Act 1, Scene 1
The sun rises slowly, lighting up the scene, as dramatic music starts playing. It
is in a sparsely populated town square, during a rather dull festival. There is a single
porta-potty right in the middle of everything, and a little cherub with wings and a quiver
full of wicked looking arrows is standing outside of it, hopping impatiently from foot to
foot and looking desperate.
Cupid: Hey! Hurry up in there! (kicks door, and resumes hopping. A few
tense minutes pass, and the door finally opens. Gavroche bounds out.)
Cupid:: Whew! Finally! Hey, could you hold this for me? (innocently hands
Gavroche the quiver and bow, then leaps inside the porta-potty, almost slamming
the door on one of his wings. Gavroche stares at the bow, and an evil grin
spreads across his face.)
Gavroche: Heh heh heh... (he dashes off into the thick crowd, vanishing from
sight. A much-relieved looking Cupid: steps back out of the
porta-potty.)
Cupid:: Hey, thanks kid...kid? Hey! Kid! Oh, geez...not again...
Act 1, Scene 2
(Gavroche, hiding in an alley, looks with mischief in his eyes at his
new toy. Fitting an arrow to the bow, he peers around a corner.)
Javert: This is a disturbance of the peace! To jail with you!
Innocent Waif: But, m'sieur, I didn't intend to dump the chamber pot on your
head! It was pushed out that window by my--my cat!
Javert: Save your breath, spare me your excuses! This is a criminal offense!
Innocent Waif: (weeping pitifully) Inspector, please! Think of my
children! They'll die if I go to jail!
Javert: You couldn't possibly have children, you're hardly more than five years
old. What sort of moron would believe a thing like that? (pulls out his handcuffs, and
prepares to lead her off to jail, when Valjean intervenes.)
Valjean: Javert, let her go! I think she's telling the truth!
(Javert stares at him, aghast. Gavroche pulls back on the arrow and
lets it go. With an imperceptible thud, it hits Valjean in the back and dissolves
into wispy, pink smoke. Chuckling evilly, Gavroche withdraws into the shadows.
Valjean stares at Javert, eyes shining. Javert, growing
uncomfortable under Valjean's loving gaze, lowers his eyes and steps backwards.
Valjean follows.)
Javert: Well, I'll just be going then...good-bye, Valjean...er...
Valjean: Javert, have I ever told you that I love the way you wear your
hair? And your whiskers! Mutton chops are so...manly.
Innocent Waif: Well, I'll be going now...
Javert: ...
Valjean: Javert, run away with me! We can start a new life together!
(Frightened, Javert steps back faster and faster, eventually breaking into a run.
Valjean follows close behind, crying his name. Gavroche is nearly
trampled by the frightened inspector and his quarry-turned-hunter, Valjean.
Dusting himself off, Gavroche trots off to another part of the city. He doesn't go
far, however, before he encounters another perfect opportunity for mischief.)
Enjolras: Grantaire, how many times must I tell you to put the bottle
down? Drinking is evil! It will not help us in this revolution! For that matter, /you/ will
not help us in this revolution! Why don't you just leave, worthless vagabond?
Grantaire: Yesh, yesh...your words shting me, Enjolras...
Enjolras: You hopeless drunk. I don't know why you're even a member of the
Friends of the A B C.
Deadbeat Waitress: 'urry up and decide wotcher gonna eat, I ain't got all day.
(Gavroche nocks another arrow and steps in for a better shot. Releasing the
arrow, he smiles to see it fly true--right into Enjolras. He gazes at the
waitress.)
Enjolras: Beautiful waitress, I love you more than life itself! Forget this hopeless
revolution, let us be wedded today!
Deadbeat Waitress: Sure, yeah, whatever. Todays specials are-- (Taking this
as her assent, Enjolras picks her up and carries the somewhat disgruntled waitress
off to the nearest church. Combeferre, Feuilly, Courfeyrac,
Joly, Bossuet, Bahorel, and Jean Prouvaire, shocked,
stare at him until he vanishes into the crowd. Grantaire's too drunk to
notice.)
Feuilly: Well, that was unusual...
Bossuet: Think the pressure of all this planning got to him?
Courfeyrac: He's just stressed. He'll be okay.
