Authors Note: I own nothing except the thing masquerading as a plot.
So here we are. My second attempt at Narnian Meta-Fiction humour. It's probably a complete failure but let me know what you think. Also if you have a specific paring or story (such as Mary Sue verses Eustace and Jill) that you want the NCK to tackle let me know either in a PM (available through my profile page) or in a review and I'll see what I can do.
Happy Reading and May Aslan be with you.
A Conversation With the Pevensies.
Being a Fanfiction writer is a bit hard on the old psyche. Combine flighty BETA's, absentee reviewers and a maelstrom of ideas but never anything to write them all down on and you can see why we are all a bit potty.
But nothing; not even watching you story refuse to upload for the fifth time in a row does more damage to your sanity, than finding fictional characters in the real world.
One morning a few days after the NCK response squad had mysteriously appeared in my room and convinced me to write them back into Canon I walked into the self same study and found a slightly battered looking Peter Pevensie cowering in the corner.
"Hello" I said cheerfully (cheerful on the outside that it. On the inside I was trying to decide what the chances were he hadn't seen or heard me so I could make a quick escape. I had an essay due see and I didn't really have time to deal with paranoid story characters. Especially one's who didn't belong to me.)
"Quick" he whimpered (that's right Peter the Magnificent, High King of Narnia whimpered) "close the curtains."
"Why?" I asked
"Cause she might see me"
"Okay" I said closing the curtains and turning my computer on "who is she?"
"The creature" Peter replied "she's"
Suddenly it all made sense. The torn clothes, the hunted look, the pink glitter in his hair and the faint whiff of Calvin Klein and Britney Spear's Fantasy "hold on" I said holding up a hand "let me guess. She's about 5'8, 5'9 , long curly blond hair, greeny-blue eyes , complains at length (in a very nasal voice I might add) about how her parents beat her/spend all their money on her brother who has lots of impossible illnesses and about how he was the only one understood her but then died. Wears a lot of pink and goes by some really long name that can be shortened to Mary Sue."
Peter nodded "you know her"
I shrugged "we've met. Or at least I've met some version of her. There are a lot of them around."
Peter nodded then shrank back as my computer made a slightly high pitched noise.
"Look" I said as Peter pulled his knees up to his chin and began to rock back and forth "would you like some coffee, maybe some iodine for that cut on your cheek."
Peter nodded before going back to staring out of the window and flinching at loud noises.
Now you're probably wondering why by this stage I wasn't reaching for the phone and ringing my therapist. I mean having fictional characters in your house isn't exactly the sign of a stable mind. But the fact of the matter is ever since the NCKs showed up I had been waiting for something like this to happen. I just prayed to Aslan that the High Kings appearance didn't lead the Sue's to my door. I didn't think I could cope with that.
The coffee seemed to do him good as soon Peter was sitting up and was looking slightly more like a High King and less like a scared teenager.
"Just to check" I said as he nibbled on his biscuit "you are real. I'm not going mad, or at least madder."
"No" he shook his head "I'm real."
"Okay then" I replied "so what are you doing here. Shouldn't you be in a story somewhere?"
"No" he shook his head again "I've escaped"
"Escaped"
"Yup" he shook his head firmly "escaped, runaway, broken out, absconded, legged it, bunked off, eloped, scarped."
"Okay, okay" I interrupted "I get the picture. But why."
"Because I'm fed up of being written into bad fanfics."
"But you're a fictional character. You're supposed to be written into stories."
"Well I've had enough" he said petulantly "I can't take being written into any more cliché ridden romantic story lines by adolescent girls. Have you seen some of them? Have you seen the Sue's?"
"Actually yes" I began but Peter wasn't paying any attention by that stage. Forcing me out of my chair he logged on to the Narnia archive.
"While you're doing that" I said "can I ask why you're here."
"I've told you" Peter said eyes focused on the screen "I've"
"I know" I said trying to stem the tirade "I mean why are you here. In my house."
He turned and gave me a withering look "How should I know. I was running though Fanfiction being chased by the loudest and most persistent Mary Sue to date when I finally decided I'd had enough. Next thing I know I'm here."
"Okay" I replied. "Isn't any stranger than some things I've read about I suppose."
Peter was silent for several minutes before letting out a loud "YES"
"What" I said putting my book down.
"Read this."
Sighing I took his place at the computer and began to read.
Peter sat on his throne in the Great Hall deep in thought his aquamarine eyes glittering with a hidden strength.
"See" Peter yelled "one line and she's already described my eyes."
"It's not too bad" I replied
"My eyes are blue" Peter pointed out "plain old blue. Not aquamarine and they don't 'glitter with a hidden strength.'"
