Disclaimer: If they were mine, I wouldn't have to write this story.
Author's Note: This is the second story in my post-finale series, The Road Home. The events in this story will build on the first story in the series, Empty. I owe my betas huge thanks for their help with this chapter. KinoFille, iheartbridges, JeSouhaite, and Lula Bo kept me on my toes and most importantly, kicked me in the pants when I got lazy with plot development and dialogue.
Luke stands, fixed in place, shocked by her insistence and her obvious pain. He keeps hearing her voice saying 'never.' He has a vague sense of the dull cacophony of music coming from the random people milling around in the town square, but what he's hearing more distinctly are her footsteps on the pavement as she walks away. He thinks he can hear the staccato sound of her heels even after she's turned the corner. Seconds, or possibly minutes later, he hears a car start and knows suddenly the cost of his indecision. He feels a sinking sensation in his gut, watching the scene replay in his mind.
He glances back at the diner, wondering dumbly how long he's been standing in the middle of the street. He can't go back in to the customers and the burgers. He can't go on with his night as if nothing has changed. Almost automatically he turns and walks to her house, though somehow he knows before he gets there that she won't be there.
Even knowing this he walks there, only to be greeted by the empty yard and driveway and the darkened windows of the house. He watches the house, as if he thinks something about the situation will change if he stands there long enough. Finally, he lets out a long sigh, his shoulders falling in defeat as he walks to the porch and drops himself down on the top step.
He's not sure why he continues to sit here. It seems clear that Lorelai will not return, at least not tonight. He wonders if she's with Rory or Sookie. Without debating it too much, he pulls out his phone and presses her number. Even as he listens to the phone dialing, he's not sure exactly what to say, just that he needs to try to talk to her.
When the phone drops him immediately to voicemail, he knows she's hiding from him. At the tone, he starts haltingly, "Lorelai, can we please…I know you don't want to talk, but…well, I guess…just please listen. I shouldn't have let you walk away like that. I know that. I know I've screwed up, but can't you let me make it up to you? Can't we try to fix this? Please call me." He can feel his voice starting to break, but he takes a breath and adds, "I love you," before hanging up. He can't help feeling that anything he says now is too little too late, that the time for an apology should have been while she was still standing in front of him, not after he'd let her walk away.
He drops the phone in his pocket, wondering just how long he's going to sit on her front porch, wishing somewhat hopelessly for her to come back so that they can start to fix whatever has gone wrong between them. He's not even sure he completely understands what has gone wrong.
He's starting to see that it's rooted in everything that's happened since he found out about April: his inability to tell Lorelai and his need to figure out where he stood with April.
Ever since he met April, he's felt a desperate desire for her to like him. It had been so long since he'd sought approval from anyone besides Lorelai, that the fierceness of that need had surprised him. In a strange way, pursuing a relationship with April had required the same kind of courage that he'd needed when he'd finally decided to ask Lorelai out, but the prospect of being April's dad brought a whole new level of terror as well. At least he'd known Lorelai for years and suspected that she might have feelings for him, but as far as he knew, to April, he was just the result of a science fair experiment. After seeing her website though, after seeing all that he'd missed out on, he knew that he wanted to prove that he could be a good father. That he wanted her to love him. He had twelve years to make up for, after all.
It isn't lost on him that April is about the age Rory was when he'd met the Gilmore girls. When Lorelai had first blown into the diner, she'd been a whirlwind of life and beauty, bound and determined to shake him up. That in itself would have won him over, but the thing that he'd admired most about her, the thing that made him fall so hard for her, was watching her with Rory, and seeing how much Rory adored her.
He didn't think that he could bear to see April looking at Lorelai like that when she still looked at him with skepticism. Sitting here now, thinking about it as objectively as he can, it feels like a selfish thought. But is it too much to ask to know that your daughter loves you before letting her fall in love with your fiancée? Because April would fall in love with Lorelai. He's never questioned that. Everyone loves Lorelai.
When they had spent time together at the party, he could see that he'd been right. Lorelai had such a natural way with kids, something he never thought he'd master. At the same time, she'd managed to let Luke take all the credit, even with the present. And she'd been happy – really, truly happy in a way that he hadn't seen in quite a while.
The thing that he doesn't understand, the thing that he just can't wrap his head around, is that if this is about April, if Lorelai is more upset about not meeting her than he's realized, then why did everything fall apart after the party? He remembers Lorelai talking about Anna, about going to see Anna. He tries to remember what she said about talking to her, wondering if something Anna had said contributed to Lorelai's sudden need to elope.
