Music shifted him out of his reverie, this was the song. The song that described how he felt for Jack.
This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets
Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough
And he did. Care to much, love to much. He couldn't keep pretending. Couldn't just sit and stare every day, wanting, hoping, wishing, praying, that maybe Jack could return these feelings of sheer, utter love.
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
And tumblin' and breakin'
Who is that? Knocking on his door. Slowly he rises, an effortless fluid motion. When he opens the door the object of his every thought stands there, Jack.
"Umm...Hello Jack," is all he can say.
"Hey Spacemonkey! Can I come in?" Jack asked him, noting the troubled expression on his face. And Jack had to know the pain he was in. How lonely he was, but for all the wrong reasons. Not because of Sarah or Sha're, but because of him.
Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could
Jack follows him to the living room, sits and softly asks, "Are you all right?"
God, no. NO! He's not all right, never will be. Not any time in the foreseeable future. Not until he could have Jack, mind body, and soul. He chokes back the anguished sob and instead says, "Yes Jack. I'm fine."
I dream a world where you understand
That I dream a million sleepless nights
Well I dream a fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights
He stares at the flame, thinking how easy it would be to touch it, to burn himself. Then, for a few short moments Jack would touch him, hold him, make sure he was all right.
He looks to Jack, willing him to stop staring at him that way. The way that seems to peel away every layer of every wall he built, until finally, finally, he sees the raw hurt and pain, the fear, the softness of his dying heart.
I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?
He just wishes Jack would leave, so he could pretend that Jack did love him, and care for him. Why? Why was the world so unfair?! He lost everyone he loved, and finally he found love that hadn't left him, and that man would never, ever love him back!
Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I wish you would
"Please, Jack, just go!", He cries suddenly. Jack looks startled, but only for the moment, then he moves closer. Jack's nearness brings out his first sob, and the sound is pitiful.
This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get
He tries to be tough, tries to hold it in, but can't be a soldier like Jack. And everything pours out. All the hurt, all the pain, all the anger, all the sadness, and all the love he would never have and never give.
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you
He let the words of the song hit him, as he sat in Jacks arms and cried. They made him realize that Jack would never see him, never love him, never need him.
This wasn't right. This wasn't fair.
This was how it always would be.
Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could