. "Mostly the food and shampoo. But I'm amazed we were able to sneak in and take what we wanted without any trouble."
"Oh please," Cheryl waved. "Half the staff are secretly on the take from me. And the other half are too drunk or stoned or don't speak enough English to squeal."
"They hate Tiffy too huh?" Pam asked.
"They hate their paychecks," Cheryl explained. "After my brother went poor for a bit he really started to cut back."
"Speaking of cutting back," Archer grumbled. "I'd love to cut back some time with Mother. I really need to eat something."
"So do I," Lana sighed. "Ron said he'd watch AJ until we got back so I guess we have time. For something really cheap considering our cash flow problems. Most likely the food we just stole."
"Maybe McDonald's is having a sale?" Ray quipped sarcastically.
"Let's go to the Seashore Diner," Pam said. "That's an iconic LA diner that has a 1940's theme. It's not that far from here. And their Belgian waffles are supposed to be amazing!"
"Is that like the Ocean Diner?" Lana asked.
"It's comparable," Pam shrugged.
"I could eat," Ray admitted. "I like chicken and waffles."
"I love waffles!" Cheryl called out. "Waffles!"
"I could go for waffles," Archer said. "Okay waffles it is!"
"And how are we going to pay for these waffles?" Lana asked. "Keeping in mind we just had to steal toilet paper and other supplies."
"Well remember how I told Mother I lost over five grand playing that hide the ball game?" Archer asked.
"Yes," Lana gave him a look.
"I actually won fifteen," Archer smirked.
"You won one of those con artist street games?" Ray gasped.
"Won, beat up the guy who tried to con me in an alley," Archer shrugged. "Same difference. Oh, don't look at me like that! What's he going to do? Go to the cops?"
"All right! Archer's buying!" Pam whooped.
"What makes you think I'm paying for you three?" Archer snapped. "I mean Carol, you're the billionaire! You can pay."
"Or I could just tell your mother that you actually have fifteen thousand dollars and didn't lose five thousand," Cheryl grinned.
"She's got you there Archer," Pam pointed out.
"And I'm guessing if I don't pay for dinner you'll all tell Mother?" Archer groaned. "Including you Lana?"
"Especially me," Lana gave him a look. "Mostly because it's your fault we ended up stealing toilet paper in the first place!"
"How is this…?" Archer sputtered. "Never mind. I give up. I'm too damn hungry. I think LA is making me soft. I never used to give into paying so fast."
"It's waffles Archer," Lana rolled her eyes. "It's not exactly the most expensive meal in the world."
"Do you know what the most expensive meal I ever had was?" Pam spoke up.
"Besides that cocaine covered omelet filled with caviar you used to eat almost every morning in San Marcos?" Lana asked.
"Okay technically second," Pam admitted. "Those three hundred dollar ribs from the Tuntmore Hotel. Remember Cheryl? We were spying on Lana and Archer to see if they'd bang."
"Oh yeah," Cheryl laughed. "Back when I was a kid Aunt Lavinia Tunt used to have her servants make this really big Christmas breakfast buffet once year with quail eggs, caviar, gold flakes, Yubari melons, white truffle, Scottish lobster…Those were actually pretty awesome. Until Aunt Lavinia died from an overdose of gold flakes and cocaine in her caviar."
"I think the most expensive meal I ever ate was when Archer took me to Serendipity for my birthday," Lana remembered. "Remember the first few months we dated? The first time around?"
"Yeah, we had that three-hundred-dollar burger," Archer remembered. "And we topped it off with that frozen hot chocolate sundae."
"Wait," Ray realized. "Is that the one with the gold flakes?"
"It's got a blend of 28 types of cocoas," Cheryl explained. "Some of the most expensive in the world. It's decorated with edible gold and served in a goblet lined with edible gold. And there's an 18 karat gold bracelet with 1 karat of diamonds in the bottom of the sundae."
"Are you joking?" Pam's jaw dropped. "Tell me you're joking!"
"Nope. It also came with a golden spoon decorated in white and chocolate diamonds which I got to keep," Lana added.
"Holy golden flaked diamond encrusted shit snacks," Pam whistled.
"My Dad used to take me out for those at least once a month for a while," Cheryl added. "It was kind of our bonding moment."
"For twenty-five grand it should be a stuck together with crazy glue moment," Lana admitted.
"Are you…?" Pam gasped. "Okay Cheryl! I know where you are taking me for my next birthday and what we are doing!"
"Uh no!" Cheryl said.
Pam responded by grabbing her throat. "I mean okay!" Cheryl giggled with glee.