Luke's thoughts are interrupted by the sounds of Paul Anka shuffling around inside the house. Reluctantly, he pulls himself up, his body stiff for having been still so long. He tries the door, unsure about using his key just now. When it's locked, he hesitates, starting to reach for his keys. Instead of pulling them out though, he walks around to the kitchen door, relieved in spite of himself to find it unlocked.
He pushes the door open without entering the house and watches Paul Anka pad slowly onto the porch and down into the yard. He stands as watches as the dog goes to his very particular spot and digs in his very particular way before he does his business and returns to the porch. As he passes, Paul Anka looks up, giving Luke an eerily questioning look. Luke just stares at him as the dog waddles off into the kitchen. Then he reaches for the door, locking it before pulling it shut.
After a few deep breaths, he walks around to the front steps and plops himself down again. He knows he should go home, that it's pointless to sit here, but he doesn't want to go back to his lonely apartment, especially now. He pulls out his phone again and dials automatically. This time, he expects the immediate prompt for a message and he's ready. "Lorelai, it's me again. I just wanted to let you know that I let out Paul Anka, because…well, I'm at your house…and you're not here. I heard him moving around so I let him out. I think I'm going to go now. Back to my place. So that's where I'll be. Please call me."
After hanging up, he sits for a few minutes, almost as if he expects an immediate response. He finally gets up grudgingly and heads home. It's not until he gets back that he realizes he left the diner without warning. He finds a note from Caesar telling him that he finished up the orders and closed up. Luke reminds himself to thank him in the morning.
He trudges upstairs, dreading the emptiness, regretting every single night he's spent here alone when he should have been with Lorelai. He puts his phone down on the nightstand, checking that it's on before setting it within arm's reach. Then he searches unsuccessfully for the t-shirt and boxers he usually wears to bed. They're nowhere to be found, so he sits down against the headboard fully dressed.
It doesn't matter. He's not going to sleep anyway.
He measures the next day by the phone calls he makes during the seemingly shorter-than-average lulls at the diner. Knowin Lorelai's schedule, he doesn't try to call her until mid-morning, and by then he's worked himself into an anger that's built on fear and worry, and he regrets the harshness of his first message as soon as he's spoken the words. Within minutes, he's called again to apologize and express his concern.
By the time he's gotten through lunch he's called her house and cell again, this time pleading for her to call and asking her to forgive him for his idiocy. The first chance he gets, he heads over to the inn. On his way he calls and leaves a message explaining where he's gone, feeding the tiny hope that she might actually try to reach him.
At the inn, he glances around the reception area and the dining room and pokes his head into Lorelai's office before walking toward the kitchen.
Pushing the door open, he calls out, "Sookie?"
She looks up from the stove, clearly surprised. "Luke? What are you doing here?"
"I'm looking for Lorelai. Have you seen her?" He's trying to sound casual, but when he adds, "Have you talked to her?" his voice betrays him.
"What's going on, Luke?" Sookie asks, concerned.
"Do you know where she is? Have you talked to her? What did she tell you?"
Sookie sighs. "She called earlier to say that she's staying with Rory."
"Rory, okay…good." He pauses for a moment. "Where does she live?"
Sookie looks at him evenly. "She said she needed to get away."
"But I need to talk to her," he protests.
Her voice, when she speaks again, has an edge to it. "Look, Luke, I don't know what going on with you two, but she's been patient with you for a long time. If she needs a little time away, you should give it to her." Then her expression softens, and she asks gently, "Luke, what happened?"
"I don't know," he says, still struggling to put it all together in his own head. Sookie's looking at him skeptically though, so he admits sadly, "We had a fight."
"She'll come back," she insists. "Just give her a little time."
He almost protests, because he has a sinking feeling that she's being overly optimistic, but then he just shrugs and nods before turning to go.
He'd hoped for more answers, had thought that Sookie might be able to help him put the pieces together, but he's still at a loss. He wishes he could trace Lorelai's steps for the last few days, to know what it was that caused her to avoid him and to find out what had triggered her desperate outburst.
He remembers again Lorelai's mention of Anna, and for a brief moment he considers calling her to find out what she said to Lorelai, but he doesn't even know where to begin to navigate that dynamic. With Anna controlling his access to his daughter, he doesn't feel like he has choices where Anna is concerned. Now that he's been allowed to be a father, to fall in love with his daughter, he can't bear to lose her.
He returns to the diner and, four phone calls later, he's fed the last customer dinner and finished a token effort at cleaning the diner. As he stretches out on his bed in the hopes of getting some small amount of sleep, he can't resist one more attempt to reach her. This time his message is simple, "Please call me, Lorelai. I'm worried about you…I love you."
