Cruel Cosplay Thesis:
Or How To Induce Wackiness with an Evangelion Cosplay
A/N: Here's a hilarious little tidbit that features both Evangelion(sort of) and Azumanga. I own neither, this is just a simple fan story. Read and enjoy.
It was the end of the day. Yukari walked and scrawled the board and then it announced their end-day discussion.
That is, the culture fest two days away. Chiyo was the one actually doing this while Yukari merely presided.
"So, any suggestions for the culture fest?" Chiyo asked the entire class.
One boy, Masaaki Ohyama, rasied his hand and said, "How about a haunted house?"
Tomo wrote down the suggestion on the board. "A haunted house," she recited.
"Ah, well..." Chiyo remembered that haunted houses were a common theme in most culture fests.
Yukari said, "No, no, no. Going for the standard and orthodox is the death of intellect. Why not try something out of the ordinary. For example, a..." Nothing came out of her mouth. So much for a suggestion. She hastily added with a chuckle, "Oh, a café or a haunted house would be fine either way."
Everyone sweatdropped, giving Yukari confused looks.
A few seconds of awkward silence. Then Chihiro suggested, "I think we should try another boutique like the stuffed animal boutique last year."
"Hey, that's sounds like a great idea," Chiyo chimed.
"Yeah, sounds great," Yukari agreed. "But it would have to be different this time." She sat up and announced proudly. "As the homeroom adviser for this class, I hereby declare a boutique our choice for the culture fest. Everything else is closed."
Everyone sweatdropped again. One of the boys asked, "Uh... you mean...?"
"No more other suggestions!" Yukari proudly cut in. "The only thing you should be asking is the merchandise."
"Like selling something different?" Yomi asked.
"Yeah, that's right," Yukari chimed, holding out a thumbs up.
"Yeah, we could all sell takoyaki," Osaka suggested. "And smoked cheese, plus we decorate it with dolls that looked like dead cats."
Shock instantly registered on their faces, eyes bugging out at Osaka's suggested decoration.
Chiyo sweat dropped. "Uh... I don't think that's a good idea."
"Oh..." Then Osaka suggested again, "How about we have a bazooka player in our shop?"
Yomi turned to the Osakan and replied, "I think you mean a bouzouki but I don't think there's anyone talented enough to play a bouzouki."
The meganekko recalled that in music class, Osaka didn't know how to play with a flute. Every flute that she held in her hands inevitably sounded like a shrill whistle, not to mention the fact that she can't figure how the holes work.
Meanwhile, Sakaki was looking at the clouds outside the window. In her mind they were cute fluffy kitties skipping happily across the sky. A smile formed in her face and laughter appeared in her sleepy eyes as she fancied wanting to pet the sky kitties. So cute and so happy they were up in the blue sky that they seem to have no worries at all. She unconsciously held out her hands when a hand landed on her shoulder.
Sakaki was startled by Kagura and quickly spun around. "Something wrong?" the athlete asked.
"No, nothing's wrong," Sakaki replied with a blush.
"Sorry, I scared you," she chuckled. "So, what do you think that we should sell during the culture fest?"
"Ah, I have no idea." Sakaki felt a little embarrassed. She wasn't listening in when she was daydreaming a few seconds ago.
"Okay..." Kagura replied, not knowing what to say next to the famous uncanny woman. She always seemed so distant to her.
They heard an excited yell as Tomo hopped on top of the table.
"Oh, I know!" she announced, striking an exaggerated heroic pose with one hand on her hip and the other pointing to the ceiling like she discovered the new world. "We should sell some otaku stuff like in Akihabara."
"Uh... What?" Yomi glasses suddenly obscured her eyes, denying anyone a full look of surprise. Still it her got unawares.
"You heard me, Yomi," the wildcat said proudly. "Remember those otakus who absolutely swarm the place?" She smirked, putting both hands on her hips. "We're gonna do something in the culture fest that is totally unique in the history of this school. We're gonna turn our classroom into a bazaar of anime fans everywhere!"
"That seems like a great idea," Yomi sighed wth frustration at Tomo's ridiculous-sounding ploy. "But the problem is, none of us in the class are otakus to begin with."
