May 21, 2012

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry that I haven't written to you in awhile, but things have been especially hectic around here ever since Serena leaked you to Gossip Girl, last week. I know I shouldn't be doing this—clearly, even my most private, intimate thoughts aren't safe from the threat of mass-exposure—but I really needed to vent to someone (or something) other than Dorota. She's been pretty disgruntled and annoyed with me, lately; she even refused to accompany me to feed the ducks the other day, claiming that she had a throat infection and insisting on staying clear of the park out of fear of contaminating the "innocent birds" and their natural habitat. She didn't even try to mask the sarcasm in her voice as she had made that ridiculous excuse, and just kept on folding the linens as if nothing had happened. I should have fired her for her insubordination but, of course, I wasn't going to do that. I had already alienated enough people for the week: restaurant owners, museum curators, minions, lovers, friends...the last thing I wanted to do was to climb that ladder any further.

Plus, it's not like I didn't know why she was acting so frigid towards me; she made it pretty clear that she didn't approve of the way I left things with Dan and was even more disappointed at my insistence of giving him his space. She calls it "cowardice"; I call it "being considerate". Plus, it's not like I`ve shut him out completely. I told her the facts—that since the morning after the Shepherd's divorce party, I have written him about twenty emails a day and how, in that period of time, he has yet to answer one. Clearly, he doesn't want to talk to me. Of course, I can't blame him; I wouldn't want to talk to me, either...

I really did want to meet him at the Shepherd's divorce party—really, I did. But when the time came to make the decision, I realized that I couldn`t go through with it (at least, not right away). It`s not that I didn`t care about him—I did and I still do. He was so good to me; he made me feel strong, happy and safe, and never shied away from reminding me that we were a team. He wasn`t just my boyfriend; he was also my best friend. Being with him was great...but it was never going to last. There`s no way that it could have—not when Chuck was still there, waiting in the wings and haunting the corners of my mind. Chuck will always be a part of me. No matter how hard I try to run away, he always manages to pull me in; and the fact that I even felt the need to make a choice that night proved that I was still not over him. It wouldn`t have been fair to Dan or to myself if I didn`t end things—and I was going to end things with Dan; I had planned to meet him at the party to break up with him, face-to-face. But I had to see Chuck, first. Was I procrastinating? Perhaps...but that's beside the point. I was going to see Dan— until I got to the Empire.

I arrived at the Bass Industries press conference just in time to watch Chuck get booted from the company; his father, the man who Chuck had went to such great lengths to resurrect from purgatory, had stood there at the microphone, coolly telling the press that, from now on, he would be the only Bass working at Bass Industries. I could not believe it. First of all, what kind of bonehead PR move was that? And more importantly, why would Bart do that to Chuck after everything that he, his son, has done for him?

I didn't have to wait long to get an answer...

After the press conference had ended, I followed Chuck to the hotel roof, hoping to comfort him in his time of need. When I reached him, I immediately took the opportunity to deliver him my life-altering message: I told him that I was in love with him and that he was the one that I wanted to be with. His reaction completely took me off-guard; he blamed me for getting him kicked out of his company, saying that he always put me first and that I had bet against him every time. I told him that we could build our futures together—that my mother had just made me the new head of Waldorf Designs (surprise! lol) and that I could help support him while he tried to get back on his feet. He told me that I was not enough for him and that he didn't want to be "Mr. Blair Waldorf"; and then he walked away, leaving me feeling like a starved, abandoned mongrel that had just been kicked to the side of the road.

I was devastated and humiliated. I was rejected and offended... and yet, deep down, all I really felt was pity.

I tried to tell myself that Chuck's tyrannical tangent was just him letting off some steam but I knew that it was more than that. He truly believed that I had cost him everything that he built, so much so that I began to wonder whether he was right. He said that he had always put me first and that I had bet against him every time. I could think of plenty of instances that would contradict that first part—he did trade me for a hotel, after all—but I couldn't help but see some truth in the latter half of that statement. I did bet against him—many times, in fact; this past year, all I did was push Chuck away out of fear of being devastated by him, yet again. Even though I had seen a positive change in his character, I never really gave him a chance to prove that he was ready to be in a committed, loving and trusting relationship with me. We were going to run away together; if you remember, he was going to raise Louis's baby with me—but then the crash happened and, scared of the thought of losing Chuck, I retreated without even offering him a word of explanation. I strung him along for weeks before choosing to be with Dan. And yet, despite all the hell that I put him through, he still continued to fight for me. I may have been miserable on that rooftop, but not as miserable as Chuck was all year...not as miserable as he was after hearing that he lost his company because of me.

I stood on that rooftop for a couple of minutes longer than I should have. I knew that it was my cue to leave; I was supposed to meet Dan at the Shepherd's party to break up with him, but I was so emotionally drained at that moment that I honestly thought that even seeing him through the corner of my eye would have left me in ruins. I decided that getting a drink would take the edge off, so I headed down to the bar and asked the bartender to pour me a glass of vodka...and another...and another...and another after that. I think that there were some other alcoholic beverages thrown into the mix, but I believe that it was by the fourth or fifth glass of vodka that the room started to spin, and I remember hearing the nice barman tell me that he was calling a cab service to come pick me up. The rest of the night was a blur, although, I think that I may have threw up on the side walk as I was getting out of the cab. That was the perfect ending to the perfect night. I hate my life, sometimes.

And now, about a week later, I find myself packing my suitcases in preparation to jet off to Paris for the summer. Mother suggested that I go with her this year so that she could start showing me the ropes of running Waldorf Designs. I admit that I'm pretty excited and anxious at the same time, although, I think that some of that anxiety may be a result of my decision to track Chuck down and convince him that he's the only one that I can ever be with. Yesterday, he was spotted in Paris with Jack so at least I will be close to finding him when I get there. Chuck hasn't been answering my calls, lately, but maybe if I phone Jack, he'll tell me where I can find him. If he doesn't, then I will search every bar and hotel in Paris if I have to. I finally know what I want, and I'm going to get it...