The next day is a repeat of the previous and Luke arranges to take off after lunch in search of her. But as customers filter in for lunch, he notices furtive looks and whispered comments from everyone in the diner. There's a barely perceptible shift in the way that people are looking at him. Instead of the curiosity and concern he noticed the day before, now he sees sadness and a little pity.
It's enough to make him finally do what he spent the previous day telling himself he shouldn't do; he goes to her house and lets himself in. He wonders at what point he went back to thinking about it as her house, when they'd spent the fall turning it into their house.
There's a stillness in the house. It has a vacant feel to it that he thinks he shouldn't be able to pick up on from just entering and standing in the foyer. But it's enough to tell him that she's not here, and that this time, she's taken Paul Anka with her.
Even knowing that, he has to walk through the whole house. He checks in all of Paul Anka's hiding spots, knocking on Rory's closed door and peeking in quickly.
When he gets to the bedroom he's not prepared for the loss that hits him. It kills him that he can't remember the last night he spent here in the refinished room when he spent every night in her bed in the living room during the renovations.
He knows before he opens her closet what he'll see: much of her summer wardrobe gone and suitcases missing. What he doesn't notice at first, but when he does it hits him with a force so hard he sits back on the bed, is that she's left all of his favorites – the ones he picked out, that she wore for him, that became her favorites.
He crosses to 'his' closet, which is undisturbed except for a small box on the floor with a few of his things: razor, toothbrush, etc. He looks up to see far too few of his clothes hanging in the closet. Did he ever keep many things here? He can't remember.
For some reason it's that thought that helps him put the pieces together. The fact that he's become such a non-entity in her house is what finally makes it all click. This isn't really about April at all, it's about his absence in Lorelai's life. It's about the fact that when she asked the other night if he loved her, she really didn't know. And now, he's just starting to realize how wrong he's been all along.
He feels a sudden wave of nausea as he realizes the extent of his neglect. He thought that he needed the time to get to know his daughter, but he didn't see that while he was letting April into his life, he was pushing Lorelai aside at the same time. That the whole time he been taking her for granted, and she's been thinking she was losing him. He's known since Valentine's Day how anxious she's been to get married, and even though he thought he'd reassured her, he should have known better.
When she'd come rushing into the diner, and then confronted him in the street, he'd been taken by surprise at the level of her hurt, but he shouldn't have been. He should have remembered how she always tries to hide her hurt, how she tries to be strong all the time, until she can't anymore and all the anger and fear come out at once. He should have remembered that about her. He's supposed to know her. More than anyone, he's always been the one who could see the fears and insecurities that lay beneath her words, and yet he'd let this happen.
He looks back down at the cardboard box on the floor of the closet, wondering what it means, wondering if she really wants him gone from her life. He debates taking the little box with him, but in spite of the little voice that's saying he no longer deserves her, that's too permanent a statement right now. He's not ready for that yet. He just needs to talk to her.
With renewed determination, he leaves the house and goes straight to the Dragonfly. He breezes by Michel and heads directly for the kitchen. Sookie looks surprised, then resigned when she sees his determined expression.
"When did she leave, Sookie? Where did she go?"
"She's been staying with Rory."
"You told me that before, but now she's gone somewhere else." He says this with certainty, though he's not sure how he knows she's not just still at Rory's.
Sookie sighs, and then nods. "She got a short-term consulting job."
"What?" He stares back at her in open-mouthed confusion. "When did…I just saw her two days ago. How can she be consulting already?"
"She wanted to get away, so she called that guy from the Durham Group. You know, Mark something." She looks at him for confirmation.
"Mike. Mike Armstrong," he says flatly.
Sookie nods, waving her finger at his chest. "Yeah, right, that's it. She called him and he had a temporary position filling in for someone who's having an operation or something."
"Okay, temporary," he mutters to himself for reassurance. He takes a few deep breaths, then looks back up at Sookie. "Where?"
"I don't know."
He gives an irritated groan. "Sookie!"
"Luke, she didn't tell me," she insists. She looks down for a moment, sighing. "I'm her best friend and she didn't tell me because she didn't want you to know."
He bellows with frustration. He wants to lash out, but Sookie isn't the right target, so he releases tension by reaching to adjust his hat with both hands.
Sookie watches, and then asks, her voice softer now, "Luke, what happened?"
"I don't know," he says dully.
"Luke!" Sookie's annoyance is clear, but then her voice softens, "I'm worried about her too. The least you can do is fill in some blanks for me."
"She'd been avoiding me for days." He met Sookie's eyes. "I don't know why. I'd been trying to call her, but then she showed up out of the blue the other night and wanted to elope."
"When?"
"Right then. She kept saying it had to be right then." He looks up at Sookie sadly, "She said 'now or never.'"
"And you said not now?"