"Don't despair, Yomi," Tomo said cheerfully. "At least we're not gonna set up a restaurant. Business will go boom with you around."
It take all of Yomi's self-control to keep her in her chair as her eyes twitched visibly, practically bolting herself in to keep her from pouncing on the wildcat and strangling her, fuming deep inside at her 'friend's' reference to her eating habits.
"But how are we gonna get all of this geek stuff just in time for the culture fest?" Osaka asked airily.
"Why we don't take all of our old stuff like toys and mangas and put 'em on sale?" a boy suggested.
"Sounds more like a garage sale," Kagura noted.
Osaka added in a mew, "And y'all know that the goods would be ruined by now. Look's like there's no point in settin' up an anime flea market if we wrecked all our stuff when we're kids."
Everyone put on collectively groan as Osaka said something that made sense for once and that it struck on the point.
Just then, Yukari sat up. She wanted to keep this venture afloat so she did what her nature dictated. "Don't let that defeatist sentiment pull you down. It's a great idea, we shouldn't just give up yet just because of the lack of materials?"
Chiyo spoke skeptically, "Miss Yomi does have a point. Most of us lack anything like toys, books, or anything anime-related of value and none of us have any experience with those things."
"Well, then. We must obtain all the needed materials by whatever means necessary," she said frantically.
Chiyo sweat dropped, her face in a blank. Their English teacher was still determined to keep the otaku-bazaar idea afloat no matter what for some reason.
"Where are we gonna start, Miss Yukari?" Kagura asked.
"Well, I have some ideas that concerning about that," Kimura said, popping out near the table with his mouth wide open as usual.
The girls nearly screamed when they saw him, Chiyo jumped into Tomo's arms as a result. It was quite his habit to pop out in places at the least expected moment, usually near high-school girls.
"What the-" Yomi said haltingly. "How'd y-you get in here?"
"I got in through the door," he replied. Behind him was the sliding door wide open, which everyone slowly and mechanically turned their heads to. What Yomi wanted to say was how did he got in without everyone noticing until a few seconds ago. Then everyone faced him back in the same manner.
"What's the deal, Kimura?" Yukari asked, her arms crossed.
"I was carrying this item which I intended to dispose off." He produced a white cardboard box like the ones used for packing baked goods and for clothing rentals. "And then I overheard that you need something for your culture fest so I'll give it to you."
"What? Did you confiscate it from somebody?"
"Uhmm... Yes." Kimura's tone of voice betrayed a little anxiety.
"Let's see what's inside." She turned to the wildcat.
"I think I should get going," Kimura said abruptly, quickly turning to the door.
"Tomo?" Yukari commanded with a leer on her face.
Tomo instantly snapped a salute. "Yes, ma'am," she said enthusiastically.
"NO! DON'T TAKE IT!" yelped the classical literature teacher but too late. She grabbed the box of a startled Kimura's hands and brought it on the table.
"Let's see what's inside, baby," she said triumphantly, ripped out the strings and flipped the box open to see its holy grail kept inside.
The wildcat's eager expression was replaced with a look of curiosity when she looked at a neatly folded set of clothes.
"Huh, what's that?" Chiyo asked as she and others gathered around the table. Sakaki picked it up and held it out for everyone to see.
"What the hell..." Yomi muttered as she stared at the tight wet-suit-like garment. Then a picture fell out of it. She bent over and picked it up. In was a girl with short blue hair and red eyes. She wore the tight-fitting white suit with dark undersides beneath the arms.
"Mr. Kimura," Yomi asked the teacher awkwardly. "What is this?"
"Uh... it's a costume," Kimura replied.
"Who's that in picture then?" She pointed to the photo of the girl in Yomi's hands.
"I don't know," he replied sheepishly. "It came with the costume, I suppose." He was now sweating.
"Really?" Yukari's eyes narrowed. She took down at the costume again, almost as if to take a cursory glance on its features. She then turned back to the Classical Lit teacher. "Did you really confiscate it?"
He remained silent like a statue.
"Okay, then," Yukari finally said. "Tomo, take that thing out the window." She handed the wildcat the box with the costume in it.
"Alright!" Tomo shouted gleefully as she swiped it out of Yukari's hands.