"Alright" I said "I'll keep reading."
His thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of Edmund.
"Hey Ed. What's up old bean?"
I held up a hand "don't say it. You would never be caught dead saying 'old bean'"
Peter nodded "or 'hey' either."
Edmund took his seat on the throne next to Peter. "The delegation from Solaria just turned up."
Any further conversation was interrupted by a fanfare of trumpets. The doors opened and a girl swept in. Peter was instantly captivated by her beauty. She had long curly blonde hair that reached her waist and shimmered as she walked. Her eyes were as blue as the sea on a sunny day and her porcelain skin glowed in the sunlight as she walked."
"Greetings from the court of Solaria" she trilled "my name is Princess Maryanne Isabella Louisa Tamara Suzette."
"Greetings" Peter said descending from his throne and kissing the girls hand "It is a pleasure to have you visiting our court. May I show you to your room?"
"I would never do that" Peter interjected "I would be far too busy."
I shot him a dirty look and returned my attention to the screen.
"So" Peter said as he lead the girl though the labyrinthine halls of the castle ("tenner says she doesn't even know the meaning of the word labyrinthine")"how come I've never had the pleasure of meeting you before? I thought I knew all the Princesses in our realm."
The girl sighed "I'm afraid I do not leave our little island kingdom very often. You see my mother died when I was very young and my father married again, my stepmother doesnt liek me because I am so much more beautiful and talented than my step-sisters ("apparently being humble isn't one of these 'talents'") "I am rarley allowed off the island."
"How come you are here now" Peter replied his heart breaking at the girls sorrowful tale.
"I appealed to my stepmothers better nature promising to do all my chores without complaint and to take my beatings silently ("yeah cause that's not a massive cliché." "One more word and I'll close the computer down.")
"Well" Peter said pushing open the door to the girl's rooms "I hope you will be happy here."
The girl fluttered her eyelashes "I'm sure I will"
With that Peter departed a happy smile across his face.
Hey everyone. Sozz if the fic wasnt any good but I wrot it at liek midnight. Maryanne isnt a Sue btw so no flamezz. If you dont R+R I wont put up the next chappy.
"By the Lions Mane" Peter breathed "please don't review. I don't think I could take any more."
"Too late" I said pointing to the top of the screen "thirty four reviews already" I opened up the review page "most of them positive."
"By the Lions Mane" Peter said again.
"Look" I said "it's not that bad. She doesn't even have any magic powers."
"Not yet" Peter said grabbing the mouse and brining up the next chapter. He scrolled down before pointing at the screen "SEE" he yelled "WHAT DID I TELL YOU."
Sighing I looked at where he was pointing:
Later that night the Kings and Queens held a ball in honour of their new arrivels ("later that night. Do they know how long a ball takes to plan?") and Peter had seated himself next to the Princess.
"So" he said staring deep into her sapphire eyes "how are you finding are humble court."
"Its beautiful" she replied her gaze focused on his face "I've never seen anything more lovely." Suddenly her sleeve knocked her fork off the table. Leaning down her eyes flashed gold and it floated back into her hand.
"How did you do that" Peter said
Maryanne looked up at him "I'm sorry" she replied quietly before fleeing the room.
Peter threw down his napkin and went after her (I would never have done that either.") He found her on the balcony overlooking the sea. "Hey" he said "what's up."
Maryanne turned tears glittering at the corners of her eyes. "I'm so sorry" she whispered the moonlight shining behind her.
"What ever for?"
"I should have told you about my…power. But I've been raised never to speak of it."
Peter wrapped his arms around her and wiped the tears from her eyes. "It's alright" he whispered "its nothing to be ashamed of" The combination of the moonlight, the music and Maryanne's eyes caused something strange to ignite in Peter.
Slowly he leaned down and
I minimized the screen hurriedly "you don't need to see that" I muttered.
"What happened" Peter said.
"You really don't want to know."
"But it's my" Peter began but fortunately at that moment the doorbell rang.
"Stay here" I said firmly "and don't look at that page."
Opening the door I was surprised to find a terrified looking Edmund Pevensie on the doorstep.
"Close that door" he whispered pushing past me into the hallway.
"Hello to you too" I muttered as I slammed closed the door.
"You haven't seen any Sues recently having you" he continued hurrying to the window.
"Not recently" I sighed. One Pevensie brother on the edge of a breakdown was enough for me. I didn't know if I was going to be able to cope with both of them.
He visible relaxed "good. I don't suppose you've seen Peter anywhere have you."
Before I could say anything there was an exclamation of "I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THAT" from the study followed by the tell-tell thump of something large and King like hitting the floor.