Jean Prouvaire: Ah, the unshakable leader, lost in the throes of love!
Joly: Do you think it's a disease? (pauses) Do you think it's
contagious?
Bahorel: Shall we stop him?
Combeferre: I'm hungry. How are we going to order our food without a
waitress?
All: (long pause) ...After him! (Gavroche scampers off as the
small mob, a protesting Grantaire in tow, races off in the direction
Enjolras took. He watches them run off, a smug look on his face. He doesn't
notice Eponine sneaking up behind him.)
Eponine: Eh, wotcher got there? Gavroche, where'd you pick that up?
Gavroche: ...it's mine. I...found it. Really!
Eponine: What's it for? Honestly, with all the different kinds guns we have these
days, I'll never believe you'd just tear around the city with a bow and arrow to attack
people. I'm not stupid, 'Vroche.
Gavroche: Oh, fine, I filched it off o' Cupid:.
Eponine: Cupid:, you say? Hmm... (Her eyes light up with a
thoughtful gleam. Smiling sweetly, she pats Gavroche on the head.)
Eponine: 'Vroche, Eponine's been nice to you lately...
Gavroche: You're after that Marius idiot again?
Eponine: Oh, would you? Please? (He grudgingly nods his assent. She
reaches down to jubilantly hug her little brother, who dances away from her, a disgusted
girls-are-icky look on his face. They set out to find Marius.)
(really cheesy music starts playing)
INTERMISSION
(really LOUD cheesey music starts playing)
Act 2, scene 1
(Marius is just walking out of the Gorbeau tenament, when Eponine
and Gavroche spot him from around a corner.)
Gavroche: Well, there 'e is, 'Ponine. Go grab his attention.
Eponine: (ecstatic) Thank you, Gavroche! Oh, I've waited so
long--
Gavroche: Stupid girl, hurry up! He's getting away.
(Eponine runs up to Marius and grabs him by the shoulders, whirling
him around to face her. Gavroche, taking aim, lets his arrow fly. It hits
Marius.)/
Eponine: (knowing she's got him) Hi, Marius...
(Marius stares at Eponine with love shining in his eyes. He gazes at
her.)
Eponine: (waiting for something to happen) ...Well?
Marius: ...
Eponine: Aren't you supposed to proclaim your undying love right about
now?
Marius: ...
Eponine: ...or kiss me passionately?
Marius: (still gazing with awed affection) ...
Eponine: You're just going to stand there? That's...it? (she glances over at
Gavroche for help, only to find that the little gamin has scampered off.)
Marius: ...Eponine...
Eponine: Finally! Some action!
Marius: ...Do you want to see my beetle collection?
Eponine: Wh-what?!? Beetle collection!
Marius: It's my most precious possession! My father started it when he was 5.
I've never let anybody see it, but you, I love you...
Eponine: ...O...kay...
Marius: (bashfully excited) Come on! It's hidden in my room!
(Eponine begins to wonder what she's gotten herself into, as Marius
grabs her wrist and pulls her inside the Gorbeau tenement.)
Marius: And this one, isn't it pretty?
Eponine: *Yawn*...Marius, can we do something different?
Marius: Sure! Wanna see my cobblestone fungi collection?
Eponine: No.
Marius: (undaunted) Okay...I know! Let's go and sit by the Seine! We
can watch the sunset!
Eponine: At last, something romantic!
(They rush off to the Seine, Marius in the lead. Presently they arrive, and sit
on a stone bench. In silence.)
Eponine: ...
Marius: ...
Eponine: ...Well.
Marius: Isn't the architecture on that bridge simply lovely?
Eponine: (groans) Marius...
Marius: (Jumps to his feet) My word, who is /that/?
Javert: G-go away, Valjean! I swear to you, if you don't let me
be...
Valjean: Oh, Javert! You're such a tease.
Javert: Go! Leave me--I'm serious! (he backs onto the bridge)
Valjean: Don't be silly, my love.
Javert: Don't come one step closer you--you con! (backs up further)
Valjean: (alarmed) Javert! Look out--the rail!
Javert: (topples backwards over the side) AIEEEEEE! (splashes into
the Seine)
Marius: Eponine, did that man just fall into the river?