"No!" Kimura cried. "Don't!" He knelt down and grabbed Tomo's ankle, which caused the wildcat to spin around with a yelp and jump at the teacher's grip, dropping the box with the costume.
"Gyaahh!" Tomo cried, wincing as she snatched her foot away and pulled down her skirt to keep him from seeing what he should not see.
"Please don't throw it," Kimura sobbed with his head bowed. "My wife made it for me. Please don't throw it away."
"Your wife made it for you, Mr. Kimura?" Chiyo asked with concern.
"Yes!" he cried.
Everyone's minds collectively short-circuited. Sweat dropping, the color drained from the girls' faces. It was only a few seconds later did anything resembling coherent thought entered their minds. It was Osaka, whose train of thought did not need to undergo a reboot, who spoke, "Kimura likes costumes now? That's something you don't know about everyday. It's not even Halloween."
As far as everyone else was concerned, cosplaying seemed like an unusual fad these days for anime fans but if that and 'Kimura' were put together in the same sentence, it doesn't sound good or even healthy.
"Kimura..." Yomi muttered, "is into cosplaying?..." The very thought of that was mind-searing.
Yukari asked him, "Ah... you had your wife... make that thing... for you?"
Osaka then spoke up with a straight face, "Do you like cross-dressing?"
Kimura gulped and stretched his collar. "Uh yes, I did," he finally explained. "You see, I ask her to make it for me. It wasn't that hard."
"So you had your wife sew that thing for you?" Yukari asked incredulously.
"Are you hiding in the closet?" Osaka cut in beside the English teacher. "'Cause ya know, there's nothin' wrong with bein' gay." Those very words of the Osakan sent shudders down the boys' spines. They thought he was quite honest with his 'feelings' towards the girls. Now the disturbing idea of Kimura liking those of the same gender and that his 'honesty' was a façade made them want to close their legs. And Kimura in that tight white suit burned into their minds like horrific acid.
"Shut up, Osaka," Yukari snapped with a popped vein. She flustered at the thought of that Kimura, the peeper of teenage girls, actually being gay. "Now, where were we? Oh right. Why did your wife made that thing?"
"Well, actually, I was going to deposit it at Kagura's locker when-" He stopped abruptly, realizing his mistake.
"What!" cried a stunned-blue Kagura.
"Huh!" Everyone cried with bewilderment.
"Ah," Osaka said calmly.
Having spilled the beans, there's only one thing he can do. "Uh, I've got to get going." He immediately bolted out the door and raced through the hallways like a racehorse with speed lines.
Everyone's eyes turned blank white as the scene was finished and they're trying to untangled the entire scenario. Thankfully, Chiyo reminding them that they still have the business of discussing the culture fest so they didn't dwell on it further. The boys let out a collective sigh of relief, knowing that Kimura was not gonna come around if they drop the soap. As soon as they're finished, the class was dismissed.
Now it's only seven girls and Yukari who were left.
"I asked my dad if they were any surplus available for collection," Chiyo said as she pocketed her cellphone. "At least we can have everything ready tomorrow."
"That's thoughtful of you, Chiyo," Yukari said approvingly. "We don't have worry a lot for goods." She smiled widely. "How's Kagura doing?"
"Uh...," a concerned Chiyo replied. "I think she didn't take it well." She turned to Kagura in her seat, surrounded by the rest of her friends.
"That was kinda blunt," Yomi said.
"He sure is creepy," Chihiro shakily added. "What's in his mind this time?"
"Why cosplaying, my dear Chihiro," Tomo said proudly. "It could only be worst now, eh, Kagura?" She nudged the tomboy with her elbow.
"What!" Kagura turned to Tomo swiftly. "That creep just gave me a costume. You think that's funny, Tomo?"
"Ohhhh~," Tomo mused dumbly. "I don't know. I wonder if he gives other girls costume?"
A cross-shaped vein appeared in Kagura's forehead as she contained her annoyance over the wildcat's dumber words of wisdom. "Well, why don't you ask him?"
Yomi sighed with frustration of her idiot friend being an idiot yet again and adjusted her glasses. "Kagura, just leave her alone."
