Disclaimer: You know I don't own it, that evil man Joss does.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After graduation Buffy makes some decisions about her own life and where she wants it to lead her. Will it be back to Angel? Read and find out.
Author's Note: I changed the timeline a little. Faith will wake up a lot sooner and college will not start for about 5 months after graduation. That means there is a 5 month summer instead of the traditional 3 months or whatever. Plus lots of B/A Goodness! Please review.
It had only been two weeks since Angel left and nobody seemed to realize that I didn't want to talk to anybody but him about it. I don't even know if my mom knew why I was so depressed lately. Everyone kept asking 'Are you Ok?', 'Do you need anything?', and 'How can I help?'. I know that nobody really means it and that hurts. Everyone just plays the dutiful friend and try's to help me get over him. Nobody really cares that he is gone but me. I mean Xander hates him with a passion, Giles doesn't like him cause of Ms. Calendar, Willow thinks I'd be better off with out him, and I don't think Oz cares. I feel so lost and I realize that I have been for along time.
I've probably been lost since my parents divorce and I became the slayer. That was such a hard time for me and I was only 15. I didn't want a destiny or a future. I was a selfish spoiled brat and I admit it. My idea of fun was taking daddy's plastic to the mall with my friends. It's not like they really liked me for me anyway. They just liked me because I was popular. As I think back to those years I suddenly knew how Cordelia felt all the time. You felt like they were looking through you and not at you. You were just a pretty face to them.
Cordy had left old Sunny D. a week after graduation and I could see why. She no longer wanted to live in the place where she had been so sad and lonely. The last year I had really admired her for her courage at leaving the "popular group". I honestly don't think I could have if I hadn't moved to Sunnydale.
I feel as though I am missing something and that is reasonable considering I just lost the person that means the most to me. I can't help but be a little mad at Angel for leaving me. I do understand the real reasons for his leaving even if he never voiced them aloud. He was scared of hurting me, of letting Angelus out. We were losing control. It was so hard to keep my hands to myself and I know that he felt the same. We came real close to just giving in to our passion but we always managed to stop our selves. None of the reasons he told me applied to me and he knew it. I'll never have a normal life. I would rather sleep all day and wake up as the sun goes down. I guess it's the slayer in me. So that lets out the sunlight thing. Then there was the kids excuse. I'm not saying I don't want kids but I wouldn't want to have one and then die before their third birthday. The life expectancy of a slayer is short and I have been lucky so far but, I would not want to have kids and then leave them without a mother. The only person I can picture my self having kids with is Angel and I don't think that is going to change anytime soon. He is still the only person I see when I look into the future. The last reason was that we could never be together the way we wanted. If only I could fix that damn curse! My birthday is still one of my most precious memories despite the horror that followed it. Being with him was, so far, the pinnacle of my existence. The level we reached that night was so intense and magical that it was no wonder he lost his soul.
I have forgiven Angel for the deeds he committed as Angelus because I know for a fact that Angel is not Angelus. They are two separate beings. You can tell in the way they walk, talk, and exist. Angelus walks like he is a cat stalking a mouse. His pace is fast and he stands straight with an air of cocky arrogance about him. When Angel walks there is a hunch to his shoulders and his head tipped toward the ground. He stands with his head bowed and his hands are either in his pockets or folded where his fingertips touch their opposites in a triangle. The tone of voice that Angel uses is softer and gentler than Angelus'. Angelus always spoke loud and direct as though he didn't care who heard. He was always with the rude remarks and witty banter. When I looked into Angel's eyes I could see his soul looking out at me, even if he was in game face it was obvious to me he was Angel. The cold hard stare of Angelus was one of the things I hated most about him. It made his features seem more pronounced and wicked. Well... he was more wicked but that's not the point. The point is that Angel and Angelus couldn't be more different.
I realize that I have come to detest my life. I can't stand the way my life is headed. For so long I have been letting other people tell me how to live my life. Nobody ever once asked me what I wanted my future to hold. And the truth is that I don't really know. But I know that I don't want to be college girl Buffy. It just doesn't interest me. My mother has been so insistent that I further my education and I have just gone along with it. That seems to be the only thing I do now a days, follow others. Since when have I become a follower? I used to do everything my own way. Maybe that's why I loved Faith's lifestyle. I love the fast paced, dangerous, and free life. To not have to worry about school or parents or what anyone thought. Why did I give up that life again? I'm not sure.
Faith was my sister in everyway. She knew me better than anyone, except Angel. We were alike in so many ways. I don't believe that what happened to her was her fault. In the alley was a complete accident. One that I could have made. One that other slayers have made. Faith didn't know how to deal with it so she pushed all her emotions and feelings deep down to stop the pain and the guilt. I think that she turned to the mayor because she never had a real fatherly figure. Neither did I. He was willing to take care of her in a time when she needed taking care of. It just wasn't the right kind of care. In the back of her mind I knew that Faith wanted me to kill her and she knew the way to get me to do it was through Angel. She wanted me to make the pain stop and take away all the things she had done. I make a vow now that when she wakes up I will help her through it all. I will bring her back to what she once was no matter what it takes.
Like a train it hits me. It hits me how much I had changed, how much I need to change, and what I need to do to make myself happy. I realize that it won't be easy. That it will be a long and tiresome process but in the end I know it will be worth it. I know I will find myself and maybe Angel too. I've just had my first epiphany.
Well? What did you think? Please review and let me know! I am open to all suggestions.