I don't own anything…

"Man, I can't believe Carly left me here for a whole month." Sam said while leaning over the table of the Groovy Smoothie in exaggerated frustration.

"Well, I'm not happy about it either. I'm going to be bored to death if I can't hide out at her house. Now I'll probably be stuck at some mother-son pottery class with mom for the rest of the summer."

"Awe, does somebody have to make a vase for mommy?" Sam mocked in baby talk.

"Stop it, it's not like I want to do it. I just need somewhere I can go so she won't get the opportunity to ask."

"You can come to my house." Sam suggested.

"I don't know, last time I was there your mom's boyfriend threw a beer bottle at me and told me to give him gas money."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about Hank, he was weird. Anyway, she's dating this new guy now, you might like him. He's all geeky like you."

"You flatter me."

"Neeyah,"

"Neeyah," he returned.

"You should come over tonight. My mom's having a party and I could use some help guarding my door. I usually get Rebecca Berkowitz to help me because she's pretty scary looking, but I have to pay her." Freddie snorted with laughter, then realizing Sam was serious, started laughing more.

"Really? Sam needs help employing brute force."

"It's not all brute force. First what Rebecca does is open the door and growl at them or yell, whatever it takes to scare them. She has those braces that go all around her head. That takes care of most of them so I can watch TV or go online in peace. If that doesn't work though and they come on in anyway, I have the baseball bat waiting for them."

"How often do you actually have to use it?"

"At least once a party." she said matter-of-factly. This time Freddie gave a nervous laugh.

"If you don't want to do it, I can pay Rebecca."

"Why don't you just leave the house, it would be a lot simpler."

"Because dipthong, if I leave the house then that leaves my bedroom vulnerable to some dumbass who is unaware of the wrath of Sam Puckett." she slammed her hand down on the table and looked very intimidating. "Sorry, habit." she shrugged off and drank the rest of her smoothie.

"Okay, I'll just tell my mom I'll be hanging out with Jeremy tonight."

"Ooh, Freddie Benson lying to mommy. You are bad when Carly's not around to keep you straight, huh?"

"I have to lie to my mom almost anytime I'm around you." she gave him a mock angry face.

Freddie had recently procured his license and he drove Sam back to her house. Sure enough, there were a lot of people already there, most of them scared Freddie a little so he moved his wallet to his front pocket. Up the staircase he saw a middle aged couple making out like they were fourteen. He rolled his eyes at this and was almost certain he saw Sam kick the man. When they arrived in her room there was a couple on the bed.

"OUT!" she screamed, but they did not listen.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" This time it was Freddie who screamed. He felt an intense amount of pity for Sam at this moment. He had never felt an invasion of privacy at this level like Sam was experiencing now. His pity did not last long though, he saw Sam with the baseball bat. She gave them a moment of warning, then came down across the man's back in a moment of fury.

"I SAID GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" The couple scurried out of the room with a few choice words at Sam.

"Wow, you really handled yourself there."

"Eh, you have to around here. I've been defending myself around here since I was seven. From twelve up I had to do it myself."

"Why at those ages?"

"Well, when I was seven my dad was incarcerated. Mom was always crazy, but after that she gave up on trying to act normal. Then at twelve Melanie moved away to some fancy boarding school leaving me here alone." her face dropped and her guard was down until she heard the door knob turn. "That's your job." she said with a smirk.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" He yelled through the crack after he barely opened the door.

"I left my bra in there." the woman said.

"Tell her she can find it in the holly bushes." Sam said while opening her window.

"She's throwing it in the bushes." Freddie relayed.

"Thanks." the woman huffed.

"Wow, this really sucks."

"I know, we got here late. I need to check and make sure nothing's missing." she started going about some routine inspection of her room, after a few minutes she relaxed. "Okay, here's your chair." she said moving an armchair by the door. "It's one of Rebecca's rules." Sam sat on the foot of her bed and already looked tired.

"Have you considered a padlock?"

"Yeah, but half the people here can pick a lock blindfolded."

