Hedwig and Snape: The Beach
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Badly written, because frankly, I don't give a sh-t any more. I need a life? NO U.
One day in Harry Potter world, Hedwig and Snape were three weeks into marriage.
The five-foot tall slender Hedwig sat on the couch with Snape, bored as can be.
"You know," said Hedwig, "I'm going to start taking steroids."
Snape, uninterested in everything Hedwig does, ignored her, shrugged and closed his eyes to take a nap.
Hedwig felt hurt inside and left the room.
ONE WEEK LATER
Hedwig walked into the room, eight feet tall with gigantic 'hooters' protruding from her chest above her severely swollen stomach area.
"SNAAAAAAAAPE!" she growled, her voice deep and like a full-grown African American man, "I DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION."
Snape bolted up right, shaking from the abrupt noise.
"WE'RE GOING TO THE BEACH!" she continued, "AND FUCKING SCRATCH MY ASS, IT'S HAIRY AS FUCK!"
Snape jumped out a window.
"FINE! I'LL MEEEEEAAAT" she paused, pulled out a steak that was hidden underneath one of her 'chest bumps' and ate it. She continued, "YOU AT THE BEACH LATER."
She lifted her other chest-bump and pulled out a bra and thong covered in sweat. She grew another fifty feet, and broke through the ceiling.
"I'M GOING TO GET DRESSED!" she shouted, bending over, breaking more of the house apart, "FUCK ALL OF YOU!"
She placed on her bra and thong and then turned around. HUGE hairy round 'things' stuck out from her thong. A strap on her bra broke off, leaving only one of her chest-bumps exposed.
"OH YEAH!" she yelled, as she lifted her arms, exposing fields of armpit hair into the sunlight, "THAT FEELS GOOD!"
A person in a car drove by, witnessed the giant owl and her armpit bush, screamed, and then crashed into a tree causing an explosion that set fire to everything.
"OH FUCK!" shouted Hedwig, as she lifted a leg up, "SAY GOODBYE, YOU BASTURDS!" she let out a HUGE one, sending flames all across the UK, "I SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING EATEN BEANS THIS MORNING!"
She set the entire nation on fire.
"GOD THAT FELT GOOD!" she yelled, growing another fifty feet, "NOW TO THE BEACH."
Two weeks later, after trying to find her way through the giant flames, Hedwig arrived at the beach, which was full of beachgoers and very crowded.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!" she screeched for no reason, smashing random people into the sand, "BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
She arrived to the ocean filled with people of all ages playing water games. Hedwig's shadow completely blocked out the sun, and in no time at all, the people in the water panicked and hysterically tried to get out.
Hedwig took a few steps back and then JUMPED into the ocean, causing a giant tidal wave that put out ALL of the UK flames.
"OW!" she growled, her rear landed on the hard bottom of the ocean floor, smashing the people that didn't get to leave. "FUCK!" Her thong and bra broke off.
The ones that got thrown in the air from the tidal wave came crashing down onto Hedwig, some getting absorbed into her chest bumps.
"SNAAAAAAAAAPE!" Screeched the Hedwig, flinging off the people that landed on her, "CLEAN MY ASS UP NOW! THERE ARE FUCKING INSECTS CRAWLING UP THERE FOR OXYGEN."
Suddenly Dumbledore came out of the blue, "I AM DUMBLEDORE!" he bellowed, "ALL BOW DOWN TO ME!"
"SHUT-UP!" screeched Hedwig, using her hand to smash Dumbledore into the sandy ground, "YOU FUCKING SWINE WHORE PIG!"
Snape appeared out of thin air holding a wand like a gun and pointed it at Hedwig, "Hedwig, darling." He shouted, "I'm sorry for being mean, I promise I will never-"
"FUCK-UP!" interrupted Hedwig, smashing Snape into the ground, "EAT YOUR GOD DAMN SOUP IN HELL, YOU ASSHOLE!" she screeched, blood pouring out from her throat from screeching so much.
Just then a giant nuclear bomb came out of nowhere and destroyed everything, leaving nothing but white space.
Two people appeared out of nowhere and checked around to see if anyone was looking.
"Looks like beauty killed the beast." Sighed the first one.
"Oh dude, you SUCK!" responded the other and left.
The End?
Oh wait, no. No, it's not.
TO BE CONTINUED…