Have you ever seen what the baby of a dwarf and a troll looks like? I have, and it's not pretty. I must tell you that in all honesty because, usually, babies in any form turn out looking absolutely adorable. Just not this one.
What is even less pretty is the circumstances leading up to the happy event. By the "the circumstances" I mean the wedding.
Now I am sure that anyone who is reading this, no matter if you support the Horde or the Alliance, is probably aghast at the unthinkable declaration of any union between the two factions not to mention the fact that such a union resulted in a young spawn, for lack of a better word, being brought into the world (and trust me when I say spawn because you haven't seen it). I was equally appalled at the whole affair when I stumbled across the happy couple while I was helping to collect pelts for an old friend.
It was about noon and I was looking for a place to fry up some mud snappers for lunch. I spotted a group of trees in the distance. It looked secluded enough and safe from anything that might interrupt my impending feast, so I decided to eat there. What I didn't know was what I was going to find when I got there.
I pushed my way through the trees and underbrush which turned out to be a little thicker than I thought it would be. It went back a little further than I thought as well. After a few minutes I realized that I was actually in some sort of small forest.
As I made my way further in I heard voices coming from up ahead. Out of curiosity I decided to move in the of the sound. (Remember the old saying about how curiosity skinned the murloc) When I finally got close enough I slowed down and crept as close as I could so that I could hear them without being discovered.
"…in the end I commend you both for your bravery. Many would have simply given up in your situation but not you."
It sounded like some sort of ceremony, so I decided to creep closer. Alas, using the word creep implies that I moved silently. What I did instead was trip over a tree branch that was covered by leaves and fell forward onto my face before rolling down a soft embankment right out into the open.
Once I recovered from the utter embarrassment of my entrance I was astonished to see what I had literally stumbled upon. A goblin, decked out in his priestly vestments, was standing in front of a dwarf and a very pregnant troll. The latter two had their hands locked together and were staring dreamily into each other's eyes (or as much as they could considering the height difference between the two).
When I came bounding through the underbrush the whole assembly froze in place. Obviously, they weren't expecting company, least of all some human female. The dwarf let go of the troll's hands and put his own up in the air and slowly, he began to approach me.
"I know what this looks like, lass." He said trying to stay calm and doing a remarkable job for a dwarf.
"It looks like you might be trying to marry that troll." I replied not daring to move.
"I know it's bizarre." He continued. "But we are in love. And…and the wee child is mine. Couldn't ya just go back to Ironforge and tell 'em you couldn't find me?"
He was right, it was bizarre. Of course, half the things I've seen in the world are bizarre. Besides, if they really loved each other enough to take the chance of being together and having practically the whole world hate them for it I was not going to interfere.
I smiled and put a hand up myself to show that I wasn't a threat. Then I took the opportunity to stand up again.
"Please, go on." I said brushing as much leaves and dirt from my pants as possible. "I'm no warrior and I wasn't sent to find you. I'm just an adventurer. Many years of happiness to you both."
The dwarf nodded back thankfully but cautiously and returned to his bride who, despite the awkwardness of having a human at her wedding nodded in thanks.
When the bride and groom had reset themselves the goblin priest took both of their hands and continued the ceremony.
"One year ago, you two met on the field of battle. Today, instead of trying to kill each other, the two of you have chosen to make a different path for yourselves. That day, after your weapons were destroyed and you were both lost and too exhausted to fight anymore, you found each other…along with a large stash of Dwarven Ale…and neither of you have looked back since."
As the priest went on with the story I quickly became aware of something warm and wet traveling down my check. I always cry at weddings anyway and hearing how the two had fallen in love that night and got drunker than got drunker than a night elf at Winterfest seemed very inspiring to me. It pointed out that love could transcend even the cold warring factions of the world.
Ironically it was right after I had had this thought that a contingent of Horde burst through the thick layer of trees that surrounded our small group. There were three of them, an orc, a female blood elf, and a tauren who nearly stepped on the goblin just as he belted out the words "man and wife."
"There you are, Vysage." The orc huffed as soon as he saw the troll. "What are you doing with this rabble?"
Vysage let go of her mate's hands and turned around to face her accusers. "My own business." She huffed right back in defiance.
"And your business is with Alliance scum like this?" The blood elf stepped forward and swept her hand in a broad motion to indicate that the dwarf and myself were the "scum" that she was referring to.
