An opulent throne room. Atop the throne, a bored teenager looking quite unroyal – T-shirt, pants, baseball cap, and long, shaggy green hair. In front of the throne, lying on the ground, two ugly monsters, the black coat of one completely contrasting the other's white. The master of the beasts is N, a major figure from the worst region in the Pokémon world, Unova.
Shrek strides confidently into the throne room. He's a tall and overweight ogre, bright green, wears a black vest, black trousers, white shirt and a fedora. It's a classy look. Strapped to his back, a gunkatana.
"I've got a bone to pick with you, N," Shrek said, his confident and commanding voice booming out. "You embarrass the colour green with your hair. I'm going to kill you to restore the honour of the all that is green." Shrek then tipped his fedora, a gentleogre's courtesy to a foe that most certainly didn't deserve it.
"Reshiram, Zekrom, my two dragons," N ordered, bored, "deal with the intruder." The monsters in front stirred.
"Those are dragons?" Shrek asked, confused. "Whatever, I have dragons of my own." Shrek pulled out two Yu-Gi-Oh! cards from his vest. "Baby Dragon, attack!" Shrek shouted, throwing his two cards at the two dragons.
Upon contact, the dragons both collapsed, dead.
N stood up in shock. "What did you just do?"
"My Baby Dragon has 1200 attack. Your Reshiram and Zekrom didn't have nearly as much and they perished. You are no match for me, N."
"You're here to put a stop to Pokémon Black and White, aren't you?" N shouted angrily, rising from the throne. "Well guess what? It's happening. I don't care how many people think my story is awful and makes no sense and don't want to have to sit through hours of cutscenes and not actually play the game they paid good money to play. They're going to have to put up with it all whether they want to or not because I'm going to make them."
This display of tyrannical oppression would have shocked anyone else to the core, but Shrek was unfazed. "I can't say I care," Shrek responded, far too cool to be upset about this. "I just hate you because you're shaming the colour green."
Shrek pulled out a pile of Baby Dragon cards from his vest. He threw one card at N, who dived and rolled away from the throw. The card hit the throne, blowing it into hundreds of pieces of metal shrapnel – the throne obviously didn't have the defense rating to take a Baby Dragon attack. N looked at the space where the throne had been, then gently wiped his cheek where a shard of gold had struck him. There was a small cut on his cheek. The blood smeared, stayed on the side of his finger. N then began to run away.
Shrek chased N through the castle interior, throwing Baby Dragon cards and blowing great holes in the stone walls. N was far too good at running away, though, and Shrek could not catch him on foot.
N reached the castle's treasure room, Shrek close behind. Inside, a mess of items - Pokéballs, trainer items, old weapons, suits of armour, and piles of old books. More importantly, though, there were two Duel Runners, futuristic two-wheeled vehicles, necessary for the most extreme Yu-Gi-Oh! card duels.
N hopped atop one of the Duel Runners. "You'll never catch me," N said, as if the other Duel Runner was not there at all. N slipped his deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards into the Duel Runner's card slot, then sped off, the roar of the Duel Runner reverberating through the rocky castle walls. Shrek dodged N's Duel Runner just in the nick of time.
Shrek slipped the Baby Dragon cards into his vest pocket, hopped on the second Duel Runner, activated it, put his Yu-Gi-Oh! deck into the deck slot. "Duel Mode Engaged. Auto pilot standing by," the Duel Runner mechanically intoned. Shrek then popped a wheelie as he started the Duel Runner for no other reason than because it looked freaking awesome, and sped through the castle's interior.
Shrek's Duel Runner accelerated, using his right hand to pull out Baby Dragon cards from his vest, throwing them at the walls, passing through them instead of trying to navigate. There was no time for walls. There was only time for vengeance and speed and extreme Yu-Gi-Oh! duelling, for a Yu-Gi-Oh! duel was the quickest way to stop a moving Duel Runner.
Shrek threw another card, drove through the dust where the wall had been moments ago. Too late, Shrek realized he was speeding through air on his Duel Runner, leaving the castle from the third storey.
After gravity spent a moment in awe of how awesome Shrek was, it got back to work, and Shrek began to arch downwards on his Duel Runner. Shrek landed on its hind wheel, which bottomed out the suspension. The front forks hit the ground, there was a thud as the suspension put in hard work. A rough landing, but a landing nonetheless. Then Shrek was off again, chasing down N for a life-or-death extreme Yu-Gi-Oh! card duel, to restore the honour and dignity of the colour green.
From the side, Shrek heard the boom of an approaching pod racer. Two separate engines, attached to a small cockpit by durasteel cable. Fast, unstable, and dangerous, much like its pilot. Shrek knew who it was without looking at the cockpit.
The cockpit of the pod racer drew alongside Shrek, and he saw Garfield piloting. Orange fur, black stripes, large eyes, a tall, chiselled body that could rival a statue of Adonis, a perfectly-pressed white Italian suit and black sunglasses. Garfield pulled back suddenly, swerved a pod racer engine into Shrek, causing him to almost lose balance.