"Thought you'd see it my way," Pam let go.
"You took Lana to Serendipity on her birthday?" Ray whistled. "Girl I am jealous!"
"Well we only just started dating," Archer admitted. "And I wanted to keep it cheap."
"Hang on!" Pam did a double take. "You think a three-hundred-dollar burger followed by a twenty-five-grand ice cream sundae added with a diamond encrusted spoon and bracelet is a cheap date?"
"Starting to see why your mother gets so mad about your expense account," Ray blinked.
"Wish my dates were that damn cheap," Pam whistled.
"Me too," Ray nodded.
"So what is the most expensive meal you ever had Archer?" Pam asked. "I gotta hear this."
"This should be a challenge," Lana said. "Considering you used to eat Eggs Woodhouse almost every day."
"Not every day," Archer said. "Two to five times a week tops!"
"Wow," Ray blinked. "Forget the alcohol, bullets and venereal diseases. How hasn't cholesterol killed you by now?"
"I have a superior metabolism," Archer shrugged. "Always have, always will."
"Not if you keep abusing your body like that," Ray warned him. "Especially when you get older."
"If he gets older," Cheryl scoffed.
"So, what is the most expensive meal you ever had?" Lana asked Archer. "Keep in mind alcohol alone doesn't qualify as a meal."
"That five-thousand-dollar burger in Las Vegas," Archer said. "Remember Lana? We spent the weekend tearing up that penthouse suite at the Mandalay Bay. Saw the shark tank exhibit. The hot tub in our room. The whipped cream all over the bathroom. Man, that was a crazy weekend wasn't it Lana? I think one of the best in my life. Wasn't it Lana? Lana?"
"Archer…" Lana narrowed her eyes.
"LANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Archer shouted.
"WHAT?" Lana shouted.
"Sorry," Archer chuckled. "Force of habit. You were saying?"
"You never took me to Vegas," Lana glared at him. "Let alone Mandalay Bay!"
"I didn't?" Archer blinked.
"NO!" Lana snapped.
"Huh," Archer blinked. "Oh that's right. I hired a hooker that weekend. What was her name?"
"Archer…" Lana growled.
"I want to say Garnet but I know that's not right," Archer said. "Garnet is a cartoon character. Played by Estelle."
"Archer…" Lana warned.
"Now the name Estelle reminds me of Estelle Getty," Archer went on. "Who was on the Golden Girls and The Golden Palace. Gold! The last name of that hooker was Gold! I remember that!"
"Archer…" Lana glared at him.
"So, the first name has to have something to do with the name Gold," Archer reasoned. "I know it was some kind of precious stone or semi-precious stone. I know it's not ebony. Too obvious. So something Gold."
"Archer…"
He went on. "That makes me think of the actress Tracy Gold. Who was on the classic sitcom Growing Pains. With Alan Thicke. Did you know Alan Thicke wrote a lot of game show themes? Like Joker's Wild. The original Wheel of Fortune theme. Celebrity Sweepstakes. The Diamond Head Game…. Diamond! Diamond Gold! That was the hooker I spent a weekend with in Monterey Bay! That's the name!"
"You done?" Lana growled.
"Oh yeah," Archer shook his head. "That was figuratively killing me."
"Remind me one of these days to literally kill you!" Lana snapped.
"Okay it's my turn," Ray spoke up. "Before Lana literally kills Archer."
"What was it?" Archer asked. "A wing ding bucket at Kentucky Fried Chicken?"
"No, Galloping Douche-che," Ray gave him a look. "An almost six-hundred-dollar sushi dinner at Masa."
"How did you afford a meal like that?" Archer gasped.
"Slept with the head chef," Ray shrugged.
"That would do it," Pam admitted. "I'm texting Krieger and Cyril to meet us at the diner."
"You expect me to pay for their waffles too?" Archer barked.
"Considering that they are covering your ass with the IRS…" Lana gave him a look. "As well as the rest of us…"
"Again, I am getting too soft," Archer grumbled.
"No, you still are soft," Lana gave him a look. "In the head."
"You know…?" Archer looked at her.
Twenty minutes later….
"This place is awesome," Archer looked around. It was a beautiful diner with 40's décor and movie posters everywhere. The gang sat at a large booth eating waffles, fried chicken, French fries, milkshakes and other foods.
"It does have a nice atmosphere, doesn't it?" Pam said as she finished stuffing her face with a waffle. "Hope Krieger and Cyril get here soon."
"I don't," Archer grumbled as he ate his waffle. "Don't get me wrong guys. LA has been fun so far but…If you tell my mother this I will literally…"
"Murder us," Pam finished his sentence.