The orc moved closer to Vysage. "If you tell us now and comeback with us we'll only kill them."
At the word, kill, the goblin priest started to inch a little way off from the tauren and the dwarf began to inch a little closer to his wife ready to insert himself between her and the blood elf in case they tried to rush her.
At that very moment there was loud cacophony of branches and leaves from the forest. It grew louder by the second until a very pompous looking man on a white horse and wearing a Stormwind tabard came through the trees on the other side of the clearing. A dwarf and a gnome scampered out right behind him. It was an Alliance scouting party.
"Oh ho what's this!" The man on the horse shouted from atop his mount. Meanwhile the dwarf that followed him from the forest ran up toward the groom. He gave Horde assembly a glaring eye before turning to his kinsman.
"McGregor!" He shouted. "You're not cavorting with the enemy are ya?"
The newlyweds slinked closer together. They were surrounded on all sides and outnumbered and were beginning to suspect that these would be their last moments together.
Now, at this point I probably could have slipped off into the woods and been gone. I could have but that would have kept me out of trouble. No fun there. So instead I had open my big mouth.
"Oh come on!" I hollered. "They just got married. They're in love. Doesn't anybody see the romance here? Doesn't anybody else think it's beautiful?"
"It's disgusting!" The gnome lashed out.
"Very." The tauren agreed.
"Repugnant!" The second dwarf chimed in
"It's awful." The blood elf observed.
"It's traitorous." The man on the horse added.
"Agreed." Said the orc.
I rolled my eyes at the entire company. "Well, at least you all can agree on something."
The blood elf took her attention off of Vysage and focused her attentions on me. I could almost feel her cold eyes staring through me as she moved closer.
"I think we should kill this one first." She said fixing her eyes right into mine.
I stared right back at her, directly into her frigid eyes. I wanted to show her that I was not at all afraid of her kind. I never have been.
"Try it." I answered her back. "And tomorrow I'll be wearing your ears as a hat."
"Enough of this!" The man on the horse shouted. He turned his attention to the orc. "I am Sir Ignatious Rathbone of his majesty's armed forces of Stormwind."
"Zgar." The orc answered. He made a small bow as he spoke but never took his eyes off the man…or Vysage.
"You take yours." Sir Rathbone continued. "and we'll take ours. And we will leave in peace…for now."
"Agreed." The orc snorted and grabbed Vysage by one arm. There was an audible groan of disappointment from the other Horde.
The dwarf that came with Sir Rathbone put a hand on McGregor's shoulder, ready to detain him. The gnome started to come towards me. He was just about to place me under arrest in the name of the King of Stormwind when McGregor suddenly took hold of his countryman and swung him violently to one side. The dwarf stumbled forward knocking over the orc and causing him to release the bride in favor of trying to break his own fall.
The now free newlyweds clasped their hands together once again and ran for their life in the only direction they could. That direction just so happened to be right toward me.
To clear a path, I moved over in order to knock over the gnome but before I could he was blindsided by the blood elf. Instantly the fragile truce from only moments before had dissolved into an all-out free-for-all. Tauren, dwarf, elf, gnome, orc human – they were all at each other's throats.
I turned to follow the love birds out of the area when my foot caught on something (probably the same tree branch that I tripped over before) and I fell. But when I landed it wasn't on the hard ground. There was something soft and squishy in between me and the soft earth. There was also the sound of a muffled "umph" as I impacted with the whatever it was.
Intent upon putting my escape before the mystery, I rolled to one side and back onto my feet. Just then the goblin priest popped up from underneath a pile of leaves where I had just been lying a moment before. He had concealed himself there in all the fuss, hoping to ride everything out and escape later.
Having now blown his cover I grabbed him by his arm and dragged him along with me into the surrounding woods. He made several squawking sounds as we went but it was soon obvious that two warring factions behind us were more interested in killing each other than mounting any sort of real pursuit.
We had only gone a short distance when we met up again with the dwarf and troll. The happy couple had taken refuge behind a large tree where they had obviously stowed some equipment for just such an emergency. McGregor was now wielding a largebattle ax and Vysage had armed herself with a bow.
In the distance the sounds of Horde and Alliance continuing to kill each other echoed through the trees. It wouldn't take long for one side or another to prevail and come looking for the rest of us.
"What do we do now." Vysage asked her husband. "Nowhere will be safe for us."