"He's though there" I said gesturing in the direction of my room "go make sure he's conscious will you? I'll get the coffee."
"So" I said once the coffee cups had been refilled "why are you here?"
"Same reason as him" Edmund replied gesturing at his brother who currently had his head on the table and was muttering something about "thrice accursed fan girls."
"Couldn't stand the Sues any more" I ventured.
He nodded "the situations I was being put in were getting ridiculous."
"Copycat" the High King muttered.
"Shut up" the Just King replied.
"Look" I interjected eager to stop things from getting violent "your stories can't possibly be any worse Edmund. Have you seen the fic we were just looking at?"
"You think" Edmund replied. For the second time that day I was forced out of my chair as Edmund bought up the Narnia archive and began searching, "Ha" he said eventually "look at this. This is far worse."
Taking a deep breath I returned my attention to the screen.
King Edmund was riding through the woods on his loyal horse Phillipe (It's Phillip. Besides everyone know talking horses are only rode during times of war") staring at the assorted autumn colours.
Suddenly Phillip pulled up short "what's up boy" Edmund said.
"Look there Majesty" the horse said pointing his head towards a small clearing.
Quickly dismounting Edward moved towards the clearing with cat like grace ("WHAT") and found a young girl lying in the centre, a shaft of sunlight shining on her bright auburn hair. Her eyes were closed and her skin was deathly cold. Intrigued Edmund picked her up and carried her back to Phillipe.
"You have to admit that sounds like something you might do Ed" Peter pointed out raising his head off the table.
"Maryanne Suzette" Edmund replied simply and his brother's head crashed back into the table a slight moan escaping from his lips.
Edmund laid the mysterious girl on to Phillipes back and slowly led the horse back to the Cair. Half an hour later the pair walked back though the gates of Cair Paravel (half an hour. Do these people have no idea how long it would take to walk to the Cair.)
"Eddy" (Eddy. Seriously) Lucy cried running into the courtyard "what's happened. Whoes this?"
"I don't know LuLu" (Again. Seriously) the handsome King replied "I just found her unconscious in the forest." Lifting the girl gently off the saddle he carried her upstairs her and placed her gently on his bed "fetch the court physician will you" he called as he walked.
The Court Physician came and went and could find nothing wrong with the beautiful girl yet she continued to sleep. Day after day Edmund sat at her bedside holding her hand and waiting for her to wake ("because as a King I have nothing better to do. It's not like I have a country to run.")
"Have you noticed" Susan said one day as she sat with her brother "her ears are pointed"
"Come on" Edmund exclaimed "she's an Elf. There aren't even any Elves in Narnia"
I looked at him "If you don't stop complaining I'm going to write you into a small room with a hundred sugar-high Sues'" Peter raised his head off the table and opened his mouth but I fixed him with an evil glare "that applies to both of you."
"Sorry" they both said simultaneously.
"Good" I replied "now if you'll excuse me. I have a fic to read."
"I have" Edmund replied "what could it possible mean."
Three weeks after she mysteriously appeared Edmund woke ("I've been sleeping next to her.") to find that the girl staring at him with piercing green eyes that seemed to stare straight into his soul.
"Where am I" she croaked in a weak yet musical voice.
"Cair Paravel" Edmund replied passing her a goblet of water.
"How did I get here?"
"I found you lying in the forest while I was out riding."
The girl struggled to sit up and Edmund swiftly placed a pillow behind her back "Who are you"
Edmund puffed out his chest ("I'm not a pigeon") "I am King Edmund the Just of Narnia"
"Narnia" the girl gasped "then I succeeded"
Edmund looked at her quizzically "what do you mean."
The girl looked at him pleadingly "my home is in grave danger .The council of Elders sent me to request your assistance."
"But why did they send one so young."
"No-one else has the skill with magic that I do" the girl replied. "Oh and my name is Princess Cassandra Van Ellven."
"A pleasure to meet you Princess" Edmund said kissing her hand "Narnia will do whatever it can to assist you and your people."
"You call that worse" Peter said scornfully "You haven't even fallen in love with her."
"But I will" Edmund shot back "usually after being put through whatever pedestrian actions sequence this 'author' can come up with."
"You're lucky" Peter said angrily "you always get the relatively sane ones."
"Sane ones" Edmund replied "I've been chased by wolves for the sake of these so called 'sane' Sues."
Peter leapt up and pointed at his hair "have you seen the sparkles" he whispered "have you smelt the perfume. I've been chased throughout Fanfiction by girls who smell like an explosion in a glitter factory."
"I get it just as bad."