"We know," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "You tell us that every freaking time! Change the record once in a while!"
"It is a tad predictable," Ray shrugged. "Go on."
"As I was saying…" Archer then stopped. "Am I really getting that predictable?"
"YES!" Pam and Cheryl said as one.
"Like the sands in the hourglass," Ray drawled. "So are the threats on our lives. Go on."
"Okay fine," Archer took out a flask and poured the contents into his milkshake. "As I was saying, being a detective hasn't exactly turned out the way I thought it would."
"Well other than the bimbos falling over you what did you think being a detective would be like?" Lana asked.
"I dunno," Archer shrugged before he took a sip of his spiked milkshake. "More murder mysteries. Shady cops on the take in the shadows. Powerful mob bosses with secrets. Beautiful women in gorgeous dresses with secrets. Violence and gunfights around every corner. Nice clean cut expensive suits. That for some reason never did get wrecked by the violence and gunfights."
"Well we definitely have the violence part down pat," Ray remarked.
"I could go for that," Pam said. "The dames in dresses with legs up to there and the guys in suits. Rarrr…"
"Yeah you'd be a regular Pam Spade," Lana rolled her eyes.
"I think I would have done well being a detective in the forties," Archer said semi wistfully as he had a forkful of waffle. "That time period was almost perfect for being a detective."
"Yeah if you're a straight white male," Lana said. "It'd be great for you! The rest of us…Not so much."
"Do you have to be so politically correct about everything?" Archer snapped.
"Do you have to be so clueless about everything else in the world besides yourself?" Lana snapped.
"I'm just saying that time period had its moments," Archer shrugged.
"Yeah war, racism, genocide, segregation, sexism, polio…" Lana drawled. "Who'd not want to go back to that?"
"Well not the polio part obviously," Cheryl said. "Tunts were very susceptible to that before they came up with a vaccine. Seriously at least a third of my family died from polio."
"Oh God," Ray realized. "Guys do not let Krieger make an actual time machine!"
"Ray even I think screwing with the space time continuum would be a bad idea," Archer agreed. "Knowing Krieger he'd probably end up replacing the human race with a race of intelligent pigs."
"Intelligent radioactive pigs," Ray added.
"Note to self, bad idea to let Krieger make a time machine," Pam nodded. "Got it."
"I'm just saying guys," Archer had a far off look on his face. "The whole detective noir thing…There's glamor, mystery, excitement, romance, danger…Intrigue in the shadows. It's fascinating."
"Look I'm not saying the genre of noir is bad," Lana told Archer. "But that time period from the perspective of people like me isn't exactly…What are you staring at?"
She then turned around to get an exact look at what Archer's perspective was. "A SHANGHAI MOON POSTER?" Lana shouted.
"Huh?" Archer did a double take. "Did you say something Lana?"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Lana shouted. "You can't even stop gawking at Veronica F # # #%% Deane right in front of me?"
"Uh…" Archer blinked.
Lana responded by taking Archer's milkshake and throwing it in his face. Then she stormed out of the booth.
"What the hell is going on?" Cyril asked as he and Krieger walked in. "What did we miss?"
"I know Lana didn't miss," Pam laughed.
"Pow! Right in the kisser!" Cheryl laughed.
"That we saw," Krieger said. "What happened?"
"I'll go after her," Ray sighed as he got up to follow Lana.
"What did you do this time?" Cyril snapped at Archer.
"You couldn't even stop ogling A Veronica Deane poster in front of Lana?" Pam laughed. "Damn you got it bad."
"He did what?" Cyril started to laugh. "Man, Archer you are dumb!"
Archer glared at Cyril. He then grabbed Pam's milkshake and threw it at Cyril's face, soaking him.
Ray went to the women's bathroom. "Lana? Lana?" He tapped on the door. "I'm coming in!" He went in and saw Lana holding onto a sink. "Lana, are you crying?"
"I'm not crying!" Lana snapped. "I'm just trying to not kill Archer!"
"Come on honey," Ray sighed. "You know Archer is just being an idiot and thinking with his dick."
"As usual," Lana growled as she pulled away from the sink. "He's not even trying to hide it anymore Ray!"
"I know," Ray patted her back.
"He's driving me crazy!" Lana fumed. "I all I want to do is drive him as crazy as…He makes me."
"Lana I know that look," Ray warned. "That look usually leads to trouble."
"Just saying maybe Archer should get a taste of his own medicine?" Lana smirked.
"You're going to try and make Archer jealous?" Ray asked.