The dwarf shook his head. "Aye." He agreed. "I had hoped that we could journey on to Iron Forge after the ceremony and convince the king to give us asylum. But I can see now that there's no point."
"What about Pandara?" I suggested. "I'm sure you'd be safe there."
"And how would we get there?" The troll asked. Despite the hard exterior of her race it was evident that she was holding back a well of tears. "There is no safe route for us. We'd still have to go through Horde or Alliance territory"
I pulled a small map out of my pocket, unfolded and showed it to the goblin. "Take them here." I ordered.
"Wha…Why me?" He asked nervously.
"Because," I answered, pointing back toward the grove, "one of us has to go back and make sure that whoever is victorious back there doesn't come looking for you guys. I thought I would do that. Of course, if you'd rather…"
The little green fellow still wasn't convinced. "Why should I do any of it?" He asked rolling up his lower lip in defiance, the same way that unruly children often do. "I was hired to marry them, not be their bodyguards."
"I'm sure we could arrange some sort of compensation." McGregor chimed in.
"Exactly." I said, pulling out a shiny gold coin from a pouch that hung around my waist. and held it out in front of the goblin's eyes. "Take this." I explained. "Once you get them to the place I showed you on the map they will sign a letter. Bring it back to me and I'll give you ten more."
"And what if you don't live that long?" He countered
I produced two more gold coins from pouch and shoved all three into the goblin's hand. "At least you'll have this." I told him. "If I do I'll give you twenty."
The goblin's eyes lit up. He took the map and put it into his pocket then grabbed the bride and groom and began to pull them as hard as he could along with him. They both stumbled forward from their guide's zeal.
"Come on!" He yelled in frustration at his charges. "Time is money." The young couple finally caught their footing and began to run independently. As they passed, Vysage curled her mouth into a what I can only guess was what, to the trolls, passes for a smile. I returned the favor and watched as the trio disappeared into the trees ahead.
When they had gone, I turned and headed back to the ongoing battle. When I was close enough a slowed down and began to stealth around and spy on the action.
The gnome was dead. It was obvious that he hadn't survived for long after the initial attack. The blood elf that killed him was now surrounded by a now dismounted Sir Rathbone. His dwarf companion was lying on the ground with the orc sitting fully on top of him and laughing his head off at the situation. The tauren was sitting on the ground nearby nursing a heavy gash to his left arm. A product, no doubt, of the dwarf's sword that was on the ground next to him.
Normally, see such a spectacle wouldn't concern me at all. Horde vs. Alliance has been same old same old since before my father was born. Under different circumstances I might have even jumped into the fray to defend my countrymen and allies. But on this occasion my blood began to boil at both sides. I couldn't hold it any longer. I rushed out into the middle of the skirmish but instead of fighting I began to scold them as though they were a group of naughty school children.
"What is wrong with you all?" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Instantly, the entire brawl came to a screeching halt as if they had all been simultaneously hit by a freeze spell. "Can't two people just fall in love and live their life? Just because they come from different backgrounds everyone expects them to hate each other. Don't any of you ever get tired of the hate?"
Have you ever said something that you instantly regretted the moment that it passed your lips? If ever I had done so it was at that very moment. I didn't regret it because I wrong, though. On the contrary I meant, and still mean, every word I said. The problem was that in my haste to chastise everyone I forgot the primary rule of public speaking, know your audience.
The orc stood up all the while holding the dwarf tightly by the neck. He roared the fiercest, angriest, roar he could muster and hurled small man right into the human knocking them both down into a heap.
The blood elf, now free from her opponent turned to face me. "What were you saying before about my ears, human?" She asked through a cruel smile.
Before I could answer the orc charged at me knocking me hard to the ground. I tried to get up to fight but I suddenly realized that I couldn't move. I must have hit my head in the fall because all remember after that was a lot of dizziness. Then everything went black.
When I woke up again I was in a prison cell in Stormwind. I never thought that I would have been happy about being arrested but I was. I found out later that Sir Rathbone and the dwarf had somehow managed to rescue me just in time
The good news was that even though I'm writing this in prison I was only sentenced to thirty days for interfering in Alliance affairs. The best news was that received word from McGregor and Vysage. They made it safely to Pandera. They even managed to a get a letter to me complete with a sketch of their newborn child. Like I said before…it's not pretty.