"JUST AS BAD" Peter yelled "you don't know the half of it. I've been 'married' so many time if we were real I'd be convicted of bigamy ten times over."
"Just cause you're the eldest" Edmund screamed back "you think you're the worst off."
"I AM the worst off."
By this stage I was slowly backing out of the room "I'll let you handle this" I said quietly before bolting up stairs.
Hiding out in my bedroom I reviewed the situation. Downstairs I had too extremely angry fictional Kings both scared stiff of equally fictional Mary Sues. There was really only one solution for this. Reaching for my A4 binder I grabbed a pen and began to write.
Things were chaos at the NCK headquarters. Alarms were blaring, Lights were flashing, agents were running around and the Captain was onto his fourth cup of coffer in half an hour.
"Where are they?" he bellowed as Matthew handed him a slip of paper "too of our biggest characters can't simply slip out of Fanfiction without someone noticing."
"I'm sorry Captain" Matthews replied "We've checked everywhere. Even contacted out counterparts over at LOTRCK to see if they'd blundered over there. Nothing. "
Before anymore could be said there was a familiar pinging sound and all head's turned in the direction of the inter-world lift. Out of it stepped a very familiar figure.
"How did you get here" the Captain said startled.
I smiled "if I can write you into a story it's not that hard to write myself in."
The Captain shrugged "guess not. But why are you here."
My smiled widened as I looked round at the flashing lights "lost something have you."
The Captain sighed "The Pevensie brothers have vanished" he replied "Aslan knows what'll happen if he hears about this."
"Well" I said "I thing I might have the solution to your problem."
A hundred hopeful faces looked straight at me "you know where they are."
I nodded smugly "Their in my study. Last time I saw them they were getting ready to beat the stuffing out of each other over who has the worst Sues"
The Captains face brightened "right everyone" he called "you heard the man. Let's go."
"Any idea why they ran" the Captain said turning to me.
"Something about not being able to cope with the Sues any more."
He sighed "We thought they were stronger than that. Looks like we're going to have put them in therapy for a while."
"Peter's the worse of the two" I told him "Seems a bit, Jumpy."
The Captain nodded "I assume you can make your own way back."
I smiled "I created this didn't I."
The Captain smiled "I'll see you there." Then pressing his belt buckle he vanished along with the rest of the NCK.
Sighing I looked around the deserted headquarters. Then closing my eyes I wrote my self out of the story and back into the real world.
When I opened my eyes I found that I reappeared in my study where Peter and Edmund were quickly being restrained by the NCK.
"So what will happen to them now" I asked casually leaning against the doorframe.
"They'll be put in quarantine for a while and then they'll be released back into Canon" came the terse reply.
Suddenly there was a scuffle and Peter broke free from the NCKs grip simultaneously grabbing one of their batons which he held out in front of himself in a threatening manner. "I'm not going back" he screamed "you can't make me."
The Captain stiffened and turned to one of the other officers "prep the stun gun" he whispered.
"Hang on" I interrupted "I've got an idea."
"All right" he said "but make it quick."
I nodded before quickly grabbing a notepad from desk draw and beginning to write.
Within a (relative) minute I was standing in the great hall of Cair Paravel. Running through the halls I turned a corner and ran straight into Queen Susan.
"My apologies" I said hurriedly.
"Granted" she replied "but who are you. I have no knowledge of seeing you here before."
"There's no time to explain your majesty" I said "but I have found your royal brothers."
Susan looked up "where. You must take me to them."
"Right away" I said pulling out my notepad.
"Where did you go" the Captain said when I reappeared.
"To fetch reinforcements" I said smugly.
A second later a voice boomed "PETER PEVENSIE PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT."
Every head in the room turned to find that a very angry Susan the 'Gentle' had appeared.
"Susan" Peter gasped dropping the baton "what are you doing here."
"What does it look like" she growled "I'm clearing up your mess as usual" she grabbed his arm "now come on. We're going back."
"But Sue" Peter moaned "the Sues"
"I don't care" Susan said firmly "Your place is in your kingdom" she turned on Edmund "and as for you Edmund. I expected better of you."
"Sorry Sue" the younger Pevensie muttered his eyes firmly fixed on the carpet.
Susan gripped both brothers firmly by the arms and turned back to me "would you kindly send me back to the Cair and these two" she took a deep breath "miscreants to quarantine."
I bowed "certainly majesty."
Once they were gone the Captain turned to me and raised an eyebrow as a silent question.
"Simple" I replied "never underestimate the power of an angry sister."
Once everyone was gone I returned to my computer and started on my essay. It really had been quite a quiet day so far.
Please Review. It helps me improve.