"Well not with Cyril obviously," Lana waved. "That ship has sailed. Although…Ellis Crane did seem interested in me. Not that I would actually sleep with him…Probably not. Okay maybe go out to dinner first and see where the night takes us?"
"Lana, you know better than this!" Ray warned. "Playing games will only make things worse! Especially if you play Archer's game!"
"Oh what do you know about it Ray?" Lana challenged.
"A lot as it turns out," Ray said. "I've done my share of game playing over the years and one thing I've noticed is that it never ends well when I do. Lana you said you wanted this time to be different. But if you play the same games Archer is playing it won't be!"
"Yes it will," Lana told him. "Because I'll win!"
"Lana please…" Ray warned. "Let's just go back to the table and finish our meal…"
"Archer is going down!" Lana had an evil look in her eye. Without thinking she grabbed the sink again. "He is so going to pay!"
Without thinking Lana pulled at the sink with all her might.
KRRUNNKKK!
SPURT! FLLLOOOOSH!
"Oops," Lana gulped as she dropped the sink. Water spurted out from the broken pipe and started to spray all over the bathroom.
"Dukes! This could be problematic," Ray winced. "We should go."
"We should," Lana gulped.
"Anybody asks it was like that when we got in there," Ray said as they hustled out the door.
"Good plan," Lana said. "Let's just get the others and quietly…."
As they looked out they saw their friends in a frenzied food fight. "This is another instance that is problematic," Ray winced. "And rather messy."
"Can't leave them alone for a minute, can we?" Lana groaned.
"Said the woman who trashed a sink?" Ray gave her a look.
"Good point," Lana groaned. A siren was heard. "Oh shit!"
"Hang on honey!" Ray grabbed Lana, swung her over his shoulder and used his super speed to run out the back door.
"Not agaiiiiiinn!" Lana yelled.
Meanwhile Archer was getting clobbered by Pam slapping him with waffles. Cheryl was dumping a milkshake on Cyril's head. Krieger was enjoying the splatter while eating the occasional stray piece of food flying around him.
"That'll teach you to steal my milkshake you old bitch humping…" Pam began. Then she noticed several policemen run in. "Hey! Who called the cops?"
Later that evening back at the Figgis Agency…
"So," Mallory looked at the gang in the bullpen. Most of them covered in food. "Care to explain how you idiots screwed up this time? No? Lana? Your thoughts? If any."
"Archer's fault," Lana said quickly.
"No, it's not!" Archer protested. "Lies! You're the one who wrecked the bathroom!"
"You're the one who started the food fight!" Pam shouted.
"That was Lana too!" Archer said.
"No! You threw Pam's milkshake at me for no reason!" Cyril shouted.
"The reason was that Lana threw my milkshake in my face!" Archer shouted. "And it was a really good milkshake!"
"Only because you couldn't stop ogling Veronica Deane!" Lana snapped.
"So this is a Veronica Deane thing?" Mallory rolled her eyes. "Quelle surprise!"
"You're just lucky I knew the owner of the restaurant," Ron walked in holding AJ. "And convinced her not to press charges."
"Yes, Ron," Mallory grumbled. "I've heard enough about your old flame."
"Well now you know how it feels!" Ron snapped. "How do you like the taste of your own medicine?"
"This isn't about me!" Mallory snapped.
"Conveniently," Archer remarked.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "I was trying to save money and these idiots are going to cost me even more because I have to pay for damages and repairs!"
"How were those idiots going to a diner saving you money?" Ron asked.
"We were stealing toilet paper for the agency," Pam explained.
"I withdraw the question," Ron groaned.
"And paper towels and stuff," Pam went on.
"I said I withdraw the question," Ron gave her a look.
"Which basically we used half of already," Pam said. "Lucky for us the cops didn't search the van."
"They were too busy scarfing down free waffles," Ray groaned.
"So, you were robbing the diner of toilet paper?" Ron asked incredulously.
"No," Cheryl laughed. There were French fries in her hair. "We were robbing a hotel that belongs to my stupid brother's stupid girlfriend."
"You were robbing the hotel," Krieger corrected. "Cyril and I were breaking into the files of the IRS."
"WHAT?" Ron yelled.
"Only to cover up the fact that most of us never paid any taxes," Krieger shrugged.
"Mallory," Ron gave his wife a look. "Remember the other day when I said I had a whole list of reasons why you should quit this detective thing? I just found another reason to put on the list!"
"And I just found another reason to murder all of you idiots," Mallory groaned.
"Like you need one more of those," Archer smirked. Everyone glared at him. "What?"