"Good point."

"Let's find something to watch. Ooh, the history of sandwich meat."

Freddie didn't say anything, but the chair he was sitting in was very lumpy and uncomfortable, but he didn't want to worry Sam more than she already was. He started to think about how he was glad he came here tonight because now he's learned another dimension to Sam. Perhaps there was a reason, other than genetics, that causes her to resort to violence immediately. Also, he started to worry about what happened on nights when Rebecca couldn't come over. Then something hit him, but he waited until a commercial break to ask. "Hey, why do you pay Rebecca come over? Why didn't you just ask me or Carly to begin with?"

"You guys have always been a couple of prancies. Right now you're nervous about being here. Carly came over one time and then a party broke out here and she kind of freaked out. I knew if she couldn't handle it you couldn't."

"Why not? I'm tougher than Carly."

"Tougher, maybe, but face it, you don't care that much about me. Carly only stayed that night because she cares enough about me."

"And why am I here tonight?"

"Because you don't want to be at home."

"True, but now I'm glad I came to help you-"

"Door."

"AGGGHHHH" he screamed at the man who tried to open the door. He immediately backed out of the room.

"Honey, there's a boy in your room already."

"A boy!" he heard a very drunk Mrs. Puckett yelled from the other side. "Well, Samantha is getting at that age. Come on, we'll just go in her room, it's down the hall here." Freddie didn't know what to say, but Sam broke out into giggles, so he did as well.

After a couple of hours the people trying to get in slowed down considerably, Sam said this was due to people either leaving or passing out. She saw him shift in his chair for like the fiftieth time. "You can come sit on the bed, you don't have to sit over there."

"Okay," he said getting up and moving to the bed.

"Rebecca just likes to sit there so she doesn't have to get up to open the door."

"So are you and Rebecca pretty close?"

"She's my cousin." Sam shrugged. "My mom's dead brother's daughter. Now she has a new step dad and they're all rich and stuff."

"Wow, see I can't even see you two knowing each other."

"Really?" she smiled at this because it seemed too bizarre to her now.

"Yeah, I thought all your cousins were in prison or on their way to prison."

"Well, she's not that close to the family to be honest. But I'm sure you have cousins that aren't like you and your freakish mom."

"Don't call my mom-"

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Your right though, my dad's side of the family are so different."

"Really, how?"

"Well, my dad's parents are hippies. They live in the mountains of North Carolina in this hippie commune. They have three kids. My dad, as you know, is a corporate lawyer in New York. His sister is an actress, but she never gets more than walk on parts. She lives in L.A., and his brother works in a factory, lives in North Carolina with his oldest son, the other four went with their mother after the divorce. All his kids are out of control!"

"Wow, wild Benson's who would have known?"

"No, actually their name is Martin."

"So you got your mother's name?" Sam asked while fighting a grin from spreading across her face.

"Yeah," he said looking down, likely thinking the same thing she was, but not finding it quite as amusing.

The two of them sat there reminiscing and telling family tall tales until they lost track of time and became weary. At one point Freddie had fallen asleep and awoke with a start at 2:00 am. He was shocked that his mom hadn't called yet. He quickly texted her: Spending the night at Jeremy's. He hoped this remedied the problem, then shook Sam awake.

"Sam, Sam, we fell asleep."

"Hmm? Oh, okay. Go stand in the hall while I change." he did as he was told, and was surprised that there were still people all over out there, most unconscious. He ventured to see if he could sleep on the couch, but there were a couple of people already on it. He went into the kitchen for a quick snack, then headed back upstairs.

"Sam, can I come in?"

"Yeah," she said. He opened the door and she was already laying in bed with the lights off.

"There's nowhere to sleep downstairs; I'm going to sleep in your chair."

"Don't be a nub," she whined. "I have a king size bed and I don't bite." Freddie did as he was told, this was more favorable to sleeping in the lumpy chair anyway.

"Hey, Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"If you don't want to pay Rebecca to do this anymore, I'll do it for free."

"Okay, go to sleep now."