Eponine: (with desperate aggression) Marius, kiss me!
Marius: (reprimandingly) Eponine! Don't you think that's a
little forward? I know! Want to watch the dust settle? It's really fun! Here, come with
m--
Eponine: Ai, what a bore you are, Marius! Leave me alone, I regret
ever laying eyes on you!
Marius: You don't mean that. Maybe we can get married! Then we can do all
sorts of fun things all the time for the rest of our lives, like having molasses races and
watching grass grow and making all sorts of neat collections!
Eponine: (panicking) Wh-what about that girl you were so crazy about,
that Cosette?
Marius: Who? Oh, her. She doesn't matter anymore--I love you! And I'll never,
ever let you out of my sight!
Eponine: Noooo! This can't be happening! /No/!
(Eponine tears away, sprinting with all the grace of a three-legged camel
through the streets of Paris. In her wake lay the bodies of shopkeepers and the remains of
carts and horses that got in the way of her desperate flight. Marius trots behind
her. Way, way behind her.)
Eponine: Huff...puff...Gav...where...I'll kill the...little gamin...
Gavroche: Huh?
Eponine: 'Vroche, you little rat! Unshoot him!
Gavroche: What? I...
Eponine: (grabbing Gavroche by the shoulders and shaking him)
Do it! Unshoot Marius!
Gavroche: ...I don't know how, 'Ponine. Sucks to be you, eh? I told you he was
a idio--
Eponine: AAARGH! What do you mean, you don't know how? You have to
know how! I won't let you get away with NOT knowing how! Try something--anything!
He's getting closer!
Gavroche: ...Maybe if we shot him while he's looking at somebody else?
Eponine: Yes! And I know just the right person...
Act 2, scene 2
Toussaint: I am g-going to go sh-shopping, Mad'moiselle. Behave
yours-s-self.
Cosette: Yes, of course, Toussaint.
(Toussaint leaves)
Eponine: Now! Charge!
(Gavroche and Eponine barrel into number fifty-five Rue Plumet,
grab Cosette, and carry her outside like a cow. Cosette, surprised,
protests feebly at this odd treatment.)
Gavroche: You tie her to the bench there, while I go get into position behind the
fence.
Eponine: (finishing the knot on Cosette's bindings) Orright. But hurry!
He's coming closer!
Gavroche: Yah, yah. I'm not /daft/, 'Ponine.
Cosette: (timidly) Ah...pardon me, but...
Eponine: Shut up.
Cosette: O-okay.
Marius: Eponine! You should have told me you liked to do long
distance running, we could have collected dust from far off places that way!
Cosette: Oh, I love collecting things!
Marius: Really? (he notices her for the first time)
Gavroche: Pow! (an arrow thumps into Marius's back)
Eponine: Whew! It worked!
Marius: Cosette...want to see my live wasp collection?
Cosette: Oh! You have a live wasp collection? Waow! I'd love to!
(Eponine and Gavroche take flight. Finally, in a distant alley, they
stop running.)
Eponine: I never knew he was so...so strange! I never want to go through that
experience again. Ever.
Gavroche: Shucks, I'm out of arrows. (tosses the now-useless bow into the
garbage)
Eponine: Well, I hope you didn't shoot anybody /too/ important.
Gavroche: ...
Eponine: ...Say, is that a wedding procession over there?
Les Amis: (looking very awkward and out-of-place) Ring out the bells
upon this day of days, may all the angels of the Lord above in jubilation sing their songs of
praise, and crown this blessed day with peace and love...
Courfeyrac: I can't believe he roped us into this.
Bahorel: Anything for a friend, I suppose. What I can't believe is this
wedding...
Joly: I think I've got laryngitis.
Feuilly: You just don't want to admit that you sing like a toad, Joly.
Deadbeat Waitress (now Madame Enjolras): I suppose this means you
aren't going to order anything.
Enjolras: Oh, you've such clever wit--how I love you! Who needs an
insurrection, anyway? Long live the king!
Eponine: Gavroche, you didn't...
Gavroche: Um.
Eponine: Oh, well. Like it affects us.
(they trot off into the sunset, and crappy ending music begins
playing)
THE END