"I'm going to make sure you have a bad case of the Mondays," Garfield said in his bored monotone voice, sent through the speaker of Shrek's Duel Runner.
"That doesn't make sense! It's Thursday!" Shrek shouted angrily.
The pod window openend, Garfield pulled out a Uzi and fired in Shrek's direction.
Shrek weaved away, pulled out his gunkatana off his back with his right arm, swerved to the right while pulling back slightly. Shrek was now slightly behind the pod racer's left engine. He then slashed with his gunkatana, its superior Japanese crafting and his brute strength combining into a ferocious cut, severing the cable attached to the cockpit with its engine.
The severing of the cable ruined what little stability both the pod racer and it's driver had. Shrek's pulled back, saw Garfield's face contorted with the sort of rage that would otherwise reserved for when Garfield didn't get his lasagna.
Garfield tried to fire his gun backwards at Shrek, but Shrek braked, ruining Garfield's aim.
Shrek aimed his gunkatana, fired past Garfield's cockpit, aimed the lead engine. The bullet hit. There was a flash of blue electricity, the engine ploughed into the ground, exploded in a ball of fire. The second engine ploughed into the ground behind it, also exploding. Garfield's cockpit ploughed into the ground right in the middle of the two explosions, and if being incinerated wasn't enough to kill him, being rammed into the ground at several hundred kilometres an hour certainly would. Garfield was indeed having a bad case of the Mondays.
The explosions of the engines and the ground impact of the pod's cockpit rocked Shrek's Duel Runner, he could feel the heat of the blast as he drove forward and through the blast. And then he was clear and driving forward.
Above, Shrek could see a glint of black movement, coming down to earth. He popped a wheelie, reached out with his left hand, grabbed the item without slowing down. It was a pair of black sunglasses. He realized they were the pair that Garfield had been wearing, somehow undamaged by the explosion. Shrek snapped them open with his a flick of the left wrist, slipped them on his head with one hand. It was a good look for Shrek, it complemented his fedora well.
Shrek slid his gunkatana back into its sheath on his back, sped his Duel Runner up to catch up with N. There was no way to lose N when there was only one road in Unova. Shrek pulled out his Millenium Ring from beneath his vest, and the world around Shrek and N turned into a black, formless realm. Empty, save Shrek, N, their Yu-Gi-Oh! decks and their extreme Yu-Gi-Oh! duelling machines.
"Where the hell are we?" N asked, frightened and angry as Shrek caught up and drove alongside him.
"This is the shadow realm, N. Whoever loses this duel will have their soul trapped here forever."
"I'll still beat you," N said. "I have an incredibly powerful deck and my Duel Runner is a highly-tuned extreme duelling machine."
"I can see you have a good Duel Runner," Shrek agreed, "But what's so good about your deck?"
"It's a Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon Deck," N said.
Shrek laughed. He then looked at N, could see he was serious, and then laughed harder. "Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon decks are terrible," Shrek said. "Shit, I wish someone else was here to hear this."
"It's got lots of powerful dragons and the card artwork is really cool. Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon even has 4500 attack."
Shrek laughed even harder, nearly losing control of his Duel Runner a third time. He slapped the Runner, shook his head. "Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon," Shrek said, still laughing. "Lots of powerful dragons." Shrek's head bent over, he thumped the bike twice, laughing so hard. "A Shadow Duel with someone running a deck because they like the artwork."
"Screw you," N said angrily. "I'll beat you and prove how good a Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon deck can be. Then you'll be stuck in the Shadow Realm. Since you're challenging me, I'm going to pick our turn order, and I'm going first."
Shrek took a breath, composed himself. "Very well then. I wish you an honourable and fair Yu-Gi-Oh! duel," Shrek said, tipping his fedora at N, who was still visibly fuming. "A Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon deck," he said, still chuckling to himself.
N and Shrek drew five cards each, Shrek looked at his hand.
"Well, first…" N began.
"I win," Shrek said.
"What? We haven't done anything!"
Shrek placed the five parts of Exodia on his Duel Runner's five monster zone spaces. Getting all five pieces of Exodia in the hand was an automatic win for a player capable of such skilled play and there was no way to negate such a win once it was achieved.
"That's complete fucking bullshit," N said angrily. "You can only have one of each piece of Exodia in your deck. The odds of drawing Exodia at the start of the match are millions to one."
"It's impossible to lose with The Heart of the Cards," Shrek replied. "You always draw exactly what you need when you need to draw it. You might have stood a chance if you believed in it yourself."
Shrek could feel the edges of the Shadow World fade away, with N still trapped inside. Shrek could hear his bleating, but didn't care. He turned out the noise, N was an irrelevance now. The cacophony faded away, until it was inaudible. N was trapped in the Shadow Realm forever.
Shrek was alone, in the middle of a deep forest, still riding his Duel Runner. He stopped the Duel Runner, slid the back end out for no reason other than because it looked awesome. He looked around from behind his cool new shades. Shrek then smoked the tyres up, and sped off, heading to his next adventure.