He just nods. Sookie looks back at him and he thinks he sees understanding in her eyes, but when she speaks, her words are sharp. "So when, Luke?"
His head snaps up and he looks at her defiantly. "What?"
"When are you going to be ready to marry her? What exactly are you waiting for?" The suddenness of her questions takes him by surprise. When he doesn't immediately react, Sookie continues, "Because she's ready. She's ready and the longer she waits the sadder she gets. Just how long are you going to string her along?"
"I'm not stringing her along," he responds defensively, knowing Sookie has a point, but taken aback by her tone. "I waited while she sorted stuff out with Rory."
"I know, but the second Rory came back she was ready. But you," she said, gesturing wildly toward his chest. "You…just what the hell are you waiting for?"
"I just need to get things settled with April. I need to figure out how to be a dad." He pleads for her to understand, even though Sookie's not the one who needs to understand. "I have twelve years to make up for."
"I get that Luke. This is huge. I do understand that, but why can't you do that with Lorelai?" When he doesn't have an answer for her, she pushes further. "I just don't understand why she has to be excluded from all of it?"
"I'm not trying to exclude her," he insists, but then gives a resigned sigh, knowing that's exactly what had happened. He continues softly, "I just wanted April to get a chance to know me before she met Lorelai."
"But Luke, it's been months." Sookie pressed. "Why were you waiting so long?"
"Because she's a girl."
Sookie's brow wrinkled into an expression of confusion. "Well, yeah…but…"
"I don't know anything about teenage girls. And she knows that, and Anna knows that. Hell, even April knows that. But Lorelai's the girl expert. Once April met Lorelai, I knew she wouldn't want to spend time with me."
"You're being ridiculous," she said, shaking her head. "She's your daughter."
He continues almost without hearing Sookie's protests, his defensiveness making him spew his thoughts out as they come to him. "And, besides, Anna's real particular about everything. She got really mad that Lorelai helped with the party. If I don't prove to her that I can do this, she might not let me see April."
"How can she say that?"
"Anna's just trying to do the right thing for April."
"How can you seriously think that?" Sookie asked, incredulous. "She kept your kid from you for twelve years? How is that in April's best interest?" Her voice softened as she added, "How can you be okay with that? How can you not be angry about that?"
"Of course I'm upset about it, but I can't focus on that now. I can't fight with Anna. I can't let April see that." Feeling helpless, he looks directly at Sookie, his voice falling. "I'm just trying to be reasonable."
"Of course you are," Sookie says softly, "but if Anna is threatening you about losing contact with April, then she's not being reasonable." She fixes him with a thoughtful stare. "Have you even seen a lawyer?"
He sighs. "I'm not looking to get into a custody battle, Sookie."
"I'm not even talking about that, Luke, but you need to protect yourself and April." He gives her a skeptical look, and she clarifies, "What if, I don't know, something happened to Anna? Do you know if you're even legally recognized as April's dad?"
He looks down as he shakes his head. "I don't know," he admits.
"You need to find out, for April's sake if nothing else," Sookie says gently.
He gives a small nod. "You're probably right." He takes a deep breath and meets her eyes again. "But right now I'm worried about Lorelai. You really don't know where she is?"
"I really don't, Luke," Sookie answers genuinely. "And the thing is, I'd tell you if I did, because I think you two belong together and I want you to work this out. But, she knew that, and that's why she didn't tell me." She shrugs sadly. "She's got her cell phone."
"She won't answer her phone," he says gruffly.
"I don't know, Luke. Really."
"Okay, well I'm gonna…" he says, gesturing toward the door as he turns to leave.
"Uh Luke, can you wait a sec?" He turns back to see her hesitating, before she adds reluctantly, "There's something else."
"What?"
Sookie goes to the closet and digs an envelope out of her purse. "She…she wanted me to give this to you. I swear I tried to talk her out of it."
She holds out an envelope toward him. He can see a bulge in the center, and knows before taking it that it holds the engagement ring. Turning slightly away from Sookie, he looks inside, swallowing the lump in his throat. He has to take several deep breaths before he can get out, his voice rough, "Why?"
Sookie lets out a long sigh, and says softly, "She said she couldn't wear it anymore. I tried to talk her out of it." Her voice softens further, "I'm so sorry Luke."
She starts to reach for him, to rest a comforting hand on his arm, but he steps away before she can and says brusquely, "I've got to go."
He walks out past the front desk, holding the envelope so tightly he can feel the corners of the ring biting into his fingers. Opening his hand, he looks down at the mangled envelope. Feeling a little guilty at his treatment of it, he smoothes out the white paper and then folds it up carefully with the ring inside before placing it in his pocket for safekeeping.
To be continued