Yukari and Chiyo appeared behind them. "Hey guys," the English teacher said. "What's going on?"
"Oh, nothing," Yomi replied. "We're wondering what to do with this costume." She looked at the offending object in the middle of their gathering lying on an empty chair.
"Oh..." Yukari looked at it. "Well, somebody should wear it."
Everyone turned eyes at Yukari in shock. "No way," Yomi vehemently said. "No one's wearing anything made by Mr. Kimura."
"Actually, his wife made it," corrected Osaka.
What Yomi said gave Tomo a new idea for a taunt. If there was anything that Tomo never runs out it's puns for Yomi. "What's wrong, Yomi? I bet Kimura's costume is great for you." She chuckled as a vein popped up on her 'best friend's' head.
"Tomo..." she warned slowly. "Don't say it."
"Why not?" she replied cheerfully. "The only drawback here is that suit's too tight for you. It would reveal everbody your pudgy side."
Like a match thrown into an open glass of vodka Yomi's temper flared up in a flash. She grabbed Tomo's cheeks and started pulling them wide. Tomo grabbed Yomi's wrists in an effort to release herself from her friend.
As everyone else watched the slow-motion-but-no-less-vicious grappling match, both confused and, for some, frustrated. Yukari turned to Kagura. "Looks like it's up to you to get rid of it."
"What?" Kagura sweatdrooped, being taken aback by Yukari's advice.
Later, at the faculty room, Nyamo Kurosawa was having a heart-to-heart talk with Kimura, which was anything but.
"Okay, Kimura," Nyamo demanded. Her face was set in a frown that didn't look too good for the class lit teacher. After hearing about what happened at Yukari's class an hour ago, she silently fumed in fury with her arms crossed giving him some eyes that indicate her state of mind. "Give me one good reason not to report you to the principal."
Kimura turned with his mouth wide open. Nyamo, he knew, was not particularly pleased with his antics, especially the latest one that seemed to be aimed at her best swimmer in the swim team.
Seeing that Kimura wasn't talking. "Well?"
"Uh... you see..."
"'You see' what, Kimura," she said curtly. "You barge in a meeting for the class's culture fest plans with a costume which you intended to leave at Kagura's locker. Why?"
Kimura then cleared his throat. He spoke, "Well, the idea that got me into this 'cosplay' thing was when I watched an anime that made my spin." His head did a series of jerking movements with neck-snapping sounds as he often does, when he seemed excited or agitated for some reason.
Nyamo sighed with frustration with closed eyes at Kimura's habits. "And what would that anime's name be?"
"Well, it's something called Evangelion," he replied. "It's got a catchy theme tune."
Her eyes snapped open at his reply. "You mean Neon Genesis Evangelion?"
"That's right. That weird-looking blue-haired girl there looked a lot like Kagura except she has a slender figure instead Kagura's athletic busty-"
"Get to the point," she snapped grumpily, "I am not interested in my best swimmer's vital statistics."
He hastily stammered, "Y-yes, Minamo, uh, I was reviewing my attendance list when I spot Kagura's name. You know what I found, Nyamo? She has the same first name as the blue-haired girl."
"You mean Rei?" Nyamo's eyes widened as very few people seldom mentioned her first name, at least in school.
"Yes, I can't help it by how so similar they look so I was inspired to make the costume..." he paused. "Uh, I mean, I asked my wife to make it."
"And you plan on giving it to her?" Nyamo's tone was dangerously angry. "Kimura, you're crossing the line already. Probably too far for your own good. It's very serious-"
"Hi, Miss Yukari," Chiyo chimed. "I got these reports you ask me to get."
Nymo turned to Chiyo. "Thank you, Chiyo," she said happily. "You've been a wonderful help today."
With cheerful self-depreciation, she replied, "Oh, that's nothing really. I'm just glad to help." She looked at Kimura, who was sitting impassively across Nyamo. She asked her innocently, "Is something wrong, Miss Kurosawa?"
"Mildly," she understated. "Where's Kagura?"
"She left school already," Chiyo explained. "I'm the last one to go."
A/N: Please read and review. And I've love to see some fan art based on Kagura as Rei. Yes the title in question was based on the opening them of the anime.